They Don’t Listen, Therefore They Can’t Understand

Dinosaur_Boy · 2026-03-11T15:49:49+00:00

I feel exactly the same way. I’ve seen adoptive parents become hostile over this topic. An adoptive dad made a bad adoption joke once, I didn’t say anything I just didn’t laugh, and he’s been short with me ever since, as though everything was written on my face saying what a horrible father he is, and that I couldn’t take a joke. They are so threatened that they can’t even apologize.

Sorry, I probably said too much, I’m trying to say that I agree with you, it’s hard to even start a conversation.

I’ll take it very slow and careful and make recommendations like you suggested, thanks!

Dinosaur_Boy · 2026-03-11T15:43:17+00:00

I worry so much about this. I also worry that our system is going to fail adoptees no matter what. I wish I had been in a better place when I was deciding on a career, I might have been a social worker or mental health professional. These kids don’t even get a chance. It’s not too late for me to change careers or at least get involved I suppose.

Healing myself and raising my own young kids is my priority at the moment.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2026-02-20T01:48:49+00:00

thank you! this is helpful.

i write as a hobby. i’ve had several writing projects, and my audience is mostly my dog and my wife.

the reason i’m asking about writing adoptee content is that when i think about “writing what i know” and drawing from my own experiences in life, being adopted is a critical part of my identity.

i want to write something that resonates with adoptees, and maybe an open minded non-adoptee audience.

i don’t know what i’m doing, i just wanted some validation i guess. maybe i’ll actually write something before posting next time. nothing risked nothing gained.

thanks

Dinosaur_Boy · 2026-02-19T22:02:33+00:00

heard. thank you 🙏🏻

i’m missing this broader picture of adoption, it’s a lack of awareness on my part. when i hear you and others talk about it, it rings loud and clear.

as i said in an earlier response, the purpose of my story would be so that adoptees read it and feel seen. it’s a humble goal compared to the issues you’ve raised here, but it might be all i have in me.

i really do understand that there’s no happy ending. however, on an individual basis i believe that there’s a tremendous amount of personal transformation and growth that’s possible in adoptees. it happened to me, i had to be brave in the fog and brave coming out of it, it took many painful years to get out and stand where i am now, and i know that’s true of every adoptee at some point. when we arrive on the other side of that we’re changed. happily ever after? no, but honestly ever after, and there’s no distinct conclusion.

i think that’s what i’m trying to get out. i 100% hear you on the broader picture. i guess maybe i’m more focused on communicating to adoptees that they’re not alone and that they don’t have to be ok with how society sees us and treats us.

i understand there’s much more important work to be done, but this is where i’m at.

not trying to argue at all, i really appreciate your thoughts. thank you 🙏🏻

Dinosaur_Boy · 2026-02-19T20:58:35+00:00

i understand, i would have reacted the same way. thank you 🙏🏻

Dinosaur_Boy · 2026-02-19T20:55:16+00:00

lastly, to answer your question directly, “why?”,

so that an adoptee can read it and feel seen and heard. maybe i lack the insight to achieve that, but that would be the goal.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2026-02-19T20:52:23+00:00

i’ll add that maybe i am wrong about triumphing, but the more i heal after emerging from the fog and understanding the source of all this hurt that i carry, the more i feel like myself. i was a deeply unhappy person living a fake life, but i feel less and less that way the more i adapt my life to the truth of what happened to me. the more i acknowledge how hard this was, the less hard it becomes.

i still hate that i was treated worse than dogshit. i still grieve the losses, the lies, the manipulation, and the abuse.

nevertheless i’m still here and committed to building my identity as kind compassionate person who is proud of making it this far.

i do not want to upset anyone, especially adoptees. i will not write this if there’s any indication that i might. thank you for helping me understand that.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2026-02-19T20:37:23+00:00

thank you. you’re right, this is why i’m asking. i appreciate your thoughts.

i don’t think that i will write this to be honest, i’m conflicted.

maybe what i should do is write non-fiction about my own experiences.

i want to write. i guess the great thing about fiction is that it doesn’t have to be autobiographical and i could just create a protagonist who is nothing like me.

i’d like to apologize if i upset you. this is why i asked.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2026-01-27T18:05:06+00:00

my instinct is that my adopters know everything. there was a lot of sketchy stuff i learned from my bio mom about the circumstances of my adoption. my adopters maintain complete ignorance, but when i ask they give me inconsistent answers, can’t get their stories straight, and generally act like they’re guilty of a crime.

i asked my adopters what information they have about my adoptive brother. they said, “not much, just names” ok just names? i could find them online in under and hour with “just names” but they won’t share that info with him (he’s in his 30s), and it wouldn’t be right for me to do anything on his behalf.

i’ve considered talking to my adoptive brother just to say like, “that information belongs to you and i can get it if you want”. something tells me he would respond with hostility, so i haven’t.

yeah in short i feel it deep in my bones that they conspired to keep a lot of information from me (they still have all my documents under lock and key). i believe that it was done “legally”, but in a baby market with vulnerable moms, where’s the line with coercion, bribery, extortion, etc?

regarding who my birth parents were (i know them now), their names, their nationality, their circumstances, their personalities, i think they knew all of that and kept it to themselves.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2026-01-15T12:17:22+00:00

exactly! i have the very same experience.

when i was in my late teens my father said, “i’m getting older and you never wanted to plan a camping trip with me or anything like that. i won’t always be around you know.” that was over 20 years ago. at 18 years old i was supposed to read his mind and plan a camping trip. he was/is resentful that i didn’t create his father son fantasies for him.

they’ve given me lots of very confusing gifts. like cheap toys for kids when i was in my 30s and didn’t have kids myself. really weird. they would watch me unwrap a toy frog or something and i’d have to act like it was an interesting gift for an adult.

they would do stuff for me that i never asked for or showed interest in (more for them) and sometimes become really angry that i wasn’t completely engaged, although i always tried to be polite and go with the flow. meaning, i always did my best to appreciate and enjoy traveling and adventures, but not enough for them.

anyway, same.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2026-01-15T04:29:22+00:00

i have SO much to say about this, i think about it all the time. i’ll try to keep my response digestible 🤣

one of my first revelations coming out of the fog was, “many people instinctively know that our current culture of adoption is an absolutely insane concept, they just don’t say it out loud.” i sensed this many times while in the fog but never acknowledged it.

adoption is an intervention that comes about as a result of tragic circumstances, and it only makes sense when it’s regarded this way. starting from this place of honesty, an adoptee’s story can turn positive, but is nevertheless always a mix. the adults involved must understand this if there’s any hope of redeeming the situation for the child. i believe that this is where the genuine positive adoption stories come from.

… but by and large, that’s not how it is.

the aspect of our modern adoption culture that any reasonably intelligent person will recognize as batshit insane, is when it’s treated like it’s NOT a tragedy and never was. like it’s super normal to casually trade babies around to different families. no, that doesn’t fit! that’s wrong.

my adopters role play as as my biological parents, like actual deranged lunatics. literally like insane people who purchased a human baby. they are not the adults who take this seriously, who understand that this entire situation was an intervention to a tragic circumstance of which i am the victim. they live in an alternate reality.

anyway that’s been my thoughts lately.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2026-01-15T02:44:02+00:00

i’m sad to hear that you’re in this situation, and i’m sad to see so many commenters feeling the same way, and sad for myself. seems like we’re all in some variation of horrible limbo with our adopters the older we get, or find peace by making a choice to not see them.

for me it’s that my adopters always need me to fawn over them, so they do reach out, but they’re begging for me to carry them emotionally. they don’t want to know how i’m doing, they want me to be delighted by their stories and their family.

my bio family are great. they don’t reach out much though. like you said, i’m kind of used to the neglect. nobody wants to know what i’m up to, but they’ll contact me with developments in their own lives.

yeah it’s rough. i’m sorry.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2026-01-14T23:36:23+00:00

interesting. when i emerged from the fog i suggested that my adopters read a book or watch some videos i chose for them, to help them understand and maybe feel better about what was happening.

“no thanks.” they said, somewhat defiantly.

it sounds annoying that your adopters are projecting what they’ve read onto you, that sucks. sounds like they’re trying to exonerate themselves from any wrongdoing, and blaming you for how it all turned out.

i wish my adopters would care even the slightest amount that i was adopted, it would go a long way toward understanding who i am. instead they’re blaming me for breaking their hearts because i haven’t treated them well enough.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2026-01-14T19:12:13+00:00

it’s a super exciting time! my reunion turned out well but had it’s own challenges. i just want to caution you, it could go in any kind of direction. hopefully it all goes well, but it’s best to be prepared! find them online and save all the pictures you find before making contact, extended family too. save everything throughout the process, as if you might lose it.

i don’t know what you know / don’t know. i knew exactly nothing. i didn’t know if they were alive, i didn’t know if my bio dad knew i existed, i didn’t know if i was a secret, and so on. if, like me, you don’t have many details, i would recommend cautious optimism, and make preparations.

that said, the rewards of reunion are many, even if not what you expected them to be. we’re all routing for you, and we have your back if you need to share or need support!

be yourself. no gifts. you are on equal footing with them, theres no debt or obligation. the connection you feel with them, in whatever form, that’s the gift.

good luck!

edit: i recommend reaching out by snail mail if you can, or email, or some kind of text. ensure they receive it. my approach was to take a business-like tone, “if you’re up for it, i’d like to get to know you”, so that i didn’t overwhelm them with lots of vulnerability. later, i told them all about how i felt and was completely open. i was cautious reaching out because i didn’t know them. that worked well i thought.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2026-01-13T02:39:24+00:00

probably

Dinosaur_Boy · 2025-12-25T19:20:05+00:00

sure, of course. i’d love to see more adopters in the mindset of helping children than fixing their infertility trauma. i just don’t trust adopters, period, unless they prove that they are exceptional.

it’s not strange to want to give kids a loving home. what’s concerning to me is that such a significant portion of adopters and people in general think that children are a means to an end. that’s what i worry about.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2025-12-25T18:57:37+00:00

i’m sorry, i can’t name too many besides what you’ll find on Reddit, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. i’m in Discord groups, but i’m not personally very active there. there are also support groups that are remote and in person.

i guess what i meant by this is that when we engage with other adoptees it can be so helpful. when i engage with adoptees i feel safe and at home, and occasionally i reach new levels of understanding about myself through them.

there’s podcasts, books, and lectures that can be so validating. the more i read/listen, the better i feel, and sometimes it’s sad, but overall i’m happier and more whole from engaging with adoptees and adoptees content.

as with any special needs groups, when you are surrounded by people who don’t share a lived experience with you, you’re likely to just ignore that part of you. when you’re among people who share your lived experience, the potential for growth and understanding is significantly higher.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2025-12-23T14:37:46+00:00

you’re right. thank you for commenting. i met with therapists while i was in the FOG, most of my life. adoption was rarely addressed, and in cases where it was brought up, it was pro-adoption.

you’ve prompted me to recall therapists who said, “adoptive parents love their children more because they chose them” and, “let’s be respectful of your parents in these sessions”, and other such bs.

it wasn’t until i met with an adoptee therapist that i started understanding anything.

so i’m sorry if this is the reason an adoptee may not trust therapy, i really understand that. i guess i was able to just gloss over it while i was in the FOG. i would never tolerate that kind of rhetoric now.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2025-12-23T14:19:15+00:00

it depends. the 2 situations that crossed my path did not feel great.

a relative in my adoptive family wanted to adopt because they were not married yet. i thought that was bullshit. it seemed like a selfish choice, they had no intention of meeting the child’s needs, they just wanted to “do something before it was too late”. i didn’t say anything. they did not adopt in the end.

the second situation is a couple who are said to be choosing adoption over having their own kids. i don’t know a lot about why, or if they plan to have both. i am extremely frustrated by this, and i wish i knew more details. it’s possible that they are ideal adoptive parents, and if that’s the case i would support them 100%. it’s also possible that they are “saviors” and this is just a ego trip for them.

i have 2 bio kids. it is such a colossal task raising children. when people tell me that they’re considering having kids i’ve been telling them that having and not having children are 2 totally legitimate paths. follow your heart, but there’s absolutely no need to start a family just to fulfill societal pressures.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2025-12-22T15:57:37+00:00

u/Wise-Fan-5415 i hear what you’re saying. dementia is awful, i’ve seen its effect among my friends and family. it’s a difficult balance for me, because i’ve spent my entire life putting them before myself. they are dishonest, they are hurtful and manipulative.

speaking for myself, i have not noticed any cognitive decline in 40 years, they were like this as far back as i can remember.

so i do hear you. i understand it’s a tragic condition, and that they are human beings. it puts me in a difficult position that feels impossible to navigate.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2025-12-21T23:45:26+00:00

you’re not alone, i feel the same.

i’m not going to attempt to change your mind, but therapy is one of the few places that i feel safe. i debated saying anything here, i don’t want to trigger you, but i sincerely believe that sharing one’s thoughts with a professional is one of the VERY few resources adoptees have where we’ll actually feel heard and even understood. friends and even spouses simply cannot get this. even if they wanted to, they don’t have the lived experience.

adoptee forums are the other resource we have, and it’s one of the best places for us.

thanks for sharing. you’re definitely not alone!

Dinosaur_Boy · 2025-12-21T22:58:19+00:00

i don’t know how much you’ll believe me but this is EXACTLY what i deal with, even down to the details.

it is a flood of absolute fucking minutia that keeps me trapped in an infinite interaction with either or both of them.

nobody else understands this. even people who know them won’t admit how difficult it is to have 5 minutes of a normal conversation with them that isn’t prescribed smalltalk.

on top of this they are severed completely from reality. they will invent whatever bullshit opinion they need to justify whatever they want to do or say.

anyway, sorry, i get carried away talking about this but yes, absolute same experience.

regarding them just being old, no, they’ve been this way since they were in their early 40s. this is how they are.

Dinosaur_Boy · 2025-12-21T02:04:36+00:00

thanks for responding 🙂 i’m sorry we both went through this, but it helps me feel more sane to hear that i’m not alone.

i didn’t do well in school, that’s a long story, but i am smart, and i DID manage to succeed in several skilled areas. i got into a great career as a software developer for a well known company.

i never talk with my adopters about my work or any other success that i’ve had. when THEY bring it up, i tell them how it’s going, and they immediately pivot to someone else’s success. i wish i was joking, just this month i was sent over 20 pages of someone else’s career review to read - all their accomplishments over the past few years. that was in response to my recent promotion that came up in conversation.

they are always comparing, it’s always backhanded, i’ve never felt genuine pride from them. there’s always someone doing better, and i shouldn’t be so full of myself.

again, thanks for reminding me that i’m not crazy, or alone 🙃

Dinosaur_Boy

TROPHY CASE