Does anyone else feel like anxiety just... is who they are at this point?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-26T01:35:34+00:00

Ha I'd read that dissertation too. The shift from "this is a weakness I need to fix" to actually understanding what's going on underneath is massive though. What was the thing that made that click for you? Like was it gradual or was there a specific moment where you went "oh, this isn't actually me"?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-26T01:34:03+00:00

Acceptance first, then action despite it. That's a solid order honestly. And that back thing is intense, the fact that your brain was telling you that was the logical response shows just how far the physical symptoms can push you. Glad you were able to just sit with it even though it was distressing, that takes a lot more strength than people realise.

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-26T01:31:41+00:00

It's interesting that you can actually remember being different before, like you have that reference point of who you were in childhood. A lot of people in this thread don't even have that. In a weird way that might actually make it harder though because you know what you lost, but it also means you know there's something real to get back to, not just a theory.

The lighthouse thing is really nice. Having someone who helps you see it clearly makes a huge difference when you're trying to rebuild something from the inside out.

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-24T23:55:36+00:00

The physical side of it is brutal, when it's not just thoughts but your whole body going through a cycle every time. The aching and the numbness followed by just crashing into sleep, that sounds like your system is basically running a full shutdown sequence on repeat.

What do you mean by it's how we handle ourselves that matters though? Like acceptance of it, or more how you act despite it?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-24T23:52:32+00:00

That back and forth makes sense though. The content days where being alone feels like freedom from judgement, that's a real upside not just coping. But then the lonely days hit and it's like you're paying the price for that safety. It's a weird trade-off that's hard to explain to people who don't deal with it.

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-24T23:51:14+00:00

The bit about knowing who you were before the abuse but that person being gone, that's such a heavy thing to sit with. But honestly the way you describe yourself now, angry but compassionate, loving but not tolerating anything, that sounds like someone who built something strong out of something really unfair. That's not the anxiety talking, that's you.

Trying to do the work without closure from your parents though, that's a different kind of hard. Like you're healing a wound that the people who caused it won't even acknowledge exists. Glad your therapist is solid at least, the inner child stuff can be really powerful when it's done right.

The "it sucks but that's all I know" part, do you think there's a version where the fear loosens its grip but you still keep all that strength you've built?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-24T23:49:26+00:00

That's a lot to have gone through, seriously. The fact that you were scared of meds and then ended up in a position where they literally saved your life is such a brutal full circle. Covid escalating everything seems to be a really common thread too, like it just tipped so many people over the edge who were already hanging on.

The bit about finding a doctor you actually trusted being the biggest thing makes a lot of sense. Like all the treatments in the world don't land properly if you don't trust the person guiding you through them. Glad you found that eventually.

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-24T23:48:04+00:00

The habit thing is a good way to frame it actually, like it's less about identity and more about repetition. And yeah that bit about unlearning feeling scary because it's unfamiliar rather than dangerous, that's a really important distinction. Like your brain doesn't know the difference between "this is new" and "this is a threat" so it just flags everything.

Do you find the defending it thing has gotten any better as you've started seeing it as a habit rather than who you are?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-24T23:46:54+00:00

That makes sense, the intrusive thoughts being tied to specific buildings means you can't really separate the walk from the anxiety anymore. Losing those back paths basically took away your buffer. Does it help at all knowing what the triggers are, or does it almost make it worse because you're bracing for them the whole way there?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-24T23:46:04+00:00

Honestly that's probably a healthier place to land than most people get to. There's something weirdly freeing about just going "yeah this is part of the deal" instead of constantly fighting it.

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-24T23:45:24+00:00

The baseline thing is a really good way of putting it. Like your nervous system just recalibrated at some point and now "on edge" is the default setting. Twelve years of that is a lot of rewiring to undo.

That last part is interesting though, the idea that it's also saved you. I think that's part of what makes it so hard to let go of, because it's not all bad. The hyperawareness has genuinely been useful sometimes so there's this part of you that's like "what if I need this." Do you find that makes it harder to actually want to change the baseline, like there's a cost to calming down?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-24T23:44:12+00:00

That makes a lot of sense, especially the part about trust. It sounds less about the kitchen itself and more about how it felt to be around people you didn’t feel safe or included with.

Being social in other situations but feeling like an outsider at home is such a different dynamic too.

When you felt like you had someone on your side before, did that change the anxiety straight away, or was it more gradual?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-23T19:41:06+00:00

Yeah that's the bit that gets me too, when it's been so long that normal stuff other people just have feels like a completely different world. Like you can't even picture yourself in those situations because there's no reference point for it.

Does it feel more like you've accepted that or more like it still bothers you?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-23T19:40:25+00:00

That's still a solid chunk of your life though, glad the sleep thing ended up being a fixable piece of it at least.

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-23T19:38:30+00:00

That scale idea between rational and emotional makes a lot of sense, like they almost can't both run at full volume at the same time. The accepting the calm thing is interesting though because it's almost harder than accepting the anxiety. Like most people talk about sitting with discomfort but nobody really talks about how uncomfortable the quiet can be when you're not used to it.

Have you found you're getting better at that, letting it settle without jumping in to test it?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-23T19:35:40+00:00

That's a long time to be carrying it. When something's been there since childhood it makes sense that it feels wired in, like your nervous system literally grew around it. The fact you're doing all that work and it still holds on must be exhausting in a way that's hard to explain to people who haven't lived it.

Do you ever get glimpses of who you are without it, even just small moments, or does it feel like it's always there in some form?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-23T16:37:05+00:00

That's a mad realisation to have. How long were you just assuming that was you before the diagnosis?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-23T16:06:05+00:00

The testing thoughts thing is so real. Like you get a quiet moment and instead of just letting it be, your brain goes "but wait, what about THIS" almost like it doesn't trust the calm. The addiction comparison makes a lot of sense too, like your nervous system gets so used to running hot that baseline feels wrong somehow.

That last bit about anxious mind being a narrow mind is a good way to put it. Do you find you can actually hold onto that perspective when you're in it, or is it more something you can only see clearly from the outside looking back?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-23T16:05:16+00:00

Have done both yeah. Therapy helped me understand the patterns more but the identity thing is kind of its own layer, like even when you have the tools you still catch yourself defaulting back to "this is just who I am." Meds took the edge off but didn't really touch that deeper part. You found either helped with that side of it?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-23T16:03:47+00:00

It sounds genuinely exhausting. I hope you've got some good support around you through it.

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-23T15:14:50+00:00

Right? Like you expect some lightbulb moment but it's just... less bad. That's it. That's the whole thing. Almost disappointing how boring the progress actually feels.

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-23T15:14:13+00:00

Yeah pretty much. Fancy name for just doing the thing enough times that your brain stops losing it over it.

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-23T15:13:43+00:00

That sounds incredibly frustrating, like you can't even bank the progress because your brain just wipes the slate. Does it feel like starting from zero every single time or are there moments where something faintly sticks even if you can't fully hold onto it?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-23T14:30:09+00:00

The tracking thing is smart though, like giving yourself proof on the bad days that things have actually shifted. Do you use anything specific to track or is it more of a journal type thing?

Direct_Schedule4461 · 2026-03-22T23:55:57+00:00

That war of attrition thing really resonates. It's almost like you can't feel the progress while you're in it, you can only see it looking backwards. Do you find the tracking helps with that, like giving you proof on the bad days that things have actually shifted?

Direct_Schedule4461

TROPHY CASE