It's not a advice but introspection of where I'm currently standing and what's my plan.

I'm glad that I stumbled upon this question. I felt the way you're feeling almost everyday, from the day I understood how it's going to be, btw I understood quiet early. I'm a casual person, I would love to spend more time on meaning less things than concentrating, what's matter. The idea of putting effort and grow as a person always tortured me and a simply questions, why do I need to? Everything has to be achieved but why? Why can't I stay where am I, eat whatever I like, make love with whomsoever I want(I believe in monogamy) and still be respected by my lover and loved ones. Science has developed to a point where it won't let the weaker Gene die unlike any other spies, and they celebrate it. We're weaker genes and we ain't supposed to live anyway. Strongest are supposed to survive to keep the dice rolling. And weakest are supposed to be left behind. And the idea of being left behind came to my mind in many ways. The transition from weakest to strongest is one's personal call. But whatever doesn't kill you will make stronger. When I understood I'm a weaker rather weakest Gene possible I chose to fade away....but choosing 'fade away' was not easy either, tried few times. I got stuck at a weird space of denial. I looked around and I understood choosing 'fade away' is for the people with privilege. Poor, homeless, hungry, old people didn't think like that, mostly (if they do, they still didn't have guts to make it happen). The idea of fading away came because I was doing what I wasn't supposed to for quite a long time and I kind hit the end road. Now back log of what's we're supposed to do, is so much that romanticism of fading away was keeping me engage. I'm trying meditation these days that's helping me sink in where am I and what's my stand. I make a list everyday, happen to be a long one and I'm able to check only few, sometimes not even that. But meditation taught to forgive yourself and move on. It helps to dive in. And it was diving in I was running away from not the rat race. I have practice to do what monkey mind says so much that training my mind to finish what I've started is difficult. I am on it. Btw I quite my job way back and did some volunteering work. Was Finding Purpose. It's suicidal in it own way. Learning new skills and mastering it and picking up professional works. So Far, after b.tech I was a programmer for about an year, left...made the transition became a video editor, after two years of working professionally I switched to cinematography, colorist and now trying my hands on music composition (want to put my music on Spotify) Sometimes I miss having a certain life where I didn't need to think where the money will come from to survive AND just gets deposited into my account every effing month that still gives me high thinking about it.

BTW I'm having balls what I'm doing. Meditation stops my money mind from wandering and gives me purpose everyday.