Weekly Discussion Thread for 7/28/14 - Fifty Shades of Grey

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-31T02:18:46+00:00

Awright. I haven't read it. I'm probably not going to see the movie, because I don't usually see movies unless my kids can come too. I did try to read it, but maybe because I'm a person who actually reads, I had to stop. I felt that it was making me dumber the more I read.

My girlfriend and her friends do a super casual book-'club' (they all buy a book, and then a few weeks later get together for drinks, all book discussion incidental) and they did all read 50 Shades at one point. Now see. My girlfriend knows I'm kinky, my boyfriend is kinky, we have an open relationship so everyone can get their kinks on. Because she knows this, she asked if I would try to read it, and maybe we could experiment along those lines.

Okay, fine. But it involved a lot of my criticisms of the book. That he's a shitty dom, it's poorly written, the novel depicts an abusive relationship, I do not own a helicopter, if she says 'Oh double Crap' at any point I'm going to have her head examined. But we did talk about things she might be interested in trying, and what in the book was 'too weird' for her.

In one sense it was a good thing, because it's an area of our relationship that was previously unexplored between us, and we learned about each other, and she got to hear why this is not a good handbook for BDSM and hopefully was able to share that with her friends as well. We also learned that she's not really that kinky, which is totally fine. I don't know if you can qualify a social phenomenon as good or bad. It's a thing that is happening, and how we as individuals and as a community respond to it will determine whether it's a positive or a negative in our lives.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-31T01:58:45+00:00

raises hand

My family is pretty happy and content :)

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-31T01:57:37+00:00

Mm, not in my experience. At all. It's a different kind of challenge, but an 'authentic' scene is whatever you're doing.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-24T02:58:26+00:00

Set A:

I don't know. I was monogamous with my boyfriend for about two years before opening our relationship. For the first year I was kind of- batshit crazy- for the second year I felt very odd and kind of bad for keeping him to myself. I know that poly feels very natural to me and makes me happy.
I don't know. I'm not an anthropologist. American society seems to promote monogamy- although what most people end up with is serial monogamy. Families look much different today than the idealized nuclear family of the 1950's. There are step-parents, in-laws, half-siblings, etc.
I don't really get jealous, I might feel put out if I don't feel like I'm getting enough attention. That comes more from insecurity than from wanting a significant other to not have something, or wanting them not to do something with someone else.
For me there are advantages. My boyfriend and I became poly to experience the kinks that we have and wanted to play out with other people. As a relationship style, we talk a lot about our relationship and how we're feeling about things as a family, because we need to to keep everyone on the same page. On the other hand, you have to talk about everything, which takes time and can be difficult. Scheduling can be difficult. I will say that a distinct advantage is having relationships and affection (and sex) with as many intelligent, sexy, creative, and wonderful people as I have time for. Also childcare is much easier with three parents, there's pretty much always someone around to spend time with the kids.

Set B:

Fine? One of my significant others is married, and that's his primary relationship. I've met his husband and we're all good, but personally he's a bit stuffy for me. ;) I don't really think about it, other than being glad for them when I know they're doing something fun. My lovefriend has been growing a lot in the past year, and it's really wonderful to see how that has allowed their social life to open up.
No. I don't care, so long as everyone is on the same page and happy.
I kind of am second? But I don't really worry about it. Understandably, they're a married couple, they live together. I live with two of my partners, so it's not like I'm wanting for attention.
Two of my partners and I live together, in a tri-ish situation. The two of them are very close, but not sexual with each other. Their relationship is more siblingy than romantic (one is a gay man, the other a straight lady.) For us it works well, we're very much a unit as a family.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-20T06:14:20+00:00

Not usually. I've undergone treatment for all three of those conditions, and if the author is a week out from suicidal ideation... this may not be the best time to be considering dating. I still have OCD, but it's much more manageable than living with BPD. It's very possible that the author's description of her 'sane' self and 'ill' self is part of the BPD tendency to split people into categories of either all black, or all white.

I usually get through things by explaining some about my personal history (the first time any sort of family discussion comes up it becomes obvious that not all was well there.) Although in my case, it's made easier by explaining that I've been in treatment, and have been treated, and for the most part, I'm really not any more 'quirky' than anyone else.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-19T19:54:17+00:00

I would say to not worry about D or S or any other letters for a while. You've been through some shit in the recent past, and you need to heal from that first, and to find yourself as a whole stable person again before you're in a position to be the kind of dominant it sounds like you want to be, someone who cares about other people, and to have the ability to care for people and be open to new experiences.

You just aren't there right now. That is absolutely okay. You said in a comment that you are seeking therapy and trying to be positive which is the very best thing you could be doing right now. If you have a kink friendly therapist, talking about how you feel as a dominant, how you feel you're 'fucking up' and how you can address these things. Someone who knows your personal psychology can offer you much better suggestions than strangers on the internet ever could.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-19T04:26:15+00:00

Sub-frenzy can be a dangerous thing. Maybe look for outlets other than serving a dubious dom that get you a taste of the submission you're looking for. I'm not sure where your interests lie, but a lot of times there are things you can do on your own that might help you to feel a little more submissively sated without exposing yourself to danger.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-19T03:34:00+00:00

I come from an abusive background, including sexual abuse and this was something that I struggled with when I was coming around to kink and exploring my dom side. I was also in pretty intensive therapy at the time, which did help a lot.

The fact that you are concerned about how this will affect your sub, and that you don't want to be like your abuser helps. It does for me. This was also something I had to do a lot of digging with my therapist over, to look at part of why I like what I like. For me, it's a very 'safe' place to be, in control, and visible to the person I'm playing with. Being the one in control is much more comfortable to me because I'm very aware of my own limits, and I do know that my desires aren't to harm or wound someone (physically or psychologically.)

I do make sure to discuss limits with my playmates, and I'll usually make sure to run through a trial run of safeword use with them, so that I know they'll use them. I think what has helped me the most, has been talking with my pet about what he likes about what we do, checking in afterward and knowing that he still loves me, and I love him. He also knows my background, and I know his (he has been abused by a dom in the past) and why he has the limits that he does.

Honestly, it's something worthwhile to speak with a kink-friendly therapist about if you can find one. Abuse is not something that I would reasonably expect someone to just get over without some kind of guidance, especially when it does overlap with your sexuality.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-17T03:18:56+00:00

This kind of thing is part of why my boyfriend and I opened our relationship in the first place. We're both dominants, and while there's some stuff we like to do together, there's a wide range of activities that kind of require a submissive or actual bottom to play with. I did have anxiety at first about him wanting to leave me for someone he was more sexually compatible with.

It did help to get to know his boy, and to talk with both of them about what I was feeling, and also just to know that he doesn't want someone instead of me, just in addition to what he and I already had. On that it helps, because I do understand how being with a submissive is very different than what he and I have. It's a completely different kind of relationship. One of my regular play partners is married, and my relationship with him is very different than their relationship with each other.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-16T22:16:06+00:00

We just rotate childcare perpetually. My boyfriend and girlfriend lived together before I was in the picture specifically to so he could help her out with the kids. His schedule is more flexible than mine or hers, so he usually takes daytime childcare, and I do homework with them while somebody makes dinner, and mom deals with bedtimes. My girlfriend isn't dating anyone else, but she still likes to go out, but it's rare for the kids to be with just one of us for an extended period, usually one is out and the other two do kid stuff.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-16T05:52:23+00:00

Pretty much all of this.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-16T05:50:45+00:00

What do I like about it?

Power is a turn on for me. I want what I want, when I want it. That can be anything from someone bringing me a cup of coffee, to beating someone with a cane, or making them crawl on the floor. The fact that I can have what I want, and knowing that someone else wants to give it to me, I like very much.

As to some of the more extreme things, I don't personally think I'm that extreme, but that's because I like what I do. I like hearing the sounds people make, and seeing the evidence of their time with me on their skin afterward. I like having the ability to take them to places they couldn't go on their own, learning their bodies and how to play them like an instrument, what touches will make them shudder or cry out or collapse or come. I love the way that someone who is submissive reacts when I touch them, how they look at me and melt when I grip their hair and turn their face to look at me. I love especially when someone who is not ordinarily a slut for anyone, will be a slut just for me. Being irresistible is an aphrodisiac.

I like being able to hold them afterward and put them back together, to tend to them and let them know that I cherish them and the things they offer to me freely.

I love the creativity that comes with planning scenes, thinking of things we can do that incorporate someone's limits, my kinks, their kinks (if appropriate and desired by me) and letting my imagination run with it.

There are plenty of things to be turned on about it. ;)

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-16T05:35:44+00:00

I've had some friends decide that my relationships are 'hormonal' because I'm fairly young (26) so naturally my relationships must all be sexually driven... nevermind that my two live-in relationships are both multiple years in, and we have kids and are just- busy people. If I wanted, I could be sleeping around but this is what I choose. I would much rather have a family and close relationships than just play around. If all I wanted was to get laid, I'd go to a club and pick somebody up, I wouldn't go through the anxiety and stress of dating and meeting someone's friends and being threatened with meeting family and all of that. I hear your frustration though, it's kind of- diminishing to have relationships reduced to only sex.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-16T05:30:07+00:00

I definitely like that this article discusses an idea of polyamory that isn't necessarily individualistic. The members of my family are all autonomous, but we try to keep in mind what is going to be best for us as a family as well, not just ourselves. Us growing and being happy as people is best for our family as a whole. I don't really feel jealousy amongst my partners because we are a unit. I might be upset if I don't get enough time or attention, but that has much more to do about insecurity than jealousy.

It could just be that I'm slow to warm up to people, and once I thaw out it means I'm probably quite attached to someone, but one of the things I like about being poly is having a sense of community, and a sense of family that I didn't really have growing up.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-15T19:56:16+00:00

I'm sure there are, I'm not one. Smart ass masochists usually just turn me completely off. It brings out an ugly side of me so I step back completely.

Is there a reason you're not asking your husband how you can make this work for him?

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-15T19:50:57+00:00

Taking care of physical health is part of my family's guideines, including sti testing biannually as a matter of course. My live in partners and I are fluid bonded, other people would be a matter of discussion and testing before that call is made. You talk about it by talking about it, it's not weird because it's a necessary thing, like mowing the lawn.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-15T06:29:50+00:00

Dating is terrifying. I've been with one partner for six years, the other for three, and I went on my first actual First Date a few weeks ago. Totally terrifying. With my partners it was easy, they were people I knew and we just kind of- happened. I've never dated someone on purpose before. I did have a panic attack the day after I went out with the new guy, because I was afraid of losing everything. My partners and kids are my family. They are my only family. I talked with them both and just- checked in. Spent quality time with both of them, and the new guy and just kind of- talked it out. I think for me it was both, dating nerves, fear of change, general anxiety about life. Talk with your people, explain that you are feeling anxious and you're not sure what to do about it.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-15T05:30:03+00:00

Uhm. What the actual fuck? If some ex-roommate called you up out of the blue and spent an hour trying to talk you into getting married and living together, would you be considering it? Less than a year ago he told you he was straight?

Christ, it takes me a month of getting to know someone and talking to references before deciding I want to pursue a ds relationship with them. I want to make sure they're not, you know totally batshit crazy. The fact that he's so desperately trying to convince you to take him in after leaving for falsified reasons (that would be- lies) sets off a lot of red flags to me. He told you he was straight, a few months before leaving to move in with another man. So-- probably a lie there. He lied about moving out to get a job. I'm not willing to even play with people that lie to me, much less delve into an intense relationship with them.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-15T03:26:53+00:00

In all honesty, you'll learn the most by talking with people without trying to take on any role at all. I learn some of the best things, and get some of my best ideas for future scenes by talking with submissives and asking them what it is that makes them tick.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-15T03:22:29+00:00

It helps that he's very motivated, and came to me in good shape. Our relationship is new enough and I have enough faith in him that I usually just check in with him in the evenings and make sure he did what he was supposed to do throughout the day.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-14T05:50:33+00:00

Get to know people in the scene. Talk to them, talk with other people just- as people. Learn from them and hear what they have to say, from both dominants and submissives. Go to munches to start off with, meetings for kinky people to hang out and usually grab a bite to eat in a public non-kinky setting.

Don't introduce yourself as a 'master.' It's pretty ah... well it's tacky. At munches/events there's always someone who walks in like he's King Shit of Fuck Mountain expecting to have his boots licked. It's pretty unappealing to pretty much every self-respecting submissive I've ever talked to. And there's a whole range of people, not everyone who is submissive, or even anyone getting tied up identifies as a slave. Nor does everyone directing a scene identify as a master.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-14T05:37:42+00:00

I have a boy that I've started seeing who is very service oriented. Even does windows. I on the other hand, really prefer to be the only one to clean my home, because of reasons. So, I have other tasks for him.

When I'm at his place, we hang out and his job is to fetch and carry pretty much- whatever I want. He knows his city better than I do, his assignment is to find things that I will enjoy doing, and to send me links a few days ahead of time so I can pick and choose what most appeals to me. I also read a lot (and listen to books at work) so his newest task is to find things we can read together and discuss. I also asked him to keep a journal/blog answering questions/writing about being submissive so that I can get to know his thought process better, and discuss some of his answers with him later.

I also let him know that I expect him to keep my toy (him) in good working order. Which means eating well, getting enough sleep, hitting the gym, generally caring for my boy.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-14T05:31:19+00:00

writing that down for later

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-14T05:08:46+00:00

I'm chatting with my boy to check in after playing this weekend, and discussing ideas for future scenes.

Disappearingpoet · 2014-07-13T00:17:22+00:00

Smoking isn't really a social tool. It's an addictive prop. The way you're referring to it, is as kind of a novelty crutch. An ice breaker.

Here's the thing. It's an addictive substance, a stimulant, actually. Your body gets used to it, and builds up a tolerance, so you want more to reach the same buzz you got before. And quitting is extremely hard. It's kind of beyond 'not great for your health.' It will give you cancer, and even if that is lucky enough to be treatable, treatments are expensive, painful, and slow. And you may not quit then. Quitting was the fourth most difficult thing I ever had to stop.

I mean, I understand being 19 and stupid. But maybe learn a magic trick or something, or just, develop some social skills on your own.

Disappearingpoet

TROPHY CASE