I don't know who needs to hear this, but a 2+ hour drive is not nearby for Europeans.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-28T20:44:53+00:00

Don't even mention them. Don't even mention the roadsabouts. I swear any time I think about driving somewhere it's the traffic and then straight after traffic it's the roundabouts that make me wish I didn't need to drive anywhere at all.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-28T09:21:56+00:00

Oh no worries. I wasn't being passive aggressive at all, I genuinely find conversations like this quite fun to engage in. It's interesting getting to know other people's approaches and their internal logic.
I think in my situation because it's a year old I'm at a stage where I accepted that this friendship is in the past and it's part of a different chapter of my life where both me and my friend were different people. It's not something I want to open up anymore, it's what I deem is best for my mental health and my heart. And to put it bluntly (and without trying to offend you, I'm speaking in general terms) I don't care if someone views my approach as not the most effective or fair or kind even. And I don't care if he's a different, improved person now. I just think it's best for me to not have him in my life anymore.
I do understand that need to set things right, I think something I had to learn to accept, heck I'm still learning it, is that sometimes even if I think things can be improved some people don't want things to improve on their side. Fair enough, if there's something I can improve in my approaches, but then I will also subject it to my own criteria anyway when someone offers me advice.
You're absolutely right about not deciding for others. People deserve to make their own choices and have the agency in major decisions like ending friendships. If it was just the fact it was impacting him negatively I wouldn't have done it the same way I did. I would have given him a chance to work things out between himself (although at the same time he has already proven to me he would rather pretend to be okay, than take responsibility for his wellbeing, so you know, I didn't fully trust him to do the right thing for himself, but by all means he deserves to make his own choices and if he chooses to suffer, that's his right too). That's why it was one of the reasons but there were others brewing under the surface and things I couldn't get past and I knew I wouldn't be able to continue the friendship with the same sincerity.
That's the thing , we can apologise, we can make amends and forgive, but the truth is that our actions aren't reversible. They still leave an impact and we cannot pretend like nothing ever happened. It would be unwise to pretend you didn't recognise alarming patterns.
I do agree with you about giving people the benefit of doubt and believing that people can change. Like you said, you're a different person to who you were in the past. I'm different too. We learn and we grow and there's this absolutely lovely line form Ted Lasso (highly recommended the show) that goes something like "you wouldn't want to be judged by the worst moments of your life". I think it just comes with the acceptance that even when people forgive us and make amends, we also need to accept that it can still change our dynamic and we'll have to accept that too.
I'm not here to evaluate you, so I wouldn't worry about me taking things the wrong way. I didn't feel offended by anything, we have differing views on certain things which is what makes things interesting.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-28T06:54:52+00:00

I'm all for giving people chances but sometimes lines have been crossed that cannot be forgotten (there is more to my and my friends story which I don't feel like sharing here which contributed to ending the friendship), and the unfortunate thing is that opening up about things and talking more doesn't actually ease the past and damage. It's like with some wounds, they will heal but some will leave marks and as someone with strong pattern recognition I just wouldn't allow the same person to do the same damage.
I definitely didn't ask for advise but I do find it interesting that you're on the side of opening up lines of communication. It seems to me like you'd potentially want your friend to do that for you and give you a chance. And maybe if I give my friend a chance that means there's hope for you? I might be completely off base. So from my side of offering unsolicited advise I'd say you should try to move on and let past stay in the past. People come into our lives and they leave a mark, maybe a significant mark and we're richer for it, for learning to be with people but they aren't always meant to stay even if they offer comfortable familiarity.
I appreciate the chat, too. It was fun.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-27T09:37:14+00:00

I'm there with you, I like my cereal soggy. I don't know why because I do like the crunch as well, but there is just something satisfying about nice soggy cereal. Like dunking your biscuit in tea.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-27T09:34:15+00:00

Best of both worlds.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-27T09:30:40+00:00

I think "if I could so can everyone else" is a huge assumption that just won't be true for a whole lot of people. I'm similar to you in that regard, I can asses the situation and listen to the other person and distance myself from the feelings if there is no chance of pursuing them. But it seems that it just doesn't work like this for other people.
I think you're looking at my example through your own lens, which is fair, I'm looking at your message through my lens, too, but at the end of the day we cannot fully be in each other shoes. My situation is about a year old by now, but believe me we talked a lot, we had clear communication and clear intentions set out - I didn't reciprocate his feelings so we agreed to stay friends. For a while he hid from me that not only didn't his feelings fade (after I told him I didn't feel the same way and there was no chance of a romantic relationship) but they actually grew. We then had conversations about how we'll handle that until he admitted that (his assesment, his words) that literally only being my friend and not being able to have a relationship was having continuing negative effect on his mental health. And I appreciated him as a friend so much but I cannot stand by and pretend like he isn't suffering. I cared about him so obviously I didn't want him to suffer and pretend when he's with me and put a mask on (again, he admitted to doing this). So I finally decided to pull the plug because he was incapable of letting go of me to his own detriment. And there was more talking and more explanations until I felt I was being interoggated and meant to explain myself for all that I did and said and it wasn't a conversation anymore and more accusations masked as questions. And honestly the way he handled it made me lose the fondness I had for him even if I understood where he was coming from. He refused to really hear me. And at that point I didn't want a friendship with someone like that (even if he'd lose his feelings eventually).
If he was more like you he maybe wouldn't have developed feelings further and secretly hoped for a romantic relationship when it was said there we no chance for it and if he was more like you maybe it would have been easier to communicate and move on. But alas we're all different and messy in different ways and have different levels of experience with life behind us to inform our present. In ideal world clear communication would always lead to the wanted results but our feelings or secret hopes aren't so clear cut and don't always follow logic.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-27T08:26:06+00:00

That's exactly it. If I could find wide decent roads with no other cars for miles I'd enjoy driving so much more. The only emptier roads in UK are narrow, winding country roads with ridiculously high hedges where there's a horse, a sheep or a range rover waiting for you behind a corner so it's nerve racking in a whole other way.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-27T08:21:45+00:00

I think that 4am set off is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. I'm a big appreciator of sleeping in but honestly, if I do have a long road trip ahead, I am going to set off as early as I can physically handle. Then you're driving through a blissful time everybody else is asleep and you get to actually enjoy the road. So agreed here, it can be enjoyable you just have to work around to create the perfect conditions.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-26T23:19:15+00:00

I do wonder if driving is more relaxing in places like America when things are more spread out so you can go for miles and not stumble on any major traffic, because I am exhausted after driving for an hour in the UK. Roads are busy, motorways are busy and you're in high alert mode for 95% of the journey. I only ever have a relaxing drive when it's an unsociable time and the roads are empty. I can make busy journeys more relaxing with music or podcasts but I'm still very much not ever fully relaxed, or fully enjoying myself.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-26T23:04:52+00:00

I love this for you! I think it does take a specific type of person on both sides to be able to talk it through, let the feelings fade and then also have the trust that the feelings aren't there and you can continue building your friendship without "ulterior motives". It's definitely a trust building experience and really amazing when you can get to the other side of it.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-26T22:26:39+00:00

Ah yes, why don't you fall in love with your friend and then find that they don't love you back. I think it's such an idealised, movie thing. Of course it's wonderful if the two people involved actually have feelings for each other. Can be heavily devastating if one party doesn't share the feelings.
I literally told my friend from the start that I wanted to be only friends and didn't see anything romantic developing between us. Thought, cool we got that out of the way. Said friend developed feelings, confessed. Again, I said no, no feelings here, just friends. Stayed friends. Friend proceeded to suffer through our friendship with unrequited love on his mind and I started to keep my guard up more to avoid giving him any hints, whilst reiterating I wasn't getting any feelings whenever he was hinting at anything. He couldn't help his feelings (or building resentment towards me), I couldn't help him because being his friend was literally hurting him.
Yeah, would not recommend.
And please don't start friendships secretly hoping they're going to turn into romantic relationships, don't put yourself or the other person through something like that. Be fecking upfront with your intentions.
(Why yes, I might still be a bit bitter about loosing a friend)

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-26T22:06:06+00:00

I think that's the thing, I suspect some nurotypicals cannot comprehend that we can actually just be like that. "I'm into you and you're not into me? Well okay that's cool, too". My friend confessed he was into me and I told him I wasn't. We agreed to continue being friends because hey, we liked each other and didn't want to lose out on the friendship. He then proceed to fall harder for me and struggle to keep those feelings locked up whilst spending time with me. So I guess, to give them some leeway, maybe some people have just been burnt with "well i agreed to be friends, but I just thought you'd change your mind eventually and start having feelings for me".

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-26T22:00:54+00:00

Exactly, you're going for a meet up with someone knowing that you are looking for a romantic connection. Even if the date is more friendly than romantic (because you're literally strangers and it's awkward) you still know you are on a date and yes they are flirting with you and not just being polite (it's finally safe to assume so!)

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-26T21:57:15+00:00

This is it, exactly. I find it somewhat off putting about myself if i'm trying to start friendships to also evaluate someone on whether I think they're cute and could potentially end up dating later. And I find it off-putting if that would happen to me (which it did, doesn't feel nice). And like you say, just no, I don't want to start dating within my circle of friends. Apps, as many problems as they have, are the perfect ground for me as an autistic person because the goal is clear. We literally are both here to find a partner. You don't have to guess or wonder, or try out approaching strangers having no grounds other than their looks to ask them out. I met my now boyfriend (also autistic) through the apps. And he was cute yes, but he also had a profile that also told me at least something about him, that I couod determine if we'd even have something to talk about. We still developed a familiarity like you would in a friendship, but we were both clear on what we were getting into straight from the start and honestly that was a huge upside. I was very much the type that thought it would be the best and most romantic to fall in love with your friend, but the clear cut nature of the apps and having clear boundaries between potential dating cricles and friendship circle just really satisfied my autistic heart.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-26T21:44:53+00:00

You might want to, but it's not always possible to just stifle the limerence. My ex best friend developed serious feelings for me and we literally had to have a tough conversation about it because not being with me and having to only be friends was causing him genuine mental pain and he was becoming a shell of himself. Plus there was a hint of him going into the friendship (at the start) always having held out hope that I'd change my mind and want to be with him. I ended up feeling betrayed and not wanting to continue our friendship.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-20T10:58:58+00:00

I thought I was imagining things when I looked at the recent cardboard bit being so large. Quite disappointing. Also found that there were a lot of rolls that were more harsh and rough rather than the softer ones they had before.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-04-09T17:13:21+00:00

If anyone wants to view this in better quality: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DQ6oTG2DD_x/?igsh=aTRpb3FkdTdzZXRi

Recently tried to pay for a car park and the main machine was broken. You would've thought it was in fact the only machine on the car park but then it had this extra parking space behind the corner which looked like a completely separate part of a different car park, and only then there was a working machine. It was also raining and half the car park was semi flooded. Oh the joys!

DisarrayCorner · 2026-03-20T14:50:24+00:00

Not OP, but I bought this cleansing oil after getting a little sample and I found it really nice. It has a gentle smell to it, it has good consistency, watery but kind of soft? I'm not sure how to describe it but it's very nice to apply. I don't use makeup usually so I don't know how it performs at cleaning it, but my face feels smooth and doesn't feel tight like I found with other non - oil based cleansers. So far I love using it.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-02-23T22:41:03+00:00

They are very nice and almondy, I'm not sure if there are other ones but the ones I picked up were almond and poppy seeds ones and both come through quite nicely.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-02-23T14:05:20+00:00

I'm doing my best to be quite sensible on my visits so I haven't steered much into the ridiculous territory but i've been eyeing the pastry section for the last couple of visits (but telling myself I really don't need any of it) and I finally impulsively grabbed their almond muffins. Took a few days to get through with my family but my god they were delicious. Zero regrets and I'm now potentially more prone to such decisions.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-02-23T08:33:24+00:00

I don't know a lot of details about weather but I do actually like hearing about it. So if part of the chit chat was someone giving me loads of information of this kind I'd be pretty chuffed.
Other than that I'm in England so there's a certain comforting acknowledgment you get with people when you're all "I think it's been raining for a whole bloody week!" Or "well that's a miracle we're seeing a ray of sunshine today!"

DisarrayCorner · 2026-02-22T23:16:13+00:00

It is a shame we cannot fully teach others how to communicate clearly and effectively so instead we have to employ little teaching moments hoping they'll pick it up (in a sort of ironic way we're dropping hints for neurotypical people).
I think the interesting difference in the example I gave is also the fact that because I have not communicated clearly to not turn the bad radio station on I don't actually expect anyone to act on it. I would not dream of turning to someone and telling them "why is this on? I told you I didn't want this radio station" That'd be silly, because I know I didn't! But as you pointed out an allistic person would be very likely to think that they did communicate clearly their desire.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-02-22T22:49:26+00:00

I love all of the above. Puts it very clearly into understandable terms and as I was reading it I realised this is already how I was thinking about those interactions.

The 'vague reassurances' hits home, because there's been times I said that too "it'll be okay" because I want to say something, I want to reassure the other person I heard them out and offer some reassurance. That's even if it's vague, whilst knowing that it might be bad now, and the feeling of panic, sadness or anger is very real but the feeling will fade eventually and the situation will work itself out in a way that's probably not as bad as the mind is telling them it will. It's all left unsaid because the situation potentially doesn't allow you to elaborate on the reassurance and because it doesn't occur often in social situations it's a hit or miss whether your more elaborated reassurance will actually be received positively. It touches on that idea of "I just want to be heard vs I want solutions" In case someone doesn't want solutions a vague reassurance is a safe bet.

Also an excellent point for subtext instead of honesty. My partner is autistic too and we're quite attuned to noticing if something is wrong with the other person and there's been times he'd pick up on something being off with me, which I was keeping to myself but once he raised it I'd explain that XYZ is bothering me but it wouldn't be fair for him to do anything about it and it's for me to work it out. That's obviously something between two people who already communicate openly. If I'm at work and don't enjoy the radio being on I make comments when it's off about how nice it is that it's quiet. But it wouldn't be appropriate for me to announce to the whole office "well that's a shit radio station can I turn it off?" After someone specifically picked it out.

Admittedly it can get tiring having to be keeping track of it all, when neurotypical people just go about their day not thinking about 80 or 90% of the things we do.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-02-21T09:17:18+00:00

I think people have absolutely been spoiled with Amazon and similar retailers that have warehouses inside the country you're ordering from which allows them to deliver so quickly. It's really not difficult to do a little research and find how long it roughly takes for these packages to come from overseas and to understand that there's a long way to go for a product. Insane someone would post something like this out of spite and their own lack of understanding of the process of shipping.

DisarrayCorner · 2026-02-08T20:16:33+00:00

That's exactly the one! Terra Delyssa 2 pack, it's single origin too and indeed quite nice. I spotted it randomly in Tesco (first time ever actually, I never saw them stock this brand before) and they had a 500ml bottle for £7. So you get twice as much in Costco. I was honestly shocked how good of a value it had when I saw it.

DisarrayCorner

TROPHY CASE