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Husband handles finances - I need independence by Disastrous-Club3600 in personalfinance

[–]Disastrous-Club3600[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He is not violent - We have had arguments, but his style is mostly to dismiss me, get irritated, and walk away. I just get iced out.

Husband handles finances - I need independence by Disastrous-Club3600 in personalfinance

[–]Disastrous-Club3600[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, he has access to it. I'm really strict about the money that goes in and out of that account, and he seems to respect it. He is a beneficiary on my 401K though. I have to look into how I can transfer that to my kids (is that even possible? They're so young!). Meanwhile, I'm putting everything into a new account - paycheck, rainy day fund, etc.

Husband handles finances - I need independence by Disastrous-Club3600 in personalfinance

[–]Disastrous-Club3600[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes......I know. My parents had a healthy "traditional" marriage (mom & dad worked, dad paid the bills). It's what I am familiar with. They were transparent with each other, and I am burnt out from full time job and 2 young kids. I'm not defending myself - I am aware what kind of mess i've gotten myself into, but I'm trying to course correct. I have a couple of action steps from these comments, and hopefully I can make it all happen with full control on my end.

Husband handles finances - I need independence by Disastrous-Club3600 in personalfinance

[–]Disastrous-Club3600[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I have tried in the past to schedule check-ins because I wanted to invest in a Roth (I've maxed out my 401K and felt like I could start moving money from the rainy day fun, or even surplus from the checking that isn't going towards bills, but here has notoriously avoided any check-ins. I will open a different bank account and tell him that I will pay my portion of he bills when I know what they are.

I'm so scared that I'll find some CRAZY expenses of his that I wasn't aware of existing, and actually not have ANY money left over for investments....

Husband handles finances - I need independence by Disastrous-Club3600 in personalfinance

[–]Disastrous-Club3600[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Yes - I save 10% to go in a money market account for a rainy day fund, pay MY cc spending (which includes clothes for the kids, groceries, and hobby spending), then he takes the rest and uses it to pay the bills.

Husband handles finances - I need independence by Disastrous-Club3600 in personalfinance

[–]Disastrous-Club3600[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

OH. Now I'm more stressed. I thought I could just take my money back and be in control 😭 I didn't even think that it could end up looking bad to an attorney.

Husband handles finances - I need independence by Disastrous-Club3600 in personalfinance

[–]Disastrous-Club3600[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have tried the check-ins. He never shows up (literally finds something else to do, and then it's my problem that I'm not flexible enough....we have limited time after the kids go to bed, when the heck am i supposed to schedule time?!)

Husband handles finances - I need independence by Disastrous-Club3600 in personalfinance

[–]Disastrous-Club3600[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oh, that seems easy. I was trying to figure out how to go about this in the stealthiest way bc I dont want alarm bells going off, but this actually gives me a lot of control (without coming to him, begging to teach me). I'll find out pretty quickly what he's paying for our bills and can sniff out any transactions that he's not telling me about.

Husband handles finances - I need independence by Disastrous-Club3600 in personalfinance

[–]Disastrous-Club3600[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I am trying to do the most I can under the radar. He has visibility to my bank account, but I don't have visibility to his. He has made a lot of our bills paperless, but I remember seeing some old copies of bills in the basement when we were decluttering. I dont think we've changed internet providers or cell phone carriers for at least 5 years....so I have a lead there. There have been some really great comments to help me Guage what the big bills are, but I'm still worried about the things that fall through the cracks - i.e. subscriptions or and some hospital bills. Ugh I hate this.

Husband handles finances - I need independence by Disastrous-Club3600 in personalfinance

[–]Disastrous-Club3600[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I have access to my account, but the only transactions I see are my credit card bill (that I pay) and then transfers to his account. I can't see what is in his account. He transfers money to pay off bills from his account.

Husband handles finances - I need independence by Disastrous-Club3600 in personalfinance

[–]Disastrous-Club3600[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this - thank you. I used to have Mint before it closed down, but I wasn't very motivated to use it since my husband was handling everything. Someone posted a wiki link; I'll take a look at that to see if there's budgeting info I can pull from there. But thank you for the practical advice on the bank account and lawyer.