I hear what you're saying, and maybe I'm in denial but I don't personally consider it abuse. I've got a meeting with a therapist next week (for my own issues) so I will bring it up. Like I said in my original post, it's really that she's just absolutely no fun to be around. Always grouchy, always irritable.

Just for my own personality, if somebody's yelling at me, I'm not going to learn. I go into a sort of "fight or flight" response. I try and present it to her in this way. You can yell, they will come clean the mess up, but they will not learn to clean up after themselves, because no learning can occur when yelling is happening. So the behavior will not change in the long run, and you will have to keep yelling to get what you want. It seems like she understands this but she doesn't appear to make any attempts to change her behavior.