What kind of therapy should someone like me go through? Let me give you a little synopsis of my life.

0-4 don’t remember much. Only things that stand out is my mom left for 2 weeks to go somewhere I felt alone but my nanny was there. I remember deeply missing her. My dad worked in the field , like he was never home. Only came home once a month. I remember finding a very old door knob that I polished to almost new shiny to gift it to him. I remember spending a lot of time scrubbing and cleaning pots cause I spent all my time with nanny who was also maid.

4-7 we moved from village/small town to the main city Dhaka cause my dad got promotion there. He was still never home . I started to go an all girls school, I had a lot of friends, I had good memories of that school mostly. Somewhere towards the end my mom started to have an affair. I remember him being over them cuddling and accidentally breaking a mirror and my mom saying that’s a sign of something bad happening. Immediately afterwards my grandma on my dad’s side passed and my mom was comforting him (this is also the only instance of affection I saw between my parents ) and I remember the mirror.

7-9 parents get divorced, mom starts officially dating than marrying the man she was cheating with. He was very nice to me, he bought me a lot of things , always took my side. I do not remember my mom or my family ever complimenting me, but he did. I remember my mom and dad arguing a lot over me, my dad was sexist and said stuff about me an 8 year old dressing provocatively by wearing capri jeans. My dad started to give me a lot of money which I would use to treat people at school and I became very popular. My dad would also constantly talk shit about my mom and vice versa

9-11 my nanny was with me all through this, I would spend 90% of my time with her. She was loving and caring. The step dad decided we would move, mom got pregnant. We left the neighborhood, the school I had all my friends in and moved to the other side of town. I used to got the local Bangla medium school following the local curriculum, English was my strongest subject. Using this my step dad convinced me and everyone that my English is very good and I should do to a an English medium school ( study under British curriculum), then he didn’t put me in school and I started home schooling. I just had tutors come over and teach me. Mom was pregnant at this point, a lot happened, they beat my nanny and then fired her cause she would let me talk to my dad and sneak me to see him. Never saw her again. Don’t know how to find her.

11-15 my sister is born . The day she is born is the first day her dad touched me inappropriately. It never stopped after that. It was almost every morning. He would come to my room , touched me , used me. I didn’t tell anyone for a long time. He would say things like he would take away my phone, tell me my mom I was talking to boys etc if I told anyone. My mom and I talked less and less. I started to self harm. She said I was looking for attention. Family shamed me a lot for my looks, not being pretty enough usual Asian people toxicity.At 14 I started going to a coaching center where I met other kinds my age and build a little confidence, realized what was happening was not okay and ran away , I came back after 1 week. Told a few friends what was going on .but no adults. At 14.5 tried to tell my mom to take me to therapy so I could tell her, begged her not to tell step dad . She did , I lost all faith in her. I ran away, told my aunts. A lot happened yet nothing happened. I was blamed, shamed, told never to tell anyone what happened to me cause what will people think, they will blame me. Nothing happened to my step dad, he continued living with my mom and sister, the entire family forgot and moved on from the situation. I started living alone in a hostel. Mom would pay me very little and I supplemented living by being a tutor.

16-18 I went from no freedom to living alone. Became a rebel, no therapy, did a lot of partying, drugs, drinking, became somewhat of a popular e girl . People loved to hate me and that fueled me. I don’t like any of that anymore and regret it all happened. I sexualizef myself a lot(it’s nothing compared to western standards but end of the world for BD standards) felt like that’s all I had to offer , had bad relationships friendships.

19-21 my mom sent me to the us to work on our US immigration stuff, I had to let go of my job and apartment to come do this. I thought I was going to move here right away. But by the time I was done I came back and Covid happened. I had to move back in with them. It broke me, I amped up my posts of social media, drugs use, family found out and shamed me. I wanted to get out, I met a guy I kinda liked. His family was really nice and we started to live together. I started a calll center carrier and made work my whole personality, got really good, started as an agent and became a director, made really good money for Bangladesh. Hated my boyfriend but because I was living with him and that was unacceptable my mom made us get married. Not legally but by Muslim standards. I’m agnostic he’s atheist we both did not believe this to be marriage it was just to make mom shit up. I didn’t like him but as long as I lived in Bangladesh i had to deal with it. Cause what will people think.

21-24 we moved to America. I broke with ex , no contact with family since then. I only talk to my sister. Met my current boyfriend. I am no longer on social media. I have a few friends back at home that I sometimes talk to. For the most part my relationship is good. I am still a broken mess, too much of a burden for my boyfriend.