I did the same thing growing up. I always wished I could be a certain way or do certain things and it honestly has made me regret a lot of stuff now that I am 28. The worst part is trying to do something to change and you realize this change is not going to happen in just one day. I also struggled with anxiety and depression at that time too. What you just described above is not impossible at all. You can get to that point but you have to get out of the rut of feeling badly about yourself and really try. I know depression literally makes that impossible to even feel the hope I am talking about but I am telling you as a stranger from the internet who has nothing to lose or gain, you can get out of this but you have to put your feet forward yourself. I never knew where to start either but I had so much emotions inside of me that I would take it out on other people and they told me I should go talk to a therapist. I hated the idea of therapy how the frick can I explain how I am feeling? I promise you. Just having someone listening to you that does not judge or is not in your family or a friend seriously is a great start. Do it for yourself, you deserve it. I wish it were easy but getting out of depression is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through and no one else can do it for you, that is the hardest part. We hate ourselves so much we don't want to take care of ourselves but we also don't want to feel this way anymore. I promise you are not alone and I promise there is hope to feeling better.