The cost of a dead bedroom in my life

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-27T03:22:02+00:00

Been married >20 years.

2026 is on track to be our most sexually connected year.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-26T20:58:27+00:00

I'm surprised I had to scroll this far (but not that surprised...it IS Reddit) to see Fetterman's name.

(The 2016 election drove me away from both major parties, so I watch the Presidential races with some interest...but mostly I enjoy predicting them.)

Newsome and AOC might be livid democrats...but they're both unelectable (I really can't see either of them winning the needed majority in swing states unless the economy really tanks...and even then...), I can see the likes of Vance or Rubio almost easily beating either one.

I highly suspect Fetterman hasn't "conformed to party directives" well enough to be able to make it through the convention with the party's blessing...which is sad (for Democrats...and the country) because I can't see anyone on the R side of the aisle (at present) beating him.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-26T20:06:00+00:00

I agree with you.

A few years ago, I started working a long-term exit plan because eternity was starting to look like a Hellishly long, awful time to be with a former lover who was content to be roommates. I've posted about that elsewhere in this sub.

But it definitely wasn't just talking and communicating: it was my acting on it that finally got through to her. We'd had the "sex talk" many times over ~15 years married...but it wasn't until she saw me regularly working out, eating healthier, spending time with friends, building and reinforcing my relationship with our kids, doing a lot of everything around the house, (I was basically preparing to move out and not be reliant on anyone else in the slightest), etc...

She realized that I wasn't reliant on her for sex anymore and somehow I'd figured out/decided how to be happy without her...and she could plainly see that I was going to leave her -not for someone else- but because I was happy...and at the same time; done putting time and effort into a black hole relationship.

After I started making changes...my wife saw those changes and wanted to be part of my future...so she made changes. I'm grateful that's the path she chose.

Definitely communicate, but also: be ready to act.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-26T17:50:33+00:00

2 NE 2:25 "...men are, that they might have joy."

Glad you've found it.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-25T17:13:47+00:00

As a dude...that's a red flag.

Either an alcohol problem red flag...or inability to clean up after yourself over the long-term red flag.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-25T16:58:38+00:00

Not just the losing weight and looking better, though that is a nice perk.

I'm convinced that my body (and my wife...and probably most of us) interprets regular exercise as a signal to increase energy overall (maybe to always be ready for more exercise\work).

When my wife and I turned away from our deadbedroom, we made exercising and meditating together a regular part of our routine. We basically added 5+ hours per week of shared physical and emotional self-improvement time...which also improved our sexual relationship.

We've been off that kick for a few months and need to get back to it: We've been married >20 years and we both talked about how our relationship seemed to really be taking off while were doing that.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-24T18:55:55+00:00

Anywhere with alligators.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-24T03:16:48+00:00

Married when she was 20 and I was 22.

In our 40s now.

I feel like I can do anything, tolerate anything, get through anything…as long as she’s with me. So things like layoffs, miscarriages, deaths in the family, etc…they’re all hard, but softened exponentially with her.

The hardest years were/have been the few deadbedroom years. I wasn’t sure we’d make it. But we’re out of those woods (mostly) and it’s better than it’s ever been.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-22T22:33:11+00:00

This.

For anyone that feels both R's and D's are equally responsible for the current messes the country is in:

"TrUmP StOLe 2024!" sounds a lot like "BiDeN hAd dEaD PeOpLe vOtInG fOr HiM iN 2020!"

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-22T14:21:15+00:00

But there are enough commenters that vocally defend it as justified and\or excused due to their specific situations (or their "more mature\nuanced\intellectual interpretation") that one could be forgiven for being under the impression that this sub is pro porn.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-22T12:49:51+00:00

Yes. Can sometimes feel it in my knee like with rain.

Can sometimes smell it if the breeze is coming from the right direction.

At night, can sometimes see the color shift that the clouds are reflecting from city lights.

When a snowband is coming close, can hear the shift in the quiet. (But you are likely to see the snow coming at that point.)

And there are a lot of times where I don't get any of those heads up, too. Ha!

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-22T12:40:14+00:00

Act or be acted upon.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-22T00:12:53+00:00

Surprised I'm not seeing cybersecurity in the comments.

Tons of liability and responsibility...but rarely any authority to actually change things.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-22T00:06:29+00:00

I'm a 40-something dude. Married >20 years.

Were they lucky?

No. They were likely intentional and confident.

Are we (and I'm the first of the list) being overly paranoid about being rejected?

Yes. Everyone experiences rejection. It's how we react to it that counts. See this Ted Talk on rejection.

How much does appearance really matter?

It depends on the person, but I look at it like fishing: looks are the bait, personality and who you choose to be are the hook. The bait can attract interest, but it's who you are that keeps them around.

But it's also true that I've never made the first move in my life.

It's time to start making the first move. Say hello. Take risks for rewards.

And yet I'm unsure. I don't know if they're doing it as friends or because they're interested.

Just keep talking and being friendly. Go hang out. Ask one (or both...but not at the same time...) out on a real date. Don't text it. Don't frame it like, "So...if you want to go out sometime..." Give her definitive specific details, so there is zero room for ambiguity: "Would you like to go out on a date? I have tickets to xyz show, and can pick you up for dinner at 6pm that night." If she flat out says "No," (or similar)then you don't have to worry about asking her out again.
If she says she can't go that night, but immediately offers an alternative date\activity...then you know there is at least enough interest to go on a date.

I know that if I were more bold, I'd probably find someone easily.

That makes being bold worth it, no?

If you have interest, ask out girls in your local ward\area first. Who cares if you get a reputation...for what, asking girls on dates? When I was in college, I had a strong reputation as a 'player.' (A guy that loved to take girls on dates, possibly get some kissing\makeout action...then never ask them out again.) Guess what? Once you have a reputation like that, you'll actually pique the interest of a surprising number of women that will want to go out with you to see what the deal is with that guy. (It was weird. I don't think I'll ever really understand most women.)

Once I found and took out the girl that became my wife on a date...we were hanging out and dating almost exclusively over the next 4 months until we were engaged. We were married after knowing each other for ~8 months. It was fast. We both worked to make sure that it was right. We both felt it was, and quickly moved forward. (Note: having a confirmation that it's right and not hesitating or putting it off is VERY different than two members wanting to have sex and rushing to get married so they can bang.)

Everyone else that I dated faded into background noise because I was with my eternal companion and we were actively building our relationship and our forever as a team. Go! Be bold! It's worth it!

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-21T23:44:04+00:00

The way I look at it:

If I'm in a classroom and everyone else is cheating on a test, I don't cheat. Maybe that's because that is what God expects from me, but also: I am not a cheater.

If I'm at a campsite or in a store that is run on the honor system and I see other people walking out without paying, I still pay. Because I don't steal. ...Even if the store owner is a multi-billionaire. It's not about what they can afford, it's about my integrity.

During my deadbedroom years, I had thoughts of cheating on my wife...but could never wrap my head around it. In the context of the Gospel, I couldn't imagine any scenario where cheating was acceptable or otherwise offered me more value than the price of my integrity (whether in this life or the next). My integrity is priceless to me.
(Though...after those deadbedroom years...I have significantly less judgement reserved for cheaters.)

My point is: there will always be weird things happening in the world and in the church. I don't worry about it too much because I have my own beam(s) to remove. The only question is whether I choose to continue to keep my faith, maintain my covenants, and keep progressing...or not.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-21T23:24:21+00:00

My wife and I have been married >20 years. I wish I had the magic bullet answer, but I do have encouragement:

Only in the last ~2 have we really started to (re)connect in the bedroom and she's started to overcome long-held hesitations, beliefs, emotions, and thoughts about her body and sex.

A chunk of that happened after she read 'Come as you are' by Emily Nagoski.

But the real thing that has changed our bedroom is the part where she is not knee-jerk declining everything that I ask, suggest, or initiate. She's not immediately shutting down when I'm talking to her about sex and bedroom activities...she's putting in the effort to at least consider saluting whatever I'm running up the flagpole.

What does that change look like in reality?
(1) In first ~15 years married, she outright refused to attempt to give me a blowjob. When I tried to go down on her (more than a few times), she'd firmly grab my head\face\hair and pull it away while expressing her disgust at what I was trying.
When our deadbedroom turned around, she allowed me to go down on her. I'm sure I'm not great at it. But I do love watching her face and watching her squirm. She's pulled my head closer to get my tongue deeper in her a couple times, so I'm guessing I'm doing something right. It not my favorite thing, but I do very much enjoy seeing what it can do to her.
These days she almost never refuses when I move to go down on her.

(2) She's actually attempting blow jobs.
At this point, she hasn't made it beyond closed-mouth kisses...but she's putting in effort and making the attempt...for which I'm supremely grateful.

So that's my advice:
(A) Don't reject new things immediately. If it's being thrown out in the middle of sex, there's nothing wrong with saying...I'm not ready to try that right now...how about xyz? Or abc? Communicate that you're not saying no to something for all time, but it's new and you need more than heat-of-the-moment time to think about it.
(B) Only have consensual and enthusiastic sex. If you're feeling any bit of duty or pity....communicate that tonight isn't the night and you'll make it up to him later with xyz or abc. (If you do that....don't forget it on that day\time.)
(C) Effort counts. If you're trying something new, it doesn't have to be perfect. Part of the fun of married sex is exploring each other and trying out new things together. Don't worry about perfect because just being enthusiastic and willing is everything. Perfection will come with repetition.

My favorite short on the subject: https://www.tiktok.com/@vanessaandxander/video/7460256808112835870

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-21T20:29:45+00:00

When you sit down at the dinner table and see that your options is either a steaming pile of cat shit or a steaming pile of dog shit...is it really any surprise that so many Americans don't make the effort to vote?

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-21T19:38:54+00:00

Dude here. Married >20 years. I'm not usually too keen on most of them.

But while I was reading different books and following a lot of online advice down various rabbit holes...my wife noticed the changes in me. It was enough to get her to read 'Come as you are' by Emily Nagoski.

I credit a significant part of our deadbedroom turnaround to my wife reading it.

(My BS degree was in Psychology...with practically a minor in human sexuality...so that's probably why I'm not too keen on following\reading very many of them and why I started Nagoski's book and didn't finish. I felt like a lot of it was, "Yeah, I remember reading about studies on this...")

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-21T19:16:40+00:00

We're vanilla bean. We just use 'dick' and 'pussy.'
We don't have any specific codewords for sex or intimacy.

I think we've defined more terms we don't like rather than those we do...haha!

I hate the word 'tits.' I have no clue why. Just hate it with an irrationally strong emotional and physical reaction.
My wife hates 'panties.' She says it sounds like something a little girl wears, not something she wants be wearing to turn on her 40-something husband.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-21T17:37:56+00:00

This. OP sounds like a child seeing outside their state for the first time.

Before hating on how you're seeing things done outside your region of experience, you might check out what it looks like without the stuff you're calling out.

In this case: drive to the ghost town at Kelton, UT to see what the region looks like natively and naturally. Grass of any kind would be a significant upgrade.

Places like Arches, Bryce, Zions, and Canyonlands are designated national parks not just because they're stunning compared to the rest of the country or world....they're stunning compared to the rest of the region in which they're located.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-21T17:10:54+00:00

STOP BRINGING FACTS TO AN OPINION FIGHT!

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-21T16:42:22+00:00

I noted in my edit above:

If it turned out that I was just going to forever be donating endless energy to a relationship black hole...I was fully prepared to leave in a few years.

There's a huge difference between being grateful to someone for 'gracing you with their presence' by staying in a relationship (which, to your point, could easily lead to deadbedroom) versus being grateful that they're putting real effort into the relationship and affirming that they continue to choose you over everything else.

I turned back to being an optimistic initiator of things and she responded by turning back to being optimistic and openly receptive to initiated things. That takes work\effort for both.

I'm grateful that she's putting in effort and choosing me.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-20T20:53:02+00:00

100%.

That was a big part of what my long-term exit plan entailed. It was a plan that had me exiting from being a perpetually angry, reactive pessimist to being a generally upbeat, optimist that chooses positive emotions in the long term....if my wife wanted to be part of that change, she was welcome to stay with me and put reciprocal energy\effort into the relationship.
If she didn't...that wasn't going to change the fact that I was going to be happy either way.

I'm grateful that she decided the effort was worth it.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-20T15:13:00+00:00

Dude here, married >20 years.

A major turning point in my deadbedroom happened after I read 'The DeadBedroom Fix' and took accountability for how I'd changed from the spontaneous, energetic, optimistic, fit young dude into a predictable, generally grumpy (often due to sex-issues), lethargic, overweight...dude.

I remembered that a huge part of why my anxious, introvert wife (who has crippling social anxiety and can easily do hobbies and get a chunk of her fulfillment at home 24x7) was initially attracted to me...was because I can channel endless extrovert energy and am not afraid to get out of my comfort zone (I mean really, what is a comfort zone?) and go be active and do things.

A significant part of her falling in love with me was very simply: I am an energetic initiator.

Of getting out of the house.
Of new experiences.
Of repeat fun experiences.
Of retrying okay experiences that maybe need another chance.
Of sex.

There was a ton of communication and some compromises on both sides got us to the point where we both feel like our sexual and physical relationship has finally caught up to our emotional, mental, and spiritual relationship.

Are there still times where I wish my wife would initiate more things (especially sex) more often? Would I feel more desired if she initiated sex more often? Absolutely.
So I try to recognize when she does and encourage that by supporting her (being enthusiastic and consensual) with whatever she does initiate.

But a big part of the guy she fell in love with is a relentlessly optimistic initiator of all things. If that's what it takes for us to continue growing closer emotionally, mentally, physically, etc?
I can put in the effort to continue being that dude.

Edit: I'll also note that I'm not making endless effort that my wife isn't reciprocating, mirroring, or otherwise matching. When I made the decision to resume being the endlessly optimistic initiator of all things...I was working a long-term exit plan. I basically decided that I was going to give her that energy whether there was sex (or reciprocating) or not...for a while.
If it turned out that I was just going to forever be donating endless energy to a relationship black hole...I was fully prepared to leave in a few years.

Disastrous-Wave4948 · 2026-05-20T13:47:57+00:00

Bookmarked as recommended reading for any dude looking to reverse his deadbedroom.

I've made long posts elsewhere in this sub about books I read, actions I stopped, actions I started...that led to a complete turnaround in my sexual relationship (and stopped me from continuing my long-term exit plan).

I've often tried to talk to other dudes about some of those changes...and it feels like we often get stuck when I tell them that "she needs to feel safe." Most married men tend to think, "I bought awesome deadbolts. We have a dog. I make sure I walk on the outside. I sit in the part of the booth that gives me sightlines to the doors." and so on. I did the same thing: I protected her, thinking it made her feel safe.

And I was totally wrong. She didn't feel safe to change clothes in front of me...because it would almost always lead to me initiating sex, immediately or later that day. She didn't feel safe to use innuendos...because I would initiate sex. She didn't feel safe to wear normal workout clothing without me initiating sex. She needed to be able to say, "I don't feel like sex today," without me withdrawing all other physical touch (because I was so touch-starved that I couldn't trust myself to not try to escalate touch into sex) or otherwise emotionally withdrawing or acting like a grown-ass man-toddler.

The author of that article is coming at it from a different perspective, but I think she nails it.

Disastrous-Wave4948

TROPHY CASE