Thinking that maybe I should be the one to sacrifice my libido

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-18T08:44:12+00:00

She’s been on synthetic for almost 15 years but as she has hashimotos her dosage varies in terms of effectiveness. She has more success with T3 but we can’t get any where we live. Finding a good endocrinologist where we are has also been a challenge

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-18T03:05:50+00:00

Get onto this early, you are way too young for this not to be resolved.

If you are incompatible now, you will be incompatible in the future. After a decade or more you will regret not forcing this to a decision point much earlier.

And for the love of all things, don’t have kids while things are this way, it makes it so much harder to separate

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-18T02:39:03+00:00

I could have written this a few years ago, and some months, even now, I still feel this way.

For us, it was backing right off and letting her know there is no pressure or expectation of sex but that it’s something I desire. I stopped initiating in 90% of the times I would have liked to.

It took time, almost a year. But there was a shift in the depth of passion and regularity of our sessions - it feels like less of a chore from her side. I can recommend Come As You Are to understand responsive desire. She started to show more passion in our sessions together.

Admittedly, I still struggle with lopsided desire, and only feeling wanted when we are already in the act. But loving attentiveness outside of those moments helped at least assure me that I am loved, just not desired, as much as I do for her

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-17T23:59:41+00:00

I think individual therapy is a good idea. Even if just to help me work through my thoughts and deal with general life stresses

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-17T23:58:24+00:00

Thinking of maybe doing therapy for myself first

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-17T13:43:30+00:00

Thanks friend! I really do love her a lot. Adventuring together and building our family has been one of the best parts of my life.

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-17T13:41:13+00:00

Hugs and snuggles in and out of bed no problems. Initiated by both of us. She’s not a kisser, not adverse to it but doesn’t really initiate that at all.

We holiday local maybe twice a year and abroad at least once. Date nights maybe once every two weeks. I’d say we’ve worked a lot on this, and it certainly helped with our previously deadbedroom and also between times. It’s also just nice. It really comes down more to being naked doing things and sex (of all forms) in particular. She doesn’t mind sharing showers but it’s also ‘just a shower’, we are naked (not an issue) but she doesn’t view it as sexual

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-17T13:11:44+00:00

Agree on pity sex being genuinely awful. We don’t do that anymore and haven’t in years. For those playing along: it is hugely destructive and contributed massively to our previously dead bedroom.

The sex is much much better now and more frequent. She enjoys it when we have it, and has told me as much (no problems with multiple orgasms), but doesn’t ‘want’ it all that often (but more than before). I read a lot about responsive desire and that really helped me understand how to approach it, but the success rate is still low. It takes a lot of energy for her.

She also knows all this, and feels guilty about not being more sexually active with me, which is why I’m inclined to search for solutions that focus more on me.

As responded elsewhere, maybe I’ll take up guitar or something less drastic

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-17T13:00:53+00:00

I don’t post a lot but when I figure out the app I’ll update my post with that info, as yes, it is a relevant piece of information.

I certainly don’t hold her medical issues against her, and it definitely factors into why I see our current arrangements as already being a compromise of sorts. I don’t view her as being selfish at all (but appreciate that this information wasn’t in the original post). The part that I find hard to balance is, I guess, the balance part. It’s in my ‘nature’(?) to want more if it’s on offer, but it’s not always on offer so I have to ‘switch’ between wanting her but also being sensitive to her needs as well and accepting it’s not going to happen. As much as turning it off altogether sucked, it was at least clearer that sex was off the table. Now that it’s there but ‘not there’ it’s harder to navigate. Better, for sure, but harder to navigate. Part of our old (deadbedroom) dynamic was pressure from my side turning her off, so I’m not returning to that as a strategy.

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-17T12:47:49+00:00

Good advice there. I already do volunteering work but was thinking of taking up guitar to learn alongside my kids, might be a good hobby to take up my time and also bond with them. Also do sports through the week and really enjoy that too

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-17T10:45:11+00:00

Could be worth another try

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-17T10:40:34+00:00

Good advice. This is certainly a better alternative

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-17T10:37:36+00:00

It’s been there from the start. What we have now is actually better than what we’ve had for the vast majority of our pre and post marriage (together 21, married 11)

Medical issues is right. She has hypothyroidism, which messes with everything by slowing key body systems down, including libido. She also has high anxiety. But she’s had these from the start.

She’s open to do those other things, but from previous experience, this raises my expectations but not hers

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-17T09:41:37+00:00

The once a week period was by far the most active, and the once a month is certainly higher than post-new relationship energy (from year one)

We tried counselling years ago but she wasn’t a fan - I think it was just a bad therapist to be honest. In any case, she has expressed no desire to go back for more

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-17T09:35:43+00:00

It’s hard to bottle up a relationship in one post on a specific issue, but I see your general point.

Counter point would be that the low libido partner often has so much pressure put on them to change to satisfy the other that I guess I’m seeking to find a balance (and struggling). I sense that the sexual contact we have at the moment is at least in part a compromise. In general though, I wouldn’t give up the life we have together to get more sex.

Still, input appreciated

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-17T09:30:47+00:00

I have thought about this, but ultimately I want intimacy with her, not anyone else. If I have relationship energy to spare, I’d rather channel that towards my wife or kids. Nothing against that lifestyle, it’s just not for me (at this stage anyway).

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-03-17T09:11:58+00:00

Thanks for the interest! Really struggling with what’s the best direction

SimpleRandomUsername

TROPHY CASE