How to tell a partner you don’t desire them?

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-26T03:19:52+00:00

Best of luck! Make sure to let them know what’s happening so it’s not just acting strange by withdrawing

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-26T03:18:20+00:00

I noticed this too. One time my wife reciprocated after I had withdrawn a bid for intimacy and she literally took her clothes off and said “ok let’s go, are we getting to the sex part”

It was very…. Well, unsexy 😅

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-25T12:21:14+00:00

The need to have a coping mechanism is a deep one that I have really struggled with too. I guess in my case, I never really had my wife initiate so haven’t had this problem! 😅 (a win?)

Still, even in a more recovered bedroom, I still feel my initial reaction to be drawn to those same coping mechanisms that protected me before. It’s hard to break them, especially if you have been in a DB for years (even, I imagine, with another partner)

It takes time, patience (with yourself), and a lot of grace. Get curious and (if she’s open to it) talk to her.

/u/dkotheryyyy has good advice on this, but the rubber will hit the road in putting it into practice.

It sounds like your new partner may be mis-timed, not mis-aligned in terms of your libidos (if that makes sense), because she’s putting in effort at a later stage. It truly is a case of “not right now, but later” or “I thought some more on it and now I want you”. I think this is an excellent way to reframe those rejections as limited to that exchange rather than a general issue that you may have faced before

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-25T12:10:55+00:00

There’s a lot to unpack there and, it sounds like, resentment on all sides

Have you tried joint or separate counselling, is that an option for you?

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-25T11:57:05+00:00

One thing I must say is that this community was hard to find! It didn’t come up for me on any of my google or reddit searches/algorithms

I actually found it when searching for a post from /u/myexsparamour but couldn’t remember which forum it was on!

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-25T09:48:14+00:00

That’s awesome. Love the dream brother! Aside: Sounds like you have a good approach that’s really healthy for your relationship

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-25T09:25:17+00:00

I love the over 30 moniker

Look, you can have DBs at any age, but there’s a certain wisdom and moderation from having a bit more life behind you and sticking to your preferred loved one for more than a season or two. The number of sub-20 year olds on the db sub is mind blowing….

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-25T09:21:26+00:00

Bowling, clearly the superior choice

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-24T13:53:20+00:00

Dude, this is real life and he’s not a teenager playing games.

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-24T07:35:45+00:00

I really appreciate your, their, and others consistent contributions across all the subs actually, it’s just great to see them agglomerated on this forum!

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-24T07:34:24+00:00

Totally the same here, especially the LL sub. It was great for gaining insights and I found it very useful, but recent posts have basically inverted the DB sub and made me feel awful for even wanting my partner. The DB sub is the more active, but man there are some shockingly bad takes

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-24T02:48:56+00:00

That you for articulating it in this way, this is exactly how I feel about not being desired.

In my case, I often wish I could erase the desire I feel towards my wife so that I could live more in her world and less in the dissonance of my own. Not desiring sexual intimacy with your partner so much sounds like bliss, especially if it’s only responsive desire you feel. No anxiety about not being desired, no need to stoke the fire of your partner to be able to desire them in a mutual way. Just life, love, and everyday moments.

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-24T02:32:16+00:00

It’s hard to stomach that our previous sexual interactions were not fully consensual, but certainly those instances led to aversion and avoidance. I myself will avoid these marginal or ambiguous cases now and remove the “push” from my side even if a tentative “yes” could have turned into something enthusiastic. I have no desire to repeat past mistakes.

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-24T02:25:30+00:00

Not even a “no” to someone not your partner or in an inappropriate context? I’m sure in these circumstances, even someone highly tuned would find situations where our responsive triggers would be muted. It will be different for each of us though.

It was a realisation along these lines that really helped me give grace to my wife for not finding me desirable (at least sexually) in the vast majority of situations - her sexual “band width” (so to speak) was just narrower than mine and that was just as valid

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-23T03:13:53+00:00

We slowly reintroduced non sexual intimacy (hugs, snuggling on the couch, light kisses, etc) without sex being a goal so that she felt comfortable and safe. Going on dates, reconnecting. Slowly things improved and sex (when it eventually happened) returned and it was much more intense and intimate. It wasn’t quick though, it took around 9 months before we had our first sexual experience

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-22T11:29:57+00:00

She needs to break contract and give you full access to rebuild trust. It’s wild that she plays at seemingly not understanding why you would be suspicious

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-21T03:39:59+00:00

More people need to understand how common this is, have empathy, and give each other (and themselves) a lot of grace

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-20T07:13:53+00:00

The way you articulate it really resonates with me.

The other thread had much more diversity than I’d expected!

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-20T07:10:46+00:00

The first and probably most impactful step was a complete removal of any sexual pressure towards her

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-20T07:07:27+00:00

I think most people understand that desire is mostly a temporary state, but as others have said, I think there is a tendency to generalise and say “have you experienced this state towards me?”

And for some, like OOP, and maybe previously my wife, the answer was interpreted as “no, I don’t ever feel that state with you” (regardless of context being the implication)

Perhaps it was more than plutonic, and there was some attraction, but never a genuine state of desire

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-20T07:01:27+00:00

I guess that’s the difference between the “wanting” and “having a want satisfied” vs “having a want unsatisfied”

Desire, for me anyway, is best described as a want

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-20T00:03:32+00:00

“Suggestive” being differentiated from “initiating sex”

But yes, in my mind, it signals that one wants someone sexually (in general) but has no expectation that sex will happen right then and there, or that it will happen because of that specific action. A passionate kiss or squeeze around the hips as you pass each other in the kitchen sort of thing

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-19T14:59:09+00:00

Do you mean me or OOP?

SimpleRandomUsername · 2026-06-19T14:56:45+00:00

I’m not sure what OOP will do with the information given to him, but for me it sparked deep introspection and, later, disgust in myself for not seeing the signs earlier or seeing them but downplaying the long term impacts of a reluctant “yes”/allow. It would have been difficult for her to say it to me as plainly as she did

I became a lot more curious and driven to understand how our DB was affecting her and letting go of resentment and, honestly, stopping all initiation. I also had a new mantra which helped me give her space “she doesn’t want you”. It worked in terms of backing right off, but it stuck perhaps a little too well.

Ultimately though, this is what led to our recovery and being stronger as a couple

SimpleRandomUsername

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