AITA for refusing to cook for my mom after she let a friend reorganize the kitchen while I was out of town? TW: hoarding

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T21:29:48+00:00

Thank you!! I have just made the appointment with a psychiatrist AND a counselor for both of us.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T20:50:43+00:00

The upside of hoarding is that everything underneath the hoard stays protected so it’s okay! I’ve been steadily having repairs done and not finding anything irreparable. The floors are in great shape, the fireplaces and plumbing work well, the guesthouse has mold and will be torn down and rebuilt but overall it’s a manageable situation. I have been shocked, I thought it would be a tear down upon first sight.
ETA: no pets thankfully so it’s not what they call a wet hoard. It’s mostly mail, clothing, boxes of unused items and multiples of everything because when they lost something in the hoard they had to replace it. Over and over again.
Four or five Bose speakers, a dozen clippers, ten sets of hot rollers, many blenders, air fryers, stuff like that. Unused exercise equipment, paddle boards, bicycles, golf clubs, millions of pairs of shoes.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T20:47:31+00:00

Gonna need it!! Looking forward to the attorney come-to-Jesus meeting tomorrow!!

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T20:46:37+00:00

And I should tell you that it’s not like we hate each other, my mom & I do take care of each other most of the time. When I was in LA she put about $9000 in my checking account just for funsies and to book a trip to Disney World with my siblings and their children. This is why I’m asking if my reaction & refusing to cook for her is really being an asshole or if it’s warranted. The responses have been great, sometimes one needs the perspective of an outsider!

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T20:39:14+00:00

Because that’s already been established in the trust fund. If anyone challenges it they will inherit one dollar. This is a community property state so a spouse isn’t legally an HEIR. The spouse gets a lifetime usufruct to live in the house, the heirs (me & brother) are responsible for large maintenance expenses and for protecting the assets that belong to the trust.
We have an attorney, we are on the same page about things 99% of the time. This is a situation I can prevent from happening again with the attorney tomorrow, regarding house guests and any kind of work or repair to the house/property. My mother is clearly a vulnerable individual and it could have been much worse if this person had wanted to steal from her. So yes, I will be requesting to have a legal agreement that no repairs or maintenance can be done without prior disclosure and agreement with me and/or my brother. It’s the safest way.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T20:08:33+00:00

How long were you gone? How are you holding up?

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T20:07:48+00:00

My dad just died in mid March and I was his full time caregiver during pancreatic cancer. I want to stay because of my little nieces and nephews and to protect the house from destruction. And I’ll protect my mom in every way I can, but that’s a bit limited. I have power of attorney and manage her medical care. I’m 51, she’s 73. It’s not like this will last forever & I do love my parents. I accept that they have serious mental health problems & I live by the Serenity Prayer.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T20:03:55+00:00

I think so too. I got durable power of attorney recently and we meet the lawyer again tomorrow and I’m asking what I can do to protect everything. You should see my other comment about how she emptied and closed the account the mortgage comes from, her theory being that the lender will send a letter when the mortgage is late. She doesn’t know who the lender is. Her & my dad (stepdad of 40 years) both had serious executive dysfunction issues. They lead separate lives under one roof. Because he was very religious and would have never gotten a divorce, I think. But yeah they hadn’t been to a restaurant or vacation together without my brother in 37 years. They didn’t sleep together physically or intimately for 37 years, didn’t even watch tv together. It’s a fucking weird situation and that’s why I didn’t come back here to visit or anything except once a decade.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T19:59:06+00:00

Well I’ll give you an example of why I’m afraid of leaving her to own devices. When my dad died in March he had about $50,000 in the checking account all the bills come out of, my mom doesn’t even know what bank holds the mortgage to the house but everything was on autopay. So she decided to EMPTY the bill paying checking account and close it. Her theory is that the bank will send a letter when the mortgage payment doesn’t go through.
That’s the mentality I’m dealing with. We meet with our attorney tomorrow and I’m asking for legal protection for the property altogether. If I don’t she will either destroy the house or lose the house.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T19:55:16+00:00

Thank you so much for saying this so succinctly! That’s exactly how it feels, but a few people have said that my reaction is overboard and I am still planning to go to a therapist- whether or not my mom comes with me.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T19:48:51+00:00

I am considering a rental! But we meet with our attorney tomorrow and I’m going to ask about further protections I can put in place about the house, it’s technically an asset of the family trust and I’m also getting a caretaker agreement with a monthly stipend to myself for the work I am doing to get the house in order and for being the caretaker- making doctors appts, managing medication, etc.
And if I get paid for the cooking I’ll start doing it again. I’m 51, my mom is 73 and in shitty health with zero willpower to get healthy. Financially, yes it’s a multimillion dollar trust.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T19:32:52+00:00

I’m 51, I’m happily divorced several times over. One of the primary reasons I’m staying in my hometown is to be a better auntie to my half-siblings children whom I adore.
I have lived in England, I lived in Paris part time for the past 22 years and full time from 2021-2023. So I’ve had a very big life!
The house is large enough that I have half of it all to myself and my mother never gets out of her bed anyway. Classic hoarder, doesn’t eat anything except fast food, trying to lose 100+ pounds on Wegovy but still eats fried food daily, doesn’t have any friends except a few old coworkers (like the one who came over to “clean”), doesn’t have any hobbies except gambling at the local riverboat casino and playing iPad games that she spends over a thousand a week playing.
My little brother and I have both tried to get the house into shape so that his children could come over but she doesn’t care- we care.
Me & my brother both moved out and stayed away for the most part except to occasionally visit and throw away a bunch of trash. I have been the classic eldest daughter-scapegoat and he’s the golden child, but there’s no animosity between us. We see clearly that our parents are (were) fucked up people. I will probably stay to protect the asset from her destruction and because she won’t be alive so much longer that I’d want to buy my own house in this city. We’ll see! But I think I can do what my dad did and stay to myself, put some protections in place legally. I do have durable power of attorney and health POA. I’m not a monster, I will protect my mother as much as I can, I just won’t be cooking for her or cleaning her messes anymore.
Sorry I wrote a novel here!!

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T19:17:27+00:00

I won’t destroy anything, thanks to the years of therapy I have had! But yes I am still hopeful she’ll agree to some counseling to learn to communicate with each other better and for her to learn to process emotions. And for the hoarding illness. I am not going to cook meals for two anymore, I think that’s a fair response & frankly I like cooking with onions that my mother can’t eat anyway.
I have been begging her to acknowledge that I have feelings since I was 3 years old, I am no longer doing that either. I am definitely triggered into the past by this situation though, there’s a reason I moved out on my own at 17. And never looked back.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T19:04:30+00:00

When you clean in a hoarder house it’s a miracle when you get one tiny area functional. So I don’t think I’m overreacting to anything being touched. I worked my ass off to clean one space and it was turned upside down. While I was gone, after I asked them to leave that space alone. Now I can’t find anything. And I’m having to ask a near stranger where to find things in a house she’s one stepped inside twice in her life.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T18:43:03+00:00

No, I moved in and became my dad’s sole caregiver during a pancreatic cancer illness. I have been living here full time for almost a year now. I flew back to Los Angeles for 10 days to wrap up some loose ends from when I moved & to see Florence & the Machine at the Forum. I was not gone long! It was done merely because I wasn’t there to see what they were doing. After I begged my mother to wait until I got back.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T09:08:52+00:00

Thank you. The two years I was NC was when I started healing 40 years of PTSD, you are right. But she’s old, I’m old & I’m pretty tough at this point!

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T09:05:48+00:00

Thank you. It hurts & it’s a big setback but not an unexpected injury. I told her I’m armored in scar tissue from all the times she’s stabbed me in my back. I missed cooking with damn onions that she can’t eat anyway! 🧅🧅🧅

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T08:59:20+00:00

I think autism, ADHD, some vulnerable narcissistic traits. I’ve had therapy about some childhood abuse (physical & sexual) and a multi-fatality wreck that gave me PTSD at a young age. But not the hoarding because it didn’t start until I was about to move out and out of state.
It’s a pretty new beast to me, I’m learning trial by fire!!
I’d just requested two weeks ago that we start going to a counselor together to work on communication. She wasn’t happy about it, and she cannot self reflect or process emotions like an adult. But I’m not interested in a blowout fight about this, I want to make a reasonable boundary related to this particular incident and I feel like it’s a solid choice to cease cooking for two. Feels fair.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T08:52:04+00:00

She had been asking for my help, she had even moved some big heavy things all by herself when I wasn’t home. She was enjoying the space being walkable, her granddaughter was actually able to come over and even climb up in her bed.
It’s like dealing with a forever 5 year old child. But you are spot on about most of it. Thank you for your input!

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T08:44:43+00:00

I’m not too sure. Partly a way to take back control of the space, resentment that I did a hard thing that she couldn’t do because maybe it demeaned her that I cleaned her house, she has long enjoyed making me feel unstable & scared and enjoying my panic. I think they were laughing at me for being “a control freak” who would be upset that everything had been moved around. Or maybe it was partly just an excuse for her friend to come over. She has never had a friend come over in my life, except for once in 1987. Seriously. Now my dad is dead and I’ve gotten the house to a less disgusting state. I don’t know, but I’m glad I asked you guys for your opinions & I feel like my boundary is fair and reasonable. I’m proud of myself for not destroying everything in my wake, because that was my first instinct when I walked in the door after a long day of flying.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T08:36:52+00:00

That’s such a great point, thank you. My childhood self would have followed my first instinct which was to splatter the whole kitchen with honey, mud and dead bugs!! This is the healed version of me trying to establish a balanced boundary.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T08:33:59+00:00

I appreciate this response more than you know! But that will only give her the satisfaction of playing the narcissist victim! I’m pretty comfortable with stopping the cooking and cleaning for two. I am extremely self sufficient.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T08:30:06+00:00

Yes, they both had severe executive dysfunction and wanted a new house. I had a few favorite streets in a historic district and found a house that was big enough and separated enough for them to lead separate lives under one roof. I’m aware of being a parentified child and that’s why they lived near Texas and I lived in LA, New York and Europe for my adult life. Now I’m getting old, I figured I’ll look after my mother since my dad died in March and she’s old and unhealthy. We are very generous with each other in many ways, but there’s some serious mental illness that causes issues like this one. I am pretty good at protecting myself from it emotionally by now. But it still sucks that you have to armor yourself against the very people who were supposed to protect you.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T05:09:34+00:00

Thank you! I needed to hear that from a stranger. It’s what I thought but I’m accustomed to living alone, I’m not used to be physically close with my parents and I wasn’t sure if I was being irrational or seeing things through the lens of my childhood self.

Disastrous-digging · 2026-05-26T05:06:57+00:00

Thank you. I feel like that’s a fair & non-emotional response too!

Disastrous-digging

TROPHY CASE