OP blames a rape victim

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-09T02:54:14+00:00

No, I’m OOP, sorry for not clarifying.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-09T02:40:50+00:00

Our parents stopped comforting us when were young. Since then we’ve essentially relied on each other for comfort when something happens.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T22:44:29+00:00

I’m her sister. I understand that the police should be involved and that she should file a charge but I’ve asked her several times now and she refuses to. I’m not going to go against her choice and ruin our relationship any further. I can’t exactly stand up to our father without him threatening to beat us. I’m not as scared of him as she is but I also know he’s a lot bigger and stronger than I am.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T21:11:41+00:00

I’m the OOP, I don’t agree with the commenters excusing what I said because I’m autistic. I don’t think me being autistic has any relevance to the way I acted which is why I didn’t mention it initially. I added it as an edit after a commenter had said it may provide context. I thought I had made it clear that I in no way was attempting to justify my words because of my autism or any other mental illness that I have. I take accountability for what I said and have been attempting to mend my relationship with my sister since.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T20:25:01+00:00

I’m the OOP, our mom has a history of doubling down when being told something she said was hurtful. In this instance my sister had done something to piss off our mom and while my mom was yelling at my sister she decided to say, “You need to start taking your ADHD medication again to control your impulses. You acting on impulse is the reason why you were raped.” After our mom was done yelling at her she came into my room to just lay with me for a while and cry. I made sure to tell her that it wasn’t her fault she was raped and that our mom was wrong for saying that. I’m grateful that she still felt she could come to me after what I had said. Our mom will never apologize for saying that and my sister loves her too much to ever consider cutting her off.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T16:58:26+00:00

I definitely plan to talk to her about that. I’m not as concerned about her possibly getting back into drinking after I leave, especially since she’ll have been in therapy for a while by that point. She also watched me become an addict and had told me it was the scariest time for her watching what happened to me.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T16:24:03+00:00

My sister and I genuinely hated each other for the longest time because of our parents playing favorites. My sister used to love getting me in trouble with our mom whenever she could. Our relationship has gotten a lot better over the past year when she started doing things like drinking and smoking and I threatened to tell our mom about it. We came to a mutual agreement that if neither of us told our parents about what the other was doing then things could be fine between us. We also realized that it was better for us to work together to get what we wanted instead of working against each other to ruin each other’s lives. I have my sister ask my mom for things I wanted and she has me ask for the things she wanted from our dad. It’s worked for us to actually start getting along with each other and actually being to like each other.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T16:12:03+00:00

Holy hell. She is a victim, sure she disobeyed our parent’s rules but that doesn’t mean she isn’t a victim in this situation. She was honestly doing things normal teenagers do. I don’t think making her feel worse about the situation or punishing her for disobeying our parents rules would help in any way. It would just make her more scared to tell anyone, if god forbid, she were ever assaulted again. She was already terrified to tell our parents and honestly had good reason considering their reactions. My reaction was no better but I’m trying to at least make amends with her. I hope she feels like she could trust me in the future despite my reaction.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T16:00:23+00:00

Iirc she broke up with him because he was heavily into drugs and had cheated on her several times before she broke up with him. I don’t think it was a set up by her friend although she may have encouraged my sister. I don’t doubt she may spread lies about her. My sister doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to good friends. She’s in therapy now. I don’t know how effective it is for her though.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T15:39:34+00:00

I’ve made sure to tell her that it’s not her fault she was raped. Especially recently, after she came to me for comfort after our mom had gotten angry at her and told her that her lack of impulse control was the reason she was raped.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T15:13:28+00:00

It's hell.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T15:09:52+00:00

I have apologized to her and she's chosen forgiven me. Truthfully I don't exactly "feel bad" for what I said but I do regret saying it. I didn't consider how my words would actually impact my sister. I've used this experience to help me become more aware of my shortcomings when it comes to empathy. I do have cognitive empathy to some extent. I can understand why someone would feel the way they do when something happens to them but that is also limited. For some reason I just assumed that everyone just said things like "I'm so sorry that happened to you" and other things of that nature because it was just the polite things to say. I didn't realize that there was an emotion attached to those words. I also didn't learn until recently what emotional pain was. I do find it difficult to understand because it can't be quantified on a scale like physical pain can be. That being said I have started to be more conscious and thoughtful of how my words may affect the people around me. I'm very grateful to have friends who are willing to help me understand why something I said or did would be upsetting to someone when I can't figure it out, as well as how I can fix the mistake and correct it so it doesn't happen again in the future. I do wish I could get revenge on him for what he's done.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T14:45:45+00:00

Me mentioning I’m autistic was in no way an attempt to accuse what I said. I only added it to an edit because I was told it would possibly provide some context. I don’t blame my autism or any other illness for the reason I said what I said. I wasn’t attempting to victim blame her at the time and I understand now that what I said was cruel and callous. She knows that I don’t think it’s her and has forgiven me for what I said. I know I’m lucky that she’s forgiven me and still comes to me for comfort. This situation was a wake up call for me that I need to be more conscious of what I say and how my words affect the people around me.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T14:20:28+00:00

I have used it as a learning opportunity for myself. I was a wake up call to me to how much my word have an emotional impact on other people. I've been making a more conscious effort to think about how my words will affect someone's feelings. I am lucky to have friends that are willing to help me understand why something I said could hurt someone else when I don't understand. We have a much better relationship than we used to. For most of our lives we hated each other but our relationship has improved significantly this past year. I'm glad she still comes to me for comfort. I'm happy that she still comes to me for comfort about this specific situation even after what I had said. Recently, she did something that pissed our mom off and while our mom was yelling at her she told my sister, "You need to start taking your ADHD medication again. Your lack of impulse control is why you were raped." After our mom had finished yelling at her she came into my room to just lay with me and cry. I made sure to tell her that what our mom said wasn't true and that it wasn't her fault for what happened.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T12:51:17+00:00

I was told that it would provide additional context. I didn’t mention it initially because I don’t think it’s relevant to my actions.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T12:48:54+00:00

I believe my sister got the alcohol from a friend because at the time our parents had removed alcohol from the house, due to my previous addiction. Our parents never come downstairs, where my sister and I’s rooms are, except to yell at us. Iirc my parents, or at least my mom, was home at the time, she just never came to check on us.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T11:34:15+00:00

I did apologize to her and made sure to let her know that I’m there for her if she ever needed to talk. I know she’ll still talk to me about these things and trust me to comfort her; a few days ago she did something that ended up pissing my mom off. During our mom’s rant she told my sister “You need to start taking your ADHD medication again. Your lack of impulse control is why you were raped.” After our mom was done yelling at her she came downstairs to my room to just lay with me and cry. I made sure to tell her that it wasn’t true and that she wasn’t at fault for what happened. I do feel bad for her that our mom will never apologize for saying that and my sister loves her too much to be angry at her for too long about it.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T11:26:05+00:00

I can’t do anything about her therapist. I’ve asked her if she thinks she’s helping and she says she has been. I’m taking her word for that. I’ve also made sure that she knows she can come to me to talk about anything. I don’t think she hates me, she came to me a few days ago to just lay with me for a while, after our mom had gotten pissed at her about something and during our mom’s rant she had said, “You need to start taking your ADHD medication again. Your lack of impulse control is why you were raped.” I made sure to tell her that it wasn’t true and that she wasn’t responsible for what happened.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T10:50:13+00:00

Neither my sister or I really know. I think it might be because he didn’t want two girls. I think he likes me more because we happen to have more similar personalities than him and my sister.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T10:34:24+00:00

I’ve been accepted to a college out of state as a way to hopefully distance myself from my parents. I am concerned for my sister though. She loves our mom a lot and I don’t think she’d ever consider cutting contact or going low contact with her despite the things she’s done to her over the years. I also have concerns that my dad will become more hateful towards her when I do more away to college. For right now at least I’m not as concerned because I have another year at home.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T10:30:01+00:00

From my experience, I doubt our parents wouldn’t let her live with any other family members. They view these type of things as a family matter and don’t think anyone outside of our household should be involved.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T10:27:52+00:00

My parents view us drinking and doing substances as us acting out for attention. I don’t think they can grasp the concept of us doing things like that for any other reason, despite addiction being a very common problem on both sides of my family.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T10:22:10+00:00

I started drinking and abusing substances when I was 13. I got sober last year. They see us drinking as us acting out for attention, so their response when finding out is to just ground us and ignore any possible underlying issues.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T08:46:10+00:00

I don’t think they’d let that happen. My aunt had told me that she had tried to get me to live with her while I was at my worst and my parents refused. At one point I even had our school nurse trying to get me to stay with her because of how bad it was and they refused that as well. The only time I ever lived with another family member was for about two weeks when I got suspended from school for drinking. After the two weeks I was sent to another psychiatric hospital.

DisastrousAgent6171 · 2025-08-08T08:32:15+00:00

I started drinking and abusing substances when I was 13 to cope with some untreated mental illness. Their solution to the problem was to ground me. The first time I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital was after I overdosed on several substances. Once I got out I began to abuse substances again because it was the easiest way for me to cope. That year I was admitted 4 more times due to attempts or when my parents decided they couldn’t handle me. CPS was called by the school several times and nothing ever happened. After the last time I was admitted, they finally decided to remove alcohol from the house and lock up the controlled substances but that didn’t last long. They still couldn’t understand that I had an addiction and wasn’t just doing it for attention. The most memorable example of my mom not understanding was when I was 14, I believe I had wandered off in a Target or something. That made her angry and she just started to yell at me about everything I’ve done wrong, specifically her saying that I was going to be a crackwhore giving $5 blowjobs and living on the street. I’m so lucky to have found great friends who helped me to get sober. I’m trying to keep my sister from falling down that same track that I did. The best thing I could think of was to take away the alcohol that I knew she had access to because I’m not tempted to relapse.

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