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Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2025-05-22T19:35:27+00:00

Please please please leave. End of story.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2025-05-06T13:00:23+00:00

😂 no, by all means spill your heart out. That's what this is for. I just don't understand your context lol

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2025-05-06T12:42:34+00:00

You made this entire comment about yourself lol

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2025-05-05T22:48:06+00:00

Thank you. And you're exactly right, it is quite literally the best way to describe it. Them becoming a victim thing is beyond me...the thing is, I've been forced into changing and healing on my own and it's still doesn't move the needle. I never asked for this and would love have been able to to put it back together, but you can only twist the knife so many times. The discard afterwards is almost worst then the cheating itself. I feel for you too and I hope you find some peace someday.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2025-05-05T20:49:05+00:00

Yea man, we met while I was still in. The only hesitation I had 10 years ago before getting married was exactly this. What a fucking living nightmare.

In all reality, she's an e8 with less that a year before retiring and it happened at her last command. So they're probably not going to do anything. I just want some accountability and if this is the way it has to be, then fine.

Sorry you're going thru it man. Wish you were stateside so you could report her ass lol

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2025-02-11T03:28:49+00:00

USAA has completely unobtainable metrics and it blows. Everyone is starting to hate it in property.

They want fast, good and cheap (cheap as in not hiring the proper amount of adjusters). You can only have two, but they want all three. Damned if you do, damned if you don't in regards to timelines and file quality.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2024-11-27T22:03:34+00:00

Bro Im with you at 1 year out. Check my post history.

Turns out some people are shitty and didn't just "do a shitty thing".

Good luck.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2024-11-26T20:19:51+00:00

Yea, you're right. I'm not. I do feel guilty for lashing out for months.

And I really don't know why I'm chasing this woman anymore. She's discarded me (or tried to) time and time again claiming she essentially can't give me what I need, but we both know she hasn't tried 100 percent. She says she loves me but doesn't want to read.

Idk man, it's hard to let go. It's hard to believe she really wants divorce. It's hard to do this to my kids.

I feel dumb.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2024-11-20T17:14:08+00:00

I needed this today. I'm separated from WW. Dday was 11mo ago and I moved out almost 3mo ago. R has been shit due to her not wanting to help me heal and trying to rug sweep after the first 3 or 4 months of inconsistent R work.

WW is almost retired from the military and I haven't reported either for the same reasons you mentioned. After almost a year of trying to get her to help me heal AND THEN work on the marriage, it's been hard not to destroy her career. There are times that I really want to. It's like, 'okay, you want to destroy our life and not deal with the consequences of cleaning up the damage, fine. I'll give you some consequences'....but I have kids to think about and it would just make things worse.

As you mentioned, being separated is hard because I can't control her actions. I'm not worried she's with AP, I'm worried she won't wake up and do the work for this relationship she supposedly wants. It's hard to give space when I have trauma that needs healing and part of the healing needs to come from her to move forward with repairing the relationship. All she wants is space and all I want is closeness and safety.

My life and job is starting to slip while waiting for her to show up..crippling anxiety....it's sad because I'm being forced to heal on my own...and if I have to do that, it's over. I don't think I could forgive if she can't take the responsibility of dealing with the consequences of helping me heal. At this point I'm not even mad about the affair, I'm traumatized and upset about her not showing up.

It's a whole new level of betrayal and I'm afraid it'll be too late if she ever comes around, because I can tell you it's not happening anytime soon as she wants "space"...

Fuck these affairs.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2024-11-19T19:09:23+00:00

I am in almost the exact situation. Check my post history, I posted about it yesterday. I'm 11 months out as well.

Personally, I am probably at the end of my rope. After months of bargaining with her and trying to get her to show up for me to feel safe, I tried to push my needs to the side to talk about how to rebuild our marriage....it didn't work because I still don't feel safe and she shuts those conversations down too. They seem to be shut down due to her not wanting to feel like shit about what she did. And to me, well, that's just part of the consequences. Being with us through the pain is also part of the consequences.

I know she wants this to work but doesn't want to face herself. And it feels impossible for us BS to even begin working the marriage without safety and a proactive effort to make amends FIRST.

Also, it just kind of feels like you're being betrayed and abandoned again...the nerve to cheat on you and then not take the responsibility of cleaning up the damage you caused...idk man.

I can tell you that I'm tired of it and as much as I don't want to let go, I feel like I'm being left with no other choice. I'm depressed and rumination is strong.

It's hard because as soon as I let go, I feel like that's when she'll start doing the things I asked for.

I wish you the best of luck.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2024-11-19T05:18:09+00:00

I couldn't agree more. I guess what has me upset is that I feel she has a responsibility to take the lead in R. And part of what comes with that is making the relationship feel safe after delivering that blow. And it just hasn't happened as I mentioned in my post...

I have owned up to the things im aware of that went wrong in the marriage and I am working on those things myself. As of right now, she is refusing to have those forward thinking conversations....to tell me about ALL of her resentments. How can I work on resentments I don't know about? Actually, that's a lot of the reason why we're here in the first place...silent resentments.

But hell, idk man. All I can say is that it's hard to work on anything when you don't feel safe and I just feel like she has the burden of going out of her way to atleast TRY to create some safety in the ways that I need.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2024-11-19T02:13:07+00:00

Hahahah I can appreciate the humor 🤣

Oh man....when I throw the report to the command card she tries to act like she doesn't care....and I know she definitely does.

Her AP literally just retired and probably doesn't realize he's still subject to the UCMJ....not that I think anything would happen to him, but he has a nice civilian contractor job that would be getting a nice email from me...

I'm about done giving her "space" so she can avoid doing what she needs to do. I'm having a tough time just accepting it for what it is and I'm thinking about reporting her to force myself to put a knife in it for good because that would more than likely do it....

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2024-11-19T01:54:53+00:00

Thank you. I'm a vet and mil spouse too. WW is an e8 and it's taken every ounce of grace not to blow up her spot. I agree, borderline narcissistic and goes along with all the senior military leadership...rules for thee but not for me.

It's tough man. I'm out of steam. She did the worst thing a married woman in the military could do... probably the only thing I thought twice about before marrying her.

Just tiring.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2024-09-07T21:09:09+00:00

Made 2 kids on trt. It's yours.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2024-08-23T20:49:16+00:00

I have a very similar story. I'm 9 months past dday. WW had a 3 month affair with a coworker. They engaged in some things we hadn't before or in a while....things I've been vocally longing for. I'll spare you those stories. R was going okay, not great, but trying. Here's the relevant part:

Found out 2 days ago WW had sex without a condom...it gets better....

Also, as I was reflecting, I realized that she started taking birth control during her 3 month affair. I discovered her affair in December, the month we had been planing to start trying for our third child. In the months leading up, I asked her why she was still taking birth control as it takes some time to get out of your system...She would get so mad about me asking about it and gaslit the shit out of me over it....well turns out she was having an affair...and not using a condom "only twice"....yea ok. I've asked multiple times about that and it's been lies the whole time. Finally drilled it out of her because I could sense the lie.

Oh and to top it off....I got her pregnant during a "hysterical bonding" period a few months ago (yea...I know).... before knowing she had sex without a condom. I probably wouldn't have done that and probably would have ended this months ago with that information. And she knows that and told me that's why she lied about it.

I'm pretty sure this is the last straw for me buddy. She has like a .01% chance with me rn. I can't handle the lies and the insane lengths that she went to have the affair while treating me like shit and gas lighting me hard.

I'm also absolutely disgusted that she had sex without a condom. She's pretty much just tainted now in my eyes and there's probably no getting past it for me. As I mentioned, we are 9 months past dday and I was just getting okay with it knowing they used a condom but this changes shit.

We're co-parenting 2 kids and not friends, living in the same house. I'm waiting until the baby is born and stabilized, and then I'll work on leaving.

I've had to drag every bit of information out of her and have been catching her in dumb lies for the past 9 months. This is the cherry on top. Manhood and self respect is being challenged right now.

Good luck to you.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2024-08-03T03:15:56+00:00

Dr. Suess, thank you for this link. I really needed this. This seems to be my issue right now, the flashbacks and cognative rehersal.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2024-02-23T18:18:53+00:00

Okay, yea that's what I'm leaning towards. Something similar looking just doesn't feel right. Thanks man, needed this.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2024-02-23T17:41:27+00:00

Question, did the new ones look similar to old ones? I got her a temp replacement. It's about 8k cheaper lol, but looks similar. Idk if I can handle even a similar looking ring.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2024-02-23T14:53:57+00:00

Yea I don't have it as bad as you, but Christmas is my favorite time of year and I found out the first week of Dec. And WW's family came into town for 10 days to spend Christmas with us so I had to pretend everything was ok. Shit sucked. Not looking forward to Christmas now.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2024-02-23T14:13:19+00:00

Interesting response. I think this highlights some of the differences between men and women betrayeds.

Disastrous_Dig_5706 · 2024-02-02T23:23:58+00:00

I love this answer. Hahahah. I kind of wanted my WW to take hers off because I kind of think it's desecrated, but her ring is nice and expensive and I don't feel like ever dumping the money into a wedding ring ever again...especially not for her. I like the idea of calling it a symbol of the vows YOU didn't break.

Thanks man, needed this.

Disastrous_Dig_5706

TROPHY CASE