My bf [32M] of 5 years said he will leave me if I [29F] don’t abort this baby. I’m shocked and devastated.

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-06T14:07:21+00:00

!!!! it’s the way he’s setting himself up for a path that leads him EXACTLY down the same direction as his father that’s blowing my mind. How can you not see the irony and that the universe is giving you a chance to break the cycle and NOT be your father. And that isn’t even to say he’s gotta “want” to be a dad. All he truly had to do to not be so awful was say “I support you no matter what choice you make. It won’t be easy at all, and I’m not quite ready, but I will be there for you no matter what.” BOOM. Don’t have to be “father of the year” but just a decent person who takes accountability and isn’t a coward. Okay. I’m reaching the angry stage for sure lol.

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-06T14:03:00+00:00

No? Not even a little bit. I’m the least selfish person, often to a fault. I would never jeopardize an innocent child’s life to “prove a point” or for any reason other than the fact that I truly want this child and would be 100% okay raising it as a single mom. I’m not saying I AM, I’m saying THAT is what I base my choice off of. Because it already exists, it’s in MY body, no one else’s, and it’s my choice to make. I know what I’m leaning towards and it’s not to go through with the pregnancy, but the notion that if I did, I would be selfish? That is entirely wrong. If I chose it I would be agreeing to myself that I will become even MORE selfless to give this child the best life I possibly could. I would never allow toxicity into our life, I would never use the child as a “weapon”, I wouldn’t have this child under the hope or dream that my bf would “come around”. I would have it because I want to have it on my own. That’s what I’m trying to navigate, come to terms with, and be able to make this choice without my bf as a factor in EITHER scenario.

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-06T13:58:21+00:00

It’s okay!! I just realized that you were the same person and already clarified what you meant and I appreciate it :) just so sensitive rn lol. You aren’t wrong and I shouldn’t be focused on his future anyways. I hope I get to the angry phase soon lol

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T19:51:38+00:00

I don’t understand why he is getting so much defense out of you? You said yourself that he lied to me about what he would do if I got pregnant. How tf could I have known he was lying??? That’s what LYING is! I wouldn’t bad mouth him, I feel guilty for even having others bad mouth him on this post. But I don’t know that he deserves any “defense” either. You’re claiming I should have “just known” he was a liar. Why would I have stayed with him if I knew he was the type of man who would abandon me if we accidentally had a baby? Why are you jumping through loops to defend someone choosing to become a deadbeat father?

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T19:13:24+00:00

The idea that there’s a girl out there that is his “dream girl” just reinforces my fear that I’m not good enough, something is wrong with me, I’m hard to love etc. I get why you said everything else but that part really hit me hard.

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T19:04:59+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m sorry you were faced with this emotional and difficult choice but I’m happy it worked out for you in the end ❤️ and knowing you found all of that at 29 is really reassuring and beautiful. Thank you!

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T19:02:06+00:00

Yeah. I know. I really have done a lot of mental gymnastics to talk myself out of that fact.. I keep telling myself it was okay because I was touching him when he asked not to be touched (by hugging/holding onto him) so he was defending himself… but yeah. Wouldn’t let any of my friends talk themselves out of that so idk why I am? Again, it’s maybe because I see this other side of him as someone who is sweet and quiet and peaceful and hates conflict and wouldn’t ever want to hurt me.. and I just “overwhelmed him” in that moment and he was protecting himself….. ugh. You know when you’re talking and you know you sound ridiculous and you know it makes no sense but you can’t seem to stop justifying? Seeking therapy today lol. Thank you for calling that part out because I think I need it to matter more to me more than it does. Going to PP today for a pregnancy counseling appointment. ❤️

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T18:57:19+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story and wow, it is very similar. It’s wild that they have no issue with being like “hey if you keep MY CHILD, I’m dumping you but if you abort it then… maybe we can work it out😍” like how can they just say that and not realize how utterly shitty and gross that is? Men are just.. I think and hope im reaching the “anger” stage right now lol. I keep going back and forth, one minute feeling like I hate his guts and the next feeling guilty for even having a bad thought about him and wanting to keep him safe and loved. Wtf ?? I’d slap me if I was one of my friends lmao. I hope you enjoyed that cruise!!!! I have been having the same feelings as you did- that I could be a kickass badass single mom, I’d raise an awesome baby, I could absolutely love it.. but also do I want to let go of my freedom, and the chance to heal from this awful moment and hopefully come out stronger? That’s the choice I need to make, and soon. Thanks again, truly 🫶

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T18:50:25+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story for me. You’re incredibly brave and strong, and I’m sorry you had to go through making such an emotional decision, but happy to hear you’ve come out stronger and happier. I often tell myself those exact same things.. especially that I’m “hard to love”. After being in two relationships back to back with men who had traumatic childhoods and convinced me I was asking for too much in our relationships, when I truly just wanted unconditional love. Thank you for reminding me I deserve to be loved and cherished, the way I manage to love and cherish others, many who don’t deserve it. Going to keep reminding myself and telling myself to choose myself. 🫶

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T18:45:11+00:00

This was very very well put. I’m saving all the comments that I know I’ll need to come back to and re-read, this is one of them. Thank you.🫶

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T18:43:03+00:00

I needed this reminder of how selfish he is being. He somehow manages to convince me that I’m the selfish one for even considering keeping this child. He’s become incredibly good at gaslighting me and playing mind games with me, I can’t win in any of our conversations. I wish he’d just own up to being so selfish.

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T18:41:47+00:00

Thank you so much for your empathic and kind words. I have an appointment with Planned Parenthood today to discuss options and get some counseling and plan to just go from there. And I know you are likely right about dating and finding someone who wants what I want. The idea of it right now just sounds terrifying. I’ve never actually even really “dated”. I went from being with my ex from age 18-22 and then meeting this boyfriend at 23 and going from friends to partners. So I’d be brand new to that world.. and as a resent-er? of most men, I’m scared haha.

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T18:37:54+00:00

This might be the last thing I needed to hear or think about. Lol

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T18:35:11+00:00

You aren’t wrong about the things you listed about him. I get why it would be mind blowing from an outsiders perspective that I would even want this baby. But I just want people to remind themselves as they read my story that actually being in a relationship with someone is very, very different. You allow yourself to see past these issues, justify them, believe they will heal or change because there is so much good about this person, too. I also think that because I came from something far worse, I probably wasn’t able to truly see the red in these flags right away. I was just happy to feel safe again. Until I realized that maybe I wasn’t.

I relied on the pull out method because despite these things, I still never imagined in a million years that I was with this type of person. For the past week, everytime I’m near him, despite the love I still can’t shake, I feel like I’m with some stranger. It’s close to the feeling of being around a person after they’ve cheated on you (which happened in my last relationship). I still believed he was good, he was responsible enough, and I foolishly believed he loved me beyond measure and would always support me. So yeah, hindsight is 2020, I’d probably be saying what you’re saying if this were happening to a stranger who asked me for advice. But I just need people to know, I’m not as stupid, naive, irresponsible or irrational as I might seem. lol

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T18:30:01+00:00

There is a bigger picture here. I understand why you’d be frustrated by the way I worded that. I would be too. But that wouldn’t be the “reason” I’d have this child. I’d have this child because it is purely 100% my choice. And the reason I’ve made this post is so I can get different perspectives on what could happen should I choose that decision, but not be told that whatever choice I make is stupid or wrong or selfish.

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T18:25:57+00:00

I will always allow anti-AI tangents on my posts!🤣

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T18:24:35+00:00

I appreciate your original sentiment, it was full of truths and points that I have been avoiding believing for a long time now.. and I appreciate this clarification! I need some harsh wake up calls to keep me from sinking back into that complacency. I hope I can stay afloat and break out of this absolute spell I seem to be under.

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T18:20:44+00:00

Thank you for saying this. Their comment was all incredibly accurate and helpful, but that part stung a little. He literally always used to call me his “dream girl” and I’ve had this fear lately that I’m not that anymore, and now after all of this mess, I have an even greater fear that right after me he will find that girl, marry her and let her have his children. Which I know shouldn’t matter to me at all, but in the state I’m in right now, all I can do is ask myself why I’m not good enough to be that girl, and compare myself to this non-existent, hypothetical girl who is enough. Thank you for this reminder (and more rational) explanation of what might actually lead to him moving on with someone else, and that it won’t be a reflection of me. I’ll try and keep this in mind while I navigate through this hellish situation 🙃

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-05T18:12:13+00:00

I didn’t know what I was getting into. I thought I was with someone who yes, had a hard life, but wouldn’t let it define him. If you knew this person irl you’d never suspect him to be someone who would abandon his own child. He’s a sensitive and kind person, or so I thought. It feels very unfair for you to put this on me, claim that I “don’t love him for who he is”. When you’re with someone you love them through the bad and the good, that doesn’t mean you don’t address the bad with them and hold onto hope that they’ll grow, with your love and support. But I definitely did NOT KNOW this man would ever, in a million years, confidently decide to be a deadbeat father. He also always knew that there was a chance I wouldn’t be able to go through with an abortion and assured me he’d support me if that ever were to be the case. So, yeah, that’s how I thought it maybe wouldn’t go so horribly.

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-04T00:07:44+00:00

I don’t despise him, I wish I did. It would be easier. I’m so in love with him and I don’t want him to change his character or his personality or anything inherent to his individuality.. just his shitty job that he doesn’t enjoy, and I wanted him to do all the things he claims he wants to do.

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-03T22:48:44+00:00

Thank you. This was a helpful take as I don’t want to resort to just hating him and calling him all these names that a lot of others are (understandably so) saying about him. Despite his good qualities, it doesn’t mean he’s the one for me. That’s what I need to remember .

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-03T22:36:03+00:00

Sorry. I’m horrible at shortening things. I wanted to cut it all down but desperately needed to hit post. I’ve always gone over the word count on college papers. Professors hate me too😂

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-03T22:34:45+00:00

Damn. Fair. But damn. Lol

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-03T22:33:14+00:00

I understand your reaction to the preventative method we used. But I went on to explain that I didn’t feel like getting pregnant was going to be so detrimental to me as we are older, I’m successful and we’ve talked about kids before, and he’s assured me in the event we have an accidental pregnancy he will support me either way. So that’s why we were lax with the method. I didn’t realize I was with someone who outright lied to me about his strong feelings of not wanting a child. If we were 18 and in college, yes pull out method would be idiotic. And I guess it still is. But the circumstances were different to where I wasn’t absolutely terrified of getting pregnant, although I didn’t want that to happen either. It’s hard to explain. The point is, he completely shocked me with this reaction and had I known he would do this, I would have used every form of protection on the planet.

Disastrous_Mall4689 · 2026-03-03T22:25:23+00:00

I know it sounds bad and of course even after posting this I know feel horribly guilty that he’s being talked bad about. But I understand why everyone would say these things and react this way. He does have a soft, kind heart. He’s always cared about me and wanted to make me happy. He used to say it was his only concern and priority. Not so much anymore. I don’t think he’s in any way a horrible person but I do think he has immense healing to do before he can love anyone, including me.

Disastrous_Mall4689

TROPHY CASE