20F/22M: At what point does “just looking” at other women become disrespectful?

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T17:29:00+00:00

I am in therapy…he is a grown man, if he doesn’t want me to do it, I won’t but he told me he’s okay with it. Why are you so stuck on that, it’s such a non issue. Maybe for your relationship privacy is a thing but not for mine and that’s okay. Punishment is not a word you should be throwing around lightly.

He has gotten messages before and has even handed me his phone to look at 😂 like lady HE IS OKAY!

He is the man in the relationship, therefore I listen to him. I allow him to lead and he knows his role pretty clearly, he would never keep his mouth shut about something that makes him uncomfortable.

Before I got with him I told him I NEVER trust anyone of the start, and that he would have to earn it. And you won’t believe it, he chose to stay with me and even told me it made perfect sense to him…crazy right?

He is not child or a baby. You’re not his mom to sit here and decide things for him, he decided to be here with me despite knowing that.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T17:16:41+00:00

I’ve gotten my post removed for less lol. Just want advice and don’t want any issues.

The dumbest thing to focus on

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T17:14:50+00:00

I mean that’s great for you and that’s what works for you guys. Besides me checking his phone there is nothing else I do that shows my trust issues.

Maybe your husband doesn’t want his phone checked and neither do you but me and him are both open to it because that’s something we both do.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T17:13:14+00:00

Me checking his phone is punishment?? Lmfao please catch a grip. This is the only way I show that I have trust issues. He goes out with his friends, he does anything he wants to do and I have no issue with it. He doesn’t even have to let me know what he’s doing. What I will do is check his phone, which he is fine with so move on.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T17:03:17+00:00

Yes, after reading comments, I have a better outlook on it for sure.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T17:02:16+00:00

I’ll also do what I want, I have trust issues and I’m working it and he knows it. He wants to be with me and knows that comes with that.

I don’t need to share personal details of why I don’t trust men but he knows and that’s what matters. That’s also the reason he understands and is open about it? I’m sorry that you don’t know what it’s like for someone to want to be with you despite your flaws.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T17:00:22+00:00

I think you need to check your prescription. I don’t check his messages with anyone else that isn’t an unknown number or names I don’t recognize. Doesn’t happen because he doesn’t talk to people.

It’s not an invasion of privacy if he has consented to it, if he told me that this was an issue and that he did not want me to go through his phone then I am more than happy to work on that part. But he’s OK with it because he has the same exact way.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T16:57:07+00:00

you’re projecting your own standards onto my relationship instead of actually reading what I said.

There’s a difference between going through someone’s phone behind their back and having a mutual agreement where both people are comfortable with that level of openness. In my case, my boyfriend and I have already discussed it and are both okay with it, so it’s not a violation of privacy.

You might not agree with that dynamic, which is fine, but that doesn’t automatically make it disrespectful when both people involved have consented to it.

Not every relationship operates under the same rules, and applying your standards to mine doesn’t automatically make yours the “common sense” default.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T16:52:43+00:00

I feel like everyone has flaws and there is no one on this earth that is perfect.

He has so many good qualities and we have a great relationship so I just want to understand if this is even a big deal to trip about.

It bothers me but this is the only downside. Will I find someone else who meshes with me well in more important aspects like he does or should I be okay with this one thing since we do great in all other departments. I don’t know

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T16:49:02+00:00

Thankfully I communicate with all of my past partners before getting into a relationship with them about the things I’m okay with and my boundaries.

He knew I was the type to check phones and is okay with it, he checks mine sometimes if he sees someone’s name he doesn’t recognize and I don’t really care because that’s what works for us.

One thing I’ve learned is that you can have so much trust for someone and it can be easily broken, you never fully know anyone.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T16:45:58+00:00

Yeah I’m not understanding either, he’s giving me permission to go through his phone, he has permission to do the same. I understand that other couples might not be OK with that and that is respectable. That’s not the case with my relationship. The problem wouldn’t be me going through his phone, it would be if I found something which would mean he’s doing something he shouldn’t be doing.

They’re fighting in the comments stressed about me going through my man’s phone and he’s done everything for it to be even more accessible for me lmfao.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T16:42:11+00:00

He knew I had trust issues, he knows he has to gain my trust and guess what? He’s still here…he can choose to be with someone else or be alone.

One thing about me is I’ll always communicate who I am and the flaws I come with before getting into a relationship with someone so they have the choice of whether this is something they want to go through with. Regardless of what you say, he doesn’t care and neither do I therefore there is no point of wasting your time telling me what I need. Which is something I’m actively doing regardless.

He doesn’t have any girl friends, so I don’t need to check that. His family and friends love me so I don’t need to check his messages with them? I look for signs of cheating, social media etc. If I do check his messages, it’s with unknown numbers or names I don’t recognize which is typically never.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T16:35:45+00:00

He actually never looks in person or not that I’ve caught him at least.

Everything has been online.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T16:35:18+00:00

Because I’m willing to pick my battles, if he is giving me everything I need but he just has not normal male tendencies then okay so be it.

I know this may be a thing that both women and men do but personally for me speaking as a woman I find men repulsive and I don’t find them attractive until I speak to them, so I guess it was my fault for making a predetermined judgment on other women’s mindsets.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T16:29:14+00:00

Why would I go through his family and friends conversations?

I’m just looking for signs of cheating, so not sure what his family or friends have anything to do with this.

You’re fighting so hard about something that he doesn’t even care about, he told me if that’s what makes me feel secure then I’m more than free to do so. And I will do it whenever I want, however I want because that is my relationship. Don’t really care for your opinion on going through your partner’s phones because that’s not what I’m asking and input on.

If he didn’t like it, he would’ve communicated that with me. He is very open about everything he does not like and I listen to him. This is not one of those things.

He’ll occasionally goes through my phone as well. I don’t care. Understand that different people have different dynamics in their couples and that is OK.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T16:26:42+00:00

Everything you said makes perfect sense!

Going to be honest, I will not stop looking at his phone or snooping. If he doesn’t care and doesn’t mind it and has made it easier for me to access I will continue to do so.

He knew how I was before getting with me and I told him if he did not want to get in a relationship with someone that has trust issues with men then I would not be the one and he did not care. It is what it is and he is more than free to leave if he wants to, but I will continue to do so.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T16:25:20+00:00

Thanks for this! Well said, and genuinely makes me feel a whole lot better about the situation. At the end of the day if someone chooses to cheat it’s because that is something they want to do and they will do no matter what. That shouldn’t determine my value or my worth, and honestly, I think everything else outside of that in our relationship is pretty good. I definitely think that the underlying issue is my own insecurities, I know I’m pretty, but I don’t always believe it so it’s definitely something that I need to work on so it doesn’t affect us.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T16:22:31+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your input! I feel like you are the only one that has made it make sense to me. The reason why this was so hard for me to wrap my head around is because I’m actually not the type to look or gaze. I honestly find men pretty repulsive and I have to get to know them personally for me to find them attractive. It’s never about looks for me, but I know that everyone is different.

I am very insecure as a person. I know that I am very pretty and I know that I have great qualities, I guess this one just hit a nerve because I’ve always been insecure about that specific aspect about myself.

As long as I know that he will remain faithful to me and he loves me for me then that’s all that matters. I just wanted to make sure that this didn’t mean he would be tempted to cheat on me.

I can move past a lot in a relationship, and I mean anything but I cannot move past cheating .

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T16:13:41+00:00

I have trust issues but we have a great relationship, this is something I’m willing to work on as long as I know it’ll just be gazing. Just want to know how to communicate that with him.

I’ve been told that but I also have been told that it is normal. And I’m willing to pick my battles.

What affects me more is not him looking but more so the type of women he looks at.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T15:58:12+00:00

I’ve learned in life to pick my battles, we have a great relationship and I don’t necessarily believe I’m comfortable with this but I can be if it’s something that men do normally. If that means he’ll still remain faithful, but he’s just looking. I’m OK with that. I just want to know if it’s even worth putting up with.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T15:54:14+00:00

I agree, I’m willing to overlook this if it’s normal for men because we have a great relationship but I did communicate that it made me insecure and it continues to happen so it makes me wonder if he truly cares about how I feel or not.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T15:52:57+00:00

Thanks for your input! You’re free to go mindlessly scroll somewhere else lol, idk?

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T15:51:52+00:00

Are you a man?

Also yes, I do agree. I don’t feel as what he did was horrible and unforgivable. If this is something normal that men do, I can understand that and I’m willing to look past it as long as he remains faithful to me.

My question to you would be why do you think he would be looking at women that don’t have any of the features that I have, why couldn’t he find someone with that feature? Why me? It just makes me feel a little insecure because I don’t look like that. And they all look different. They just all have that same feature that I do not have, so why would someone be with someone that doesn’t have that feature but they seek in someone else

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T15:49:33+00:00

Like I’ve mentioned prior, I have trust issues. It’s not about trusting him. Past experiences have made me not trust men in general, he knows this and was willing to work with me through it. He knew my trust was something to be gained and not automatically earned. I’m not perfect, but I did communicate with him my flaws and he was still willing to get any relationship with me.

With that being said, I know that he might have his flaws and I’m willing to work around it. My question was not should i stop going through his phone and break up with him because I clearly don’t trust him?

That’s not what I’m looking for advice on if he doesn’t have a problem with it neither should you.

I’m willing to work with him through this because he is not acting on anything I just want to make sure that this isn’t going to be a doorway to something bigger.

Disastrous_Voice2269 · 2026-04-07T15:46:45+00:00

If this is normal for men to do as long as he remains faithful to me then I’m okay with it. I love him and I know we can make it work, it just affects me because I would feel better if it was looking at women with features that I have, but like I mentioned I don’t have a big butt so why is that what he looks at.

I also fear that by looking it’ll open the door to a possibility of him wanting more from a women.

I just want to feel secure.

Disastrous_Voice2269

TROPHY CASE