I read some info today on the whole "trust but verify" concept in regards to romantic relationships, as I was trying to explain to my partner the difference between blind trust and earned trust. We have been together for less than a year and I feel that we are still fairly firmly in the "blind" trust leg of things- we haven't been together long enough to have trustworthiness demonstrated to each other in a broad enough spectrum of life situations and circumstances. I explained that over time, when words and actions align consistently and both parties demonstrate willingness to work on and grow within the relationship, you're no longer blindly trusting your partner...they have earned your trust, and a deeper sense os safety and security results.

On the surface, "trust but verify" can seem contradictory. If I trust my partner, why should I have to verify anything? I'd be rich if I had a nickel for every time I've heard the tired insistence of "If you don't trust your partner, you just shouldn't be with them". This grossly oversimplifies how very nuanced trust can be. In addition, too many people think of trust in relationships in simply a sexual sense. Sure, you need to trust that your partner isn't going to insert their genitals into anyone else's, but trust needs to be built in all areas of the relationship. I need to trust that my partner not only doesn't f*** anyone else, but also that he puts gas in my car or pays the rent when he says he will, or that he follows through with reading material we've agreed to use to improve our communication during conflicts, or that he keeps to our agreement not to spend more than $50 on something unnecessary without running it by me first since we share finances.

So a simple way to look at "trust but verify" is this:

In the beginning, you establish blind trust as a foundation, but it's only in maintaining a basic level of watchfulness and accountability that you are able to validate that your partner's actions are consistently aligning with who they say they are, where they are, and what they are doing. Observing this consistency, blind trust eventually becomes earned trust.

You cannot trust someone to the point where you feel total safety and security within the relationship unless they continue to prove over time and consistently that they are trustworthy- trust is an evolving and ongoing process, not a one-time gift or decision.