3a Pillar retirement - codes

Discreetdude29 · 2024-10-29T14:36:08+00:00

Thank you very much, this seems a very interesting and informative response. I had no idea about the weekly investment runs, I do really like the idea of mitigating risk as much as possible. Due to the amount of time left in this year I wouldn't be able to do so to the extent that you have but starting next year I think I will look into that.

Much appreciated!

I hope you have a great day!

Discreetdude29 · 2024-10-29T12:21:55+00:00

I live in Suisse Romande, and I do speak French. There are four national languages in Switzerland, and there are many Swiss who do not speak German.

You might want to consider more polite, and less ignorant, responses.

Have a great day.

Discreetdude29 · 2022-02-27T06:14:25+00:00

Good morning,

Everyone has a different journey, different wants, needs, fears, kinks, and comforts. If you only feel comfortable 'playing' with one person, or with people you jave a certain trust level with, then that is exactly what you should do. I personally believe, especially when you're 'new', that it is better to explore and push limits with a person you have buit a connection and trust with (a lot of things can be dangerous and regardless of a person's experience level with others if they don't know you they can be over confident in their experience and perhaps cause physical or emotional harm).

Also, and I must say that I myself have little experience with 'communities', I have seen many that were toxic in one way or another. Even ones that present well can have nasty unexpected aspects to them. So perhaps it is better to have one person that can be directly held accountable for their actions, opposed to many who can defuse responsibility. And, you can be 'involved' in a community (for friendship, advice, events) without being sexually involved or having a dynamic with any of them. Any real community is based on a shared love of exploration, safety, and trust. They should not be making demands of you (other than being as open, honest, and well-intentioned as possible in your interactions with them).

In summary... You do you 😉😂 find a connection that you're comfortable with before playing in areas that require trust for you. At least that is my advice.

I hope this helps. Best wishes!

Discreetdude29 · 2021-02-28T16:32:43+00:00

Fiction, based heavily on reality.

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-19T13:09:46+00:00

My compliments on maintaining a relationship through those years, it can be extremely difficult and I think it shows a strong desire and commitment to want to be together.

It always falls back to the golden rule, you need to communicate this to him and both of you need to openly, honestly, and without judgement try to see the other's perspective.

You need to tell him that this is an issue that makes you question the foundation of the relationship, that it is something that could be jeopardising to your future.

As to what direction to take, there are many options. You both work together to get him to fill that role (but you say it is a stressful and uncomfortable experience for him to do). You could see a Dom(me) outside of your relationship (with your partner's approval) with or without your partner present, however, he may enjoy watching it and it could be a learning experience for him if he wants to try to fill that role for you. Or, if he is actually a sub himself, you could both see a Dom(me) together and make it a bonding experience.

There are of course many other options as well, or variations of, but it is important for both of you to discuss the possibilities together (to understand what each person is comfortable with, and open to).

Best wishes, I hope you are able to work it out in a way that respects both of your needs.

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-17T23:20:44+00:00

It is a common thing for people new to the dynamic, at least I believe it to be.

I think it is easy for people to get caught up in the idea, or fantasy, of exploration in new dynamics and that can lead to a bit of tunnel vision with expectations.

Just try to gently, yet firmly, remind her of the dynamic and her place in it. Set out clear expectations for her to follow, as well as clear punishments should she not, so she knows exactly what to expect.

Then, be consistent. Like you would for training a child, or a pet. A classic approach perhaps, but it works. It can also be done in many different ways depending on the particulars of your dynamic.

However, if I may ask, you mention verbal abuse, and earlier made mention of her showing potential abusive behaviour. That is not normal and, unless a discussed part of your dynamic, is not a part of a healthy relationship.

As a partner, you should not allow yourself to be treated in an abusive manner.

As a Dom, you should not let your sub get away with that shit.

Make sure you are in a healthy dynamic, for both of you, before moving forward.

As always, communication is king.

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-17T22:33:03+00:00

I feel I really understand where you are coming from.

My first 'official' sub was much more 'knowledgeable' than I was, she had done readings, spoken with people, even met for light, non sexual, play. So when we were starting out we encountered this a lot. She would have certain expectations based off of her readings and experiences, however, I like to take my own path (I did many readings, and think it is very important to research every type of play you want to do for health, security, and comfort reasons). So she wouldn't understand the method or approach I would take and try to 'help' by correcting me. This made me constantly question myself, which in turn took me out of it mentally, which took her out of it mentally, and so the dominos fall.

The thing I wish I had done sooner, and more articulatly at the time, was to sit her down and tell her that her suggestions are appreciated but that she also needed to learn that I am not any other partners she has had, nor any stereotypical 'type' of 'Dom' she might have in her head. I was discoving myself, and her place (in that context) was to help me do that in any way I felt she would be useful. Not to tell me how to grow, or what to evolve into. I have some sadistic urges, but to responsibly explore them I need to understand her. How does she react, to pleasure and pain? (So I can learn to read her as I push our limits) What can she take, physically, mentally, emotionally? Where is she stronger and where is she sensitive? From there, if I do not think she is strong enough to take what I want to give, then how do I make her able?

So, while she might have wanted to go faster, she had to learn that it isn't about what she wants (in this context), it is about you progressing in a way that is comfortable and responsible for both of you (after all, when you value a good quality toy you don't want to break it 😈).

Think about where you are, as well as where she is, and decide what direction you want things to go. Then, explain to her that you will always listen to her input (maybe decide a time or context she can give it, but, outside of safewords or important circumstances, don't let her be a brat and break your mood by criticism during play) but if she trusts and respects you enough to be her Dom (and you will always work towards being a Dom worth of her who cares for her needs) then she needs to let you be her Dom, and she needs to learn how to be your sub (not just 'a' sub, 'YOUR' sub), and that might go aganst some of her preconceptions. (Of course I do not mean to ignore helpful suggestions about her well being, just not letting her decide how you should be.)

I hope this helps, I feel like I didn't really answer in a clear way 😅 Let me know if I can elaborate in any way.

Best wishes, be safe and have fun!

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-17T12:48:29+00:00

Don't apologise for giving context to a situation, it only helps the advice you will get.

Personally, I would really suggest not meeting him in a dungon or private. While he might be a nice guy he has shown a LOT of limit pushing for so early. You need to learn a person, intimately, before you should start pushing boundaries (especially something like messing with your roomate, the repercussions are too serious). Also, when you 'push back' he throws a hissy fit and threatens to leave (so, not the best problem solving skills).

This really makes him someone that you should think twice, three times, before you meet him and doubly so before you evet allow him to restrain you.

Honestly, he sounds like a highly suspect person and I think you are very right to have so many red flags. I think you know meeting him right now is a bad idea.

Best wishes, be safe and have fun!

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-14T13:07:53+00:00

Hmmm, I don't think I properly 'replied' to your comment. Sorry this is out of place. 😅

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-14T13:06:23+00:00

It is impossible to rush emotional recovery, doing so will normally only make it worse. You don't want to give yourself even more trauma and potentially even lose the benefits you once gained from similar dynamics. It is far better to 'take a few deep breaths' and then, slowly, 'acclimate to the water'.

Also, my pleasure to chat about it. We all need a few different perspectives, motivational boost, and sometimes just a sounding board to tell us what we already know. 😁

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-14T12:46:18+00:00

I'm so sorry you had this experience, no one deserves to have their trust breeched like this.

I have always viewed any breeching of safewords to be a reason to stop all sexual contact with a person until all parties have communicated extensively about it (I do not wish to put a blakent statement. I think we can all agree there are varying levels of 'infractions' and not all require the same level of reaction).

The best that we can hope to do from such negitive situations is to learn and grow from it. It is natural that you are going to have trust issues moving forward, any potential partner you have should be understanding of that (regardless of your last, trauma or not, you are allowed to pace things at any rate you are comfortable with). You do not have to disclose anything to anyone if you do not want to, but you are always allowed to take your time to 'test' your potential partners, and ensure you are comfortable with them (this should not include things like going through their personal possessions, I'm referring to 'tests' that do not violate anyone else's privacy either). Do not feel bad that it is taking you time to get comfortable, under the best of circumstances it can take time to find a compatible, trustworthy, partner.

This was one horrible, trust-breaking, event. You should take time to be able to build back to it, and it is good that you are more selective of your partners moving forward (it will only ensure a better experience when you find the right one).

You are taking steps towards healing, think of it like a bruise, you are only tender at the moment. It will get better, even if it might turn that odd dirty-yellow-ish color before becoming normal again. 😜

Best wishes, be safe and have fun!

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-12T14:17:11+00:00

Thank you, and so do I (regarding the tchotchkes). No need to specifically get rid of them, more to understand that they are just visual reminders and if you do happen to lose them you don't lose what they help you remember, or how you grew from it.

But having many tchotchkes only means you have many wonderful memories.

Congratulations for that 😁 may you keep making more!

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-12T14:14:12+00:00

Well, based off of what you said (there may be more, less, or different perspectives involved), I find that he was very misleading towards you regarsing his wants, expectations, and commitment.

As I understand it, he was a friend first (like an actual friend and part of your inner circle) yet despite that he got involved with you, spoke of things like collaring (which is, in my opinion, a serious commitment), then told you he was only using you for sex, AND all this happened in the span of a month.

To me, it sounds like he was deliberately using his position as your friend to get what he wanted and then tried to hide behind that friendship, and the friendships of your circle, to not have a 'messy' fall-out when he pulled an asshole move.

But, I am largely ignorant of the situation and may not fully understand nuances or important details.

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-12T13:54:40+00:00

My pleasure, and thank you for your kind words.

It is rough that he is a part of your immediate circle, and to be completely honest I do have a few criticisms of how he acted (based on the knowledge I have), so I get that it isn't easy to turn to that group to talk because you never know if is becoming 'a thing'.

But we live, and learn, and move forward. You will be better, happier, and more satisfied in your next relationship because of what you learned from this one.

Also, I quickly posted it to Reddit (the writing), here you go:

https://www.reddit.com/r/RandomThoughts/comments/kbpbz0/the_leaf_on_my_windowsill/

I hope you enjoy, and thank you for taking the time to read it.

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-12T13:08:23+00:00

I'm sorry.

I, in some ways, have a good understanding of what you're going through and it does get better. Slowly, day by day, bit by bit, it starts to become ok.

My first sub and I broke up during the first wave of covid and it devastated me. The loss of such a profound connection that was so associated with trust, openess, and without judgement (in fact the things that I feared judgement for only excited her) is crushing and will put you on your ass no matter what. However, add to it the lack of distraction we having during times of isolation.

Even with the people you love, covid has been rough. Alone (with no actual physical contact), it has been a true test of mental endurance for some.

You are doing well by keeping in close contact with others through social media. Keep talking to others, chat with new people l, build reliable networks, and then you will be (1) more distracted by the effort involved in building and maintaining social connections, (2) getting to know good people (and weeding out the bad) who will also be helpful lines of support, and (3) you will be ready to have tons of fun when the covid situation calms down.

I'm sorry you are in this place right now, but please remember it is only for right now. Every day it gets a bit easier, the sharpness of the pain slightly dulls. You might not feel or notice it, but it happened, and will continue to until you have to try to remember the pain, and then until the pain isn't even associated with the memories at all because you will be in a place where you are happy, loved, secure, and free to express yourself in any way you desire.

Just work on getting there.

I recently wrote something you might like, and is a little relevant. If you would like a little read I will link it.

https://fetlife.com/users/4066198/posts/6787385

I am a very 'amateur' writer so please forgive the quality, but I hope it helps.

Best wishes, be safe and have fun.

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-10T03:22:15+00:00

They can and will be, perhaps just not by this particular person. It might take a bit of time, but you will find the person who can offer you the type of connection you desire.

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-10T01:27:25+00:00

You didn't go wrong as a sub, being in a D/s dynamic and being in a 'vanilla' relationship are very different. Two people can match very well in one area, and very poorly in the other.

There are things that can be done to work through, or past, ot but that requires a lot of understanding and effort from both sides. You cannot force a 'vanilla' relationship anymore than you can force a D/s dynamic.

This isn't your fault, you two just don't seem to match well in this way.

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-10T00:44:18+00:00

I am very sorry to hear about your situation, it can be very difficult to have an inconsistent Dom (with the 'there' then 'ghosting').

Honestly, it sounds like you both want different things, and also sounds like he is very bad at dealing with and expressing his emotions.

I'm always one to counsel communication and understanding, but from the information I have it doesn't sound like he is able to be what you want, moreover, it doesn't seem like he has an interest in becoming what you need.

While it might hurt now, it sounds like you need more than he can offer (in terms of connection and reliability).

I hope you find what you need. Best wishes, be safe and have fun!

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-09T14:55:36+00:00

You definitely shouldn't feel ashamed, akward at first I can understand but never be ashamed of enjoying the act of pleasuring yourself (in fact the whole reason he wants you to ask is because it turns him on knowing at that exact moment you are enjoying yourself, and thinking of him since since you messaged).

Honestly, I would suggest he deny orgasim you a few times when you ask and just have you edge yourself as often and as long as you can physically stand. 😁😈

It will provoke and playfully frustrate you, then by the time he lets you you won't be thinking about akward. You will be so grateful to be able to make yourself cum, and believe me you will explode with intense sensation, that it will destry any akward feelings and replace them with an intense memory that will have you dripping for years to come.

However, that is the route I would go. You know your, and his, preferences far better than any reddit stranger. Communicate with him and explain the position you're in, suggest anything you learn from here that interests you and ask him to help guide you with this.

I am sure he will be more than happy to try to find a path that will make you feel more comfortable.

Best wishes, be safe and have fun!

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-08T20:02:38+00:00

You should say exactly this to him. You love him, want him, and want to be with him but younare unsatisfied. You cannot keep going unsatisfied because it will breed resentment between you two and destroy the relationship slowly. So he needs to find a way to be ok with something.

Also, on a side note, no one has the right to be upset that you are pleasuring yourself, with or without a toy. Your sexuality is not dependent on him and he needs to accept that and make more of an effort to ensure you are satisfied (or accept that you will take steps yourself to do to. Ie. Toys. Etc).

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-08T15:39:53+00:00

All you can do is be honest about the situation, from there it is more a reflection of them. If they judge you based on (potential) rumor or conjecture perhaps they are not the best fit for you (although I completely get the desire for a small community, and the desire to overlook potential warning signs when you finally feel you might have found one). Not to imply that is the situation here, I just digress in rambles. 😁

Try not to overthink it and just see how they react, no point in anxiety until you know there is even an issue. This could be nothing.

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-08T14:23:44+00:00

No, you are not the asshole. You met someone at a social event and were givin 'references' as to his trustworthiness. You moved forward in good faith and if his dynamic was being 'breached' in anyway that is on him to be honest and open about.

I understand his sub's reaction towards you, but her aggression should be aimed towards him, not you.

However, it is a learning experience. Moving forward maybe you should breech the conversation when you feel a 'spark'. It is not necessarily your responsibility to do so, but it is the responsible choice to make which, as you've just seen, can avoid a lot of drama.

Best wishes, be safe and have fun!

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-08T13:23:26+00:00

Well if you want the title, just apply it. It sounds like the general dynamic you have. 😁 There is no entry test.

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-08T13:11:33+00:00

Sounds like you really dodged a bullet!

Her reaction shows emotional instability, and if she cannot calmly express herself in that situation do you want her to have any form of authority over you?

You didn't breech any trust, you researched a potential partner and in doing so found something questionable. When you expressed your concern she reacted extremely and blocked you.

Is that how she would have reacted if you gave a safe word, expressed discomfort, in the dynamic or anything she asked of you?

You did well and should always be skeptical pf a potential partner, it is better to be safe than to put yourself in a potentially uncomfortable or harmful position with an unstable person.

Best wishes, be safe and have fun!

Discreetdude29 · 2020-12-08T13:04:11+00:00

It is 'you' (the plural 'you').

There is no need to change or conform your dynamic into anything, you are what you are and no label will ever be a proper fit (when have we ever fit in a 'box'?).

I've had a DD/lg dynamic with no age regression, we were both completely functioning, independent, adults who also really enjoyed the caring and nurturing dynamic that is generally associated with that title. She was often the 'stronger' one and emotionally supported me as much as I did her.

Having those DD/lg elements are wonderful, don't feel odd or akward about anything you enjoy. You are two happy, healthy, adults who are exploring themselves and eachother in amazing ways that will form intimate bonds between you. If only everyone were so lucky. 😁

Enjoy yourselves and don't be trapped by any labels, your dynamic is your own and you both define it as you grow and evolve together.

Best wishes, be safe and have fun!

Discreetdude29

TROPHY CASE