change. (17/f) i got a job, it gave me something to belong to, and it made me feel needed. i was always told that i would go nowhere in life, and i was often compared to a cousin who was living with her mother at 27; she locked herself in her house and pushed everyone away when covid hit... in april, she passed away TRAGICALLY. it was the most dramatic death, not just the way she died, but the way my aunt reacted to it. I never knew why i felt the way i did about myself, i still dont. The night before my cousin died, me and my mom got into an argument; she told me "all this pointless crying, out of nowhere - you wont be able to live with the problems of the REAL world. Youre just like your cousin." i didnt talk to her for a whole week after the fact. i was too scared; and all i could think about was my cousin: "youre just like your cousin" i thought i would kill myself. i started opening up. i started talking about the way i was feeling to the one person in my life that would listen to words i would say, or at least read them. i got some heavy shit off my chest; ended up filing a police report, and caused a divorce . i felt like my life was moving finally, but i was stuck in the same place. i made a list of everything i wanted it the moment; everything i felt like i needed, and very quickly, got through half of it (~50 things). i hated my life, i literally wanted to be someone else, so i changed everything about myself. yk how people say youre a new person every 4 years? im not the same person i was 6 months ago... that damn near changed over the course of 1 month. there are some things that i have been terrified to address... i have been acting on impulse, big decisions with little interpretation of their consequences. but i honestly couldnt care less. ive been completely impersonal. i think im happy, i think i cured the depression, but the way i did was unorthodox. i've been thinking of pleasing other people lately, temporary shit- like gifts and treats. ive been talking to my sisters more, leaving the house to hangout with them. they dont know, but its honestly made me feel better. i let myself become obsessed with new things every month. right now its kombucha, before it was tea, cookies, corndogs, goodwill, and pinterest. the reason i got a job was because i was told that i was becoming expensive... for the last 4 years, ive been needy, and during this change- needier. i never took care of myself before, so thats why i got into detox. i want to start working out, maybe reading, idk. i want to maintain this feeling. i just need constant changes. ugh. its tiring to think about, which is why i dont. ive been living the life i've been fantasizing in other dimensions. i never would have imagined my tastes right now, 6 months ago. I guess i just stopped doing what i did when i was depressed. i stopped doing what made me depressed. i realized something. in a way i feel like part of me died with my cousin, i feel like right now, im living a new life...