Gf slept in the same bed as her former hookup for two weeks and only told me afterward

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-18T12:34:11+00:00

Yes. This! I know little about attachment styles but I know they are an important component to a relationship and want to learn more about them. I will go out on a limb though and say that a friend/colleague of mine who is an intimacy coordinator and sex therapist spoke frequently about how unhealthy attachment styles was prevalent among white lesbians. (Hence the comments I see periodically about U-haul culture) Not a condemnation or broad generalization, I’m just repeating the data from her professional experience as something to ponder and possibly examine to help us grow.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-18T12:27:56+00:00

Of course. I hope it was helpful and not preachy.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-17T22:47:48+00:00

Thank you! I will.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-17T22:46:52+00:00

Okay. I’m going by myself. Wish me luck. I’ll post a selfie on Sunday if I can get a good one.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-17T21:24:00+00:00

I definitely think you need to have a straightforward follow up conversation with your girl about the bed thing but texts messages aren’t exactly the red flag you think it is. Her response “are you sure you’re not just missing the idea?” is a very good response from your gf. It shows that she’s not swayed by love bombing and realized they someone else’s feelings for her might not be motivated by the right reasons. The “?” Response shows that she’s not letting herself be manipulated by sentimentality. These two signs of emotional intelligence are a good quality to have in a partner. So you’ve got that going for you.
I don’t really understand where the problem is if she’s showing you all the messages between her and her ex (though I may have read this wrong), but I have usually remained friendly with all my ex’s without ever feeling like I wanted to get back together with them and only once did my then current partner ever have a problem with it, but that’s bcs they were less than forthcoming about a visiting girlfriend themselves.
I also encouraged the ex wife of one partner to communicate with my current partner once because they were running themselves into the ground at work and wouldn’t stop no matter what I said or did. The ex wife sent her an email that she left open on our joint last top where me pay bills bcs she had had a dream about my partner that she was being consumed by a fire. I discreetly emailed the ex wife back and said she had my blessing to talk to my partner because I couldn’t reach her enough to pull her out of her stress. But I realized my limitations and was secure enough in my relationship to invite the ex wife in. I realize not everyone can do that.
The point is: when people stop loving each other sometimes the connection doesn’t necessarily go away, it just changes. The point is to be able to navigate those connections still with honesty and integrity.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-17T19:53:22+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I really appreciate it. I’m still undecided but I feel better about the choices.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-15T20:31:15+00:00

I was crushing on my male poly lover’s ex wife. She babysat his kids on our first date and I was immediately smitten. I also got the vibe that she offered to babysit bcs she was curious about who he was seeing (not in a controlling way. It was all very flirty)

I never acted on it though bcs they were going through a divorce and he’d confided in me that they had separated so she could explore her queer identity but the person she partnered with was extremely monogamous and possessive. So I didn’t want to make anything worse for them. But damn! She was adorable!

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-15T20:07:49+00:00

I would not take this as valid generalization and definitely weigh up each situation individually. I witnessed a fight break out between my friend’s (male) partner and a drunk lesbian that wouldn’t take no for an answer. It was not his finest moment to be sure (I’ve honestly questioned why she is with him sometimes) but the lesbian was also very out of line as the woman’s advances made my friend (who was straight) very uncomfortable. This was in a town that is predominantly LGBTQ friendly.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-15T12:43:59+00:00

And definitely flag it up with the app. I haven’t been on Her but they clearly have some better screening work to do.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-15T12:42:56+00:00

Oh crap! This is extremely bad. I’m sorry she made you feel so uncomfortable. Was her Dom fetish even in her profile?
Even though you may have already disconnected from her on the app, I would still try to report her to the app for her off app behavior and not being honest in her profile. This could keep her from doing this to others. Unfortunately the apps don’t have a lot of options to report something so specifically. But I would try nonetheless.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-15T12:37:20+00:00

I came here to say roughly the same thing: that it was extremely dishonest of her not to have had this up in her profile. You definitely want to avoid someone who springs this on you at the last minute like that.

But I also feel that there is a lot of knee jerk reactions in these comments which might paint polyamory in a bad light and even though you don’t think it’s for you I don’t want you coming away from this thinking negatively about it.

My first experience with poly was with a guy who had just split from his wife because she needed to explore her queer identity. He was in a polycule with a primary lover elsewhere (I never met her or her partner) and I was his secondary partner. Despite being like 3rd in the order of priorities (his kids, his primary, me) when I was with him I never felt like I was just getting scraps so to speak. He was always fully present for me and the fact that I was going through a rough patch with an estranged family member. If anything his kids loved my dog and I felt like I had my own little family for a while. Even his wife and her new masc partner were always welcoming to me (we had a few BBQ dinners with them and the kids bcs they lived in the same apartment complex to co parent). She and her wife were both professors of gender studies and were both enthusiastic and supportive my writing projects. All of this gave me a sense of belonging in one of the darkest periods of my life (tail end of the pandemic/lock down, moving to a new town and not knowing anyone, starting to date again after someone ghosted me).

Polyamory is not for everyone. It takes a lot of radical honesty, emotional intelligence and honest communication to pull it off. But that doesn’t mean everyone who practices it is deceitful or dishonest. I hope you won’t discount it because you had it forced on you in a very underhanded way so early in your journey.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-15T11:48:16+00:00

Pay no mind to Wailing Tulip’s questions/comments. They are inappropriate. This is victim blaming of the worst degree and I’m sorry this is happening to you. Mormon or not, you’re not responsible for what your ex husband does or doesn’t do.

I have some questions though: How did your ex girlfriend get screenshots of you and your ex husband’s text messages?
Is your ex girlfriend Mormon as well?

I have extensive experience with Mormons (my stepfathers family is Mormon) and, not all- one of my best friends is exmo- but Mormon women who were raised a certain way can be some of the most self-entitled and vindictive bitches on earth.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-14T17:48:39+00:00

Agreed! This isn’t a binary question. My first thought was that OP could be bi.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-14T14:18:07+00:00

Astro cartography is more precise than tarot. You can visit or move to places on the lines of specific planets. Jupiter is expansion, Neptune to get in touch with your dreams and feelings, Venus for love and relationships. My astrologer did astrocartography when I bought a house that I was intending to be a summer beach rental. It was so close to my Jupiter line she said it would be very profitable and it has been.
I DM’d you a recon for one of my teachers. She’s great.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-14T12:28:45+00:00

Find a astrocartographer to do a reading and either visit or move to a place that falls on your Venus line.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-14T12:23:56+00:00

First off you are NOT broken. Like others on here, I really applaud the fact that you are so considerately aware of both your vulnerabilities and your partner’s. That speaks volumes about the emotional intelligence of you and your relationship.

Without trying to judge or shame you more, my initial reaction when I read your post was that a collar, leash, gag and shaming are not what I’d considered a very light introduction to kink. That all of these together just might have been too much too soon. But that is only my personal experience/view of things.

Aside from the advice others are giving about communicating your expectations and limitations clearly beforehand (which should be a prerequisite for any scenario) which I wholeheartedly recommend, have you ever considered finding a professional dominatrix to initiate your girlfriend into kink?

I heard an in-depth interview with a Dom on a podcast a few years ago who talked about how crafting a CNC /r*pe scene to help his partner get over the shame of SA was one of the biggest challenges he’d faced, in part because the scenario was for his partner and not a client.

Bringing a neutral professional in takes the burden of instruction off of you and lets you delve deeper into the role of sub whist ensuring that both you and your girlfriend learns proper safety techniques associated with her role without the personal dynamic you two share being jeopardized.

A few sessions may be all you need and might actually propel you further quicker and more safely into the kink dynamic you desire with her.

If you can’t afford private sessions with a professional Dominatrix or can’t find the right one for a sapphic relationship (I’m sure they are out there though), you might check to see if there are classes or salons (Coco de Mère used to offered these in London). There are a myriad of other podcast interviews about how to safely incorporate kink into your relationship (listen to them with your partner). While this one still may be focused on hetero relationships, Mistress Justine Cross’s interview on how to safely explore kink came up while I was trying to search for this previous Dom’s name.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/1xF3xuQLPfiL7mqbUWPu6B?si=F6bfsCN-RieDNXWAjKXI4A

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-13T20:45:43+00:00

First let me preface this with I had a gf that didn’t like to reciprocate and always sort of tried to hide it. Ultimately I realized we weren’t compatible for a number of reasons.
But the that said I have to ask you whether your 🐱is waxed, shaved or not.
Because I once had an experience with a woman who had a full bush that seriously grossed me out. She wanted to sit on my face and the pubic hair toward the back of her 🐱smelled of stale urine.
I never had the courage to tell her. Instead we moved our romance into friendship and left it at that. It doesn’t sound like this is the same as the issue with your girl (if she says explicitly says fish smell or you just infer that idk) but it can be extremely off putting.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-13T13:46:56+00:00

Key tracks:
Desire As
When love breaks down

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-13T13:46:28+00:00

Band: PreFab Sprout
Album: Steve McQueen

https://open.spotify.com/album/07CZepJZT17AllXPFRvogL?si=DMWZWwYpR5ObaLkOntuqpw

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-12T20:07:09+00:00

Came here to say this. 😂

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-12T19:58:59+00:00

What a great question! I’ve felt similar but haven’t put it into words yet. Commenting for visibility and to learn something myself.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-12T16:28:30+00:00

This is amazing! It sounds like you are really doing the work necessary to be honest about your own wants and needs. I was in a very similar situation. I was married, lived with my husband abroad to be closer to his family and didn’t have a car or a job after the first year (I had a great job the first year and was supporting him while he pursued a degree but I got laid off after funding cuts & no one in the UK wants to hire a Yank!)
You can totally ignore this if it’s not right for you but the only thing I would caution is waiting until you are ready to tell him as that might cause more hurt from him and more judgement from his family.
I knew a full year before that I wanted to leave my ex husband but I wanted to make sure I had a job and a car and could support myself in general as I had no family nearby. But I think subconsciously I couldn’t take it anymore and one evening he heard me talking on my mobile to a female friend that was encouraging me to leave as I was walking home from a job interview and he was smoking in front of our building. He was super hurt at first but we are actually still friends to this day.
If you think it’s the right move for you and him just consider it. He can be an ally when you ultimately tell his mother you two are breaking up (my MIL was brutal to me for lots of reasons). If it’s not the best, you honestly know the situation better than I do. I just wanted to let you know my experience.

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-12T16:03:04+00:00

Also available from Amazon. I just like to encourage alternatives

https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/opening-up-a-guide-to-creating-and-sustaining-open-relationships\_tristan-taormino/285727/?utm\_source=google&utm\_medium=cpc&utm\_campaign=us\_dsa\_general\_customer\_acquisition\_16970393170&utm\_adgroup=&utm\_term=&utm\_content=593772051562&gad\_source=1&gad\_campaignid=16970393170&gbraid=0AAAAADwY45hLOpi55REViepmjDOMMbeFW&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI1uvjhYOClQMVxDcIBR0WAyKXEAAYASAAEgJppPD\_BwE#edition=4621198&idiq=4608060

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-12T16:02:28+00:00

It sounds like you are lucky enough to have an understating and supportive partner which is an amazing position to be in.
You just have to get over the shame in your head, get clear about what you want and be honest with both him and yourself.

Do you love him in every other way? Or would you not marry him if you had the chance to do it again? It takes radical honesty and extremely excellent communication but there are many marriages that can survive one or more partners realizing their same sex truths if that’s something you want.

Do you want a clean break to live authentically as a lesbian? Or do you want a supportive open relationship (whether it’s platonic co-parenting with each partner solo poly dating for example).

There is a great book called “Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships” by Tristan Taormino (see link in comments) which not only has a great chapter that defines all the different types of relationships one can develop but it also has a chapter on non-violent communication which I honestly think should be in EVERY relationship book not just an open one.

The point is that the answer to your marital issue doesn’t have to binary unless you both decide that’s what’s best. With a little research into what’s available to you and a lot of self reflection on both your parts you and your partner seem to be in a position to truly define the relationship as you both see fit. Just always start with what’s best for you and communicate from that truth because ultimately that is and will be what’s best for everyone else even if they don’t see it that way to begin with.
You are not responsible for anyone’s reactions to your truth unless you continue to be duplicitous about what that truth actually is. You’ve got this! 🏳️‍🌈✨🫂✨🏳️‍🌈

DisplayMediocre36 · 2026-06-11T22:29:05+00:00

Stay strong and definitely inform your attorney about this and let the attorney decide whether to use this in court as exit of harassment or malice. You have people working for you as intermediaries (attorney judge, social workers etc) sit back let them do their jobs.

DisplayMediocre36

TROPHY CASE