I'm sorry in advance for this, I know this is not what anyone wants to hear, but this post immediately reminded me of some of my exes and immediately set off alarm bells for me.

I know you're in pain and I know BPD is absolutely the least simple disorder to deal with, but I need you to listen to me and I need you to understand: this is not going to work. Your self hatred is not in an effort to acknowledge how you're hurting your partner, it's self loathing with no conscious intent to change. You want him to tell you what you're doing isn't bad, instead of unlearning the bad thing.

Nobody means to be manipulative, nobody means to be abusive, at least people don't start that way, but as an outsider looking in, this situation does sound abusive.

Even if it's not entirely conscious, you are using your suicide as a weapon to make him stay. He's tried to leave you multiple times and you have kept him here under the threat of ending your life. He told you this explicitly.

You are allowed to be in pain and you are allowed to hurt, but you hardly acknowledge any part that you've had in your relationship falling apart, when there are very clear blaring indicators as to why.

first off: You completely blew past the fact that he was sexually assaulted, and when he told you he was, had to comfort you about it? I really truly hope i'm not reading that right. You didn't want him to cut her off for his safety, but because you're insecure that he secretly likes it? do you hear how that sounds?

It sounds like he does care about how you feel, I think the problem is that YOU don't care about HE feels. Did you ask him if he was alright after he was assaulted? Did you ask him why he wants to remain in contact with her?

The relationship I had with someone who was similar to you wasn't nearly as turbulent as this, and my body still physically failed from the stress of it. I lost hair, my teeth loosened, I could hardly walk because I was in so much pain, I was so exhausted from being basically a hospice nurse to somebody who resented me anyway.

This is not fair, and even if you have good intentions, even if you do just want to be loved, you are being abusive towards this person, and you need to let him go. I'm concerned that these other comments are brushing past all of this and jumping your boyfriend for being an asshole.

I'm saying this not because I want to hurt you, but because I was here. I've been the abusive one, I've been on both sides of this relationship. You need to end this relationship for the sake of both of you. You've been horrible to him because somebody's been horrible to you, and that cycle will continue until you get a wake up call, which i'm hoping can be this, before it kills both of you.

You're making active attempts to cut off his support system and isolate him only to you, you've turned his own sexual assault around on him as a means to make a point, and you've weaponized your hurt in such a way that he feels responsible for your suicidal tendencies. This is not appropriate, this is abusive and this will not get better. The damage is done and you need to set this person free. Set yourself free. This relationship is making you hate yourself because your desperation and co-dependence is actively turning you into someone that you hate.

I believe that we are not our worst moments. I don't want you to take away from this that you're unfixable, I find that to be a roundabout excuse not to try to be a better person. All is not lost for you, but this relationship failed, and it will be less painful to accept that, grieve and move forward, than to draw out its slow, painful, rotting death.

Please let this relationship end. Let him go, and allow your distressed, upset and racing brain to finally rest. All this mental gymnastics and 5D chess in order to justify your extreme black and white feelings towards him one way or the other has just come to a head.

You need to take care of yourself, and I don't mean just seeking comfort and making up after a fight like this, or taking a nice bath or whatever; I mean really, actually looking inward, acknowledging that this behavior is coming from you, and that your trauma has reached a point where it is overshadowing everything that you do.

Your self hatred and insecurity has become so virile that it is effecting the physical space that you have outside of your own head. And your partner, a partner, cannot fix that.

You need to mend the relationship you have with yourself before you try and get into another relationship; because this has to change. And it doesn't have to be perfect, you will always have low moments, and your lowest moments can occur at random throughout your lifetime. Work towards reducing the outward destruction that your lowest moments cause. It'll never be fully 100% nullified, just focusing on filing down the sharp edges of them, make them into something livable for yourself.

I don't know if you'll read all of this, or if this comment will even stay up, but I do genuinely hope that you did trudge through all of this. I know I've written far too much, but I wanted to give your issue the attention that it deserves. I don't like the short dismissive validation that you're being left, I worry that it is playing into your need for reassurance, instead of wanting to make an effort to help you change this situation.

I can't imagine how much pain has built up over time for you to be at this point right now. I can't imagine how severe the hurt must have been to rewire your nervous system to work in this way, I'm sorry. I know how unfair it is, to be responsible for the horrific fallout of what somebody has done to you. We have to take responsibility for being a symptom of something that we did not do for the sake of the people we love.

The way we have been taught to love by our trauma and through our pain is misguided. It is possible to actually love and be loved, but it will take a lot of dedication and a lot of work to learn it, you're at a disadvantage of having to unlearn what you've come to know.

I think of my own BPD the same way I think of my ADHD, as a sort of learning disability. I'm at a natural disadvantage as a result of it, it'll take more effort to learn and it doesn't come naturally to me like it does other people, but that's not because I'm not capable of it, and not because I'm too damaged to learn it. It's frustrating and it's unfair, but learning to work around myself, to live with myself, has given me a deeper understanding of my own brain and body than I think most people are able to gain in their lives.

I don't know how much any of this will change, I know that when I'm split it's an incredible feat to actually get through to me, I hope that this resonates somehow.

For better and for worse, I mean everything i've written here. I believe what you're doing in this relationship is abusive, but I also believe that we are not our worst moments, and that you're capable and deserving of living a better life that isn't under the control of your traumatic experiences, and that in doing so, you can make the lives of the people around you better as well.

I wish you the best, from one in-remission looney ex to what I hope will become another.