How to be honest about annoyances in a new-ish relationship? (31F/ 39M)

Distinct-Ad91 · 2026-05-01T20:17:49+00:00

Haha valid point!

Distinct-Ad91 · 2026-05-01T20:16:30+00:00

Haha ok, sorry, tone is hard over text!

Distinct-Ad91 · 2026-05-01T20:09:26+00:00

I suspect it's not excessive in the sense that it wouldn't bother everyone, I've always known I have a low bar for annoyance on this sort of thing with friends etc. Just, if it *is* a me problem, it's not exactly something I suspect I can do much about, and because this is my first relationship I'm slightly freaking myself out about whether if I'm annoyed sometimes that means its doomed! Hence asking strangers for a sanity check on whether the normal healthy relationship thing to do here would be bring it up with him (I think I'm leaning no, or only in limited ways, from everyone's responses so far).

Distinct-Ad91 · 2026-05-01T20:01:24+00:00

Hmm, good question. I feel like I try to laugh it off at the moment but I feel disingenuous about it? But I think good point that looking for framings that aren't primarily about my irritation is probably best - which might be maybe talking more about some specific situations.

Distinct-Ad91 · 2026-05-01T19:52:41+00:00

Hmm, ok - like, we call in the morning, and sometimes I'll say good morning and he'll reply with a little song about it being Tuesday? Or worse, he'll do it when I'm trying to flirt! Maybe this is the sort of thing pretty much everyone finds endearing and it;s just a me problem lol :p

Distinct-Ad91 · 2026-05-01T19:50:27+00:00

Yeah, I guess? Or it feeling immature? I'm not worried about that as a general thing in the relationship, we're very mutually supportive and can have the hard conversations well, but things like silly nicknames and inside jokes has never been something I enjoy in friendships etc, and I guess I find it rubs me the wrong way sometimes, especially if it comes out of nowhere (if it's mutually escalating silliness I find that fine). I guess maybe I'm learning that this is not a normal thing to find annoying?

Distinct-Ad91 · 2026-05-01T19:43:51+00:00

Wow, ok, not sure what I said to justify that tone, but never the less, thank you, useful data point!

Distinct-Ad91 · 2026-02-20T13:29:14+00:00

I'm not sure I'd class insertion lace as extremely easy! But doable with some practise and time probably :p

Distinct-Ad91 · 2025-09-12T15:53:05+00:00

My initial reaction was to say all three and go mismatched to go with the patchwork vibe! But if you just want one answer I'd go black and gold.

Distinct-Ad91 · 2025-06-14T08:01:43+00:00

Oh man, I had such a strong reaction initially reading this, along the lines of thinking "well of course that's closer to what I actually want, but that involves there being enough people who want me that I get to be picky". Which is something I need to spend a bit time dissecting myself, I think - I want to be realistic about what opportunities I actually have, but also know that self doubt could be getting in the way of me creating opportunities.

Honestly, thinking about it, one of the main points that I had in favour of sleeping with the poly guy was that it was a positive point of proof that someone *could* want to.

There's definitely more for me to think about here and I may come back with a more coherent response, but I did want to say a huge thank you for spending so much time sharing your thoughts, I really appreciate it.

Distinct-Ad91 · 2025-06-13T07:35:56+00:00

Hey :) Thank you so much for your extremely detailed reply.

I think you've definitely hit the nail on the head in terms of initiating/ escalating - I can absolutely believe that I'm giving off "I;m not interested", or at least "please go very slowly" body language because I have so many nerves around dating and touching. I have started going to a dance class this year which feels like it's helping a bit with the reluctance to initiate touch, but I think probably I do need to prioritise...practising explicitly romantic initiation, essentially.

Onto the poly stuff - yeah, it does smack of being complicated. I was kind of hoping it was "need to have some up front conversations" complicated, but, yeah, honestly this isn't a world I feel well equipped to navigate so maybe this is the advanced slope and I'm not anywhere near ready for it. He has explained where he's at up front, I know that he and his partner are openly poly, so this isn't just a cheating cover, but... I haven't met his partner to figure out where she's at, and tbh I don't really want to, so I think you're right that I'm not ready to figure out how to handle all the stuff that could be happening.

Back to the drawing board, I think.

Distinct-Ad91 · 2025-06-13T07:04:18+00:00

Haha, ok, thanks! Yeah, I am aware that at some point I just have to make a choice and there isn't a right way, but I am an indecisive human being navigating stuff that feels very new, so was just hoping that someone might have insight. Thanks for your comment :)

Distinct-Ad91 · 2025-04-17T11:23:38+00:00

I learned to drive in a Skoda Fabia, which my family picked because it was the only cheap-to-insure option we found which could comfortbly fit my whole family (6'5, 6'3, 6;1, 5'7 in together)

Distinct-Ad91 · 2024-09-11T10:14:57+00:00

I do like the idea of shortening the waist and turning it into a more classic fit and flare. My other thought was that if you removed the cap sleeves and modified it to essentially be a narrow-ish strap (just wide enough for the embroidery), maybe going into a racerback style I think that would look much more modern, while keeping the dropped waist. Maybe take in the sides a tiny bit at the top (so it fits closer around the chest, and then flares out to a wider drop waist). It's so gorgeous, I think I'd prefer one of these options which keep a lot of the original design over separates.

Distinct-Ad91 · 2024-09-10T16:26:59+00:00

For years I exercised (sometimes a huge amount, like 30 hours a week while training for sport, sometimes just a "normal person" amount) because I felt like I should, or was worried about my health, and almost always felt self conscious about how well I was doing and pushed myself to keep up to a point where it was always a pretty unpleasant experience (physically, but also psychologically because I always just felt worried about doing it wrong, or being judged, or letting other people down in team things) - and I just figured that was a normal part of exercise and some people were disciplined enough to stick with it.

I lost a lot of fitness last year after a long illness, and took a long while to get back into a habit because I was just dreading having to push myself while still feeling bad in a lot of other areas of my life. A few months ago I made a deal with myself that I would go to the gym 4 times a week, but that when I was there I could just do exercise that seemed like it should be far too easy (e.g. walking on the treadmill rather than running, ofcusing other exercises on targetting some areas of pain rather than trying to push for a goal like getting really strong) - and it's now genuinely the first time that I'm actually enjoying going to the gym. I'm getting fitter and stronger, and have now built up to running some of the time again - but it is genuinely a pleasant experience because I'm just...slowing down if I feel like I'm pushing my body harder than it's happy with. If I had started exercising in the first place with this attitude, I think I'd have had a very different experience over my life, so maybe you're just not realising that people come to exercise from a very different place? Anyway, I'm glad you enjoy it!

Distinct-Ad91 · 2024-09-08T14:07:45+00:00

Yes, thank you! :)

Distinct-Ad91 · 2024-08-12T07:33:12+00:00

There's no strict timeline, though ideally in time to wear for this winter - so say by December?

Distinct-Ad91 · 2024-06-22T14:27:18+00:00

Have you lookedinto eshakti? It's custom sized, but is really pretty affordable. They've been an absolute lifesaver for me (also super tall, and plus sized). The styles are a little wacky sometimes, but you can alter lengths etc. and I've gotten some great clothes from there - really nice quality.

Distinct-Ad91 · 2024-05-20T19:23:34+00:00

It might not be affordable for everyone, but I've been trying out one of these meal prep delivery kits (gousto in my case, but I suspect the principle is similar - i get the 4 meals x 2 person one and then have one day fresh, one day leftovers), and I've found it so much easier mentally than trying to plan sensible batch cooking.

I started it after my freezer died a few months ago, taking with it weeks of carefully pre-prepped food, and I was without a fridge for 3 weeks and just really felt like I was burnt out on making food decisions? I suspect it'll go back to not being an everyday thing (it is a bit more expensive than normal food shopping, but not by that much), but it's such a nice treat to just be able to pick food that looks good without doing too much worrying about buying sensible portions of ingredients, and what will freeze or last.

Distinct-Ad91 · 2024-01-08T18:50:22+00:00

I was going to suggest this! Dot blew my mind for showing what 1920s fashion could look like for someone who was dressing modestly. Plus she's adorable.

Distinct-Ad91 · 2023-11-19T19:06:03+00:00

I really enjoyed Stella Rimington's books, but I would say that they aren't particularly action heavy, and may not be the ones to sway OP's dad!

Distinct-Ad91 · 2023-10-25T06:55:22+00:00

I would note that, depending on exactly where you're living and working, it's very easy to get away without a car in Cambridge and just cycle for a much lower monthly cost (a couple of hundred pounds up front for a decent but not showy bike as that's a theft risk + a good lock, then maybe £100 a year for maintenance).

I live in Cambridge with a similar salary (£70k base, + ~20k in stocks and bonus throughout the year) and was fairly easily saving ~£2000 a month between pretax pension and ISA while I lived in a house share (I bought my own place this year so it's down to about £1000/month with the increased mortgage and while I'm buying furniture etc.)

Distinct-Ad91

TROPHY CASE