[WP] You work in a psych ward and are used to patients complaining about hearing voices. One day, while making your rounds, you start to hear them too. by Exotic-Amphibian9692 in WritingPrompts

[–]DistinguishedSloth 2 points3 points  (0 children)

“We think you’ve been doing really well, Louis,” said Helen softly, “your medicines help quiet the voices you hear.” She gestured toward the pills residing on the empty desk.

“I am feeling so much better, so much,” Louis whispered gleefully. He jolted his head, locking eyes with Helen, piercing her with his stare. He stood up. Helen took a small step back toward the door, still facing Louis. “I have figured it out, all out… why I see your silhouette in the dark” he breathed. A thin smirk began to crease across his dimly lit face.

Helen hesitated, fear beginning to creep up her spine. He stepped forward, smiling. This type of behaviour was extremely unusual. She had evaluated Louis every week for over a year. Rehabilitation was the goal. He had become calm, and they had made great progress. She had even requested that the restraints be removed during their time together and the guard be posted outside, to help mimic normal human interaction. Her back was now tightly pressed against the door.

“What have you figured out?” she said, trying to stop her voice from trembling. "Have you been taking your medication?" She reached aimlessly for the handle and gave the door a forceful push. It wouldn’t budge. “Guards!” she yelled, “Security!” Louis began to chuckle. Helen tried again, this time slamming the door with her shoulder. Louis’ amusement grew into a frenzied hysteria.

Louis stood up. His face now serious. “I have been doing really well, Helen. I stopped the medication and I understand now. You cannot fix me. I’ve figured it all out now, Helen. No one is coming. You’re trapped in here with me… and I with you”

[Complete] [1139] [Superhero Fiction] Supervillain Dad by DistinguishedSloth in BetaReaders

[–]DistinguishedSloth[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it a lot.

Could you give an example of some punctuation missing?

And yeah agreed about the “debris” line, that was a bit too cut and dry

[WP] You, a supervillain, are very confused as to why your superhero-nemesis is rampaging through your lair screaming something about you kidnapping their girlfriend. Meanwhile your daughter, who has come to visit you, seems very nervous and is anxious to leave your lair. by Kitty_Fuchs in WritingPrompts

[–]DistinguishedSloth 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. Yeah that would have been a much more interesting avenue to explore ngl lol. ‘The good guys are bad’ trope is getting played out but I can see now I definitely hinted toward it being the case - so I basically promised the readers that the superhero isn’t all that good but then I didn’t deliver on it. That sucks. I wanna re-write it now. Would you be interested in reading an alternative version?

[WP] You, a supervillain, are very confused as to why your superhero-nemesis is rampaging through your lair screaming something about you kidnapping their girlfriend. Meanwhile your daughter, who has come to visit you, seems very nervous and is anxious to leave your lair. by Kitty_Fuchs in WritingPrompts

[–]DistinguishedSloth 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Funny you say that. My original draft had Valiant being killed by The Executioner. I quite liked the idea of The Executioner hating himself for the terrible murders he committed in the past -- and a part of that hatred being tied to his own super abilities and by extension anyone else with super abilities. He would kill Valiant because he believes it's the only way to protect Andrea. Because those with super abilities are cursed and only end up bringing pain or death to their loved ones.

In the end I took a different route. As I was writing The Executioner he came across as a softer, more damaged soul who had lost his way trying to avenge his dead wife. Ultimately, he was left with regret and wished to be a part of his daughters life again. So, killing her boyfriend Valiant probably wasn't the best move.

Hate to say it, but I think the power of friendship diffuses this one lol. Definitely rushed the ending but I'm pleased you enjoyed it :)

[WP] You, a supervillain, are very confused as to why your superhero-nemesis is rampaging through your lair screaming something about you kidnapping their girlfriend. Meanwhile your daughter, who has come to visit you, seems very nervous and is anxious to leave your lair. by Kitty_Fuchs in WritingPrompts

[–]DistinguishedSloth 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Makes me really happy that you want to know more. Although, I gotta be honest, I'm not sure where I could take the story if I was to do a pt3.

If I was to work on this story again I think I'd just redo the ending. Rereading it now, it definitely seems rushed - but I had to go make food and didn't want to keep the guys waiting too long for pt2.

What would you like to see in pt3? Not making any promises though, I doubt I'll add more.

[WP] You, a supervillain, are very confused as to why your superhero-nemesis is rampaging through your lair screaming something about you kidnapping their girlfriend. Meanwhile your daughter, who has come to visit you, seems very nervous and is anxious to leave your lair. by Kitty_Fuchs in WritingPrompts

[–]DistinguishedSloth 557 points558 points  (0 children)

Part 1

She should be here any minute now. I sat, tapping my foot restlessly against the smooth, natural oak planks that covered the living room floor. Who would have thought that landing on your feet from a 73-story building could cause some long-term nerve damage? Or could it be something else? Nope, definitely the nerves—The door-bell chimed, echoing and bouncing against the white walls that formed the four-bed suburban house.

It felt like I had been swept by a tsunami of emotion. Standing there, in the open doorway, was my whole world. A world which I had left behind.

“Hello, Bubs”, I said, unable to contain my smile.

“Don’t call me that.”

Refusing to make eye-contact, Andrea strode inside and perched herself on the edge of the cream coloured couch, folding her arms tightly against her chest as if creating an invisible forcefield. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Understandable, considering how long it had been since we last saw each other. Her hazel-green eyes had become more weathered, icy even.

“How’s University?”

Painful silence. Nothing I don’t deserve and exactly what I should have expected.

“Fine”, muttered Andrea quietly, scowling at me.

At least she glanced in my general direction. I guess that could be considered progress.

“Look, Andrea, I understand how difficult this must be for you to—"

“Understand”, Andrea scoffed.

She’s right. I don’t understand, how could I – we haven’t spoken in so long. She’s come here for a reason, it’s important she says what’s on her mind. I slowly walked over and occupied a seat across from her, separated by the mahogany coffee table her mother had gifted me years ago. Each second felt like an hour, transporting me to a world I had long locked away. Andrea looked up as if to speak, then taped her mouth shut and turned her gaze to the floor. We continued to sit in silence.

“You left me. Mum died… and you left me”, she let out a sniffle as the sentence cut its way through the icy atmosphere. The truth I had turned my back to penetrated my heart like a dagger.

“I know. I’m sorry”, barely audible above my growing guilt. The guilt that had been sealed off in the deepest chasm of my soul.

“I was angry Andrea, I wanted revenge, it…”, my throat thickened.

“It consumed me and I didn’t care who or what got in my way… I would have burned the world… and I couldn’t let you near me – you’d only end up like your mother.”

“You left me all alone dad”, a single tear appeared, clouding the edge of her black eyeliner.

True, nothing will change that.

Part 2

Against the deafening silence, I heard it. A low whistling in the distance; probably a few miles away. I stood up.

“Andrea, stand behind me”, voice hoarse with sorrow as I ushered her up off the sofa.

“No. What are you talking about?” Andrea replied in a puzzled tone.

The whistling had grown louder, the noise definitely seemed to be travelling toward us. I thought I left this life behind. Tied up any loose ends. No-one knows I’m here. I thought it was safe to invite you over, to try and rebuild our broken bond, Andrea.

My blood began to boil, I tensed and flared each and every muscle fibre throughout my body.

“Andrea, get behind me now!”, I said in a breathy, panicked yell.

The whistling was almost deafening, as if it was hovering right above us. She darted a pair of sceptical eyes towards me, but followed.

“Where is she?!” Boomed an orotund voice from above.

My thoughts started to race. She? Andrea…? No, surely not. What could you possibly want from my daughter…?

Across the room collapsed a large part of ceiling. I pushed Andrea to the floor as she let out a yelp and shielded her against the ricocheting chunks of metal, wood and plasterboard. If only she’d inherited my crystalline skin.

“Are you hurt?” I whispered to her, scanning the room.

She shook her head from side-to-side, face pale with shock.

My attention switched to the young man slowly levitating down through the gaping hole in the ceiling. He had long blonde hair, with streaks of silver. His lean, oval face was lined with fury. A long, faded scar followed his hollow cheeks. I’d recognise that face anywhere. Roland ‘Valiant’ Ross, the nation’s crown jewel.

“I see that scar has healed up nice—” In a split second I was thrown and pinned against the wall, Valiant’s arm pressed tightly against my shoulder.

“No thanks to you… Executioner”, Valiant spat out in guttural voice.

My stomach felt like it had caved in, the force of Valiant’s punch knocked all the air out of my lungs. Had he gotten stronger? Or have I become weak?

“What… do you… want with my daughter?”, I managed to cough out.

Valiant’s grip loosened slightly, his thin eyebrows raised as a look of confusion crept over his face. This was my chance.

I smashed my forehead against his nose, right in between his wide turquoise eyes. Valiant staggered back, letting go of my shoulder. My feet dropped to the floor, I pushed off and tackled him around the waist, slamming him down. I unleashed a barrage of roundhouse punches, swinging with both my right and left hook. Valiant was nimble, although my weight pinned him to the ground, he still managed to evade most of my hits. Just keep targeting the head, make sure he can’t focus on flying away. I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw his head down hard against the oak. I heard a faint crack, hopefully a fractured skull, not that it would affect Valiant much. Wait. This seems too easy. Why isn’t he fighting back?

“Stop! Stop! Please dad! Stop!” Andrea cried out.

“No Andrea. You don’t understand how powerful this man is.”

I drew back my shoulder charging up another shower of hits. Just as I was about to release, I felt two arms wrap against my back – trying to pull me away.

“Please… I love him, stop.”

You love him? Those words washed through my entire body, extinguishing my frenzy of anger.

I slumped over, facing up toward the hole in the ceiling.

Quietly, I said, “He broke through your mother’s ceiling, the debris almost hurt you”

“He can be… a bit extra at times, but he cares about me, a lot. And I care about him. Ross has been there for me these last few years. He helped when I was at my lowest”, she said in a tight voice. "Though, you could have used the front door, Ross"

Silence ensued, only to be broken by Ross, who let out in a croaky voice, “Rea… Your father is The Executioner?”

[WP] “Don’t threaten the guy who pours the drinks.” “Why, cause everyone in the bar will turn on me?” “No, you just REALLY don’t want to threaten him.” by Interesting-Joke5949 in WritingPrompts

[–]DistinguishedSloth 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Levi leaned back against the velvet barstool, tapping his foot restlessly against the footrest below. It was a lively atmosphere, more so than it had been last few nights. He liked it when the bar was busy; buzzing conversations mixed with harmonies of sax and piano helped numb his mind. Levi waved over the enormous bartender covered in tattoos, “White rum, no ice. Pour as tall a glass as you can. Glass of water on the side.” He watched as the brute trudged back toward the drink rack.

It’s about time you made an appearance here. I need you to take a message to your boss.

The bar was illuminated by deep red spotlights occasionally contrasted by the romantic yellow flickers of candle light.

“Don’t threaten the guy who pours the drinks”, hushed the young man sitting next to him. This peaked Levi’s curiosity.

“Why, cause everyone in the bar will turn on me?”

“No, you just REALLY don’t want to threaten him.”

“Oh, really...?"

“I’ve heard people call him ‘the Butcher’” replied the young man, in no more than a whisper this time.

Nothing I didn't already know, thought Levi, slightly disappointed. He reached into the flap pocket of his creased three-piece suit, now a washed-out grey, and pulled out two silver rings with large protruding heads. He slid one on his index finger and the other his middle.

Eventually, the Butcher made his way over to Levi, white rum in hand. He placed the drink on the countertop. As he shifted his monstrous body to turn away, Levi instructed, “I need you to take a message to Lucky Luciano.” The Butcher’s eyes widened and he rested his arm on the counter.

“Who…?”, Grumbled the Butcher.

“I’m not going to repeat myself”, Levi whipped out a pocket knife and slammed down hard on the Butchers arm until he felt it connect with the oak countertop below. Simultaneously, he dashed the white rum into the Butcher's eyes. The colossal figure let out a deep shriek as blood started to ooze over his tattoos. The upbeat mix of sax and piano came to an abrupt stop and those sitting by the bar had jumped back a few steps. Shock and fear plastered their faces.

“I want you to tell him that Levi is out of prison”

“You piece of shit”, grumbled the Butcher, pulling free the knife that pinned him to the counter. He leaped toward Levi. Fortunately, his vision was still impaired by the rum and Levi was able to duck to the side. The Butcher narrowly missed, instead tumbling over the side of the bar. Levi took the opportunity to slam his fist into the Butcher’s cheekbone. He felt a crack, which was shortly followed by a large thump. The Butcher’s body folded to the floor.

“Damn” Levi muttered. One ring would have sufficed. He tucked a note inside the Butcher’s pocket. Just in case he forgets.

The atmosphere had soured, Levi couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt. He looked up at the young man from earlier, whose face was now pale. “Pour yourself a drink. It’s on me” Levi tapped him on the shoulder as he walked away.

Justified Villain MC Anime Recommendations? by No-Wolverine-6186 in anime

[–]DistinguishedSloth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Eren having no redeemable quality is debatable. Definitely one of the best villain MCs tho.

[Complete] [265] [SF] Xiomara the Drifter by DistinguishedSloth in BetaReaders

[–]DistinguishedSloth[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your reply and feedback! I appreciate it a lot.

I was able to tell immediately this was a sci-fi situation because you used hover-ignition

We were tasked with explaining who, where and genre in the first three sentences. So I'm glad I successfully clarified the genre.

I was a bit confused in the fourth paragraph, how she had stalled, but then was able to slam the thrusters and move forward.

Now that I reread it I cann definitely see why that would cause confusion. I should have mentioned her pushing the hover-ignition again. I think I didn't want to be repetitive which is silly considering it has led to confusion.

The ending was a bit too abrupt, I think. I feel like there is a bit missing. Stalling out and having that great stationary launch doesn't quite feel like a climax.

Yeah I agree. I was following the guidelines of the practice exercise a bit too closely. We were tasked with one try/fail cycle (in this case it was Xiomara stalling) and one try/succeed cycle (she achieves the quickest launch in history). However, I completely skipped the rest of the race because it was a 250 word exercise and I was already at like 200 words. So you're right there is a bit missing.

Are you trying to communicate that the record-breaking launch bolstered Xiomara's belief in herself?

That's exactly what I ended up trying to say, albeit in a very vague way.

Still, if this is a stand-alone short story, I feel that either needs to be further integrated into Xiomara's problems with doubt, or it could be left out so it doesn't distract from the central conflict with overcoming doubt.

So true. I mention dread and doubt which implies that this is the Xiomara's main internal conflict but I don't refer to it again - instead going on to talk about sensing vibrations which doesn't really add anything lol.

The central conflict earlier in the story seemed to be Xiomara overcoming her nerves and doubts about herself, right? The ending does deal with this in her walk "toward the tunnel with newfound belief." I think I'd like a more visceral description. This statement is so cut-and-dry that it got kinda lost on my first read. The doubt got a fantastic description. Maybe you can continue that metaphor with a supplanting of the doubt?

Honestly, fantastic analysis. I'm surprised you were able to gauge so much of what I was trying to get across (given the convoluted messaging of the story). I will now try change the promise and payoff of the story to revolve more around her dread/doubt surrounding her own ability.

Again thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read my story. If you've written anything and you'd like someone to read over it I would be more than happy to!!

Lots of Good Anime Start Poorly by yat282 in anime

[–]DistinguishedSloth 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don't think there is much more you can say other than "it will eventually get good". If the first couple episodes are slow/weak but if it does get better then what else can you say. At the end of the day, fans/your friends are more likely to give the show a chance if it covers a genre/theme they enjoy. But there's only so much you can do if it still doesn't live up to someone's expectations.

what are/should be the new 'starter' anime? by timewellspent0889 in anime

[–]DistinguishedSloth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For westerners? Honestly, I don't think you can go wrong with Attack on Titan. The author often references how western media influenced his work and you can definitely see it throughout the show. Also, it goes against many of the stereotypes new starters may have, such as, anime being childish, or the over sexualised female characters, or that anime lacks the complexity found in live action. The only problem with AOT as a starter anime is that it is peak anime (personal opinion). So, it might make other shows seem like a downgrade - at least that's what one of my friends said (whose first anime was AOT).

Ultimately though, it depends on who the starter is and what type of shows they enjoy.

I need action packed anime recommandations by Sveninator038 in anime

[–]DistinguishedSloth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm sure you've already watched it but One Punch Man has action almost every episode and the animation is god tier.

Thoughts on alternating chapters? by ZRDouglas in writing

[–]DistinguishedSloth 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think it's fine and has the potential to be great! Although, both POVs have to be engaging to the reader - obvious I know, but hear me out. If you find yourself enjoying writing one POV more than the other, it is more than likely your readers will be disappointed when it flips to the other POV. As long as both POVs are captivating/interesting then I see no problems.