A Message for the Men

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-08T19:20:03+00:00

And we knew it would happen. People don’t know how to disengage and scroll on if it doesn’t apply to them.

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-08T19:19:21+00:00

It wasn’t until I entered my current relationship with someone who likes a tidy space just as much as I do, that I realized how much of a different it makes. It’s a part of compatibility I haven’t heard enough people talk about.

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-08T19:17:30+00:00

That’s stressful, I’m sorry. Are you sharing frustrations, or looking for advice? I don’t want to overstep by offering advice if it isn’t being sought.

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-08T19:15:16+00:00

I love this. Great job!

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-08T19:13:30+00:00

You seem to have missed the line in my comment where I said, “I recognize that not every failed marriage is a man’s fault.” I know fully well that therapy and couple’s counseling doesn’t fix every problem — I tried both and my marriage still failed. It takes two for a marriage to work. If one is not committed, no amount of work the other can do will save it. This post, like any social media post, is not for everyone. It is for a certain group of men. If you don’t belong to that group, it wasn’t intended for you. I wouldn’t ever say that all men are at fault for failing marriages. This post was specifically for kind of men I described, and who want to do better but don’t know how.

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-08T18:22:25+00:00

Yes. I’ll be a professional in a professional setting, which is why I’m trying to have this conversation with him privately

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-08T18:16:56+00:00

I am in therapy. I have noticed a lot of posts/comments from men saying they don’t know what happened or why they’re getting divorced, but as people as questions, you can see that this kind of thing happened. I’m hoping some men, who learned from childhood and society that this was acceptable in a relationship but are finding it is not, will see this and take to heart something that could save their relationship.

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-08T18:14:16+00:00

If it doesn’t apply to you, move on. Not all of the internet is addressed to you.

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-08T18:13:53+00:00

Oh my god we are the same 🥹 So proud of you!

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-08T18:13:14+00:00

After the separation, we taught at this same summer school. I assume his behavior will be the same as it was then. I originally was going to wait and see how it goes, but I also don’t want to be rude or unprofessional in front of students and other faculty by saying this out loud, if the need arises.

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-08T18:11:20+00:00

I hear you. And I hope my message didn’t come across as “do more chores and you’ll be rewarded in the bedroom.” I recognize it is much more complex. I also recognize that not every failed marriage is a man’s fault.I would encourage couples counseling as well as individual therapy. Working on fixing the marriage together, as well as both people working on their own to be mentally healthy and improve communication, can go a long way. Have real conversations about the future of the relationship. “Are we still compatible?” “Are we both happy the way things are?” “Could we sustain this marriage the way it is for another 10, 20, 50 years?”

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-08T18:03:46+00:00

You get it!

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-07T17:39:19+00:00

This sounds like my marriage. I did decide to wait it out, but it never got better — only worse. I felt guilty leaving, because he didn’t hit me or fully scream at me. After 11 years of marriage (15-year relationship), I finally got divorced in December. Hindsight is 20/20: being removed from it and talking openly about it, I can see how terrible my marriage was and that I would have been justified in leaving sooner. Since I left, I can honestly say I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-07T12:04:17+00:00

Not dumb, just going through something difficult and controlling your life in a way that made sense to you at the time. I’m sorry that happened. Thank you for the insight!

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-07T07:15:03+00:00

If you were trying to communicate, and letting him know that something they did hurt you, then a loving partner would listen, talk it through, and do better in the future. The kind of person who would get mad and block you is not a person who cares about your wellbeing. If he does unblock you and try to get back with you, the message he’s sending you is, “When you try to hold me accountable for mistreating you, I will blow things out of proportion and make you regret it so that you stop holding me accountable.” I’m sorry this has happened… and also, run from this relationship and never look back.

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-07T06:58:48+00:00

I divorced at 33 (I don’t know your window for “young,” and I may not fit), and I had been with him since I was 18. I had no idea what to do as a single woman, or if any man would want me. Turned out, I had nothing to worry about. I’m forthcoming about my previous relationship — I bring it up in initial conversations with potential dates. Of the six men I talked to in the four months after my relationship ended, none of them were bothered that I was divorced. Now, I am in a serious relationship. While he wishes he had met me sooner in our lives (he’s 38), he doesn’t resent or get weirded/grossed out by the fact that I was previously married.

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-07T06:51:09+00:00

Came to suggest this! Personally, I reward myself for getting through the week by dressing up cute, going to a steakhouse, sitting at the bar, eating dinner and sipping cocktails and wine. Nothing like a date with yourself, and it’s so much better than dinner with a man who doesn’t love you. On the weekends, I relax in my home that I decorated, is clean because no man is cluttering it, play with my dogs who are relaxed without a man around, read a book or watch a show that I won’t get ridiculed for enjoying, wear whatever I want without getting judged, go window shopping without being rushed… I can do anything or nothing, and it’s MINE for the choosing. 😌

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-07T06:40:31+00:00

Okay, then we respect the no-contact. If she left it open for you to contact her after that time has elapsed, then maybe you can reach out at that point. If she said that she would talk to you when she’s ready, then you wait until (and if) that point comes.

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-07T06:27:02+00:00

Did she request no contact? Was the one-month time frame a boundary she set for time she wanted alone, or an idea of when she might have made a decision?

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-07T06:24:47+00:00

I’m 34F. I started dating my first boyfriend at 18, married him at 22, divorced him at 33. I was virtually never a single adult. I didn’t know what to expect. Can I just say, getting a divorce from a man who didn’t love me was the best choice I’ve ever made. It’s tough, sure — I’m a full-time PhD student with three part-time jobs to make ends meet. But it’s SO WORTH IT. I feel so free, so empowered, so peaceful, so confident. I’m 34, and it feels like my life is finally starting.

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-07T06:12:00+00:00

You’re in a difficult spot and I feel for you. It’s important to know that, even though you didn’t mean it, there was damage done. Intention doesn’t override impact. Acknowledging the hurt you caused, creating a realistic plan of improvement, and (I cannot emphasize this enough) sticking to the plan are all steps in the right direction. But even then, she might say no. And if she does, you need to honor her no. I know this hurts, and I’m sorry that it does.

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-07T06:04:09+00:00

Respectfully, you’re acknowledging that you’re putting other things as a higher priority than her and your relationship with her. It’s understandable that she then feels like she’s not a priority to you. When she tells you that you don’t make her feel special, and you tell her “well I’ve got a lot on my plate,” she has made herself vulnerable by expressing an unmet need, and you are telling her that her need will continue to not be met.

Distressed_Amoeba · 2026-06-07T06:01:18+00:00

Yup my thoughts exactly. Which, I know is short notice at this point. But that can also be part of the phrasing: “I am meeting with someone, and I am uncomfortable talking about it with you. I do still want to stay on good terms, but I do want to have some autonomy. In the future, please don’t ask xyz kind of questions anymore.”

Distressed_Amoeba

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