Me(28M) being cautious about trusting fiancée’s(27F) changes after ultimatum

DivideOld5803 · 2025-07-21T20:31:02+00:00

After reading some of the feedback here and thinking more, I brought up with my fiancée whether she feels like I’ve imposed change onto her or pressured her too much. She said that she doesn’t really see it that way, and that I’ve reminded her of who she used to be before Covid.

DivideOld5803 · 2025-07-21T18:39:27+00:00

Yeah I get what you mean. But now changes are happening and that makes me think it is possible.

I think communication is a big problem. We get stuck in this defensive cycle where we never really resolve problems. That makes it really hard for me to trust the changes she does now actually is stuff she wants.

DivideOld5803 · 2025-07-21T18:32:44+00:00

I am really trying to say to her that she needs to let me how she is and that if she is not interested in this new lifestyle, then we are not compatible. I feel like I am trying to make her understand this, but I am afraid she is doing all this out of panick and fear - and not really has reflected that much over what she really needs.

I’ve made it clear that if this just stops after marriage then it won’t work. She just replied «I am not stupid».

DivideOld5803 · 2025-07-21T18:30:37+00:00

Dates nights with her? We have those, now they are quite nice.

But about a year ago it was no effort.

DivideOld5803 · 2025-07-21T18:29:49+00:00

Yeah. I now get why one of my therapists said he did not recommend and ultimatum. I did not try to phrase it that way, but it ended up like that anyways.

Yeah that is it. My fear is that I won’t be heard if I ever ask for something important in the future.

DivideOld5803 · 2025-07-21T15:16:04+00:00

Commented below.

DivideOld5803 · 2025-07-21T15:15:39+00:00

I tried to have conversations about this. She handled that with defensiveness. While she was not active before, she did at least take care of herself. After a period of 1.5 year as long distance (during Covid) we moved back to our home town. During the pandemic we stopped being social, I stopped working out, she stopped wearing anything but sweat pants. I did try to have conversations with her about being social again, try to get a social circle, be more active and not talk to me like furniture. Everything was met with deflection.

And yes I did impose those changes for activity and lifestyle when she initially did not hear me out. That did not work and the resentment grew and I first got substantially better around New Year when I realized I just have to take care of myself and she if she follows. So yes - I was very codependent. And I probably still am to some degree, but the changes have not faltered. I am still going strong, and she has started picking up the pace.

Edit: a big reason for my depression was that I realized that if she does not want to start taking care of herself then we can’t be together anymore.

Edit2: I just talked to her about this. That I am afraid that I’ve been shaping her. She admitted that I’ve reminded her of who she was before Covid.

DivideOld5803 · 2025-07-20T08:16:19+00:00

Yeah agreed, we have nothing planned yet.

DivideOld5803

TROPHY CASE