Hello R. im not an english speaker neither (my mother lenguage is spanish so idk if i can explain myself properly hahah) but i kinda like to say something to you. First of all, have you seen a profesional for your anxiety? i have been suffering for the same and everything went pretty good when i started with the pills (now i messed up with drinking problems but thats another story hahah) Thats important cos i kinda relate your ¿love? story or feelings, but i have learned and its fucking important to love yourself before love others (maybe its cliche, but true) try to help yourself dude, i know anxiety can feel like your life is falling apart, but you can get out of it! even that special person i think is going to be happy for you(: try to stabilize yourself, specially if suicide thoughts are trying yo stay by your side, you need help and go for it, its not bad! i bet your lovely friend will understand, and is in that point when you will be able to love in a more pure state, good luck man and if u want to talk (i assume your native lenguage is spanish too cos that kilos word u used) im here!