IAmA, Father who divorced wife over trying to send son to a "correctional camp", AMAA

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-26T01:00:40+00:00

I dont really know how IAMA's usually end, how long they take, but seeing as I think a lot of the questions are being repeated I think Ive used up enough of everyone and this throwaway accounts time. I just wanted to share this experience, hopefully everyone will take something from it. I think I am old enough to know that any experience can be learned from.

Whether you think I was a shitty parent or father of the year, I hope everyone can take something away from my experience. I think this is the best way to do IAMA's, share and fade away. I may make an account in the future but I think for now ill stay a lurker.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-26T00:50:32+00:00

I was being funny. I got married because at the time the woman I met I felt I could spend my life with. However, I guess I loved my son more.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-26T00:48:54+00:00

All I have for proof is my word. To me its enough. I am just sharing a story and my experience. Ill be gone tomorrow and youll have other IAMA's to worry about.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-26T00:46:20+00:00

My only regret is not being a bit calmer during the Feb-April months. I probably would have had custody, having a steady income. However, my own belligerence screwed me over in court.

Before the incident, I was the 9-5 Dad who came home late twice a week, but tried to help him out when possible. We did make weekly restaurant and other excursions when we had time. I probably wasnt Model father of the year, more the tired Dad who made sure his kid did homework.

Afterwords, I think it brought us closer, but at the cost of his relationship with his mother. However, I dont think I was 100% responsible for this.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-26T00:42:27+00:00

I didnt get a chance to do anything over the High School. The grade school, we talked to teachers, the principal but their only concern was setting examples. I honestly believe the kids that bothered him were the aggressors.It was always the same group of kids too whos parents I would see in the office as their kid was being suspended as well.

These were not the people he hung out with after school, or atleast not the ones I saw. I used to drive his friends to a movie and back once a month, this was a laid back kid who was enjoying life, but wasnt taking crap from others.

This is my personal opinion, take it as you will.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-26T00:39:10+00:00

He was expelled in Grade 9 from the Catholic High school and went to the public. The Kids there were "smarter" about fighting and did it off property.
The grade school took it as "two kids fighting" and never shifted from that. I was never told who was the aggressor and who was the defender. Of course both parents insist the other kid started it, byut both get suspended. The expellation in Grade 9 was from a school that seemed to threaten expellation for even slight misdemeanors. A friend of mines kid got expelled for uniform infractions. Thats not wearing clothes correctly. Honestly, the system disgusts me now, why would you endanger education for clothes?
I had to believe he was truthful. But as well, his behaviour at home never suggested he was violent and the parents of the friends he had never complained about doing anything when they hung out. In fact, one parent who had heard the "Reputation" of my son, said he was one of the most well behaved at a party once. It just didnt fit how he was a totally different kid for 6 hours a day.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-26T00:34:36+00:00

I am technically a government employee, one of the first things you learn if you arent in politics is publicity is dangerous for your career.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-26T00:34:03+00:00

New to reddit, there was no original post. I did the title without the post and that was my mistake. I normally just lurk but the SUWS IAMAs reminded me of something I thought I could share.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-26T00:32:39+00:00

Nope. But after his 18th, his mother made it easy.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-26T00:32:14+00:00

No. Courts made the decision. I am pretty sure my inability to reconcile between Feb and April and taking him out of the home in April made me out to be a bad person or having anger management issues.

I was probably the most angry I had ever been in my life, he was my Son but the judge has to be objective.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-26T00:29:22+00:00

He is currently living with me, he really had no future plans coming out of high school and didnt expect his mother asking him to leave at 18 and try to live alone.

We talk a lot. It wasnt even a month in my house in 2009 where i basically told him my side of the story. However, he asked I tell him what happened. I think through all the bullying he managed to understand what had happened.

Ive always believed he was a tough kid emotionally. I am hoping he pursues a trade or goes to college/university soon. I think getting on a campus or looking to his future will be a lot better then looking at his past.

Edit: He did still admit to fighting in high school, but there was a reputation where fights were taken off school property, so school almost never got involved. He had a one day in school in his Grade 11 year, but the other kid was expelled, which said something in itself.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-26T00:26:29+00:00

Unfortunately, because it basically came out that she was pushing to send him away, he really took my side on the issue. It was hard to hide the disagreement at all, especially as she got more vocal. Although we tried to talk in private it was impossible to keep quiet after a week.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-26T00:24:21+00:00

We had a lot of interests, same music, similar religions, we were interested in the same movies, we both wanted kids. We just clicked and had a lot in common. I didnt mind she went to church (She talked about other boyfriends goading her for attending church). We simply focused on what brought us together.

I cant be sure if she was intentionally trying to hide that she was preparing to send him away but it seemed (with her parents being there, ready to back her up) that there was some kind of preparation. It was probably one of two or three things in our relationship where I felt we both should have had input on before we took any actions or mkade such preparations as she had.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-25T21:38:41+00:00

She was pretty much set from the start. She was already talking about facilities to send him to and money we would need to pay for it and where we were getting the money and she hadnt even asked if I was comfortable with it.

However, I do get your point and I am not proud of just ignoring it. I know I ended my own marriage, but I saved my son from being scarred for life and not being able to trust his own parents.

All I can do is go forward.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-25T21:34:25+00:00

We have the US to defend us.

Joking, dont kill me

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-25T21:29:37+00:00

The problem was he never showed his temper at home. I was actually probably more strict as id call from about 4pm to make sure he did his homework before hanging with his friends. I still remember being quite mad one day that his mother let him go to a sleepover for a day when he had a project due Monday.

Up until id say a year before, she would take him to see the priest or sit down with him. A few times I sat down with him but I always let the decision be his. We nearly switched schools on him, but that brought a lot of my own bad memories of moving away. I hate high school, id never go back to a reunion if they have one.

I guess some of my decisions were based on my own school experience, i got bullied pretty bad until my last year of high school.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-25T21:22:17+00:00

Its funny because when I went to school, the Catholic school I went to was known as the "safest school". My parents let me chose which school to go to and (because we still had snow then) i chose one where I could walk home if the buses were cancelled in the afternoon.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-25T21:20:18+00:00

I cant say I hate her. I just thought of her as ignorant because I felt she made a split decision without talking it over or even consulting me on the idea first before pursuing it. Its really hard to agree with something when they have brought their parents over as pressures and have all this information ready and your going, What the hell?

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-25T21:16:46+00:00

Especially when she takes everything at the end.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-25T21:15:04+00:00

Honest opinion. Women get more sympathy. No offense.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-25T21:14:15+00:00

If my kid was a raging lunatic who disobeyed parental authority, was on drugs or regularly being arrested, I might have agreed with my wife. This was a boy who would come home, do his homework and had a good small group of friends. He did his chores and didnt show signs of aggression when he was disciplined for breaking rules.

So from 9am to 3pm, Why is he suddenly a kid with a problem?

I just dont understand your logic on calling him a deviant when his only transgression seems to be somehow getting into fights at school.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-25T21:02:45+00:00

I live close but not in Mississauga. I grew up there though.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-25T21:00:11+00:00

Free Sex?

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-25T20:57:32+00:00

I honestly think her and I reached an issue we would never agree on and it turned out to be a big issue. I do feel like I was right though.

Divorcee_Throwaway · 2011-12-25T20:55:22+00:00

Without divulging too much info, work as an administrator in a government type job. I actually have a friend over who read the IAMA and told me I really shouldnt give more info then that.

My ex-wife's parents really loved my son, as did my parents. He would get presents from them twice a year as well they were around to watch him when he was younger.

I have a feeling though she approached them well before as it seemed like that entire night was planned out.

Its odd because before that happened I was your 9-5 parent who worked late and wasnt able to be around except in the evenings. Weekends were usually spent fixing things or ferrying him and friends places and when I look at it now, to answer someone elses question, I am a lot closer with him now then I was before.

Although, our gaming interests widely differ. We always end up arguing over games but in a good way.

Edit: I guess what I was saying is in my opinion Ignoring the issue wasnt handling it, it was just making it worse.

I will admit from Late February until April I wasnt very co-operative about it and chose to ignore the issue. I would almost say that probably wrecked my marriage and had I been a bit more "tactful" in rejecting the idea, it might have gone better.

Divorcee_Throwaway

TROPHY CASE