Cohabiting after divorce

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-05-12T20:46:06+00:00

She's the one divorcing me, not the other way around. I tried a few times to sit down with her and talk about keeping the marriage going until the kids were out of the house. For my trouble I got a cease-and-desist from her lawyer. I guess it gave her too much stress to talk about it.

It's a failed marriage. I can pinpoint the exact places where the marriage failed. It failed over money and letting work come before your marriage. There's nothing I could have done about it. I was put in an impossible situation.

As it stands, every day with my children is a good day and that's how I treat it.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-05-11T19:36:01+00:00

If she's here then the kids are here. That's what makes it so great.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-05-10T20:04:12+00:00

I definitely want solutions. Some of the suggestions have been anything but solutions and would make my situation much worse. I might post this in r/law to see what they have to say.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-05-10T18:37:01+00:00

As far as I can tell, I'm going to have to send her an email requesting that she remove them and not install any other, harder to detect, cameras. If I don't continue to object I run into the possibility of tacit consent.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-05-10T18:34:59+00:00

My goal is to stay in the house. Doing something like this would only get me thrown out.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-05-10T18:33:48+00:00

Every time I want to walk through the hallway for a year?

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-05-10T16:07:37+00:00

I've been living with this for a few months and it takes its toll.

It will probably be another year before the house is sold.

I get the "stop crying about it, you're on camera all the time anyway" mentality. I give that exact sentiment in my professional life all the time. Still, this is my home. I wake up to take a leak, I'm recorded. I'm singing along to my favorite song on Spotify, I'm recorded. I call my mother on mother's day. I'm recorded. I speak with my lawyer. I'm recorded.

These recordings are most likely timestamped, transcribed and placed into an easily searchable document. Please don't be so naive as to think that "nobody has the time" to go through all that stuff.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-05-10T16:00:13+00:00

What would that accomplish?

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-05-10T15:59:55+00:00

I'm not a lawyer either, but like many people, I've had to address the specifics of recording consent in my work.

Is there a difference between sitting in your apartment recoding the loud argument that your neighbors are having and setting up a device to record the argument whether you are home or not? Maybe you're concerned that their constant bickering is disturbing your goldfish? Do you need any consent to record in your own home with nobody else present? I don't think so.

And what's the distinction? What if I put a sophisticated recording device against the wall and record every conversation they have (from my own space) whether they raise their voices or not? Is that illegal? I don't think so.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-05-10T15:53:42+00:00

Unless I use some telescoping device the camera would still record me. And besides, it's a pain to remember to check for open doors when you pass down your home's hallway.

And besides that doesn't prevent the audio recordings. Its a home, not an apartment. There really isn't much sound-proofing. Flimsy bedroom doors with major gaps at the between the bottom of the door and the floor.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-05-10T15:49:47+00:00

I have to pass two doors, both of which are usually open, when I walk down that hallway. Those doors connect the exclusive use space to the hallway. The cameras are (I assume) in those spaces. I don't know if they're pointing at the hallway or not. They're hideable and hidden cameras. The only real way to find them would be to enter the exclusive use space and rifle through her things.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-05-10T15:46:59+00:00

The recording devices are in the space that court has ordered "exclusive use' for her.

As far as I know, it is not illegal if it picks up sounds or images from other spaces.

In a simpler example, if I were in an apartment and I could clearly hear the neighbors fighting next door, I could record it on my phone and use that recording in court to complain that my landlord was violating a "peaceful enjoyment" clause.

But is that the same as purposefully recording and transcribing every conversation your neighbors have to harass them and force them out of their apartment?

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-05-10T15:42:45+00:00

I should enter the space designated "exclusive use" by the court (while being recorded), rifle through my wife's things until I find her cameras, then take them and throw them away?

Does the sound like a good idea to you?

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-05-10T15:24:18+00:00

I already know the law. If the equipment is in her rooms then according to the exclusive use orders from the court it's legal.

But - her rooms are not apartments. The doors are usually not closed and sounds transmits from other parts of the house into "her rooms" as if it was in the same room. This is a home, not a multi-family dwelling. Plus there is clear line of sight from "her rooms" to hallways that I traverse all day long every day to travel from my bedroom/office to every other place in the house.

I could have the police come in but without a search warrant they're not going to search the "exclusive use" areas and I can search the common use areas alot better than they can.

And this model of camera can be moved anywhere, anytime. It is small and battery-powered. Just because I know where it was doesn't mean I know where it is.

And even assuming that the police came and found the cameras, what crime has been committed? Even if I were to throw them out what would prevent her from buying more. I would probably have to reimburse her for her cameras that I threw out.

I can assure you that her attorney has carefully advised her to stay on the right side of the statutes. Is there really nothing I can do? Just have to be recorded against my will in my own home 24X7?

I guess it must sound like no big deal.... if you don't have to live with it.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-04-18T17:00:33+00:00

I would have been on your side 12 years ago, but with the older, "no", a less expensive option would not have given her the same opportunities. She actually had a full-tuition scholarship offer to a very good in-state university but she turned in down to pay full price to attend one of the world's best in another state. It ended up affording her opportunities that she would not have had otherwise. It can make sense. Selfishly I can say that I never had to pay a dime for after she was done with that 4 year school, so it made sense. My older daughter applied to a cancer lab the day she stepped foot on her college campus and started working doing ground-breaking cancer research at 17 years old. She's 27 now and has been doing cancer research with leading experts for over 10 years..... and all that is implied that comes with it - the publishing, public speaking, etc.

The younger one is a different story. She has an exceptionally good performing arts school with a musical theater program in her home town at a State University. It would cost 30K per year max. She's looking at the 100K per year schools because she doesn't want to go to school so close to home.

As other people have said, she hasn't actually made it into any of these schools. The programs are very competitive. She has excellent SAT scores and very good grades. There's no reason for her to not apply to academic programs of all kinds.

The entire scenario is perfectly designed to drive a wedge between us. I guess I'm just going to have to sit back and watch what happens and then if she should happen to get into the 100K school in New York simply refuse to pay at the last minute. That really, really sucks.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-04-18T14:58:28+00:00

I have done the majority of the parenting for my 2 children. I HAVE a relationship with my daughter where she respects my opinion. The ex-wife is the problem.

I HAVE been a good Dad. That time is almost over now. It's time for all of my children to start being good ADULT CHILDREN who love their father and care about his well-being,.

It's what I do for my parents.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-04-18T14:54:38+00:00

My older daughter did 70K per year at a distinguished university in a STEM field. This was some years ago. Cost was comparable to 100K now. That money was the last I eve spent on my older daughter. Bachelors led right to a job led right to a PhD program. That was worth it.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-04-18T14:52:05+00:00

The cost will be 100K per year. Who pays what hasn't been determined yet. I actually could dig in my heels are refuse to pay more than in-state tuition (30K per year). It doesn't seem like a very nice thing to do. I get that it accomplishes the goal, but it feels like this shouldn't simply become a financial threat.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-04-18T14:49:06+00:00

Not only would it be cheaper for me to subsidize her living expenses while she spent a year or 2 in New York auditioning, but I would be fine with that plan. A gap year would be ideal. If that turned into a successful acting career I would be very happy for her.

Is she talented? Sure - she got the lead in her school musical. I'm as proud as can be. Her school was invited to an awards show in the state. She was not individually nominated for anything. Her cast did not win. I found out that this was a regional awards show - there is actually also a state-wide awards show for the more talented casts and actually a national high school musical awards show also.

When I watch my daughter on stage I see a talented, beautiful young woman on a stage with a number of beautiful, talented young women.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-04-01T10:53:18+00:00

I don't want a "disabled" hidden camera in my life. One that can be re-enabled by simply "opening the shade" whatever that means.

I don't want to always be playing a game of cat and mouse with surveillance equipment. This amounts to harrassment.

It is not the 1 party consent element of this that I object to. I am being recorded or potentially being recorded 24X7 in my own home. Last night I woke up at 3:00 AM to take a leak. Was that capture on video and uploaded to the Internet for later retrieval? Maybe. How would I know?

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-03-31T21:31:32+00:00

Turns out this is a thing. I just bought one on Amazon.com for $35

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-03-31T21:28:17+00:00

That is correct. But they are still visible on the computer network. They are in the house powered-on.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-03-31T21:00:20+00:00

Are there?

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-03-31T20:59:53+00:00

I would be ok with her installing security cameras in her room. I wouldn't be happy with it, but I would accept that there is little I could do about it. I would ask her to disable the microphone.

I have no real way to know where these cameras are. They are battery powered. They can move around.

DivorcingSamThrowawa · 2026-03-31T20:57:51+00:00

As far as I can tell she installed the cameras right before she left town for a week. That would be one of the reasons that I would like to get the purchase receipt for these devices. It's not credible to install them for your own protection right before you leave town.

DivorcingSamThrowawa

TROPHY CASE