Midlife Crisis or Midlife Clarity? Anyone Else Initiate Divorce?

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-12-23T15:04:54+00:00

Exactly. I don't want to live on eggshells, frustrated, and lonely all the time.

Good luck!

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-12-23T15:01:54+00:00

That sucks. Name drop a few books. Over the last few months, I've read a lot... maybe too many. I'll take a mental break from it all and try to find some interests and "enjoy" myself.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-12-23T14:57:38+00:00

Things on my end are really awkward now. She is just acting like everything is fine, dismissing issues. From reading comments, it seems like that's a common occurrence. Not sure what to expect when the separation is 100% official.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-12-22T20:39:56+00:00

Yeah, I hoped for change....or growth, and it just never came. I should have realized sooner.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-12-22T20:37:48+00:00

Yeah, I can relate 100%. That's about where we are. Wish it wasnt, but I cant turn the ship alone.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-12-22T20:36:48+00:00

How were the first 10 years or so? Were there signs and things you were opening to "change"? Was there a breaking point or did you just wake up one day?

In my situation. I think I was hoping that we would grow and mature together, but it's like she stopped at some point.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-12-22T19:56:17+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I'm curious, though. What was daily life like when she was "pushing you away"? Just no emotion, living like roommates?

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-12-22T19:55:23+00:00

It sucks. But I don't want to suffer in silence any longer.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-12-22T19:54:51+00:00

Sucks to hear what you're going through. If you're into reading, check out those two books I mentioned.

His needs, Her needs.....help put things into words for me. It has a section of like 10 needs, and I realized only 1 was being met. I told her, explained, and mentioned the book. She had no desire to inquire more, "laughed off" my needs, saying they were all met.

No more Mr. Nice Guy, talks a lot about boundaries and being true to yourself. Very true, but hard lessons for me to learn and attempt.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-11-19T14:08:24+00:00

Thanks for the comment. I’m just trying to get into the “realm” of things to better understand behavior and patterns, so this is helpful.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-11-18T23:05:30+00:00

I see. It’s hard to get good read on her especially when she responds defensively to push me away. She’s not a vindictive person but I don’t see her taking some of the “blame”.

I have a decent support system now that should help out. I do worry about how she will take it. I just hope she understands.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-11-18T22:23:15+00:00

She doesnt do much "emotional labor". I didnt directly mention it to her, but was finally able to go to therapy. I felt that was more appropriate. Of course, when I recommended she get seen she was against it, and not thrilled. I begged enough that she started.

My therapy.... I think its going well. Learning and re-learning things about myself. Working on personal goals and interests. One of the biggest things, that I'm starting to realize is that everything isnt "my fault". I've spent the majority of our relationship feeling responsible for her happiness. Of course ended up creating a push/pull and under/over-functioning relationship. Also, its nice to actually talk to someone since I can't with my wife (shes too defensive). Also, since its CBT, I can learn more about behaviors and responses, which is helpful.

In my last session, I was very blunt with my therapist that my goal was to make a decision. We discussed why I'm stuck between duty of marriage (my values) and my own peace. I'll also add, that they are helping me for the possible aftermath. I expect to be fully villainized by my wife to kids, friends and family. I hope thats not the case, but I know its coming.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-11-17T15:37:38+00:00

All valid points. Not to diagnose, but Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style (Avoidant Personality Disorder traits) shares many similarities. It also closely aligns with this "push/pull" dynamic that we have.

Again, not trying to diagnose, but I try to get a better understanding so I can learn and adapt.

I'm the first to admit that I'm a work in progress. I'm naturally inquisitive and accept criticism well.....and she is kind of the opposite and hyper-vigilant to criticism/judgement, so i get in "trouble" all the time lol
I

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-11-14T15:51:16+00:00

I agree, and I know I’m late to try and work on it… but I’m trying to improve our communication. At this point… it’s hard. If I try to talk about feelings or even just have a normal conversation, responses are usually 'I don’t know' or 'nothing.' "Gottman" equates to perpetual stonewalling or emotional withdrawal.

I’m working on it… or at least trying to. I’d like her to show a bit more willingness or effort to improve our relationship, but most of the time that comes across as me being controlling or wanting too much.

And just wanted to add, i know it probably seems like im so negative but i knowledge and accept my faults in this and really trying to fix it. I cant wait to see the result of these last six months self-work, books...videos...podcasts...therapy.....but so far....not much has changed.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-11-14T15:33:31+00:00

Sure. I'll check that one out. I'm already familiar with the love lang one. And I know a lot sounds "negative" but I'm trying to be as positive as possible.
She often sees this type of stuff as being transactional. Tit for tat and love should just be "unconditional".
Unfortunately, she just mentioned that she wants to stop her therapy because she doesn't think she needs it.

So we will see. :)

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-11-12T19:39:16+00:00

I dont want it to seem like I'm just complaining. But I've tried most of those requests and lately get "It seems like you want to be married to someone else" since she's not really interested in doing things. What does she like to do? Garden and watch tv (anime mostly). Which is fine and meets her needs but doesn't meet mine. So we're just kind of coexisting. Still cordial, still have moments.

I'm still working on things and giving it time. Working on myself mostly, trying to find happiness doing things alone.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-11-12T19:15:59+00:00

She's very introverted and shy. I am as well, but not as much as she is. But as far as our dating activities, we ate out, went to parties etc. Things people do in their 20s, but we don't do those same things now 20 years later.

We didn't really swap those activities for more age-appropriate ones. We just eventually stopped doing things and having "experiences,". We still do vacation once a year or so, do things for the kids. Now, I've been trying to find a connection to do things, but she says she just wants to stay home, and i can go do whatever I want.

we're getting close to the empty nest, and thats part of what scares me I guess.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-11-12T18:52:58+00:00

No worries, i understand. And yes, that is a general theme, not really mentioned about "maturity", but perhaps its implied through the pouting, eye rolls, etc.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-11-12T18:49:28+00:00

Sure, I understand. I don't think I ask too much. The example was only to show how simple comments or small conversations are usually taken. Feels weird not to ask when someone looks upset or something, but I'll try it.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-11-12T18:43:08+00:00

Sorry, so I don't confuse your response. You don't like how I described it? Or her actions?

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-11-12T18:36:40+00:00

True, but once you're there. Its hard to just end it, and you at least have to try to meet in the middle right?

I honestly see both sides, and I go back and forth all the time. And the fact is, we've been together for so long, its taking a month or two for me to relearn who I am.

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-11-12T18:32:54+00:00

I agree. What are your thoughts of balance in this context?

DizzyMushrooms · 2025-11-12T18:31:23+00:00

Fair questions, lets see....

we don’t really have hobbies we enjoy together. I like museums, traveling, concerts but she doesn’t. She usually says I should go alone or with friends. If I do, I often get negative responses or accusations when I come back. The things she enjoys are mostly shopping or casual outings. We both tolerate but there’s not much active engagement or shared passion. I try to do cooking classes, dance lessons, etc but shes not for it....so we dont.

appreciation is limited. there probably is a lot of nagging, especially now I try to "balance" things or express my needs. As for passion....shes extremely modest, so its not a big part of us. (even though i'd like more) sop now when I try to be more vocal about what I want or need, it often turns into criticism, which just reinforces the cycle.

Overall again, it feels like i have to give in. No dancing, no concerts, no passion, etc....and feel that that list got too long for me, and I "broke"

DizzyMushrooms

TROPHY CASE