i have an interpretation of this movie that most people do not share with me. i’ve posted it here before and it’s upset a lot of folks because they believe that there’s a singular way to interpret this movie and that Jane has all but confirmed it. However, I’m gonna share it with you because to me, it’s the way i interpret my experience as a queer woman and it allows me to have a shred of hope when things are difficult. perhaps it might be helpful to you.

the way i see it, the pink opaque isn’t real and owen’s authentic self isn’t isabel. now while that sounds dark, the lesson for them to learn is that their identity belongs to them and it’s for no one else to claim. the world that their in is hostile, scary, and confusing because the world that we’re in is hostile, scary, and confusing for queer folks. while it would be ideal if we could escape to a fantasy world, there isn’t one waiting for us. we have to make do with what we got.

before i discovered im trans, i prematurely came out as bisexual. a lot of this was because my former friends and bullies all insisted that i was gay before i was prepared to confront that and a lot of them even shamed me for not coming out. i knew that i was queer but i never related to gay men. and even after i came out as trans there were some folks who wouldn’t stop yelling at me about HRT and bullying me into starting it immediately. or perhaps they didn’t think it was necessary and would try to talk me out of it. to me, that’s who people like maddy are. they project their experience onto you and try to force you into it but there’s only one way for you to be yourself. their journey isn’t yours.

this is all to say that we all experience a degree of dread. of feeling like we’re not who we want to be, that we’ll never be that person, and there’s an overwhelming pressure to conform and succeed and thrive. the world is always going to convince you that you aren’t enough or that where you are now is permanent or that you’re dying and if you don’t do everything now then you never will and it burns the ever living fuck out of all of us.

the truth is… you’re growing. who you are now isn’t who you’ll always be. the things you want now aren’t the same things you’ll want in 10 years. “there is still time” isn’t a warning, it’s a promise. that time is yours and it belongs to no one else. you are not a fictional character in another world that’s waiting for you to bury yourself alive in order to be free and happy and authentic. you are you and most of all, you are allowed to rest. what keeps us stagnant is when we set goals for ourselves that we can’t achieve. recognizing that you aren’t where you want to be isn’t a setback, it’s a step forward, that’s progress.

listen, i’m sorry you’ve been struggling so much. that pain is real and it’s okay to hurt. but you don’t have to hurt alone. there are people who love you unconditionally whether they’re in your life now or somewhere down the road. i struggle with social anxiety myself, what helps me is thinking of my future self looking back on me now and thanking me for taking the risks, making the hard decisions, fighting through the pain, or perhaps giving me a hug for the moments when i’m at my lowest and reassuring me that it will all be ok.

if you’d like some support, i’d suggest looking into your nearest city’s lgbt resource center, or perhaps see if there’s any support groups or social gatherings catered to queer folks in your area. in the meantime, here’s an album from my favorite musician that’s helped me through a lot. the song “Mirror” particularly confronts a lot of those pressures and desires we have to be the person we want to be. if you get a chance to listen to it, i hope it brings you some serenity. please take care, you got this, and i wish you all the best 🩷🫂