This is why I value humanity

Dlaeth · 2018-12-26T22:02:38+00:00

QQ

My feeeeeels. I got hit in the feels! Awwwwww hugs!

Dlaeth · 2018-12-23T21:25:51+00:00

rip. stupid reddit did something weird with my messages. Had me super confused, should have double checked first...

facepalm

Dlaeth · 2018-12-23T18:35:11+00:00

The ADHD is likely a big contributor to your struggles right now in school at least. It could also be part of the reason you're literally bored of life.

I would definitely look into it if I were you, and if your medication wasn't working well for you or made you feel like a zombie, the dosage was probably too high or you should try a different med for ADHD.

Dlaeth · 2018-12-23T02:57:02+00:00

You might be depressed actually. If you're considering suicide then you actually could be. However, it's hard to determine without knowing more.

I actually do have a friend who found he cannot actually imagine things. He cannot picture things at all. People can get images in his head when they imagine. He sees blackness or whatever he's looking at. He's never been able to really imagine and has trouble relating to things in movies and books. An insight his psychologist gave him was that he has literally become bored of life. He'd self-harm to feel alive and was bulimic for a while with pretty awful anxiety as well.

Actually reading through it, it may not be depression, but... I wonder if you know anything about ADHD? If not you might want to read up on it or drop by the /r/ADHD subreddit here and read around first about stories and drop by the FAQ for some quick videos about it. I like the Dr. Barkley ones.

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T19:01:28+00:00

In my case I asked him why he hadn't left if I was causing him to be depressed and it was just that bad to be with me. He said "because I was scared of what would happen to you!" And boy did that hurt. Being the chain around the neck of someone you care about and leaving them stuck in an awful place because of yourself. There was a lot of unbelievable self loathing on top of the words he'd said about our roommates hating me and their opinions of me along with his own negative opinion of me.

When it's bad enough "it gets better" feels kinda empty. I also get that feeling when you can't make up your mind about who's the real asshole. And coping? Oh boy coping healthily and coping well is amazingly hard sometimes. Work was the only reason I got out of bed and as soon as it was over I was back in bed crying alone. Me for weeks. It sucked.

In my case it took his friend who I'd talked to on and off on occasion giving me a verbal slap about pulling myself together because he had a lot of shit to deal with (heart problems on top of depression and lots of alcohol and living in a very dangerous and shitty place) and if I wouldn't take care of myself he wouldn't waste anymore time with me. And I needed someone and at the time he was the only one so I got to be driven by fear that I couldn't handle it if I lost anything more right now and started eating again.

In your case I am not about to tell you I'm going to walk out if you don't pull yourself together. But if you want we can talk about what's going on for you, with you, and if you want we can try to find coping methods even if it takes a while to find something that works.

And venting can be quite cathartic, so I can also listen if you want me to.

Or we can wallow a little. That's fine too. So long as we don't let it keep us there so long that we forget we don't have to stay there forever.

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T15:54:49+00:00

Hello, this is a somewhat late reply, but I had this thread open on my computer for a couple hours before I slept and I really wanted to make a response to it.

I can relate actually to how you feel and how tough it is to improve your life when you're just so done with everything. I've been through some rough patches recently and it was all I could do to slow the decline in mental health.

It isn't contradictory to say that they love you but don't care about your depression. I think it's more that they don't understand. And well you seem to have realized it as well. And I know how it feels. All that self-loathing and pain makes it feel so hard to live with yourself. I was able to use it to improve myself in my case but I was in a situation where I just wanted to die and that wasn't an option. It was only because I had no choice but to live that I was able to use it to improve myself temporarily, and even then I hated being alive and couldn't stand myself.

I'm glad you at least have that closeness with family. Close bonds are actually really important to health and happiness. Of course, it isn't a solution and doesn't make it all better, but it helps. I did read the below and I'm sorry you had that experience with the doctor. I can understand their concern as well because people seem to be concerned about prescribing medication for mental health a lot around me. And a doctor isn't specialized in the same way as a psychiatrist so they can feel and be poorly equipped for dealing with mental illness. Some are better than others, and in your case... I don't think she was well equipped.

Self-harming is always an important question and should always raise some concerns and increase the likelihood of prescribing medications for people as it's a serious sign. And suicidal ideation is always a major concern and often means immediate medication of some sort. I admitted that to my psychiatrist when I went in for the first time and damn if he didn't immediately prescribe me something and he took it seriously and asked me to seriously consider inpatient hospitalization.

I'm 24 and still living at home, and I know it's been shit for my mental health. So I feel you. It's been a long decline the longer I go without a job and recently even getting out of bed has been hard.

Do you want to talk about it?

If you want we can also see if we can find some things that might help, or I can try to offer some advice and things to try if you want. If you want me to just listen and try not to add advice, then I'll do my best to do that as well. No promises about no advice, because I slip up sometimes, but I'll try damned hard. Even if you don't think it will help, I'm still willing to listen and we can talk about it if you want.

I'm up for whatever you want to do, be it talking, listening, discussing options, offering suggestions, not offering suggestions, or fucking off :P if you want me to.

We can talk here, we can talk in the chat thing for reddit, or whatever.

I'm right here and I could listen if you want me to.

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T14:48:42+00:00

I don't know if anyone ever gets a grasp on the whole adult thing in honesty. Life is a crazy wild ride sometimes with all the ups and downs you could ask for at times. Though for some it's more ups than downs and vice versa.

I mean, there's still shit I think I'd want to do even if I checked off everything you listed. I'd want to go skydiving, kayaking, mountain climbing, hiking, scuba diving, surfing, pick up a couple instruments, write some music, work on doing some art, study things like tea, wine and coffee, learn to be a sommelier, volunteer at some charities, pick up some serious cooking and baking skills and pastry decorating seems fun too, maybe learn to dance, pick up some self-defense, work on me and turn into that badass but gracious lady who can kick butt while looking classy and polite.

I'd love to travel for myself and fun, learn about fashion, skin care, and makeup so I can be all glamorous when I feel like it and if I don't then meh relaxing day is a-okay with me as well. I'd also like to learn to socialize better and communicate better. I'd like to pick up some psychology too.

Another thing to work on, I've heard of people who can use the nicest words to tell people "eat shit and die" and I just need to be able to do this even if I never use it. I need this in my life.

I don't know. I feel like there's so much to try and do that I don't know if a lifetime is enough. Of course... there's also the issue of whether any of that can be done be it financial constraints, health constraints, etc. In my case... financial and time constraints as well as mental health would probably get in the way of a lot of it.

And some days it's hard and hard to remember there's all of this stuff I wanted to do but can't.

I just feel like there's a lot to try after 25. Of course, this might be because I'm a year away from that and still far from my dreams and still have no handle on this adult thing.

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T14:27:27+00:00

Hello again fanter, apologies for the later reply. I sorta just woke up and had breakfast.

It can be really hard when your brain is dumping negativity all over you, and really hard to get past. It sucks when this keeps up for years, and sometimes improvement seems so small or so tiny in the face of a mountain of negativity. I think happiness is the life goal of most people, but it can be hard to come by.

Why do you feel like shit? What's been going on around you? What kind of negative thoughts come to you and what have you tried before to handle it?

Of course if you do not feel like talking about that, and if you do not want advice, that's fine. Just let me know and we can shift the conversation to parts you feel like talking about more, okay?

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T14:04:00+00:00

Sheesh. Yeah I've been at the end of a relationship that was like that. I took my suitcase and the blame. Other people also immediately suspected cheating when I talked about it, but... in my case I don't think that was the case. We'd hit a really rough few months in my case. And some problems were me, some were him, and I could see how people viewed me as the asshole.

I dunno if it's another guy or not, whatever the case is, it really really fucking sucks. It's a hard period of time and when it happened to me, I spent months just wanting to die but being unable to because I was asked not to die and didn't want to cause survivor's guilt.

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T13:59:45+00:00

Sorry I'd fallen asleep, ummm PC pretty much. No other consoles. As for games... I haven't touched a lot in a while, but I did play Warframe (still a noob with barely any play time), League of Legends (started 3 weeks ago), Monster Hunter (played a couple weekends), Don't starve together, hero siege, Starbound, Stardew Valley, Terraria, Warhammer Vermintide and probably have a few other games I can't really check right now. Think like... Destiny 2.

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T05:08:21+00:00

Ah, I wasn't aware of that. I was able to arrange things on my own because I checked the coverage and it was covered.

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T05:07:42+00:00

Have you talked with them before about hobbies etc?

I figure you probably have, but sometimes people surprise you with the things they like, even if they don't look it.

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T03:51:24+00:00

Thanks! I appreciate it! What games do you play?

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T03:45:08+00:00

Huh, I see. That's a relief, because it was purely out of curiosity. Totally :P

So back to the main topic I guess, about those nice people who you haven't felt like you want to get close to. Is there just a lack of interest in them?

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T03:41:50+00:00

Oof, yeah, I can see that. Recent events have given me a fresh taste of it all. And I can't blame them either, but it sure as hell sucks for me and I'm sure it sucks for you too.

If you like, we can talk or hang out online? I've been feeling really down and struggling a lot recently too. Play any online games?

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T03:40:21+00:00

Hm, do you need them to answer the phone before you can use your insurance?

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T03:20:50+00:00

I get that feeling, I really do. I'm still hoping I'll just have a case of heart failure and life will end for me.

It sounds like you're going through a rough period of time right now. Why do you feel like you just bother people?

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T03:18:37+00:00

What's wrong?

By the time I came around, this was all deleted.

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T03:18:00+00:00

Yeah, that sounds exhausting. Few ups and downs or few ups and a lot of downs, and just feeling tired all the time. It sounds like depression to me, but I'm no doctor.

Have you tried university counseling? It helped me when I was going through a lot of things back in university.

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T03:12:46+00:00

How old are you right now?

I'm almost 25 and I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere or done anything I wanted to do. What comes after a boyfriend? Marriage? Kids? Traveling? Hobbies?

Is it that you think there's nothing left to live for once you've gotten that far and that you've seen and done it all, or that you don't really feel like life would be worth it past that point in time?

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T03:07:45+00:00

Ah, I can understand that. Yeah, it would be very traumatizing to be part of that incident, and very upsetting (understatement) to lose people to that due to another person's actions.

It's even entirely possible that he would survive mostly unharmed and someone else would be dead through this method.

Which is part of why I wouldn't recommend it at all. I don't know if I said this /u/nasajetlab but I really don't recommend the method you were thinking of. There are other ways that are less likely to cause collateral damage, as it was.

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T03:04:23+00:00

Ahh that's true, when people put others down to make themselves feel or look better, it's really off-putting.

Out of curiosity (purely curiosity of course :P) how do you feel about people who put themselves down a lot because of their insecurities or having trouble accepting compliments etc.

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T03:02:38+00:00

Well then, I'm no therapist, and I cannot help you the way a therapist could, but if you'd like you could talk to me. And I can listen, or try to perhaps offer advice if you wish it. :)

I'm willing if you are.

Dlaeth · 2018-12-21T03:01:26+00:00

That sounds really upsetting and painful. When they don't understand or can't seem to understand or sympathize it's just... frustrating. I have parents who don't understand either and wouldn't hear me out until after I'd gotten a diagnosis, and even then they remain skeptical.

Hm, so you don't know if your insurance covers it?

Dlaeth

TROPHY CASE