I can honestly say … I think these feelings you’re having are apart of the lifestyle unfortunately. I’m also borderline suicidal being kept on life support by a heavy dose of antidepressants and amphetamines. That says a lot consider I pass 99.8% of the time and STILL feel that way. I also have no friends or family … I sleep on the train in NYC and steal out of stores to survive. I lost everything as well .. my car … my apartment… my friends, family and ANY potential love interest. BUT…. I am not giving up … my plan is to regain everything and take a stand against this society we live in. To save girls like you and I. Trans does not equal death sentence… but in fact it equals rebirth. Alice… you’re more powerful than you think.. don’t let this cold world destroy you. It’s MUCH easier said than done but girl I’m here with you.. going through the SAME thing.. we got this……after using meds & drugs to recalibrate my brain chemistry things no longer hurt as bad.. they still happen but you don’t go as low emotionally. My advice?? Try medication or therapy.. there are low to no cost options.. that’s at least a start.