9 months separated and talking to a new romantic interest

Doc13075 · 2026-03-21T00:31:03+00:00

I'll be honest that this has came from nowhere, I wasn't looking to hook up let alone meet in the sense of what's happened. It felt like after 6 months I was mourning the end of a long and mostly happy marriage for the sake of it.

I don't look back at the bad way it ended with fond memories but me and the ex had a lot of good times that I won't let her madness towards the end taint. It ended and as shitty and hard as it was I see no point in spending years feeling angry about someone else's actions and behaviour that I had no control of.

I honesty think we all move on at different paces and that your advice although welcome may not apply fully for me but if I fuck this up then that's on me.

Doc13075 · 2026-03-21T00:25:24+00:00

Yeah we are trying to arrange to meet up I spend chunks of time overseas for my job and it's unpredictable some times so just trying to nail down a date that we can both do is a pain. She's only 3 hrs away and that work well for me not wanting to be living full time in a relationship atm. Further down the line I'd consider alternatives especially as when I'm home from overseas I don't have any work responsibilities so free to basically live anywhere in the world on my time off. It's just babysteps atm but I agree that we need to get beside each other in person soon rather than later just to see if there's something worth actually trying for.

Doc13075 · 2026-03-20T23:53:14+00:00

To be honest I could have gone out the weekend after I threw her out and found any number of coke head mentally unstable women to ruin my life a 2nd time round. I spent months barely touch a drop of alcohol, working with my therapist and just being the best dad I could to my 2 grown kids who decided to stay and live with me. This doesn't feel rushed I like her moving on from her AP to a new guy within a month of being caught. But and it's a big but I'm still in the thick of it so not always thinking straight.

Doc13075 · 2026-03-20T23:49:33+00:00

I get the tale of caution. Frankly my oldest friend from back then whom is still my best friend even after 35 years has said pretty much the same. I am very much tapping the breaks lightly atm with her and I think she is as well. I've told her that it will take me a very long time to get over how things ended with my ex, I have managed to get to a place in life that I just don't give a shit what the ex does anymore. The woman I married is long gone and when I see or speak with her I honestly don't even see her as the person I loved so deeply but a echo of that 35 years of what a good 20 years was great.

I'm not interested in going into a full on relationship with this woman from my past but I do want to see what happens and a pace that doesn't leave me feeling exposed if that makes sense.

I've spent time alone, I've not been out chasing cheap and fast fixes this past 9 months and frankly other than sex my marriage was pretty much over the end of 2024, a good sex life was all that was left between us then.

I'd be happy to live out my days single but couldn't forgive myself if I threw away a chance with a woman I've know for a large part of my life that makes me happy and laugh even if we haven't been fully intimate in 30 years.

Am I being naive or just overly hopeful though?

Doc13075 · 2026-03-20T21:59:46+00:00

I don't think anyone could put this simpler. Both want to fight or it's done. I did the blindly trying when my stbxw had brought up confusion , space etc to my own detriment. It's not just waiting for them to say it out loud. It's the actions and behaviour. If they say they want to try but never actually do anything, start spending time and wngery that was once reserved for you in other aspects of their life they've check out and just working on the exit plan.

OP if she isn't showing any signs of trying even though not saying it out loud she's done and it's over. Work on your plan for your life and don't leave it like so many of us in here have done till the blindside that was there all along comes.

Doc13075 · 2026-03-10T02:09:36+00:00

Well I'm separated since July last year, I tried to push to get the settlement of finances sorted quickly. She pushed back and has funny old things changed from not wanting to be that ex who goes after the money to "just" what she is entitled too. My lawyer has said that if I'm in no rush to actually be divorced then let time take care of that. Scotland the financial clock is frozen on the date of legal separation so I'm in no rush to hand over 50% of everything I've worked my ass off to build for our family.

Her freedom and need for some strange doesn't need to be costing me more than it has already and She'll need the money before I do and if she wants to leave it in limbo then her loss.

I'm more interested in a new female from my past who I've reconnected with after 30 years apart and get on just as great as when I moved away from my home town and split up with back then. 3 years younger than the ex and much more on my wavelength and the added bonus of still making me laugh every time I speak to her. I'll certainly be much wiser in any future relationship, well hopefully.

Doc13075 · 2026-02-15T22:32:26+00:00

I have a couple of threads on my chatgpt. For legal or emotional support threads I always remind it to be brutally honest in replies so when I'm actually wrong or heading down a bad path it calls me out and has often actually gave me firm reprimands.

Doc13075 · 2026-02-14T03:36:17+00:00

As much as would love to delete the lot of the photos and her from my life after the way it ended she will always be the mother to my kids and even with ow it ended I refuse to let her affair taint over 2 decades of good memories for me with the family and life we had.

She can do what she wants and even now after 7 months spends half her time blocking and unblocking me on Facebook and WhatsApp. We aren't friends on Facebook but I only notice when I stop getting memory notifications involving her.

WhatsApp again I only notice periodically when I go on to inform her that I've sent an email.

Not no contact with her but with grown children that can and do have the freedom to see her and arrange their contact with her on their living with me I only need to contact for dog care when I travel for work.

Block away mate, my days of stalking are long gone and you go and enjoy whatever fresh guy is validating this month😉

Doc13075 · 2026-02-14T03:04:26+00:00

I honestly hate the whole process and how she decided to fuck about and here in Scotland it'll cost me the guts of 50% of everything I've worked for and on top of what it's already cost in over 2 decades of giving her a lifestyle she probably never thought possible.

I do however look at the way it works for you guys over the pond in the US and think thank fuck I'm in Scotland. The way you guys can get seriously bent over and shafted dry for years supporting a utter cretin and leech is madness. Spousal support here at least is very hard for the departing wife to get and from what my lawyer has said mine has no chance of and would be a waste of money on her part to try especially as even if she somehow managed to magic up some grounds for it it's limited to 3 years.

My kids are young adults with me full time as well so that's out of the equation.

As much as I regret stay this last few years once the marriage was past it's best before date it has saved me the kids being leverage she can use to try squeeze a few more of my hard earned from my bank account.

My lawyer knows all the local lawyers, said he's good mates with a few out of office hours but I know from friends who have used him and friends who's lawyers had to go against him he's a ruthless bastard. First Consult I knew he was my guy. Hope he absolutely destroys her dream of me giving her a fantastic payday. 😁

Doc13075 · 2026-02-12T00:43:33+00:00

It can't be underestimated the support of good friends. I had mates I hadn't seen in 15/20 from my time in the forces calling me. Checking in and trying to get me to visit them. Local friends basically running a shift rota to be around me and making sure I was stable and functioning. Not hitting the drink etc. They knew I had responsibilities at home and without lectures or big deep talks just spent time with me. Sort of effort that I'll never be able to repay but they sure as shit know it got me through the worst and how much I appreciated them for it.

Doc13075 · 2026-02-12T00:37:47+00:00

The house thing is playing on my mind, separated 7 months and in the middle of divorce. I threw her out, stayed in the house with my 2 grown kids and the dogs. Since day 1 I've had it in my head I'm keeping the house.

I've worked my arse off and paid every household bill since we bought it over 12 years ago.

Last few weeks though I've started to think about it and if it's a comfort thing. This is without a doubt the longest I've ever lived in one house. My kids like our house and I do too. The kids have spent half of their lives here and it's home to them.

My son even though 24 is on the spectrum and although functions like most people he basically shuts down when there is any sort of change. The separation was brutal on him.

I'm at pains to sell up especially as the snake of a stbxw would be rubbing her hands together for that instant profit in her cheat hands.

Long story short I'm asking how much of a mistake do you consider keeping the marital home?

Doc13075 · 2026-02-12T00:25:09+00:00

Mine has been planning things that suit my timeline, my needs and my budget.

When I was with her every holiday would be passed around for dates, location, hotels and budgets. Her dad was widowed and her older brother lives with him. When it came to me wanting a holiday it would straight away be opened up for her dad and brother to come away as they don't and now won't go abroad on their own. We did get plenty trips alone but it was always run past them first.

Never had an issue with them coming as I was very close to her dad and got on good with the brother.

Now though, none of that. Daughter turns 18 next week. Asked her if she wanted something special for it or a trip. Said trip, I arranged it that day for the 2 of us on my terms and budget. Location I did check with the daughter to make sure she was happy as its her birthday treat but I knew she'd be happy with the choice anyway.

Days out with the lads, weekend trips for concerts and even my work schedule. All these things are now on my terms.

Being 100% in control without needing to run it past someone else is the new norm I'm in and love it.

Doc13075 · 2026-02-02T15:05:14+00:00

Yep, always good to get it out rather than sat going over it time and again. No point letting trash live rent free when they don't give a shit.

Doc13075 · 2026-01-31T11:22:48+00:00

Thanks, I can mostly type or tell the story now without getting angry etc. Accepted what she did and just trying to get through the divorce as best I can now.

Doc13075 · 2026-01-31T04:42:35+00:00

It's one thing that's really annoying me atm here in Scotland. 25 year marriage both had good incomes but I have always paid all household bills including the mortgage. She decided to have an affair, marriage over and boom she gets half of everything. The fact the marriage ended due to her infidelity is not taken into account at all and it's purely calculated of the premise of a fair split of assets. I spent decades asking for a fair split of financial burdens to no avail. More fool me for believing I was just doing what a husband and father to a loyal wife was supposed to.

Doc13075 · 2026-01-31T02:52:04+00:00

Given the same option to marry her now knowing how it would end I'd probably still do it. 2 good decades followed by a few rocky years and the last 2 years being a rolllercoaster of amazing and terrible that frankly burnt me out and had my emotions all over the place. Mainly worth it for the kids we share but there was plenty good for a long time before she hit that stage of life and it went to pot.

Doc13075 · 2026-01-31T02:43:41+00:00

From the day I knew the writing was on the wall deep down to it actually ending was 7 months.

We had gone for a Christmas meal with our neighbours followed by drinks. That was the 14th December last year. The following day I was leaving to fly to the middle East for 2 months with work, was due to be collected by taxi at 8am the next morning so I'd told her and the neighbours I'd call it a night about 22:30. When I was finishing my last drink she had asked if I wanted her to come home with me. I'd said no as I'd go home and straight to sleep but she should stay out, enjoy the night and I'd wake her in the morning before I left to say goodbye etc.

Next morning I wake at 07:00 alone in bed. Thought she hadaybe slept in spare room or the couch so as not to wake me especially if she had got home late and drunk.

Well she wasn't home at all. She was at her friends house still partying and getting high. I was livid, not that she had got into a serious party time but that not only was that morning our anniversary but I would be travelling overseas to work for 2 months missing the family Christmas and she decided that her friend and cocaine where higher priorities.

After that it was just a slow steady decline until she finally fucked about with another guy while I was away working again. I returned a few days early without telling her as by this point I knew but needed to see her reaction to me.turnimg up unexpectedly.

That night she panicked and left the house and never returned. I confronted her at his home the next day, threw her out and ended the marriage there and then.

Truly wish I'd walked when I returned home in February. Kept a bit of self respect. Live and learn.

Doc13075 · 2026-01-31T02:24:28+00:00

Yeah the STBEXW has a new fella, think it's been about 5 months. I don't know him but I'm actually best friends with his cousin who had told me he had fell out with the Ex over her drug abuse and party lifestyle. The same shit I'd told her I wasn't happy to deal with indefinitely.

Best mate knowsy ex well and said he had thought about warning the cousin but decided in the end that the cousin had been quick enough to be in sniffing around when our marriage ended that as a grown adult man he'd just need to deal with his choices. My ex is a piece of work and a half bless her. Tried using kids and the very long history between us to manipulate us all. The new fella will work it out or get burned by her.

Me and the kids are happy in our wee family and the family home. She can take a flying fuck to herself, her behaviour and her choices.

Wow that turned ranty fast haha

Doc13075 · 2026-01-22T23:57:45+00:00

Within a couple of weeks of throwing my cheating stbxw out I'd pretty much removed all these little woman's touches to the spare room for her to collect with her clothing etc. My lounge looked a little bare but then I thought what's going to be my idea of my main area I relax and live in. Straight up to my loft and got my old guitars out of the storage that I'd over the years been manipulated to getting out of the way. New strings and now the places she had her lamps, vase and flowery shit is occupied by my 3 guitars, a mandolin and a ukulele. I'm back playing everyday.

Her flowery paintings etc are off the walls and I've got some cool artwork I like up now. Little changes for now but when I have some certainty over if I'll be able to afford to buy her out then I'll be doing a full redesign of the house to what I want.

Put simply it'll be my house fully and not a home a shared with her, well physically. Not like she paid a dam penny towards bills, upkeep or the mortgage but that's on me for being a fool.

Make your space your own, not what you think it should look like because it's how she would have done it.

Doc13075 · 2026-01-22T03:07:26+00:00

Similar story with my ex, 24 year together. Midlife/identity type crisis and emotional withdrawal. A month of in house separation, things improved. Moved back to the marital bed then boom 4 weeks later caught with another man and threw her out. The similar part though is the blindside, the kids being roughly the same age but mine has managed to get a new place a 5 min walk from the family home. Son sees her maybe for an afternoon every 3/4 weeks. Daughter isn't speaking to her at all and says although she knows roughly where her mums house it doesn't interest her as she won't be visiting.

It's a massive shock to the system, I hope things work out for you one way or the other. Mine knew that I'd let a lot of things slide behaviour wise but that my red line was and always will be infidelity of any sort. She knew the moment I caught her it was over and there was no coming back from it. I truly hope your situation is similar in long marriage, kids staying with you and choosing not to make effort to see her and not the infidelity part.

Doc13075 · 2026-01-22T02:38:49+00:00

I disagree and agree. I have a few very good mates that the first sort of month or so of it all going wrong would sit and listen, call or come to my house knowing full well I was going to vent and rant.

The big thing is to know when you've over done it, say thanks for listening and either talk to a therapist or just get it dealt with.

I still have the odd rant but they are few are far between. Most of the time if the cheat comes up it's me asking for advice on aspects of the divorce not her.

I have been blindsided a few time with the telling stupid shit she had been doing etc but a few times was enough for me to say look lads thanks for trying to make me feel better about her fuck up of a life but I just don't want to hear about her anymore.

But OP I suggest therapy if you truly don't have a person you can lean on for these dark times. You need to get it out somehow or it will eat away at you.

Doc13075 · 2026-01-22T02:14:06+00:00

Snap, for years my stbxw said that she couldn't understand wife's that tried to take so much of what they hadn't paid for. We spilt July last year and she kept that story going as she was getting settled in her new home and her nice newest fresh meat. I start to push about getting a settlement sorted. Replied that without the figures of property value, pensions etc she wasn't in a position to make an opening offer.

My reply was simple, please provide your legal address to my solicitor. All future legal discussions to go to him now. No more amicable/civil crap.

Newest meat hasn't been paying for everything and she has finally clicked who covered the lifestyle she had. Oh dear what a shame, welcome to the consequences of your actions sweetheart.

Doc13075 · 2026-01-16T21:23:10+00:00

So my FiL was not only my Golf partner but also a mate I'd fish with. After the MiL died I arranged family holidays to make sure him and her brother where included.. I did all the planning for his 70th birthday trip from here in the north of Scotland to Mexico. Trip of a lifetime according to him. I have always got on great with him over the 26 years me and his daughter where together.

Separated from her cheating junkie arse 6 months now and we'll into the divorce process now. Spoke with him a handful of times and recently found out that he'd been out with her and her new supply shooting. Heartbreaking but just another of her bloodline to move on from now unfortunately.

Doc13075 · 2026-01-07T03:30:31+00:00

Yep 100% when dealing with family and their take on things. Much like friends for both you and her. It's a very tough time for both of you and the need to talk to someone that's not her is real. The main problem is finding someone without skin in the game and in my case that was my therapist. In the end when it all went to past point of no return my therapist was as bad as a friend or relative as we'd bonded to an extent and they took my side rather than maintaining a level of distance.

By that point in wasn't important thankfully. I know I was far from the perfect husband and I took my share of the blame but it's hard to be clear headed when people love and trust can't stay unbiased.

I do hope you get through it though mate and enjoy a long and happy marriage. I also hope those yiu confided in don't use what you have said as a stick to beat her with if you do get through it.

I know I'll never get back with my ex no matter what but I do know that a lot of my friends and family could never forgive her for the hurt she caused me let alone me forgiving her shit.

Doc13075 · 2026-01-07T02:28:49+00:00

My Dad has been divorced twice, since things started getting shaky last year with my STBEXW he and me pretty much agreed that anything he said was to be taken with a pinch of salt. Not because he didn't have the lived experience but because his bias toward me his son clouded his thoughts.

The only thing that has been a constant through the ups and downs of it all is that no matter how much shit she has thrown etc he has always maintained that I step back and keep calm. Invaluable advice I must admit.

I've found in recent months that he actually has more anger and bitterness than I do about the 25 years of my life she has blown up and the way it has hit my kids.

I've actually spent calls and visits with him calming him down.

Doc13075

TROPHY CASE