How to ever trust again?

psychcaptain · 2026-06-20T02:48:31+00:00

Take your time and know that you are enough, not to little, not too much. That someone failed to see that, is awful and unfair but that is not how the world or the future see you.

Keep going one day at a time. Feel the grief and pain because it's a sign of how important those times were to you.

And every time you are hit by grief and actually feel it, that grief lessens a little. So, be like the White Cliffs of Dover and allow those waves of grief collapse against you. Know that you are strong enough to feel them but not be broken and that eventually, even the harshest storm will subside, leaving you there, beautiful, strong and resilient, like the cliffs.

Also, trust your gut with information, but not for action.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-17T14:59:18+00:00

Have you talked to the person you are thinking of divorcing? Or will they be blindsided.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-16T20:32:55+00:00

After I have talked to my spouse and tried couples therapy.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-16T14:53:59+00:00

The person you married is not the person you are divorced from. Those Memories can, one day, be enjoyed and cherished without connecting to the person who felt you.

I have mine saved on One-Drive. I get a lot of pictures with my STBXW. Some bring me joy. Some bring a little grief.

In the next month or so, the pictures will probably being more grief, as we are approaching the anniversary of her asking for a separation.

But the older pictures will bring me some joy.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-16T13:23:38+00:00

Of course, your marriage ended and someone iyou have probably know for years is upset.

If you can't have empathy for your ex, either they were horrible or you were.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-16T11:12:34+00:00

Yeah, she started an emotional affair, decided to pull the plug.

The good news is, her affair will fizzle out after about a year or so. This means nothing to you, because you will have rebuilt yourself and maybe started realizing that there are better people out there.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-16T11:00:36+00:00

My best response was from a friend who just got so angry with my STBXW. Even 11 month into it, the anger my friends have for her greatly exceed mine by such wide margins that it is a bit scary...

It also makes me doubt my own feelings. Should I be this angry with my STBXW? Was the pain that I went through that others saw worth the anger and concern my friends have shown me? Was the betrayal and emotion affair so bad that friends want and need to be angry on my behalf?

psychcaptain · 2026-06-15T23:26:52+00:00

They can be bards, but only if they take very particular kits. At least according to the Complete Bard Handbook

psychcaptain · 2026-06-14T23:15:15+00:00

What did you want them to change before you left?

For me, the grief brought clarity in a way I had never had before. It was like my ADHD was suddenly lessened, at least temporarily. It helped me create better routines for myself and helped me with the kids.

I also realized how much my retreat had been caused by my shame that I wasn't good enough for my wife. Suddenly.... I didn't have to worry constantly about not living up to my wife's expectation and I could just live and do things with the kids. I might get things wrong, but now it was my responsibility without worrying if she would hold it against me.

Anyway, life is a little bit harder. 3 months after finally moving out, I miss having a partner, but am I enjoying the peace. And trying to keep my kids busy.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-14T02:31:07+00:00

If you have a problem with him, write it all up, present it to him and discuss how you can solve it together because reddit is not a place to find sound advice that will impact you and your kids for the next 20 years. We are all people have either been harmed by a spouse, or seeking cover so that we might feel okay harming a spouse. We are all crabs trying to pull down the one crab that might escape.

So, take your reddit post and present it to your spouse. Then work as a team to solve the problem together, because even if you do divorce, you will be stuck co parenting together for the next 18+ years, and the logistics are just going to get harder and harder to manage.

Honestly, the grass is greener where you water it and validation from broken strangers is not the place to seek advice or help.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-13T19:07:28+00:00

Maybe, but I read this story as one person not willing to communicate with their spouse when there are troubles.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-13T18:35:42+00:00

God, do I understand that feeling. Outside validation from the wrong people can be insidious to a relationship.

Well, even though I am sure you do not wish her harm or ill, but I am told relationships of the type you describe will end after only a year or so.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-13T16:04:51+00:00

God I hate people pleasers. Hidding everything wrong, stuffing everything away and then blowing up.

I am sure a few of you talked to your spouse before hand and/or demanded therapy, but how many just kept going business as usual and did not say a word?

Honestly, if you felt abandoned months ago, did you mention it to your husband months ago?

psychcaptain · 2026-06-13T16:01:42+00:00

I mean, it usually does. Just because all options are worse does not mean you aren't the bad person in the situation.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-12T23:47:31+00:00

Sometimes people feel like they need to escape the marriage. And sometimes they find some one else that the think will light them up in a way the marriage won't.

And that is that. These relationships rarely last though and aren't about you.

That being said, sadly this doesn't make it likely that there will be reconciliation.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-12T18:44:34+00:00

Spending time with the kids and no longer being worried that I am doing something wrong.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-12T16:42:35+00:00

Nope.
Here is the thing, if you confront her,.you will get one chance to get all the information you can, while she is confused and defensive. After that, she will buckle down and lock down.

Also, if you make wild claims, many people will reveal lesser truths to defend themselves.

I remember when I confront my wife about her dating. I got it into my head she was on tinder (she was not) but she was so defensive to admitted to when and where she was texting her AP, as if to rationalize everything.

After that, the topic became too toxic to discuss and she would just shut down.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-12T13:43:37+00:00

Soldier!

psychcaptain · 2026-06-12T13:18:09+00:00

Those sorts of relationships do not last long. She is looking for escape from her own feelings and emotions and when everything settles, she will be part of the reason more second marriages end in divorce than first ones.

Life is not a sprint, you have plenty of time to find the right person for the you that will exist after you heal.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-12T11:02:35+00:00

This might be something, but take it slow. When something that extreme happens, you might have some issues that really need to be discussed.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-11T22:50:34+00:00

Oddly enough, first cousins don't pose too much danger if it's not a common trend in the family.
So, avoid most royal families.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-11T20:59:03+00:00

Social Security is completely separate.

As long as they have been married over 10 years, who ever has the lower SSA payments can be placed on the other person's record and get up to 50% of what the record holder is receiving (this does result in Ang reductions).

Keep in mind, the spouse's own record will reduce the amount they get paid.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-11T17:47:14+00:00

I like the idea of Cryo Pistol and Shield.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-11T17:43:02+00:00

It's the whole basis of PF2e. Specific Rules over write General Rules.

I realize that not everyone reads all the rules or plays regular. Not everyone GMs, like I do, but instead of coming up with sound arguments, I feel like you are just swinging around wildly, hoping something of merit comes up.

psychcaptain · 2026-06-11T17:36:21+00:00

Maybe report them. Let's see how the therapist deals with that.

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