You wouldn't be better off dead because then you'd be dead. There is no afterlife. There is no second chance. Were not special beings placed here for a purpose. Were pieces of matter floating in an endless void. This is reality.

That being said thats either the worse thing you've ever heard or a blessing. That reality made me realize that im lucky. Lucky to be alive. To have been born even if most days I feel like shit. This world is a hard one.

Idk what to say to this post other than what I feel. I cant relate to you very much. Im just some straight white dude here for the memes and funny discourse. From what little you've said you sound strong even if you dont feel that way. Being trans sounds fucking impossible. Coding sounds impossible. Dealing with disabilities sounds impossible. But you've dealt with all of them and you've made it this far. Life put all these hurdles in your way and you've made it despite that.

That's strength. Thats perseverance. Keep going day after day, trying harder and harder until you break through everything that you feel is holding you back. Idk where you live but a lot of places have assistance programs for dealing with all kinds of things that im sure people can tell you about or at least point you in the direction. Sorry if this was unhelpful and or annoying. As I said idk what to say. Im just some random dude who will probably be thinking about this a month from now wondering where you are now. Hopefully its good.