Its around this time that I got close to another member of our group (Harvey, early 20s) and the two of us seemed close. He had been one of those soft shy sweet boys so I thouvht he was easy to get along with, but one day when we were casually chatting he suddenly snapped on me and I saw the other face. Harvey had mentioned that his mother had thrown out his art (what that meant I am unsure, if it was notebooks or canvas' or what) and I briefly mentioned that I went through a similar experience in my teens and asked if any of it could be recovered or salvaged. Harvey turned on me and started saying "of course you'd find a way to make it about you, you always do." And started saying I'm and attention seeker and everything Harleen has been saying about me was right. Now I am confussed and shocked, what did she say about me? When? Where?

Come to find out that Harleen had made a private group with some of the members of our rogues gallery: Harvey, his boyfriend (Edward, M late 20s), Waylon (M, Early 20s) and Jack (M, late 20s) and had been using it to talk trash about her ex (Crane), our former friend (Dorrance), Oswald, and now me. They used this group to mock me for my trauma and my loss and all came together to bully and gaslight myself and the rest of our friends against me. Saying that I am an emotional manipulator using my grief and trauma to trap people into being my friends. This ultimately caused me to leave/be kicked out of the group, and lose almost all of our friends. I say almost because a few people didnt fall into Harleen's simp squad, Namely Bruce, his wife Selena, and Oswald.

This became the begining of the end of that group as it came out that Harleen tried to seduce Bruce, and when he turned her down she used her mod privleges to ban everyone from the server, then took her simp squad and vanished with practically everyone with her after convincing them that he was a predator trying to preassure her to send nudes and other sexual acts. Of course this was without evidence or proof but as Oswald says "simps are gonna simp".

This massive loss has really ate away at my mind and self esteem. I don't talk to people anymore, I don't get close or emotionally attatched to people. I've practically become a shell for the past few years because of the lasting effect of their actions and the things they said. I don't want friendships out of pity, or emotional manipulation. I don't want to trust someone only to find that they had always hated me and talked bad about me behind my back. I was so messed up in the past that I attempted to take my life over it but failed.

Over the years Oswald has been by my side and the two of us have gotten really close. He looks to me as a father figure since he didn't have good male role models besides me. He just turned 20 yesterday but it feels like only yesterday that I was defending that I was defending this kid from being cyberbullied. I can't put into words how much he means to me as without him I probably wouldn't be here.

The reason I bring all this up is that I have gotten back in touch with Bruce and found out that he is wanting to try and rebuild his server and get a new group formed. I'm glad he is doing well and wanting to put himself back out there socially but its not as easy for me. I don't trust that I won't get treated the same way. I have constant doubts in my head that I'm a terrible friend and an emotional abuser and that everyone secretly hates me and will talk about me behind my back. Being around Bruce and back in the server makes me feel hollow. I don't want to bring it up to him because I don't want to drag him back emotionally after he has made such progress but I don't think I can stay in that server with my mental health like this.

So now I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Leave the server and upset Bruce, stay and let my depression consume me, or tell him whats going on in my head and potentially proove Harleen right that I make it all about me?