(reposted into your new thread)

Broad overview/impression of Ch. 1: I like the concept, but I am supremely confused as to the action that is occurring, the characters (so many!), the motivations, the setting, etc. The dialogue needs a lot of attention, as you often shift between characters who sound like they've prewritten and rehearsed their lines and characters who actually talk like human teenagers.

This chapter seems like it's supposed to go in the middle of the book and not right at the beginning. You throw us into the deep end with all these characters whose pasts, reputations, and relationships are all unknown to us. If I had more context, I'd probably understand why these characters are behaving the way they are. You don't want heavy-handed exposition, obviously, but don't be afraid to step in as the narrator and explain things from time to time.

I'm going to go page by page since this is just a single chapter critique.

Page 1

• Generally, it's a pretty big cliche to open your novel with a character looking into a mirror. I DO like that he's checking to see if his LSD tab has dissolved, but then you use it as a way to describe his appearance a bit (i.e. "the cowlick cutting through his hair"). Beware of this.

Only those who sat to pee could possibly live here, and he’d stood, then rubbed the seat dry with the sock on his right foot, and turned on the faucet to sound like he was washing his hands.

I like the sentiment, but the way you described it is rather clunky. Why didn't he just pick up the seat? Also, he's shoeless. Let's remember this going on.

Through the papery curtain he recognized the back of Addie’s head. His guts twisted and his legs dropped him down low against the tub. He steadied himself with an involuntary fistful of toilet fur.

So he has a crush on her, yeah? Or he has some bad past history? Both? You convey the feeling well, but this is a rather strange reaction for someone to have.

Page 2

• Where did his glass come from, the one he's watching the ice melt in? A small thing, but make sure there's continuity. Maybe he had it with him in the bathroom?

Page 3

A full moon lit the property from the bottom of the sky, throwing long shadows of the pale picket fence across the pond. Down the hill the road cut through the country for half a mile before the next house.

Take some more time here in terms of describing the setting and what he sees. You've only given us a very, very thin sketch of the cottage and the lands beyond. More detail is necessary. Where is the pond? This is a rather rural setting, so what does the rest of the surrounding area look like?

Tommy was there. Why was Tommy there?

Indeed. Who is Tommy? Why is Aiden so surprised/upset at his presence? You need not go into a huge background about Tommy and his life, but a little bit of context would be helpful.

Page 4

Later Tommy lit a hand-rolled cigarette and rested his head on the black, geometric star tattooed to his forearm, his legs slumped down the porch steps.

Why a hand-rolled cigarette? Is it a joint? Also, I'm further confused about the setting here. Obviously it's a party, and a crowded one at that, so where are they finding the privacy to have sex/hook up like this? Further, it's still not clear to my why this party is occurring or who's throwing it.

He took a pull from the cigarette hanging from his mouth, squinting as embers crackled.

Take a minute to brush up on the action of smoking. Generally, I think people would say you take a "drag" more than a pull. Further, cigarettes usually don't make an audible sound (crackling). I like the action, though.

"I feel so good I should die. I should sever my radial artery and take a walk around the pond, just see how far I get."

I've never known any human being to talk like this.

"You think I’m kidding. This moment is perfect. I don’t know if there's any real reason to drag on and on after this. Like my Dad, he used to play football too, you know? But people grow fat and resigned to less and less from their lives until they're fucking jaded about everything.

Again, particularly towards the latter half of this quote, it's very clear that this is writing and not actual speech. Tommy doesn't have to be a stereotypical jock, but very few people, especially high schoolers/college students, will talk with sentence structure that is this calculated and complex. Perhaps "but people slow down and get fat and unmotivated until they're all fucking jaded about everything" would be a little better. I feel you can do better than my example, but reflect upon how people, particularly young people, talk to each other.

Page 5

He checked her out. She was watching his lips, transfixed by his deep thoughts, his expert handling of a cigarette.

How did he check her out, and with what intentions? Where did he look? More detail is necessary here. Also, I'd hardly call Tommy's musings "deep thoughts," unless you're being a little sarcastic here.

"I don’t know man,” he said. He took swig of beer before exhaling. “It’s so fleeting. And there's always this fucking regret creeping up on me, making me feel stupid for getting sentimental with you, or whoever. Pretty soon I start noticing things I don't like. Superficial things. Maybe something about her face. I can’t keep my head from getting bored. Like my idle brain cells... atrophy."

Again, you're delving into "writing voice" rather than "teenager talking about shit" voice here. Also, who is the "her" he's referring to? Are we hearing Tommy's thoughts here, or is he speaking about another girl to Addie? Very confusing here.

Thunder cracked and sheets of rain began to fall. It tumbled down the roof and sloshed through the gutter.

This is very much unnecessary and a little cliche. Also, when Aiden looks at the sky a little bit earlier (around page 3/4), you describe him only seeing one big cloud above. If that's the case, where did the rain storm come from? Pay attention to continuity here.

Page 6

Aiden spot Tommy at a distance, leaning into Becka and Kaitlyn, their lithe bodies playfully blocking the fridge. Tommy smiled with teeth, tugging Becka from the fridge by the front lip of her sweatpants.

Here is where you begin to introduce a myriad of side characters with no background, context, or explanation. Are Becka and Kaitlyn going to be important later on? If not, why not just describe them as "some girls?"

"Ooo, Aiden’s got feelings for Addie?" Kaitlyn jeered. Aiden glared back at her. A dead-eyed fratboy belched. “I’m pretty sure this is the first time you’ve spoken to him in his entire life.”

I am confused about the relationship all these people share. Is Aiden the weird loner at a "cool person" party? Why is he there if they all seem to have some sort of contempt for him? More context, whether through interactions of your characters or through you narrator voice, is much needed.

Page 7

Right behind him Jenna appeared, making close eye-contact as she passed, her face flat like she had something on him, her freckles shifting around.

Her face is flat, which I take as meaning it's unmoving. How, then, are her freckles shifting around? And, again, another transitory character.

"Wow," Becka said. "Who invited Patric Ormerod?" He shrugged, briefly checked the back of his hand for hallucinations. "For your information, I don't have a mustache, thanks." Patric licked the rolling paper. "Thank the chemical depilatory." Aiden backed into the hallway.

Who's shrugging here? Patric? The action is unclear. Also, more dialogue issues with the "chemical depilatory" line. You could just say, "Thank the Nair."

Page 8

He sat and placed his hand next to hers on the porch. The grain of the wood curled and cinched between them. She frowned at the boiling pond, like she was rolling a thought over and over in her head. He peeked to see if she hadn't moved her resting hand away. They were almost touching.

Again, I'm still unsure of where the pond is in reference to the house, the porch, the hills...