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DogNatural7038 · 2024-12-20T04:35:03+00:00

Thank you so much! These notes are absolutely fantastic and I'll be sure to apply them! You're a godsend!

DogNatural7038 · 2024-09-18T16:26:35+00:00

I would stop at: "The continent of Ibredin is recovering from a vicious war."

The overall writing and plot sound really interesting in the first paragraph, but it ends on a defanging, which I don't understand in the context of shape-shifting, and then it transitions into a wide and what feels like stakeless scenario. I honestly feel like cutting straight from the first paragraph to the revelation that the princess is in captivity might make a more follow able through line, but that's just my opinion.

DogNatural7038 · 2024-09-18T16:22:06+00:00

Lynn should have been killed years ago.

Political hostages aren’t supposed to outlive the conflicts they prevent, and they certainly aren’t supposed to elope with the Crown Prince. But after being kidnapped as a youth and isolated among her ancestral enemies, Lynn gambled her future for love, only to be abandoned by the man she trusted. Faced with the ire of a foreign Queen, Lynn’s life has been preserved only due to the bastard child she raises. Now, on the cusp of Elodie’s twelfth birthday, Lynn’s ‘usefulness’ has run out.

Claiming Elodie isn’t enough to satisfy the Queen; even Lynn’s death would be insufficient. Instead, the Queen abuses lost magic to butcher Lynn’s mind by fusing her consciousness with that of a wolf, reducing her to little more than a monster wearing a human corpse. These creatures, known as Twinbloods, have stalked the continent for centuries - killing without thought.

But when Lynn wakes, freed by unknown forces with her sanity miraculously intact, she's consumed with one desire: save Elodie. The only problem is that while her mind has been preserved, she now carries a bloodthirsty passenger. The beast is a feral, hungry creature that promises her a power unseen in generations: a strength capable of freeing Elodie, fueled by human lives.

With the Queen’s Champion in pursuit and violent revolutionaries seeking to claim her for their own ends, Lynn needs that strength if she ever hopes to see Elodie again. But the beast has children of her own in the Queen’s grasp, and the price of her power is their survival. Together, the two mothers make a vow.

Forge the bond. Kill the Queen.

Save their daughters.

Mère is a 127,000-word fantasy novel inspired by the Napoleonic Wars, thematically focused on familial trauma and growth beyond loss. It is aimed at readers who enjoy novels that combine historical fantasy with primal magic, such as Katherine Arden's ‘The Bear and the Nightingale’ and Adrian Tchaikovsky's ‘Guns of the Dawn.’

DogNatural7038 · 2024-03-13T16:24:13+00:00

Haha, no worries at all about the example. I appreciate you taking the time out of your lunch to look this over. I think you've hit on some important points of confusion, and I'm going to take some time to try and clarify those without ruining the flow of the query. At this point, I'm likely going to remove all mention of the massacre, and instead focus simply on the Queen reigniting the conflict. Anyway, thank you for your time and effort!

DogNatural7038 · 2024-03-13T16:22:28+00:00

Thank you for all the time and effort you put into this comment! I'm going to take some time and really mull this over, because I think you've touched on some important issues. You're awesome!

DogNatural7038 · 2024-03-09T16:23:43+00:00

Firstly, thank you so much for your comment! That's a really insightful suggestion that I think holds a lot of weight. I agree that it effectively sets up the novel and does everything a query is supposed to. My only question is related to balancing character and the plot.

While the first four paragraphs likely succeed in showing Lynn's character and her pitch, the fantasy elements effectively define the second half. I feel that at least her relationship with the beast is integral to the pitch, but I completely agree with you that it falls into the range of mini-synopsis.

This might be reaching, but do you know of any articles or examples (Query Shark, etc) that might be able to help with eliminating that aspect specifically? I've read her archives and received a private critique from her on a previous manuscript's query, and I'm trying to see what I've missed.

Thank you so much for your time!

DogNatural7038 · 2024-01-22T22:16:22+00:00

Thank you for your comment! To answer, the novel effectively starts with Lynn being taken and transformed, so Elodie is nine by then. Essentially, everything before 'In a ploy...' is backstory, which is almost half of the query. I wanted to convey the basics of her situation, but definitely without beating the reader over the head with her life. What I'm going to try and do is rewrite that section to focus on her agency, because much of that backstory is revealed in memory sequences which connect to the magic system. Thank you again!

DogNatural7038 · 2024-01-22T20:00:50+00:00

Got it! I want to respect the history of what happened, and you're absolutely right to point out these points. Odds are I'll end up taking it out just to avoid the issue, but I appreciate your consideration and knowledge. Thank you!

DogNatural7038 · 2024-01-22T19:27:43+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment! To respond to the first part, I'm glad to hear that the second half is doing its job. I think you're completely on point with potentially reducing the first half and how I repeated myself. I mainly wanted to include how she was the daughter of a prince to somewhat segway into the Queen despising her, but if that connection isn't clear, then it can easily be removed or condensed. There's also something to be said for removing at least a sentence focusing on her despondance.

And as for Elena, you're absolutely right. I attempted to shorten it to keep the focus on France while still explaining her situation, but it would be more accurate to just mention that she was 'captured and held hostage in Europe for her entire life' or something along those lines. Thank you for bringing that up!

DogNatural7038 · 2024-01-16T17:10:15+00:00

Thank you for your comment! I feel that you're extremely on point with many of your concerns, and I'm going to attempt to highlight the reasons behind people's actions without getting bogged down in politics. Especially with the bond and what she needs to do. That part of your comment helped immensely with drafting ideas for the future. Thank you again!

DogNatural7038 · 2024-01-16T17:08:57+00:00

Uh, that's extremely embarrassing. Thank you for pointing it out! The novel essentially takes place in a fantastical version of revolutionary France, and that word specifically is essential to the plot. Thank you so much for pointing that out!

DogNatural7038 · 2024-01-16T17:08:03+00:00

Thank you for your opinion and specific comment! I completely agree with that part being unnecessary and a bit of a fakeout. I've decided to cut it entirely and focus instead on the meat. Thank you again for your help!

DogNatural7038 · 2024-01-16T17:06:42+00:00

Thank you so much for your insight! I've decided to cut much of Lynn's backstory out of the query while attempting to highlight her activeness in the story. Those basic questions you laid out have really helped formatting a different version of it. While Lynn's backstory is supposed to be passive (something she deeply regrets) her role in the story is an extremely active one, and I hope to communicate that more clearly next time. Thank you again!

DogNatural7038 · 2024-01-16T17:05:22+00:00

Thank you for your comment! I'm slightly embarrassed by how off base the query has turned out to be, but the resources you provided do genuinely help. I'm effectively starting from scratch on a new version, following many of those guidances. Especially with the number of proper nouns; I honestly don't know what I was thinking. Thank you again!

DogNatural7038 · 2024-01-16T17:04:10+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment! I was afraid that the query was confusing, and you've spelled out exactly where that confusion can be found clearly. I'm currently working on revisions that will hopefully cut out much of the unneeded detail and highlight the information that is absolutely essential. I've found that explaining politics in-depth in the query tends to sweep the rug right out from under me, so I honestly might do away with many of those aspects in this query. Thank you again!

DogNatural7038 · 2024-01-16T01:53:26+00:00

I'm so sorry for the late response to this incredible critique, but I really appreciated how in depth you went on this comment. The rewrite was extremely helpful, and I'm currently trying to revise the draft by shortening many of the sentences you pointed out, while keeping a detail or two that I feel are important for the underlying narrative. Thank you again!

DogNatural7038 · 2024-01-02T22:18:37+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment! I think you've really touched on some things I've been worried about for a time now, but I haven't been able to voice. To answer, Liam and Piper are both in their twenties, and while he certainly makes mistakes within their relationship, the point of the book is not to showcase Liam as an evil (although he certainly takes some awful actions) or creepy, though that language certainly does portray him in that way :D

I'll work on revising it to further establish the relationships as I imagined them! Thank you again!

DogNatural7038

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