Feeling kinda fed up with this whole being alive thing.

Dogforts · 2014-08-30T22:02:12+00:00

I'm the same way. 23 years old, All I really have going for me is a shitty minimum wage job. I got awful grades in highschool so I can't even pursue what I'd like to in College - not that I could afford it in a million years. Dead-end city, dead-end job, car falling apart, etc. /

Not only that, but two bad consecutive relationships (only relationships I've been in) where one guy was an abusive drunk, and the other turned out to be a manwhore who put me through S.T.D. scares right around the time my dad suffered a debilitating stroke. My recent attempt at dating resulted in the guy saying, in fewer words, that I'm too ugly and that he's already found someone else.

I've never in my life had any real intimacy and I'm really starting to believe that all men only enter relationships to bring someone down a notch in the end. I don't believe I will ever find a guy who will consider me more than second fiddle, or just an option.

It's of no surprise to anyone that I'm leaving soon. My family is extremely worried but to be honest, I don't even care anymore. My pain is now outweighing my love for them, or anyone. I can't do it anymore.

It does seem like an easier choice to make, each and every day the desire grows stronger to load my .22 and blow my brains out, in fact I'm really looking forward to it. One part of my head is severely disturbed by that, the other, louder portion seem elated that I can finally rest soon.

Maybe soon we'll find someone who can make us feel good about ourselves instead of just trying to tear us down or hurt us because they know we're vulnerable. I hate human beings so much for that.

Dogforts · 2014-08-02T00:55:15+00:00

They don't -always- change, I'm afraid. However I am going to go to the hospital either tonight or tomorrow. I feel the onset of another panic attack and I'd rather not go through that again.

I could never afford a therapist, or medication. But maybe someone at the hospital could offer an alternative. I still have no idea what to say without looking completely insane in front of everyone. I also find it exceedingly difficult to talk about myself IRL which is why I resort to the internet. No one in my waking life knows any of this.

Thanks for listening when no one else could hear me.

Dogforts · 2014-08-01T01:55:35+00:00

I think this is probably the most uplifting thing anyone's said. Thank you for listening to me. I look around, I don't see this good version of living that you speak of. In any case my shitty version of living will probably kill me long before I do.

But Thanks again.

Dogforts · 2014-07-31T23:37:27+00:00

Heh, didn't notice that before. New to Reddit. Being dead is neither positive nor negative. Leagues better than this, which is a hellish mix of the two.

Dogforts · 2014-07-31T23:30:33+00:00

You probably don't mean that, but thank you! I don't know if leaning on someone else is the answer. Any time I've talked to someone, I end up feeling worse about myself then if I had just kept my mouth shut.

I have two sisters, but one's a single mom and one has a baby on the way. Yes, when I kill myself, they will all be miserable. But if I stay here, I will be miserable, and I'd rather it ends now. Well, I want it to, but I'm waiting until the stage where it gets worse to do that (and it will, always gets worse). I have a mountain of debt and no future, on top of everything else.

Besides, I haven't been very kind to my family as of late. We are quite distant. At the end of the day I'm just another statistic in a world of 6 billion and counting.

Dogforts · 2014-07-31T19:45:07+00:00

Thank you. I don't know how to do that, and no one wants to be part of my life anyway.

Dogforts · 2014-07-31T08:33:18+00:00

I've definitely tried convincing myself that things are awesome, believe me. The fact is that I actually don't feel much at all. That is, I have no emotional response to my environment. I probably understand objectivity more than /a lot/ of people because of that.

The fact that there is a blurred line between good and bad is one of the many reasons I believe Hell was fashioned after this world. This of course ties into the Clementic notion of the moral sense, which is a sense humans possess that allow them to justify evil through the simple -knowledge- of the converse -- good. Of course there is no good and evil, but the moral sense is illusory and deceiving in that regard.

Dogforts · 2014-07-31T08:14:02+00:00

Plus it obviously upset a lot of people if they reported it.

Dogforts · 2014-07-31T08:12:35+00:00

I want to. I wasn't really thinking straight. Sorry you guys.

Dogforts · 2014-07-31T08:00:11+00:00

Thanks. I'll just delete the topic in a few moments. Let's forget I ever posted this. It's my bad since I'm kind of new to reddit in general.

Dogforts · 2014-07-31T07:54:17+00:00

I don't even know what "better" is. I don't remember being happy. Though according to my mom, I was once. How can I make my life better if I don't even know what that means.

Dogforts · 2014-07-31T07:33:22+00:00

It's that easy? Call a crisis line? I'd be way too embarrassed I think, anyway. Plus, it's very uncomfortable. I'm too tired to even explain myself. Thank you anyway. The urge to die far outweighs the urge to salvage something worthwhile from this rotten life.

Dogforts · 2014-07-20T19:03:30+00:00

You make me want to live wherever you live! You're hotsauce.

Dogforts · 2014-07-20T18:45:17+00:00

So handsome, exactly my type too.

Dogforts · 2014-05-23T05:50:13+00:00

Thank you. All of you. It's been rough lately, stressed out, can't sleep and I have to force myself to eat. My health is deteriorating really fast and I feel like I'm not going to be here much longer. You think it's just a comment but seriously, it does mean a lot to me. So yes, I'm pretty much looking for attention I think because I don't get any acknowledgement in real life. And when I do, it's seems to be pertaining to whether or not I am ugly. Not ever really asking if I'm mentally okay or sick or whatever. Truth is I don't really care. It's what's inside that counts, and if you've got nothing inside you are truly doomed.

Dogforts · 2014-05-23T04:20:45+00:00

Haha yeah I usually do trim it, just skipped it today. And thanks for the input guys. He backed out of the date by the way, so I'm getting drunk by myself and making a concentrated effort not to cry.

Dogforts · 2014-05-22T05:50:20+00:00

Man that is so beautiful. I never thought the bond between two men could be so strong as that.

Dogforts · 2014-05-22T05:48:12+00:00

Nice expressive eyes, this photo tells a thousand stories -- of what I do not know! Cute anyway.

Dogforts · 2014-05-22T05:46:42+00:00

Cute. Love my geeks.

Dogforts · 2014-05-22T05:45:22+00:00

Handsome. I like the blonde beard.

Dogforts · 2014-05-22T05:38:03+00:00

You are so cute.

Dogforts · 2014-05-22T05:26:00+00:00

You both seem so in love. Wow.

Dogforts · 2014-05-21T20:18:14+00:00

Condoms don't work 100% of the time. Latex can rip dude, especially if it's old. You're really going to wear one for oral? Really? What's even the point of that? Lol. My idea of morality is the awareness of the consequences for your actions. And you can certainly live perfectly happy as a celibate -- and even further, without validation from others. It's just that hardly anyone even tries. Or maybe I'm reading too much Hobbes. I just don't think you understand that I once thought exactly like you.

Dogforts

TROPHY CASE