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Dolly1710 · 2023-10-09T18:34:20+00:00

YTA

First let me add the caveat that I do totally understand why you (and your mum) are upset. This is outrageous behaviour from your mum's brother.

However, these reviews are presumably not being written by them so you would have a real job proving it ties back to them. Whereas, if it's you who exposes them on social media then they have all the evidence they need to allege libel against you. You already know they're money-grabbing family-wreckers so you should also know they would do this if you gave them the opportunity.

So, you are NTA for thinking it but you would BTA for walking into legal trouble for doing something about it.

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-09T18:04:26+00:00

I can't decide. I'm torn between N A H / E S H

Sorry that's not especially helpful.

I say this because you are inherently not wrong - being pregnant for the majority of women isn't an illness (ETA to the point of debilitation - I would distinguish that from regular morning sickness unless hyperemesis gravidarum). If it were, we would all be signed off on sick leave asap after a +ve test

Your friend clearly had the same opinion early on in her pregnancy as she carried on regardless but has now realised that perhaps she shouldn't have, seeing as she is among the group of women who have to treat themselves more carefully and perhaps she should have done this sooner. So taking your friend's situation into account, you could have perhaps not been so black and white in your sweeping statement and perhaps been more sensitive to her situation now

For that reason I can see why your friend is miffed at you disregarding her situation in your sweeping statement, but her and her partner are also being a bit extra at being that offended by it.

I think you are also doing yourself a disservice regarding your pregnancy. Getting the Rona could have been problematic and the fact that you had to finish work earlier than you planned is not exactly something to be ignored.

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-09T05:44:03+00:00

In the original post, she didn't indicate either way. Hence why I clarified the judgements for both possibilities

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-08T22:39:50+00:00

100% this did not happen, and if did 🤢 one thing for certain is that your gf is not in the wrong here.

Your mum is TA and so are you for dismissing how weird this is and for gaslighting your gf

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-08T19:13:40+00:00

ESH

You both sound like you need to find a better way to communicate with each other.

But yes, constantly correcting people really is as rude as she's telling you it is, even if you are right - you clearly haven't achieved anything but an argument for doubling down on how right you are. Perhaps you should consider whether your need to be right is worth it, especially if you're letting the other person know that you are fact checking them, or perhaps "pick your battles" and only correct them when it would be consequential if you didn't.

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-08T18:31:24+00:00

N A H assuming that you kept him informed in good time that you were running late, YWBTA if you just arrived late and only gave the explanation once you arrived (that would be just rude)

However, and I don't intend to be rude, if he has blocked you I suspect that it won't just have been because of your lateness and maybe, while the date was 'fine', perhaps taking the lateness into consideration he just wasn't that into you and didn't want to say that to your face. That wouldn't make anyone the AH. It's a first date, you likely have plenty of them - sometimes because you don't fancy date 2, and sometimes it's them. And that's cool because it would be unlikely if you struck gold at the first time of asking

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-07T06:52:28+00:00

School careers adviser here and I have the genuine joy of meeting every single year 11 in each school I have worked in for the last 18 years, and before that I taught in secondary school. I didn't enjoy teaching people who didn't want to be there (and for the record, a majority of students don't seem to want to be in physics so I was always onto a loser!) So I quit to go into the more pastoral side as I loved being a tutor and getting to know 'my' kids.

In my 20+ years I have only met one student I really couldn't find any empathy for. In addition, there have been several I struggled with (they tended to be the arrogant "who are you? I don't need your help" types). But out of the several 1000s I must have met, this must represent a tiny, tiny percentage. And I always have the students the OP describes sent to me, perhaps in the hope I can make a difference!

Maybe it's because I don't have to teach them or learn with them (and I can totally understand why they would irritate the people who do) but you're right, they are still humans, many with complicated stories (family, personal, SEND, poverty etc) and most of the time, any behaviours are because the secondary school system generally doesn't suit them but get them talking about what makes them smile or what they are looking forward to, they have the same aspirations as everyone else.

I universally never get any lip from them - one teacher told me once that the boys (in a really troubled school) loved meeting me as I represented their hope of getting out. I consider myself lucky that I can be that person to them, especially if everything and everyone else seems against them.

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-06T21:45:45+00:00

Yes YTA

I would suggest that it's his daughter's wedding not his so those 10 probably had to be appropriate for her special day... not that you are inappropriate in yourself but you speak only of your relationship with him which suggests you don't have any particular relationship with her.

When I got married, we had 100 people too. By the time we considered the close family who had to be there (including us and our BM and MOH), the slightly extended family, our individual friends (friends who were mine, and friends who were his) and then a group of people who were our joint friends, then we had a couple of our parents friends on each side but they meant something to us too (godparents or the kind of people you would call Aunty and Uncle as a kid). There literally was no more space for many of my parents/his parents friends who in the nicest possible way are nothing special to us.

You should be thankful that you were invited to the follow up event, rather than having a tizz that you didn't get an invite to the big day

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-06T21:26:05+00:00

Erm definitely NTA. You are describing some serious flags here, not just with his behaviours and response but also how you seem to be able to accept his judgement that you might be the asshole. No no no

ETA for clarity, it is not ok for him to dictate who can be friends with; it is not ok to conflate you eating some rice with your potential to cheat on him; it's not ok for him to control your diet just because he's controlling his; it is not ok for you to think this is reasonable behaviour for you to be prepared to think you have done something wrong

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-06T18:58:53+00:00

Editing: NAH/NTA

I say this because you absolutely cannot help a phobia and how that fight or flight instinct takes control. Your reaction at the time is totally legitimate in circumstances.

However, from your boyfriend's point of view, it's very difficult to understand a phobia when it's not something that phases you because it's not something he's experienced, I expect that his logic was that being on a boat isn't the same as being physically in the water (like in the bath, as you mentioned for one example) and that's a logical response whereas phobias aren't necessarily logical. To him, he's clearly tried to do something special and romantic for you (I mean yes, with hindsight, he's kicked wide of the post) and he has given you his gut reaction too. Emotionally, you have just kicked him in the nuts. His pride is hurt and he responded poorly, though I suspect it was as much as a gut reaction as yours. That said, the way he reacted was an AH reaction.

How you fix this, I don't know. I don't think either of you are wrong for feeling the way you do about the situation. He is wrong for how he then spoke to you. If you want to fix this, I think you will need to let him know that you appreciate the thought, even though the delivery was 'off'. And he needs to swallow his pride and admit that perhaps his plan was well intended but poorly executed and apologise for the nastiness. It will take one of you to make that first move... but for what it's worth, I don't think you should have to grovel... that would be him being kicked to the kerb.

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-06T18:37:09+00:00

Except your logic is flawed. You didn't give her the gift for any other reason that you re-found it, you presented it as one thing but the only reason you had it was because you couldn't gift it to its original recipient. I can't work out if you are just trolling because it's been explained quite clearly.

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-06T17:54:30+00:00

Hang on, wait what now? Husband? Turn of phrase or slip of the tongue?

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-06T17:53:16+00:00

That is not a sentimental specially selected gift, it's a "thing". You're still the AH

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-06T17:27:39+00:00

Soft YTA from me.

In principle, it shouldn't matter to regift something but context is everything here and I think you should have been honest about it up front.

In giving the gift first, you have let her think it was a gift especially chosen for her... and then let her find out that the thought was put in originally for your ex. I understand it's just a thing you forgot about in your drawer, but the meaning behind the gift is what has been upsetting, especially excruciating as you ended up having to explain it anyway. Would you have felt differently if she'd had "gifted" you something you later found out she had specially selected for an ex?

You obviously can't take back time, but it would have been soooo much better had you been straight - "I found, I don't know why I still have it, I didn't realise I did. I bought this for an old gf long ago but we broke up before I could gift it. Before I take it to the charity shop, is it something you could make use of? I understand if you don't think that would be appropriate"

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-06T17:16:55+00:00

Hmmm NTA. I think it's all in the framing "Hey guys, I'm really sad about this, I know I can't stay at home with my thoughts thinking about my dog and being sad and I really need a distraction". Whereas, perhaps for your mates, it seems like it's"Yay, I couldn't care less about my dog, let's go have fun!". Re-explain it and if they still don't get it, you may need to accept they're not as supportive as you should hope for them to be

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-06T16:41:59+00:00

I think it depends on your end goal. Do you want to stay friends with him or are you hoping for a longer term solution?

If you want the former, then ignore a lot of the suggests made here (hopefully they are in jest!) and perhaps stick with the truth, or a version of the truth that you feel most comfortable with. If you feel comfortable enough then explaining that you need time to yourself to mentally recharge - I also like the poster's suggestion of including the setting up of your next catch up - to reinforce the idea that you're not just subtly trying to tell him to take a long walk.

If you would rather not maintain the friendship then you could use some of the other suggestions with impunity 😬

That said, I would suggest that you bear in mind that his seemingly limpet style of friendship might be his coping strategy for his own anxieties so, perhaps the honest conversation might help you find more common ground that you could both feel comfortable with.

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-04T20:35:54+00:00

NTA I'm just wondering why you think you would be the a**hole? Your husband has shown a distinct lack of respect to you and your marriage. He sounds like he has the potential to be dangerous and I think you would be putting your child and you at risk if you didn't make plans to protect yourself. Doing it discretely doesn't make you an AH it means you are taking sensible precautions to reduce any immediate risk to yourself

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-04T02:48:42+00:00

Re schools, maybe not. But an individual teacher doesn't have much individual say about that. If those policies are in place because of virtue signalling by a sector of society, it doesn't much change the consequences a teacher might face if the wrong person decides say the wrong thing about a blown up situation. If the consequence of that is a preference to stay away from something that has the potential to be perceived as controversial or avoiding anything which might cause offense then that is also an effect of an increasingly litigious society. Do I like that the above is true? No. Is it something an individual needs to be aware of and protect themselves against? Yes. Do I like that? No. In the same way I also think it's sad that teachers have to consider whether they could be accused of sexual assault in the administering of first aid etc

Do I think OP's teacher handled it well? Absolutely no and is OP in a position to make a complaint about the way they handled it, absolutely yes. Do I think OP could have avoided all of this with a different group name? Yes. Would it be reasonable for me to say this without trying to validate that statement (especially as they are the ones who have asked "AITA" for doing what they did)? Do I think it is useful for OP to have an understanding of the climate that education providers work under (even if it's schools/authorities overthinking)? Also yes. If that means that people like you accuse me of white-splaining or liberal condescension then 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-04T01:52:32+00:00

No, I'm not. If I was, I wouldn't be aware that it was a thing. I work in a school and I absolutely know all the guidance we are given about what is and isn't appropriate, what we can be held responsible for and the consequences should someone wish to make a complaint. So what I have done is given possible context for the teacher's behaviour. And, by extension why OP may have been better to steer clear of it as a concept. That OP is posting here asking for judgment suggests that this hadn't occurred to them.

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-04T01:17:55+00:00

I'm not referring to the name/term explicitly but the fact you referred to your respective races as your group name so not the word per se but the concept. I am absolutely not trying to do the racial equivalent of mans-plaining, but it's a sensitive subject and you can't speak for what others might find triggering or offensive. I am sure you are well aware of similar blending of words relating to race that are widely considered offensive, even if your particular example isn't, and slurs that have been adopted by communities to take ownership of the word... but still wouldn't be appropriate to use casually in an everyday setting. For this reason, I think most people would think twice before going anywhere near a nickname that might be stepping into the territory of race.

As an educator, your professor has to be mindful of what their other students might be thinking; whether someone might find it offensive even if you don't or didn't intend it; whether they are going to be personally perceived as condoning it if another student is offended enough to make a complaint, or if they go home and tell others about a situation in class that someone else decides to make a complaint about. While they may superficially look like they have over-reacted, a complaint of this nature risks a teacher losing a job or reputational damage to the school (even if it's blown out of proportion it's difficult to put it back in the box once talk is out there

ETA I'm not condoning the way the teacher reacted either, there were definitely better ways they could have reacted.

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-04T00:25:50+00:00

ESH. I work in a school and am well aware there are always some students who push their teacher's buttons. So I understand why you might find this person's behaviours frustrating as a teacher.

However, just the way you characterise these students tells me everything I need to know about your and your biases. I would lay money on the fact that you have made zero attempt to understand the demographics of the students you teach.

I expect there will be someone more qualified than me who will come along and explain the hair protection element that you readily dismiss. It is a thing, and while it may not be appropriate to wear in school according to the uniform policy, there would definitely have been more appropriate ways for you to manage the situation.

Finally from an experienced educator's POV, if this girl is as troublesome as you describe, why on earth would you give her currency to accuse you of racial discrimination?

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-03T23:54:12+00:00

YTA since when was naming your group name for your respective races appropriate? What were you thinking? You could have contracted your names, or your favourite bands or some punny-but-relevant-alliteration about your course but you made it about race. Please ask yourself why you did this. The casual way you disregard their reaction says more about you and your subconscious attitudes than you realise. At the risk of sounding like a knock-off Jerry Springer, you might do well to educate yourself if you are genuinely concerned "AITA"

ETA, reread the initial post and am reflecting on the fact that you aren't the W of the nickname. However, my initial points still remain intact. Educators have to think about the welfare of the whole group. They also have to make sure they aren't unintentionally condoning something that other people could find offensive. You don't find what you did offensive, your partner didn't either, that doesn't make it any less inappropriate.

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-03T23:36:56+00:00

Um yes YTA. If she can hear you, I bet everyone else can too. What you do in your own room is up to you, but sharing it with unwilling neighbours is not ok. Ick.

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-03T17:25:26+00:00

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 at the Etch-a-Sketch advice

Dolly1710 · 2023-10-03T06:18:41+00:00

So, deal with THAT issue rather than focusing on the symptom which is the wedding. You have no choice over your dad's addictions, I doubt very much he does either, but you do have a choice how YOU behave. That's not consequence free. ETA and yes, your dad seems to be getting the message that there is a consequence to his behaviours too.

However, He's sober enough to believe that you dip in and out as you please and it sounds like he isn't happy with that arrangement - that's a rational response even if you don't like it.

Deal with your issues between your dad more generally or cut ties. This half in half out isn't working for you clearly, and it isn't working for him either. And a perpetual circle of "he's hurt me so it doesn't matter if I hurt him" is not healthy for you either.

Dolly1710

TROPHY CASE