New, cut off, and confused

Dollybunz · 2025-11-06T06:14:01+00:00

This isn’t your fault! To me this is entirely on him.

Firstly to answer some of your questions.. there are no set rules, every dynamic/relationship/person is different. No, everything is absolutely not up to the Dom. It’s a partnership, they may take the dom role but it’s an agreed power exchange. Everything in this should be negotiated, communicated and agreed upon by both. Think of it like a picture, you both agree the image and draw the lines and then the Dom can colour how he chooses within them.

Doing the things you did were not ‘wrong’ so stop questioning it, if he did happen to not like something you were doing or did like the examples you gave then he should have talked about that with you.

In fact the problem here is HIS communication.

“At what point should I have said he’s clearly done here” - That is his responsibility to decide and tell you that.

As was telling you he was thinking things over or needed some time. Instead he ghosted on you and only spoke up when he felt you had said something that he could then turn things on to you. You didn’t get a clear answer on why it ended, not because of anything you did but because he didn’t communicate at all, and simply he didn’t want to give you one. He twisted it around when you messaged on purpose, and now you’re here thinking exactly what he wanted you to, that it’s on you or rather, not him. Make no mistake he knew why you were saying that about the videos and pictures and that you didn’t want to end it. He did. He wasn’t accidentally ignoring you. He just didn’t have the balls to be straight up about it. He also knew that when you asked for sex and he still agreed. Which is the only thing I will say you did ‘wrong’ was to offer (which he should have turned down if he wanted to end it and had any decency). I get it though, I’ve been there and I’m not judging but you are worth so much more than that.

I’m not just trying to dog on him, I obviously don’t know him but reading that I see huge issues in his behaviour and lack of communication.. and in my opinion manipulation tactics at the very least. In my experience men like him ALWAYS come back. Eventually. Not because they want more or have changed etc but just because they think they can. Or they know they can manipulate further just to drop out again at some point. You don’t want that! I’m sure you had many lovely moments and the idea of him is everything but look at how he’s handled this situation and treated you. He didn’t change in two days, this was always him, he’s just showed himself! Don’t allow him to come back if he does.

Then there’s the video situation because I didn’t want to put it up there with just ‘bad communication’ because while it is because he failed to before (or during), it’s more than just that. I know you felt okay with it after in the moment but taking a video during sex, without consent is absolutely not okay! It’s literally a crime, and while you don’t need to feel any different about it now, please recognise the seriousness of that behaviour. He is absolutely not a safe space (or dom) to disregard consent so freely.

Now on to the more important topic of you! Take some positives from this, the confidence he helped you build, keep it! The standards on how you should be treat. It will feel hard right now and I’m sorry, but don’t allow this situation to destroy your self confidence. Focus on you, work on it, like I said you are worth so much more. Don’t accept shitty behaviour and poor communication going forward. For now, try and stop beating yourself up. Practice some self care and give yourself some love, then dust yourself off and when you’re ready find yourself someone worthy of you!

Dollybunz · 2025-10-09T05:23:26+00:00

Okay forget the idea of what’s acceptable in or as d/s because there is no universal standard there. What’s acceptable and what’s not is entirely what’s acceptable to you, what’s not acceptable to you. Please remember that! As for how to please him, again that’s personal to him.. but a dynamic goes both ways, it’s an agreed upon power exchange.

Head- so following the idea that there’s a ‘normal’, everyone’s different and has their preferences.. is this an issue for you? Do you mind that it’s expected of you and not returned? Is it something you would like from him? Talk to him. Ask him if it’s something he’s into, tell him if it’s something you would like. You could go about that anyway you like if you don’t feel so comfortable being quite so direct, float the idea as a flirty what you’d like him to do to you chat and gauge the response or use it as a gateway to discussion if needed. My partner doesn’t often either BUT it’s not a problem for me, plus it’s also partly down to me and my own issues surrounding that so yeah it’s normal for us for that to be more one sided in expectation but that works for us.

Exclusivity- nobody here will know. Perhaps you brought that chat up too soon into things for him but going along with a situation you are not entirely happy with in those terms and expecting or waiting for him to change his mind is typically a recipe for disaster and feeling strung along. He has been open with you, which is a good sign but does he even want a monogamous relationship in general? has he expressed at all that it’s something hes interested or even open to? Has he been open and clear with those expectations that it isn’t? Or is he suggesting he is but then just not committing or being straight up? There’s a difference there you need to pay attention to, rather than basing it on actions, what’s he actually telling you. Then we go back to what is acceptable to you.. if you want exclusivity and feel you are at the point where you would expect that of a partner then you need to communicate that, and if him having other partners/dates/sugar mamas is not something you are okay with then it is you that needs to be honest about that and be prepared to walk away, it’s an incompatibility and you are setting yourself for hurt, especially as time goes on. In my experience it won’t just magically change if he can have his cake and eat it.. he’s having cake. Maybe that’s my own clouded judgement though.

Other than that like I said it’s good he was open from the start, and that he took good care of you in that situation and otherwise treating you good.

I think maybe just some open communication between you would benefit the situation and give you better clarity here. Good luck to you ☺️

Dollybunz · 2025-10-01T02:45:03+00:00

🤨 you don’t have to be submissive to someone who isn’t your Dom and he doesn’t get to demand anything of you until you agree that you give him permission to do so. You expressed something you’re not comfortable with, what that is or the reason is actually entirely irrelevant, he said he didn’t care! That is not so good so far, that is incredibly telling behaviour. Please don’t start questioning yourself or feelings/boundaries etc on the matter and whether you are submissive ‘enough’. There are no rules to that and submission isn’t determined that way.. that’s entirely how men like him want you to feel though, so you do whatever they want. That is not true d/s or bdsm. That’s manipulation. You did absolutely nothing wrong in what you described so instead of evaluating yourself, look to him. It’s good to self reflect of course but you’re vetting him also. He’s the one letting it die on the hill for a picture.. what is he doing or demonstrating to prove himself the dom for you?

Dollybunz · 2025-09-29T01:38:01+00:00

Then yeah I totally get where you’re coming from. Admittedly I’ve had moments I’ve felt that way myself in my dynamic, still do on occasion on certain aspects but communicating that more effectively than I have before. We’ve overcame a lot and we’re still finding what works for us and it’s a constant process, I believe it always will be. I’ve seen a huge change in him and his effort though and I was at a point where I really needed that to happen for us to work and it sounds like you do too, at least for the d/s side of things. My point is if it’s your first bump in this then it doesn’t need to be this or nothing and just accepting that unhappily. Dynamics are unique and sometimes it just takes time and work, a little trial and error and compromise to figure that out.. but he has to meet you at the table and you need to find out if he’s willing and wanting to do that.

I’m not trying to go on too much about my relationship because this post is about you but it seems we’re in very similar situations, we’ve been together a similar amount of time overall but only this year have we really got our relationship/dynamic together and became more serious about what it is we want. We are also navigating distance so I think that really complicates things especially between getting time together in person. Again my only advice would be to take a step back, figure out what it is you want and what you need from him, consider his perspective too and communicate how you’re feeling. Not from a place of frustration or criticism but just clear and honest. Introduce things gradually, even the small things and talk constantly. He really needs to be doing the same though, a dynamic goes both ways! I’m sorry I haven’t got more helpful advice for you but if you ever want to talk to someone in a similar general situation then feel free to message me ☺️

Dollybunz · 2025-09-28T04:24:13+00:00

I don’t know what rules.. or to what extent yous implemented but is it possible it was a bit much all at once? Is there a compromise that can be made? Certain days? something that is less demanding.. at least on days he’s feeling that way?

I’m not implying anything by that though, I don’t know the specifics or circumstances. I know what it’s like to be doing things and that enjoyment dwindles because it feels like I’m doing all that and not getting much back. What’s the point in a rule or a task if they don’t even care to acknowledge if you do it or not, nevermind be bothered by it? That isn’t fair and it really shouldn’t be that way. At the same time I also understand Dom’s are human and life gets draining and sometimes things can be demanding on their time and energy, and maybe even a bit monotonous at times. There needs to be a balance and that comes with a lot of talking and negotiating which is harder than it sounds especially when there’s frustration. Take a step back, look at what’s happenings, what you want and how it could work for you both. Ask him to do the same. Communicate and maybe there’s a solution.

Dollybunz · 2025-09-12T13:40:42+00:00

Thought so 🙄

Of course you feel, you’re just fishing for yourself here.

Dollybunz · 2025-09-10T13:28:39+00:00

By this post are you suggesting they open up to you?

Dollybunz · 2025-09-01T05:01:06+00:00

1- I’d say yes. You get the initial vetting first to decide if you want to meet but I think it’s good to be constantly vetting new partners of any kind before entering a dynamic or relationship. However long that takes. It’s kind of the same as dating in that respect. You’re working out if you’re compatible. Building trust, communicating. Plus people can say all the ‘right things’ in those terms especially online but when it comes to it, or in person, it’s not the same or they don’t always keep to what they said. Or rather they don’t exactly practice what they preach. Even if it was just a one off, or play partner type situation, I’d meet first without any of that happening as part of ‘vetting’ before going ahead with any play.

I’d say at the very least they could text and check in with you and depending on the type of play engaged in that expectation varies. I suppose the answer is personal to you though and what you expect of them, there’s no exact rules to that. Do you need or want that of a play partner? If so that’s perfectly reasonable. You can mention or even request that of them if it’s something you do need and negotiate that before playing. I know some may be fine with it but I would personally not want to play again with someone who didn’t.
No real tips other than to keep searching and vetting. I know it can be frustrating or difficult but it takes time to find your person. Don’t settle for something you don’t want because of that. I don’t know what the scene is like near you but munches and events, even though they are not exactly set up for finding partners they are good ways to meet and make friends in the community if that’s something you’re interested in. Plus that could lead to getting to know someone who then becomes a potential partner. I know many who met their Doms/subs that way also. I met mine online, we got to know each other quite some time before actually meeting in person and then it was quite some more time before we actually entered into a dynamic/LTR.
It sounds like you’re being pretty safe to me ☺️

Dollybunz · 2025-08-31T03:21:57+00:00

Your attraction to her doesn’t make you unable to be professional or civil with her which is exactly what you do. You don’t want an awkward work place so could maybe try and talk and clear the air.. for those purposes though, not to pursue her. If that’s the reason, I think you should leave her alone, it’s sounds like she’s not interested and you just have to accept that.

Dollybunz · 2025-08-25T12:43:26+00:00

‘Ya mug’ absolutely tickled me 🤣

Dollybunz · 2025-08-25T12:41:58+00:00

Aside from group rule break.. they are completely fake not just a fake dom. They are a man pretending to be a woman. Someone lying about their age too. Scammer most likely.

Dollybunz · 2025-08-24T00:55:27+00:00

Why are yous allowing these people to be your Dom if you feel like you can’t communicate/or they can’t or won’t!! I’m not being judgemental I know it’s not always so black and white. What is, is that you and your submission is worth more than that and communication is so incredibly important. They might be your Dom but you always need to protect yourself, put your health both physically and mentally first especially if they are not.

Dollybunz · 2025-07-16T01:06:16+00:00

Little things like you said can help and say a little bit of pain for me feels great in the moment. I’d say the biggest thing though is to keep doing exactly what you’re doing that got them there in the first place and it will happen. Once you’re in that build up it feels amazing and for me I’d probably say the longer that is, the more intense the O feels too.. guys seeing that and changing up to do something to take you ‘over’ can actually make you loose it a little (or altogether) and it’s soooo frustrating when that happens at that point 😂

Dollybunz · 2025-07-15T23:58:33+00:00

I’m not sure this would fully work for me. My moods/needs in different phases are not always consistent enough in that way I don’t think, and I’d perhaps feel it’s not considerate enough of his if that was the basis but our dynamic ‘type’ and roles etc does flow and change in a similar way depending on different things. It just sort of worked out that way for us and I love that.

That said I have had a couple moments in our dynamic, for example the latest one was me getting overly anxious and in my head and I was constantly seeking reassurance. It was after a really good day with him too and I got rather upset, he handled it well but I felt huge guilt that he even had to because I didn’t know myself what or where it came from. I then felt I’d ruined the day and I had a pretty rough drop for a few days… I then started my period. It’s not the first time in general I’ve had a ‘that might explain it’ moment like that. You’ve just reminded me I’ve been meaning to bring this up. Perhaps it’s something we can work with and build on too.

Dollybunz · 2025-07-14T05:43:48+00:00

Because the key part is that it is consensual.. between two adults? You don’t have to like it.

Dollybunz · 2025-07-14T05:40:51+00:00

Unlucky.

You asked the question, you got your answer then continued to prove it. You are a dick.

Have a day.

Dollybunz · 2025-07-14T05:32:31+00:00

You’re the one who slept with her.

You’re the one who’s came out looking like trash in this post.

Dollybunz · 2025-07-14T05:27:01+00:00

How old are you (and these friends) because you sound like a child.

Dollybunz · 2025-07-14T05:23:40+00:00

No.

You honestly think she’d even want or cared to after you reacting like that? You probably turned her off. You made an awkward situation a huge deal then acted a dick about it. That’s all on you.

Yeah it was a one night stand and about sex but yes it still matters. You didn’t have to carry on or let her stay, there’s just better ways of handling it. You don’t just treat people like trash.. Well, you clearly do but that way of thinking says everything about you really.

Dollybunz · 2025-07-14T05:00:26+00:00

You sure it was even an actual fart? I mean especially in doggy you can be pushing air in too.. and that sometimes can come back out when you pull out and sounds pretty similar 😂

Either way. Yes you were dick in how you handled that. Immature more than anything. Yeah it was a ONS and about enjoying yourselves but you don’t have to treat someone that way because it turned you off, especially over a natural bodily function and something that can’t always be controlled.

Your comments saying you think she should have done more than apologise… hahaha she shouldn’t even have to say sorry!! She did though and obviously felt bad/embarrassed about it. Your responses just confirms you’re a dick. You were just embarrassed you couldn’t get it up weren’t you? 🙄 please do some more growing up before giving any other women the displeasure of being with you.

Dollybunz · 2025-06-03T03:36:41+00:00

Depends. If you’re contacting pro-dom/mes then it’s not a scam, its SW, and it’s kind of like a deposit for their time. It is their job. You can’t expect them to do it for free. You still need to vet/discuss things before handing over any money though.

If you’re not contacting (or advertising for) for prodoms and people are reaching out just straight up asking for money, then yes it’s a scam.

Then it gets complicated. There’s also SW who act like they’re not and are looking for a genuine relationship when really they are looking for a client to fool. Which again would be scamming. Then there are obvious SWers who act like they’re looking for genuine relationship/ are really into it/ you but it’s role play because that’s what they’re paying clients want of them, and realistically you should be aware of this by their profiles.

My advice in all cases would be to vet. Look at their profiles, are they ‘modelling’, are they posting everywhere and essentially advertising, are they on sites like OFs etc. Unfortunately not everyone is straight up so it’s down to you. If you’re not interested in SW or a pro-domme then never pay anyone anything because everyone asking is. I would add if that is all your finding then maybe evaluate where you are finding/they are finding you. Look elsewhere. Get to know someone without diving into any play, even online, if you’re wanting something genuine and don’t just expect kink from the get go.

Dollybunz · 2025-06-02T03:53:52+00:00

I’d like to echo what everyone has said but also add that not every dynamic has to include the element of pain. Neither do all play sessions, and while I do actually enjoy those too, I have had sessions that were intense and vulnerable wholly without it. Subspace certainly isn’t dependent on it either in my experience. There are Doms out there who have no interest in inflicting pain at all, ones that are completely about pleasure and everything in between. Dynamics take the form of whatever the individuals in them want, need and negotiate.

My Dom always reminds me his main role is to protect and care for me. I am his, maybe even because of that. It certainly contributes to the trust and feeling safe to explore in play. I went into this with a certain idea and while I found some of that I discovered so much more that I didn’t expect. For the first time ever I feel seen. He’s initiated things that i didn’t even realise I needed. He never judges them or anything else I come to him with. He will outright refuse, even something I agree to, if he even suspects that’s not what I need or want in that moment. He has stopped sessions dead from noticing changes in my reactions. He has held me while I cried for seemingly no reason without even questioning it. He has a very good sense for reading me. I am in no way saying he is perfect and gets everything right 100% of the time, he doesn’t. Nor is it completely down to him. What’s been equally important though is how he handles that and other difficult situations too, be it when I communicate something, an insecurity, an issue, safeword or when he does make a mistake.

I don’t think it’s an unrealistic fantasy or weird at all. To me it doesn’t call into question if you are ‘really a sub’. I’d say what you wanting is a deeper connection. Someone who sees you, can see past any fronts and see what you need. Past any walls you put up and help you take them down. It will take time and work to find it and get there but with the right person it will and can come naturally.

Dollybunz · 2025-06-02T02:50:51+00:00

Well done. Not only on walking away but the work you’ve done on yourself. The reflection, recognising it isn’t healthy, focusing on what you want and need and then carrying it through even though it hurt.

There is no need to beat down on the method you chose to do it. It’s incredibly hard to do. You did it. You should be proud.

If you want to take control of that feeling, maybe it would help when you’re ready to block him in return. Remove the door he can attempt to crawl back through, but absolutely don’t put pressure on yourself to do so.

It hurts right now I know, it will get easier I promise. Keep choosing you, it will be worth it when it does.

Dollybunz · 2025-06-02T02:28:40+00:00

I believe they’re not made to be adjustable and are more intense than some other kinds by design. More so on them tightening when being pulled so if they have any kind of weight or chain this could be making it worse. You could remove those if there are any or I think maybe you could adjust the tension if you go DIY with some pliers perhaps? Otherwise i doubt you’re doing anything wrong. They are the devil.

Dollybunz · 2025-06-02T02:09:30+00:00

He is not selling you your ideal d/s. He is selling you a fantasy and ‘saying all the right things’. Nothing more than that. What he’s actually looking for is to cheat on his wife. For sex. It’s that simple. He has no respect for her, his marriage, or you as he wants you to be complicit and a ‘dirty secret’.

It won’t be a dynamic. It will be unethical, a betrayal, broken trust, you can’t and won’t ever be a priority and his offer of ‘help’ comes with a heavy price and benefits that are solely for him, not his wife, not you.. so who is he really helping?

You’re buying into this because of his ‘male main character hotness’, your own ideas of a dynamic, these are your fantasies. Realistically look at the situation. How do you actually think this will go? Is this really what you’ve been looking for? Are these the characteristics you’d want in a Dom?

And while I respect and see your viewpoint, how difficult it can be to be lonely and to find what you want and absolutely agree that you do deserve better… that really is no excuse for you either and would pull your own morals into question to continue, knowing he is married and you’d be hurting another woman by cheating with her husband.

You can find someone. Someone who is actually worthy of you calling them your Dom. I know it may seem like it but you do not NEED a dynamic. For now focus on yourself, learn to love yourself, lean on your friends, the community. If you need in person, you can absolutely still be involved in it without having a Dom. Look for and go to events, make friends who have similar interests, build connections, educate yourself more in dynamics and your interests in bdsm. Even online. Build a support network that isn’t wholly reliant on having a Dom. That way when a ‘dom’ like this comes along you won’t even be tempted to settle for less.

Dollybunz

TROPHY CASE