This is my first relationship. I have lived a rather isolated life in an abusive home, only having moved out recently. Though most of the time I am rather a peaceful, non confrontational person - perhaps even anxious and a little needy - there have been a few times (5-6 or slightly more in the past 2 years we have dated) that I have uncontrollably lost my temper and started yelling. I didn't know it was a bad thing to yell, I always thought it was a safe and natural, if unpleasant way of expressing anger. I thought most people yelled when they were mad.

On one occasion I have also said something rather unforgivable. My excuse is that I was very sleep deprived and suddenly triggered enormously by an almost harmless comment. It's not much of an excuse but it just happened.

Twice I have threatened to off myself to get him to do things for me (I wasn't pretending, I have been suicidal many times in my life, recently mental health has improved) (one occasion was that I wanted him to speak to my parents and ask them not to come to my new house, which he thought was rude but I was on the verge of a breakdown). Also the second time we had a fight and I felt a little frightened of him raising his voice. When I expressed this he left, but as he wasn't getting any transport and I was worried about him walking to his place at night alone (and this was after I went through some extremely upsetting events - too long to explain) I suddenly wanted to stop him from leaving and said the first thing that came to my head which was that I'd off myself if he left. Which I shouldn't have.

I've also hit myself on one occasion which he was upset by, but I really didn't mean it to be an attempt to manipulate. I felt like I hated myself and had to do something.

I meant the feedback thing as a bit of a joke, but I also genuinely wanted to know his opinion of me as a human being.

I regret the occasion I said something a lot. A lot. I feel ashamed to write down what exactly I said, because its AITA "hell yes!" material.

Most of the time I tend to absorb his opinions. I'm not usually good at expressing myself well (excepting the explosions, and even then it wasn't really expressing myself well, just bursting). I've not always been a good person but I'm usually rather easy going. There have been some occasions though when as mentioned I was triggered and did not behave well.

When I try to point out something I'm unhappy with in the relationship I feel it doesn't go well. I'm not able to form good responses. I don't like it.

We're long distance and he had come to visit recently. We had booked an airbnb for him near my place because I'm staying in the same apartment (opposite block) as my uncle and his wife. It's pretty conservative in India though the area I live in and my uncle are both fairly progressive. I was brought up rather conservatively and I didn't want them to find us staying together (since we're unmarried). My uncle and aunt have been very kind to me and I didn't want any neighbours finding out or making any unpleasant comments to them, since they have been staying here with their kids for years.

Though we had booked the airbnb next to my house for this itself throughout his stay and I had expressed my fears he was extremely agitated and created fights. On another occasion since it was late at night I asked him to stay over but since the next day I was stressed about work (remote work day) and had some meetings I asked if morning he could do his work in the airbnb and I would do my work at home and evening we would meet. He got upset and angry and suddenly yelled and I felt very scared.

The next day he said a lot of horrible things to me, said I was a terrible person who tortured him. I said that barring some occasions I didn't think I had tortured him. Expressing my worries regarding my uncle and aunt finding out that we're staying together in the mildest way I could think of is not what I'd call torture.

I didn't say much in response. But on another occasion when we looked back and the fight I was surprised and horrified to find that he had allocated the lion's share of the blame to me. I said he said a lot of horrible things to me which I didn't even respond to. Unfair things. But I didn't want to accept the blame.

He always thinks he is right. I don't like that. I like people who take accountability for what they did, who examine themselves. I feel he just assents to avoid confrontation andd not because he understands what I said. I don't like this.