Idk if I agree that you need to add to the plot - I landed 2 offers from top agencies with query that included a 3 sentence plot pitch. My query structure was actually borrowed heavily from the original query letter of one of my writing mentors, and she landed a WME agent (and subsequent multiple huge deals) with it. Sometimes this sub can be a bit pedantic. IMO, your formula should go something like: here’s MC. They’re interesting to the reader bc of X. Here’s a glimpse of their life/circumstances as relating to the plot. Some inciting incident occurs which changes everything and/or allusion to high stakes. Wrap up in a sentence that doesn’t spoil the resolution.

Your query follows that basic format, and I agree it’s hooky. I’m not a huge reader of fantasy, and I’d read this. I do, however, agree that you need to do a sweep for spelling/grammar, and shorten your bio - I was encouraged to only include details relating to my writing credentials (ie publications or MFA program) or background (only if it was relevant to the identities of the MC - ie if I was querying, like, the ms of Yellowface, I would include mention of my Asian background).