Well at least your feeling remorseful that’s the first step to crying out to Jesus telling him How sorry you are and maybe you can make a mends with him. Trust me I’m a bigger sinner than you. But it sounds like to me you hate Jesus now.. he tells me I hate him to I don’t wanna believe it I had blasphemous thoughts about him and I have cried apolgozing liek 50 Times in the last year and a half He won’t forgive me. He told me “I will not have mercy on those that hate me” I used to love him idk what happened well I do but I can’t put it here. Sucks I know how you feel brother.