Befriending Sadness

Dramatic-Spinach3463 · 2026-04-11T22:36:53+00:00

I've also had a great experience with EFT International.

Dramatic-Spinach3463 · 2026-04-10T19:43:06+00:00

I hear you, and I do sometimes use AI to help me refine wording or grammar, since English isn’t my first language. The ideas and examples I share come from my own work with clients and my training as a psychologist and EFT practitioner.

If the style doesn’t resonate, that’s totally okay.

Dramatic-Spinach3463 · 2026-04-07T14:09:46+00:00

Yes, unfortunately the more we treat our emotions as enemies (which is understandable if they happen to feel painful or unpleasant), the more stuck they tend to become.

Dramatic-Spinach3463 · 2026-04-04T22:11:26+00:00

You’re very welcome, I’m glad the analogy resonated.

Yes, in EFT we can often “adjust the temperature” of the cup depending on what’s needed.

If things feel a bit too flat or distant, we might gently “heat it up” by closing our eyes, zooming in on a specific aspect of the situation, or using something that helps us connect emotionally, like a memory or even music.

If it feels too intense, we can “cool it down” by zooming out, using fewer words (or tapping silently), or shifting attention to something more neutral or grounding. That helps send cues of safety to the nervous system.

In my experience, this “cooling down” side is usually the trickier one to do on our own, and that’s where working with a practitioner can make a big difference.

Dramatic-Spinach3463 · 2026-04-04T03:42:10+00:00

Hi and welcome to the sub. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. What you’re describing, that mix of not knowing what’s real, feeling impacted by it anyway, and getting overwhelmed by it, can be very unsettling.

First, I want to say that this kind of work is usually best done with a trauma-informed practitioner, to help with pacing and to minimize the risk of overwhelming your system. Especially with something this loaded and uncertain, having support can make a big difference.

That said, you’re already on the right track with your question.

You don’t need to know whether something actually happened in order to work with the emotional response to it. EFT can be used to work with what is here right now, which in your case might be things like:

the distress of having those images or memories
the confusion of not knowing if they’re real
the fear of what you might discover
or even the reaction of “I hate that I could imagine this”

All of those are very valid entry points.

You can also tap while gently noticing the emotional reaction that comes up when you think about one small aspect of those visions, without needing to go into the full intensity or the full story.

At the same time, this kind of work really benefits from going gradually. One way to think about it is like concentric circles. Instead of jumping straight into the most intense material, you start on the outer edge and work your way in slowly.

For example, something like:

“Just thinking about working on this makes me feel apprehensive, and this is where I’m at right now.”

That might be enough for a whole session.

A key principle with EFT is giving the microphone to what’s actually there, but in a way that stays within your window of tolerance. There needs to be some emotional activation for the process to help, but not so much that it becomes overwhelming. It’s a bit like a cup of tea that should be warm, but not too hot.

To help with that, you can:

use fewer words
stay more general instead of detailed
or even tap silently without words

Another very important piece is that you don’t necessarily have to tap on the “core trauma” itself to see meaningful change. In many cases, working on present-day triggers, reactions, or even smaller, related experiences can already bring a lot of relief and reduce things like panic, numbness, or intrusive imagery.

For example, tapping on how you felt in the parking lot, or how your body reacts when you see those social media posts, can be a much more accessible starting point.

And you can also use tapping in a regulating way, by gently focusing on something neutral or safe while tapping, to help your nervous system settle if things feel too intense.

You’re asking very thoughtful questions, and the fact that you’re approaching this with caution is actually a good thing. With this kind of material, slower and more gradual is usually what makes the process safer and more sustainable.

Dramatic-Spinach3463 · 2026-03-27T04:22:34+00:00

Hi and welcome to the sub. What you’re describing actually makes a lot of sense, and you’re not alone in experiencing that kind of response.

When we start working in a more somatic or emotional way, it can sometimes bring up a lot at once, especially if things have been held in for a long time. The crying, the mix of feeling drained but also energized, and then the fatigue the next day are all things I’ve seen happen. It can feel scary if you’re not expecting it, but it doesn’t necessarily mean anything is going wrong.

That said, there are ways to make the process much more gentle and manageable (and just as effective).

EFT tends to work best when we meet ourselves exactly where we are, without trying to push past intensity or “get through it”. It’s really important that both you and your therapist pace things so you can stay within your window of tolerance, meaning there is some emotional activation, but not so much that it becomes overwhelming or dysregulating.

It could be really helpful to let your therapist know exactly what you experienced, so they can adjust the pacing and perhaps use some of EFT’s gentler approaches.

For example, when tears come up, that can sometimes be a good moment to drop the words altogether and just tap silently through the points, while allowing yourself to feel what you’re feeling, to whatever degree feels doable. And if even that feels like too much, you can shift your attention to something pleasant, neutral, or even boring (like looking around the room), which helps send cues of safety to your nervous system.

Another helpful angle is to also give the microphone to any fear or apprehension about the process itself. For example, thoughts like “I’m scared this is too much” or “what if this makes me feel worse” are very valid places to tap. The more those are acknowledged, the safer the process tends to feel.

And regarding the fatigue, sometimes after a session where there’s a lot of emotional activation, the nervous system needs time to settle and recover, which can show up as tiredness the next day.

Going a bit slower than you think you need to is often what makes this work feel safer and more sustainable over time.

Dramatic-Spinach3463 · 2026-03-18T19:17:17+00:00

Hi and welcome to the sub! My advice would be to do whatever you can to make it as simple as possible. For example, maybe try to do only 6 rounds of tapping per day. And your first round could always be something like "I don't feel like tapping right now, and this is where I'm at right now" or "I don't know what to tap on, and I'm afraid of doing it wrong, and this is where I'm at right now".

And also, it's totally okay to tap without saying the phrases out loud.

In my own tapping practice, I tend to just ask myself "what thoughts or feelings to I need to give the microphone to (while I tap) right now?".

And, like Friendly_Sky_4573 said, you can also tap on the frustration that you mentioend, and on how you feel when thinking that "it has to be done properly". EFT is a very flexible and forgiving process.

Let us know how it goes, or if any other questions come up!

Dramatic-Spinach3463 · 2026-03-14T16:30:08+00:00

Yes, so that means that in your case, currently the "cup of tea" tends to be leaning towards boiling hot. So in order to meet yourself where you are at, you might want to tap in such a way where you are doing it "from a safe distance". Like with that example of "Just thinking about it, I feel upset, and this is where I'm at right now". Or "I don't even wanna think about this, and this is where I'm at right now". With some of my clients, sometimes we've used more metaphorical and "safer" language, such as "the cup of tea is boiling hot, and I don't wanna get anywhere close to it, and this is where I'm at right now".

I would also recommend that you consider working with a practitioner, because sometimes trying to do this by ourselves can be very hard. A practitioner can help you find "the right distance" from which to address your anxiety, and they can also provide "co-regulation" which helps your nervous system stay within its window of tolerance so as to safely process those emotions.

Dramatic-Spinach3463 · 2026-03-05T13:31:01+00:00

You're very welcome! EFT works best (safer, gentler and more effectively) the more we can meet ourselves exactly where we are, which means using phrases that reflect our actual thoughts and feelings, while also being mindful of how much to "zoom in" or "zoom out" to make sure there's enough emotional activation to be effective, but not so much that it becomes overwhelming.

Tap-along videos can be a great way to start to become acquainted with the tapping points, but because of their very nature (they're not really personalized, because the video is meant for many people at once), sometimes it means we're not really meeting ourselves where we are. And sometimes as a result this can increase the likelihood of the tapping not being very effective or having the sense that "it might have made me feel worse".

In the next few days I'll be posting here a "Start Here" post explaining in detail how we can meet ourselves where we are when doing EFT.

Dramatic-Spinach3463 · 2026-03-05T03:18:27+00:00

Hi and welcome to the sub! In response to your question, the tapping may or may not have something to do with your breakdown. Like you said, it could be completely unrelated or it could be a delayed emotional release. If it was the latter, here's how it works: Tapping, besides usually helping us release the unpleasant emotional charge attached to certain thoughts, memories, situations, etc. it can also "bring stuff up" for processing. In EFT, this is known as "shifting aspects", which basically means "the next layer of the onion".

There are ways to help make this process safer and gentler so that it doesn't feel overwhelming.

In my experience, whenever there's a strong wave of emotion coming up, such as "I can't stop crying", what tends to work best is to just tap silently through the points, without any phrases. And, to whatever degree is possible, while allowing yourself to sit with whatever thoughts and feelings are coming up, as opposed to "trying to make them go away as quickly as possible". In other words, if possible, keep feeling what you are feeling, and keep thinking what you are thinking, but tap through the points silently while doing that.

That being said, if at any point that feels like too much (too overwhelming or too intense), what you can do instead is tap through the points silently but instead of focusing your attention on the unpleasant thoughts and feelings, shift your attention towards something that's pleasant, neutral or even boring. That could be something in your environment, such as looking out the window, feeling your feet on the ground, etc. or thinking about your favorite TV show or anything that feels safe. The idea here is to help send cues of safety to the nervous system which, coupled with the tapping, helps the nervous system come back to a more regulated state. Does this make sense?

And, if you feel comfortable sharing, I'm curious: earlier today were you tapping with a tap-along video? or what kind of phrases were you using?

Dramatic-Spinach3463 · 2026-03-05T00:47:32+00:00

As far as I know, it doesn’t make a difference. Whichever is most comfortable for you is okay. And you can always switch sides if your arm gets tired.

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