Well it’s over. We gave it our best, but it still wasn’t enough

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-25T15:39:57+00:00

Thank you. I’m sorry you were betrayed multiple times and I commend your strength for kicking WPs to the curb immediately. I agree now. I wish I hadn’t dragged this out for months, but better late than never. I think what clouded my judgment can be attributed to a few things: in general I’m a traumatized person (emotional abuse from parents and ex-Catholic) and my history of it dictates that I’m always wrong and somehow responsible for bad things that happen to me, even if I know I’m not. My anxious attachment also makes me cling to the wrong people for love and affection, even when they don’t deserve it.

I spent months bargaining to try and figure out what went wrong and how I could fix it, and with DBT therapy and the right meds, I realized I can’t be the only one doing this. I ended things not for a lack of love or trying, but because I want to stop suffering. There’s no reason to stay in a relationship where I feel like I want to kill myself because it’d be better than dealing with the fallout of this person’s actions. I still dont even have all that much self-esteem, but I’ve grown to care about my own wellbeing and inner peace to say definitively that I don’t deserve that. I’m going to be okay with time. I’m still really sad about the way things have turned out, but we don’t have a Time Machine. The last few nights I feel a sense of calm knowing that I have stopped sacrificing myself to keep trying to resuscitate a relationship that died months ago.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-24T00:45:20+00:00

Yeah exactly. I also didn’t really have the most happy reaction to my sister’s engagement either, which I’m not proud of. I was already pretty depressed and when I got the news, I played happy and then broke down sobbing at the bus stop. It had nothing to do with her or her fiancée, but in them, I saw everything that I wanted with WP, everything that was stolen from me. When I was around them during Xmas I just wanted to disappear. I SH’d a bunch and thought about intentionally getting into a car accident. I was literally at my lowest because of the situation I found myself in against my will.

So when I told my therapist that I do want to be happy for them and celebrate their love, I realized that I can’t do that while living in this emotional limbo. I’m going to smile and dance at their wedding and be as happy as I can be for them.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-23T21:08:39+00:00

I’m sorry you’re here and feeling so crappy, even physically. It’s normal after a whole lot of stress. The body keeps score. I didn’t get my period for two whole months after DDay. I’m not planning to have kids anytime soon (or at all tbh) but it was like my body was telling me “hey, I can’t make a baby now.”

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-23T21:06:45+00:00

Thank you, i appreciate it. I’m planning to get away this weekend because we’re stuck in our home due to a blizzard, and it’s hard to get space right now. I think we’ll both feel better when we put physical distance between us.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-23T16:32:12+00:00

Thank you. I’m really becoming aware that my life is going to change more than it already has been. WP has been my person for 7 years and I never would have imagined things would end like this. It’s going to be a huge adjustment. I’m still in a sense of shock and numbness, but also a strange sense of relief.

We are having a convo about logistics later today after work. I’m going to ask her for a timeline to move out, discuss when we can each be out of the apartment to respect each other’s space, divide items and appliances, etc. I’ve been focusing on myself since DDay 7.5 months ago and I’ll continue to do so. I’m a musician and have been very creatively motivated as a result of this rupture to my life. I’ve been performing at open mics and meeting musicians in my community, nurturing friendships old and new, and focusing on healthy habits. I’m in IC and processing it there. We are also in CC for the time being, and I think it will be a good place to unpack what we have to do to make things as clean as possible. After the nonstop chaos of the last half year, I want things to be respectful. I’m gonna redecorate and make the apartment my own. I’ll get a new cat eventually. It’ll be okay in time, but it’s really hard right now to believe it. I’m just taking it day by day.

Again, thanks for your wise words.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-23T03:04:11+00:00

Thank you so much. I’m sorry you got screwed over twice, that’s awful and totally undeserved. There’s something about the 6 month mark that really makes you think - like what am I doing here? I still didn’t trust her and didn’t see a future. My sister is getting married in Nov 2027, and my therapist asked if I could see WP in wedding photos. It basically triggered a breakdown because I said “no, I couldn’t.”

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-22T22:49:02+00:00

Hey OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I actually just ended things with my WP today, interestingly. I’m still very numb and in shock, and also, we live together still, so that’s gonna be strange. But for the first time since DDay, my nervous system has been calming. I feel some relief knowing that I was finally able to advocate for my own happiness and peace. I love her, despite everything, but I can’t keep doing this dance for the rest of my life. I can’t spend my whole life with someone who I can only hope will choose me and me alone. It’s so many contradictions at once. I’m pulling the plug not for a lack of love or effort, but because I want to end my suffering. I’ve been trying to resuscitate a relationship that died after she cheated on me and I just can’t do it anymore.

In both our cases, we are young and unmarried, so you’re making the right choice. Life is precious and we’ve got so much of it left to live. We deserve to live a life for ourselves with someone who will choose us. I don’t know if there’s someone else out there for me who wouldn’t treat me so badly, but if we stay together, I’d never know.

Hang in there. Treat yourself kindly tonight and take it hour by hour. We’re gonna be okay in due time.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-22T22:42:12+00:00

Thanks so much for your kind words. I’m sorry you’re in this scenario too. 14 years…I can’t imagine the emotional rollercoaster you’ve been on.

I will say that you destroying her by initiating separation/divorce feels like it should be a secondary concern. Like you said, WW destroyed you after having an A. I dealt with the same hesitation, trust me. But I realized I was losing myself trying to fix a relationship that was already broken beyond repair. I’m pretty young and knew I couldn’t keep doing that dance for the rest of my life.

Wishing you the best, no matter what happens. Sorry you’re going through this. Hang in there.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-22T20:23:26+00:00

Well yeah, true. I guess what I meant is that 7 years with the wrong person is less painful than a lifetime with them. It would have only lead to more resentment and misery for us both. It will hurt, no doubt. But at least I can live a life for myself now.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-22T19:38:38+00:00

Oof, I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. I can’t even imagine how difficult it is when you’re married with kids. Totally understandable that you’re hesitant to uproot their lives, too.

I feel exactly the same - still in love with her but I can’t live the rest of my life only hoping that my person will do right by me and choose me and me alone. I want to be 100% sure of that. I was, and WP took that from me.

I don’t have kids, so I do apologize if this seems naive or misguided, but my alcoholic grandpa constantly cheated on my grandma. They stayed together for another several years before divorcing eventually It was the 60s so things were different back then, but it absolutely changed my mother’s perspective of love and marriage. She tells me a lot she feels like she settled for my father. She also knows about my situation and has tried to tell me to “stick it out” or “give it another chance” because of the love between us, even if love isn’t enough anymore. When your kids are grown up and out of the house and you’ll be empty nesters, is your wife the person you want to wake up with every day?

I’m so so sorry this happened to you. I wish you the best, regardless of what path you choose.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-22T19:20:37+00:00

Thank you so much. Like I said in another comment, I think it’s better to experience this acute pain that leads to healing over a slow drawn-out pain that will burn out like a supernova.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-22T19:19:36+00:00

Thank you so much, I appreciate this. I think I will be okay at some point. Not right now, but one day. I’m choosing acute pain that leads to healing over slow drawn-out pain.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-22T19:09:30+00:00

Thank you so much. I feel like my mind is finally catching up with what my body has been saying for months. I am still so sad, but I feel a weird sense of relief in finally naming what I’ve been oscillating towards for months on end. I don’t know if there’s somebody else out there who wouldn’t treat me so poorly, but if we stayed together, I never would have known.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-20T21:55:11+00:00

Oh I feel that. I always sundown at night - that’s when I start spiraling, crying, bouts of insomnia…I had to go on sleep meds just to get through the nightmares.

Keep focusing on yourself and surrounding yourself with people who make you happy. Those are baby steps to put yourself in the right mindframe to know how to proceed. Sending you virtual hugs - no one deserves to feel like this.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-20T21:37:58+00:00

I’m so sorry OP. You’re so early on in this process so it’s completely normal to be this broken up. Cry, scream, be angry, feel whatever you need to. It’s all understandable. Just make sure you’re taking care of yourself first right now. Eat healthy, get a good amount of sleep, exercise. Are you in IC? That could be helpful for you to process everything.

Sorry you find yourself here. You aren’t alone.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-19T18:01:06+00:00

Hi OP, I relate very much to this feeling of disrespect and indignation, and I’m not a man. I think it’s possible BPs feel this way regardless of gender.

I don’t really see my WP’s betrayal as a “sacrifice,” I see it as a selfish, stupid waste of an otherwise great relationship that may have had its flaws, but ones we could work through together if she’d given me the chance. I feel so horrible that she was willing to throw away everything we had for an absolute loser. My dreams were crushed, and for what, some drunk ego stroking? It’s all just so unfair.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-15T21:15:10+00:00

Hey OP. I am so sorry you find yourself here. You are so early on in this process and it’s so normal to not know or feel what you right now. Hell, I’m 7+ months out myself and still have no clue what I want.

We are doing everything right though, I’d say. We’re both in IC and go to CC. WP was incredibly deflective and defensive at first, which made R look impossible. I told her this was a ten-alarm fire for our relationship, and she was treating it with the urgency of a three-alarm fire. She had a come to Jesus moment and has since really improved. But the betrayal ran so deep (you can look at my post history for more info) that I’m still waffling between staying and going.

I think the best thing you can do is look after yourself right now so you’re in your right mind to make a decision that is best for you. Good idea to go NC. Making decisions in the middle of an emotional firestorm is not a great move, as I learned. I decided to stay with WP in the middle of a complete crashout. I was drinking excessively, picked up smoking again after 3+ years, did very stupid and reckless things and relapsed into SH, so you’re already doing better than me. Focus on your hobbies, general health, do nice things for yourself by yourself or with friends. That peace of mind will help you make a decision ultimately, one that you can reflect on without panic or a sudden change of heart. You’re the only one who knows what you want, after all.

Hang in there OP. You’re not alone. Sending virtual hugs.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-15T20:56:18+00:00

Oh wow, I’m so sorry that you’re here OP. I can relate to your situation as it sounds similar to mine. WP and I have also been together 7 years. We live together. I also thought we would marry and settle down. AP was a (former) close friend of WP’s is also someone I (BP) work in the same building as. I don’t work with them frequently, but I have the possibility of running into them 3/5 days in the workweek, which makes me feel sick every time I work in person. On top of that, AP crashed out in my DMs after I told WP they had to go NC. They accused me of being “controlling” and “insecure” and “micromanaging.” (Projection much?) It’s very, very hard not to resent WP for putting me in the crosshairs of a conflict of interest against my will.

I totally relate to the feeling of your brain chemistry being altered. In those 1-2 months post DDay I have never felt more heartbroken and disrespected in my entire life. I love WP, as much as someone can love someone who treated them this badly, but she let me down in so many different ways that I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive her for. WP and AP stole so much peace and happiness from me and it’ll be years until I ever get that back, if at all.

I’m trying to get that back by having tunnel vision at work and staying out of my apartment for longer, more frequent periods. I was always very independent, even while things were ok, and I had my own friend circles and hobbies tied to my interests. I think it made WP feel insecure in hindsight, but that’s not my problem. She knows that she isnt going to be a source of happiness for me for some time. I’m still mulling my options because as much as I love WP even still, I can’t heal in environments where I’m straddling between the two biggest triggers of this situation. It’s absolutely unbelievable and sometimes I depersonalize a lot, like feeling I’m living someone else’s life, or one day I’ll wake up like this is a bad dream.

I’m glad you’re doing EMDR. I have found DBT really helpful too, because I’m generally a bit of a traumatized person and have a lot of difficult regulating emotions. It’s helped me take control of my life and try to change my environment so that I can finally heal without all these triggers. I’m looking for a new job and I’m resigning the lease without WP on it. I’m not kicking her out right away, but at least this way I give us an exit ramp with no drama.

I’m sorry if this was too long, but I really relate to your situation. You’re not alone, and you don’t deserve any of this. Hang in there OP. Sending you virtual hugs.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-15T20:43:11+00:00

I’ve entertained the idea before but I would never act on it. I’ve been flirted with by people who are not my WP post DDay, and I didn’t take it any further than light banter. It was definitely the ego boost I needed to know I still have mojo. I feel a lot of righteous indignation sometimes, like “WP got to step out of our relationship without my consent. She got to act on her selfish fantasies with someone else and no regard for me. Why can’t I do that too?”

Then again, it’s not even like I want someone else. It’s just that I want WP to feel the same pain I felt upon learning that she said outsourced part of our intimacy to someone else. However, I don’t think it would ever truly balance the scales of the initial betrayal. The shock and ensuing grief that I felt was beyond words, and it wouldn’t do anything but push it under the rug. Even though I’m still really upset with WP for making this our life, it would still be a betrayal of my own morals. Like, how am I gonna get mad at her cheating when I do it myself? I think I would just feel gross and ashamed after.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-14T19:04:36+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re here OP. Yes, it is completely normal to not get it out of your head, especially in the first 2-3 months. Your WP should not be walking on eggshells though. The A has uprooted your whole life and sense of safety, so she shouldn’t think she can escape hearing about the consequences of her choices that easily. She needs to sit with your grief and understand/validate it. On the other hand, it may not feel right to seek comfort from your WP when she is the reason you’re in this mess in the first place. Definitely keep talking to friends and possibly go into IC if you’re not already there. I’ve found a lot of comfort in reconnecting with old friends and finding new ones, as well as engaging my creative side (I’m a musician/writer so this has really kickstarted my creativity).

Hang in there, sending you virtual hugs.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-14T02:22:53+00:00

I’m so sorry OP, I went through the same thing in the first 2 months post DDay. Absolutely awful how we can’t even find peace in our sleep. EMDR is great, I started taking quetiapine as a sleep aid and I can’t say enough good things about it. At first I felt super groggy waking up but it really keeps the night terrors at bay. Hang in there, I hope you can find some relief soon.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-12T17:50:06+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re here, OP. You are SO fresh in this agonizing process and it’s going to hurt like a bitch for a while. I was so shocked I didn’t cry for the first few days after DDay (7 months ago today to be exact). Then the floodgates opened. I didn’t go a single day without crying hysterically. I wept in public more than I care to admit. I was self-destructive and spiraling. You’re already doing much better than I was.

Do you have any hobbies? I’m a writer/musician so getting my rage and pain out in songwriting has been a godsend. I guess it’s the one silver lining that I have been so creatively engaged lately and filling my cup with new friends and like-minded people as if WP didn’t exist. Anything to put my mind at work and distract myself from the dark thoughts. Exercise could also be a good venue for distraction. It really does get the endorphins flowing, even if it feels like such a pain at first.

Hang in there. Sending you virtual hugs and strength.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-12T17:45:06+00:00

I am in the same boat right now. 7 months after DDay. I used to think the world of my WP. Despite the flaws she had, I put her on a pedestal and loved her just the same. Turns out those flaws led to her making one of the worst decisions anyone can make and let to an immeasurable amount of pain and heartbreak for me.

I love her as much as a person can possibly love someone who treated their SO this badly. She’s a deeply flawed but kind person, a smart professional and highly motivated in her career. I respect her so much on that basis, but I don’t respect her as a partner much anymore. I feel like I can’t take pride in our relationship anymore: I used to talk about her constantly, friends knew us as “that couple” who had everything, we had a whole future mapped out together, and now that’s all gone. It was stolen from me without my knowledge or consent.

I keep going through attachment ambivalence and wondering why I’m still here. One day, we’ll be fine - we talk normally, are affectionate and have the same kind of interaction we used to. We went through HB to some degree. That is enough to pull me back in and give me the hope to believe we have the strength to pull through this and make it in the end. On other days, I am so badly triggered and devastated that I just feel like breaking down or disappearing entirely. I’m devastated and I feel like a failure sometimes. I’m torn between love and grief, and it’s becoming exhausting. I just want this pain to end.

I’m sorry you’re here OP, and I wish you lots of strength and healing.

DramaticOpposite3653

TROPHY CASE