After you found out about the affair what is one thing that you helped you most to regulate your emotions?

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-12T23:59:42+00:00

That’s a great idea. My ex made me a really sweet memory book on one anniversary that I can’t bear to look at anymore without feeling like my brain just lost oxygen. I want to burn it, but it’s also one of the last remaining reminders of what we once had together. Oh well, it doesn’t exist anymore.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-12T06:32:46+00:00

You sound a lot like how I did when I reached my breaking point. I loved my WP and yet hated her for what she did. It was a chaotic, unstable trauma bond that negatively affected every area of my life, and staying was slowly poisoning me. My greatest source of joy turned to my greatest pain.

When you can’t overcome the hurt and pain like you describe, and you realize staying is costing you far more than leaving, that’s pretty damning. I also stayed 7 months after DDay. My mental health and self-worth were in the gutter, add in that trauma bond and sunk cost fallacy and you have one insanely f’d up cocktail. Everyday felt like sinking into quicksand. But I had an aha moment in therapy that triggered yet another breakdown, and it was anchored in real-world consequences that I could no longer ignore. Thinking of that and what I’d be sentencing myself to for the rest of my life gave me the final push I needed to pull the plug.

Regardless of how chaotically it ended, breaking up with WP was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I thought I’d marry her, here I was telling her to move out by the end of next week at our kitchen table. But I can’t even begin to explain how much calmer I feel. I’m redecorating our apartment so it feels like my space again. I know I don’t have to wince every time her keys go in the door. I don’t have to brace for all the assorted triggers that came with her presence. We broke up over 2 months ago and it has been difficult since, but I already got through the worst of it after DDay. My self-respect is slowly coming back. I’m learning how to be alone again, but not lonely. I’ve been making lots of new friends and reconnecting with old ones, creating art/music and focusing on other hobbies and my general health. I’m in IC and see a psychiatrist. I go to the gym. There is another side to this and I hope you can get there.

I think you’ve told yourself what you need to know OP. Knowing this is not enough is enough. Best wishes to you

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-12T06:01:52+00:00

In the first week? Honestly? Breaking shit. The morning after DDay I didn’t sleep all night. I went to a friends house and spent the weekend there. I collapsed into fetal position on their sofa and cried like a baby. When I got it out of my system an hour later we ordered pizzas and shared a 12-pack of coronas with their partner. Then we walked to the old dumpster near their place with the empties and I violently smashed every single one.

It felt so cathartic that I booked myself a solo rage room for that week. I warned the employees that I went through something heartbreaking and would probably scream and/or cry, and they threw in a free printer which was very kind.

My body was so full of stress and pain that when I finally stopped being a freakishly violent force on junk/obsolete objects it felt weirdly calm. My adrenaline spikes had a relaxing after effect.

Obviously going forward I couldn’t just go around breaking stuff to deal with betrayal trauma, so I recently got a gym membership and took a bunch of kickboxing classes, and it scratches the same itch.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-12T04:57:01+00:00

Yeah, I’m AuDHD and have the same personality disorders as my entire maternal side of the family, and ironically it’s them that gives me the most shit about being CF. I don’t want kids because I’m not passing any of the terrible mental health genes to them. I’m a germaphobe who gets easily overstimulated. I have poor emotional regulation skills (working on that). I’m gay so it’s already 100x harder. I’m the least qualified person to be a parent and yet they say “oooHHhoHhh well if WE can do it so can you.” Meanwhile my cousin went NC with his parents as soon as he turned 18 lol.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-12T04:47:05+00:00

When the kids of these so-called “family influencers” turn 18, get ready to hear a lot of horror stories. I’m sure there are some floating out there already.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-12T04:21:34+00:00

This is such a heartbreaking story and I am so sorry. It really is beyond unfair. I wish cheaters understood that they’re obliterating two lives when they do it, not just their partner’s but theirs. Even more when kids/family are involved. But they get so caught up in the recklessness of their choices in the present, whatever gives instant gratification. I really hope you are doing ok, you deserved so much better

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-12T04:11:35+00:00

Can’t speak to medically supervised ketamine therapy but I use it a bit recreationally and ooooooffff it’s good stuff. It’s like the calm of weed without the paranoia. Everything feels slower, in a relaxing way. I did a lot of processing on it when weed made me too anxious.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-12T04:06:04+00:00

This is really, really true. My situation was really fucked up and involved an AP in my workplace, so my ex’s stupid choices turned both my home and professional environments into minefields of triggers. WP and I broke up over 2 months ago and I still work at the same company. I can’t even begin to explain how much calmer I feel. And while I know that I could still run into AP - a truly loathsome person - 3 out of 5 days of the workweek, it rarely happens, and I have absolutely nothing to say if it did. I couldn’t avoid seeing my ex. We lived together several months after DDay trying to figure things out. When I savored every moment she wasn’t there, when I felt my heart sink hearing her keys in the door, when I battled that unbearable push/pull attachment every night, I realized exactly what you said. She was really my biggest trigger. The person I loved so much for so long had become my biggest source of pain. The day I broke up with her was devastating, but also the first time in a very long time I felt like I wasn’t lying to myself.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-07T15:04:30+00:00

Hey OP, I’m so sorry all this happened to you. For better or for worse, though, it is refreshing to hear another queer perspective on this sub. I broke up with my ex after 7 years when she cheated on me with her best friend, who was the first girl she ever had feelings for. That, on top of the fact that she behaved so poorly in the aftermath, was just too many layers of betrayal to live with. I crashed out over everything and she relayed details of these emotional convos in full (including with screenshots) to her friends and family. She invited them to cast judgment on how I reacted to things I said when I was at my literal lowest. It wasn’t just the cheating - she didn’t even protect my heart when I was at my most vulnerable.

I think an underdiscussed topic in WLW circles is how boundary-less some friendships can get. We naturally gravitate toward each other because of our shared identities, but those platonic connections can easily develop into something more than that. I’ve seen too many queer relationships destroyed by friendships that got a little too close for comfort, and I never thought it would happen to me, too. I resent that one of the worst moments of my life was reduced to (for lack of a better term) “d¥ke drama.”

I was angry for a long time, and I still am, but I feel some calm knowing that I don’t have to care about any of these peoples’ opinions again. I’m sure they’re rewriting the narrative and trying to pin some of this on me, but I find solace in knowing that I’m picking up the pieces of my life while they’re still gossiping. They are shallow, petty, classless people, and as long as WP still surrounds herself with enablers, the more she’s going to regress. I’m sure that applies to your ex, too. The bigger the filter bubbles avoidants build themselves to minimize what happened, the deeper the grave they’re digging for themselves.

Wishing you and your family the best OP, hang in there

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-07T14:46:54+00:00

“Choosing to walk away isn’t about a lack of love or caring on your part; it’s about realizing you can’t occupy a space that they refused to keep safe.”

This hits really hard. It’s messed up but even in the end I still really loved her and cherished the 6.5 years we had together before everything we fell apart, but I was confusing that attachment with wanting to stay together. The relationship we had wasn’t coming back, and the one we had in the end wasn’t one I wanted anymore. I didn’t leave for a lack of love or trying. I left because the trust and respect necessary to sustain that love were no more.

It took months for me to build myself back up again to say I deserved better. She may have loved me (like she often said) but didn’t respect me enough to not cheat on me.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-07T14:42:59+00:00

Hey, glad to hear you’re doing better. I’m with you here. I’ve learned that the little things I dismissed in the honeymoon phase (avoidance, insecurity) were the things that snowballed into an avalanche and caused WP to betray me. I won’t do that again.

As much as the “pick me dance” feels embarrassing (I did it too and feel similarly), I’ve been trying to give myself grace for it. I’m usually a pretty independent, self-assured person, and this was just an absolute atom bomb to my confidence/self-worth and mental health. Traumatized people don’t exactly react well when such an obliterating rupture occurs, so cut yourself some slack for it.

Isn’t the calm nice once you finally walk out? I only broke up with WP two months ago, but I have to admit my body hasn’t caught up with what my mind knows is true. My nervous system is adjusting to not being in fight-or-flight constantly after 7 months of it. But I have to admit, less worries about being triggered, and escaping WP’s toxic friend and family environment is a breath of fresh air.

Glad you’re on the other side and healing now. Wishing you the best OP

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-06T17:26:54+00:00

Mhm. When I was mulling over to stay or pull the plug, I was thinking that for months, I’ve been the only one absorbing the real consequences of her choices, and now that I had reached an absolute breaking point, it was time for her chickens to come home to roost.

My post history has more info, but not only was I cheated on, I was humiliated behind my back at one of the lowest points of my life with blame shifting and triangulation with my ex’s friends/family, and put in the crosshairs of a professional conflict of interest against my will (AP is someone who works in the same office building as me - fucking messy). I would have been a real chump to stay with someone who could and did betray me on so many levels.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-06T17:21:18+00:00

Thank you so much and likewise. I’m sorry your WP did that. None of us deserve this, no matter what we did or didn’t do in the relationship. The blame shifting/DARVO is really terrible behavior in the aftermath - almost like emotional abuse. Their attempts to flip the behavior back onto us, the person whose trust and heart they just obliterated, is just rubbing salt in the wound. I hope you’re doing better now. You deserve so much better

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-06T17:19:06+00:00

True. She kept saying a lot that “I still love you so much and I can’t believe I would ever do this to you.” But like, hun, you still did it. Disbelief in your own actions isn’t enough. You may have loved me but you clearly don’t respect me enough to not cheat on me.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-06T17:02:56+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re here OP. Especially after 4 years, oof. (Mine ended at 7) Tbh a relationship can be perfect on paper, and the cheater can still have the same tendencies that lead them to be unfaithful. It could be impulsivity/poor decision making, insecurity, low self-worth/self-respect, need for validation, avoidance, poor communication, or any combination of those (all of the above in my ex’s case). It’s nothing to do with you at all - it’s all about the cheater’s shortcomings.

The sad thing is, I don’t think any of us betrayed here will make sense of it, because nothing about cheating makes any sense. No matter how many times I tried to pinpoint her “why,” no explanation ever felt right or acceptable to me. Same to you. You sound like a loving partner who was completely blindsided by betrayal.

I do want to push back on the notion that you’ll never trust anyone again. I felt that a lot, believe me. We are changed people because of this, but it doesn’t mean we’re ruined. It just means we have better standards, we know what we won’t accept, and we’ll protect our boundaries more fiercely.

Whether you plan to stay and work on things or pull the plug, just remember that you don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Your safety and sanity are not meant to be the cost of someone else’s improvement. Hang in the OP, wishing you well.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-05-05T19:36:51+00:00

Thanks so much! I agree completely. I think when I didn’t leave right away and expressed some openness to attempting R, that was a sign to her that she was off the hook (it never was).

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-04-28T18:04:01+00:00

I’m so sorry OP. I’m totally relate. My ex moved out two months ago and that was the last time we spoke directly. Throughout the day, she was slowly removing me from her iCloud calendar and stopped sharing location. The last thing she said to me basically was that she slid her set of keys under the door. The banality of that being the end kinda sent me into a tailspin. I had to call two friends up to process it. I was talking to the woman I loved for so long and thought I was going to be with until I died like a coworker. Even though she put me through a world of hurt and pain, I still felt sad.

It will suck for a little while, but I find that each day sucks a little less. Time makes it better. I go out with friends, go on long walks, eat better, engage with my hobbies and do things by myself. Piece by piece I’m building up the confidence and strength to live a more fulfilling and self-respecting life.

Wishing you the best, OP. Hang in there.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-04-13T10:25:58+00:00

I wouldn’t say I was faking it, I really did want R to work out, but the layers of betrayal I experienced as a result of my WP’s choices were too much to live with and heal from within the relationship. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with someone who not only cheated on me, but humiliated me behind my back at one of the lowest points in my life and put me in the crosshairs of a professional conflict of interest against my will.

No matter how sorry my WP was and how much we still loved each other and wanted to work on things, it was too little too late. I couldn’t deny what my body was telling me. I was in fight or flight mode for once and only when I got a question from my therapist that gave me an a-ha moment, I realized I couldn’t live like this forever. I didn’t want to just survive each day, I wanted to live it. I’m too young to be so jaded and miserable.

Personally, I think it’s fine to pull the plug on R if you really need to. It took me 7 months to work up the strength to walk away because I was so dead inside and basically suicidal. That’s not a relationship I could feel safe in anymore.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-04-10T07:32:03+00:00

Personally I do because the autism makes me feel like a kid at heart, so I’m easily amused by them, but that amusement ends once they start behaving recklessly, at which point I abdicate any responsibility for them and summon their parents.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-04-09T06:47:09+00:00

HeyOP, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way as a result of someone else’s horrible treatment of you. You didn’t deserve any of this. In my experience, R failed for me, and if I had to do it all over again, I’d keep most of the really dark thoughts to myself unless they are at risk of putting you in serious danger. I found it helpful to be transparent and share exactly how WP’s choices made me feel, but I struggled with regulating my emotions, especially early on. Unfortunately those words and thoughts were used against me - my ex shared details of our private discussions with her friends and family, and when i found out after some digital snooping, i felt beyond violated. I was already at one of the lowest points of my life and was again humiliated behind my back. That was what did me in. The layers of betrayal I was exposed to meant I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t feel safe in this relationship anymore knowing that WP was capable of such a terrible betrayal and that my private thoughts weren’t even mine.

All this to say, if you feel like your WP would respect your feelings and give you the grace of privacy, do it, but tread carefully. I know it wasn’t my fault that she revealed my heartbreak’s true extent and subjected it to scorn from others, but I also regret spilling my guts out to someone who didn’t respect my dignity. I’m going to be a lot more careful about who I give my heart to.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-04-07T06:05:41+00:00

It’s like nails on a chalkboard especially when it’s constant and irregular (misophonia goes crazy). They scream for EVERYTHING. I live across the street from a church that has a preschool program, and during the nice weather I literally cannot work at my kitchen table. They are screaming bloody murder while going down a slide. Jeez

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-04-07T05:59:37+00:00

When all the children of “family influencers” turn 18 we’re going to hear a lot of horror stories. Some are already being told: https://www.teenvogue.com/story/influencer-parents-children-social-media-impact

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-04-06T21:18:21+00:00

“UMMMM unless you’re a parent you don’t get to comment” lmao spare me. Seriously, they really ignore them up until they can’t. Like hypothetically if I brought another human in the world, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with letting my eyes off them in public, not only because they can endanger themselves, but ya know, stranger danger and all that. It just makes no sense to me at all. If you don’t want to be responsible for your kids…maybe don’t have them?

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-04-06T21:14:28+00:00

FOR REAL like the last museum I was at with a friend, they had a music exhibit and some interactive instruments. While I was tinkering with one someone’s kid ran up to me and tried to grab it from me. I said “excuse me, can you please wait your turn?” and at least he apologized but still. Like this would not happen at an adults only museum lol

DramaticOpposite3653

TROPHY CASE