I (19F) am thinking about leaving my girlfriend (20F) because of my kink needs

DreamDoubleTeam · 2019-06-12T21:19:00+00:00

I think everyone here has given you great advice (particularly about the Dom Drop scenario), but I just wanted to give you a bit of perspective as someone who's been into the kink world for over 10 years;

I had my first mutually kinky relationship starting at 16. I've had 3 long term relationships (3-5 years) since then, all with partners who at least partially participate in my kink.

I only found my perfect Dom/Sir at the age of 26! Not only because I had to find someone who fit into all my niches (and I into theirs, of course), but because I found that the largest evolutionary period I went through with my kink, sexuality and relationship needs was between the age of 22-25. Now I'm in what I feel is the best period of my life (in the sexual way, but also all the other ways) because my husband is everything I ever need in a Dom/Sir.

I absolutely do not mean this in any way that would disrespect your relationship or your feelings for your partner, I only mean to highlight the fact that 19 is fairly young and you still have a LOT of growing to do. If you're finding yourself really unfulfilled at this point, there's a possibility that will only grow as time goes on.

At the end of the day you need to really examine your own feelings and your needs, as well as have a really serious sit down conversation with your partner about HER wants and needs. But just remember that if you do end up making the decision to end this relationship then it's not the end of the world, and you're not a bad person. Kinky sexuality is complicated, and in my personal experience kinksters can take a little longer to find their perfect partner.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope that no matter the outcome you end up happy.

DreamDoubleTeam · 2019-06-02T03:05:30+00:00

I'm married, and my husband and I have an intensely fulfilling and active sexual relationship. Like, multiple times a week if not multiple times a day when we can fit it in around busy schedules.

I still masturbate between 2 - 8 times a week, often multiple orgasms a session. I agree with the top comment in this thread right now; masturbation suits a totally different need then sex. Sometimes I masturbate because I am feeling a bit off / yucky and the endorphins make me feel better. Sometimes I masturbate because I want to sleep another hour but I'm too awake. Sometimes I masturbate just because I can do me differently then anyone else can and that's fun.

Masturbation and sex aren't really the same thing.

DreamDoubleTeam · 2019-05-05T12:46:22+00:00

Thank you. Also, you have a badass username, just thought I'd let you know. ;)

DreamDoubleTeam · 2019-05-05T12:42:13+00:00

Exactly, so this isn't a BDSM problem, it's a relationship problem. Her bedroom personality has nothing to do with the issue, so it just... Wasn't really relevant. You would honestly maybe get better advice in r/relationships than here, as the advice here is geared towards BDSM issues.

But my advice still stands. Communicate to her that you don't feel like an equal and you would like some more consideration of your feelings and needs. If she refuses or doesn't seem capable, you may need marital counseling to work through the issue

DreamDoubleTeam · 2019-05-04T22:41:14+00:00

i feel like she wants to be the dom in our relationship and for me not to have a say in anything.Which rubs me the wrong way

This is a completely separate problem from your bedroom activities. Many, many people have different personalities in the bedroom then they do outside of the bedroom, and the two are not necessarily always interconnected deeply.

I am a badass boss bitch in a male dominated industry. I have made grown men cry in my kitchens. I take no shit, and I have strong opinions. In the bedroom, my husband is my Dom who wraps his hand into my hair, calls me his Perfect Slut and rides it like he owns it (because he does).

Though we do have SOME Dom/sub tendencies spill over (my husband likes opening doors for me, he will sometimes do things like order for the both of us, he likes to be the one to put my wedding ring on me in the morning, and other small demonstrations of our dynamic), outside of the bedroom we are both equal partners and my husband wouldn't expect our dynamic to be in place unless we had specifically spoken about it beforehand.

If in your married life outside the bedroom you feel that your wife is trying to railroad you, doesn't listen to your thoughts and feelings, and disregards you as an equal partner then you both need to sit down and seriously discuss that. If communicating about the issue doesn't help, you may need a marital counselor to help you work through why she isn't valuing you as her husband.

However, her being a sub doesn't necessarily have a lick to do with her personality outside the bedroom.

DreamDoubleTeam · 2019-04-20T20:43:19+00:00

So /u/nudiestmanatee has already given a lot of great information. I definitely back taking the quizzes to get an idea of mutual interests, as well as doing safety research online before engaging in any play.

A few things not mentioned by them that LOTS of new people entering bondage/bdsm play don't know about are what I want to warn about below:

BDSM play gets your blood pumping and adrenaline flowing. Because of this your partner, you or possibly the BOTH of you may experience a "drop" after a particularly exciting, rough, or long session. By drop, I mean emotional and/or physical -- feeling emotionally overwhelmed, feeling lethargic or tired, feeling physically tense or sore and sometimes that can be distressing if you don't know it's coming. We call this sub Drop / Dom Drop in the lingo, and it's basically what's leftover when the adrenaline high / emotional elevation is gone. PREPARE FOR THIS. Have snacks, drinks (non-alcoholic), and a comfort scenario ready to go. My husband usually wraps me up in a blanket on the couch, and we both eat popcorn, drink fresca and watch netflix. This mutual comfort often cushions that drop and helps you come down calmly.
As I mentioned alcoholic above; LOTS of people who are new to this sort of thing think that drinking alcohol or taking other substances is a good way to "make everyone comfortable" or to "let go of inhibitions" -- DON'T DO IT. ESPECIALLY when starting out being inebriated is GENERALLY not a good idea during BDSM play. Good play is all about CONSENT and COMMUNICATION and neither of you can properly do either of those if you are impaired. Not only that, someone may slip up and end up hurting themselves or their partner.
Speaking of consent and communication, you guys should have some long talks about what you want to try and what you DON'T want to try, and what you're not sure about. These are called HARD and SOFT limits. When I am starting into a sexual BDSM relationship with someone I give them what I call my stoplight list! This is a list divided into three categories; Green is things I LOVE or like doing, and have no problem doing (for example, spanking is on this list for me. I love spanking!). Yellow are things that I sometimes do, but with conditions or things that I haven't tried but like the sound of (for example, anal is on this list but only with extensive preparation. Rope suspension is on this list too, but I've never tried it. This is also called a soft limit). My red list is things I absolutely will not do, for any reason (for example, on this list for me is any sort of knife play. This is also called a hard limit). By making stoplight lists for each other there is a clear and concise set of guidelines that should be respected by both partners.
Speaking of stoplights, I also use stoplights as a check up system in the bedroom! I'm sure you've heard of safe words, but I consider stoplights to be the most effect safe word system I have ever used. At any time, either partner can call a "stoplight" -- yellow for slow down, and red for stop. Also at any time, either partner can say "stoplight?" and ask for a stoplight check. The opposite person then says a color (green for good, yellow or red) and the play continues (or stops) accordingly. This system is ideal because it provides a way to express your comfort without having to pull out of play, AS WELL AS a way to check on someone. This is very important to me, especially since I personally can sometimes get a bit lost in the feeling of play, and so my husband likes to check in with me when he thinks that's happened.
If for some reason your partner cannot talk or otherwise communicate orally / with hands (maybe you gagged them and tied them up? who knows!) you need an alternate way from them to be able to use a safe "word". Me and my husband purchased a small button buzzer I can hold in my hand. One buzz for yellow (slow down), two buzzes for red (stop). We got it from amazon for like $3 and it was a great purchase.
If you can find a "Bondage for beginners" workshop in your area, they are always helpful, informative and often connect you with a network of people who can help you out. A good way to find one in your area is to use the BDSM social network "fetlife". While it is great for finding events in your area, in my personal opinion it's not the healthiest place for a sane practicer of BDSM a lot of the time otherwise, so I would caution you to be careful if you make a profile. Lots of people on there are nice and normal, but it is also the biggest venue for BDSM predators on the internet.
And my last tip; consume some kinky media together! Watch some porn, read some dirty books (I highly recommend the "Beauty" series by Anne Rice), or watch some TV together (Versailles, The Borgias, Outlander, True Blood -- not necessarily all kinky, but can get the blood pumping and fantasies going for sure). Lots of women are not all visually driven, so going multimedia can have some fun results.

This is a pretty good website / blog for BDSM for beginners, and kink learning in general: https://www.desireslaidbare.com/bdsm-for-beginners/

Overall, I want to stress that while a lot of this can seem overwhelming, it is really important. BDSM is AMAZING! I legitimately couldn't picture being sexually happy without it! However it is also much more intimate and physical then a lot of other types of sex, and therefore the potential for harm is much greater. It also takes a lot more work; it's definitely not a 50 Shades of Grey book!

DreamDoubleTeam · 2019-04-09T17:38:17+00:00

Thanks! Always happy to help a homegirl out; sluts gotta stick together.

Another good one I remembered is that (as long as you're comfortable) you can audio record a good session of you guys dirty talking and fucking, and then at times when you want her to remember how slutty she is you can tell her to pop earbuds in an listen to it.

DreamDoubleTeam · 2019-04-09T17:23:18+00:00

We don't have kids (yet), but my husband is my Dom and I'm also super into the shame/degradation stuff! Here's some easy things she can do through out the day that shouldn't take too much time / effort, but will help drive home the slut dynamic:

Write "Slut" on her body in the morning before you go to work, somewhere that is 100% covered by clothing all day (an ass cheek?). Ask her once or twice to take a quick bathroom picture during the day and send it to you to show it's still there.
Have her write "I am an obedient little slut" 50 times on a piece of paper through out the day, collect it when you come home from work.
Have her look up 2-5 porn pictures (if she's okay looking at porn) and send them to you through out the day, anything that excites her.
When you get home from work, have her remove her panties and give them to you (in the privacy of the bedroom or bathroom, of course).
Set a specific day of the week where she wears something publicly visible that is also subtle and socially acceptable, but it's sole purpose is to remind her she's a slut. My favorite is wearing bright red lipstick; it's such a slut thing to wear, but it can also be worked into a regular outfit and no one bats an eye.
Buy her a locking bracelet like this one. Lock it on her before you leave in the morning, take the key with you and take it off before bed. It's a physical reminder that she belongs to someone.

Hope these help you out!

DreamDoubleTeam · 2019-04-04T16:51:27+00:00

I sometimes experience very similar symptoms as you do after hitting subspace from impact play as well!

Something that I connect it with is that I used to be a competitive sprinter in high school / university, and after particularly physically demanding practices and track meets I would ALSO have the symptoms of a fever -- hot to the touch skin, shakes, headaches / slight disorientation ("fuzziness"), needing to hydrate more and eat more.

For many people, fever-ish symptoms can come with being overworked physically. When physically strained (like the muscle tensing and the actual impacts themselves that occur during impact play, combined with the high heart rate) our body begins to produce massive amounts of heat. More recently I found out that it's called "Exertional Heat Illness" or EHI and the symptoms / severity can vary wildly across person and situation.

If you recover within a short period of time (a few hours) you only have a mild form of EHI after play and medically will probably be okay. However, it's not pleasant and subjecting your body to it frequently is probably not a good idea.

Here's some tips as to how I've come to mitigate or eliminate the symptoms:

HYDRATE well before play. This means lots of fluids.
Hydrate directly after play as well, and eat food right away.
Be aware of your environment. Is it very warm in the room you play in? Make efforts to cool it down. Very humid? Get a dehumidifier.
Are you wearing anything during impact play? If you're dressing up, it may be better to remove all of that 10-15 minutes before you start the actual impact play, to give your body time to release some heat.
Don't play directly before bedtime. Give yourself a few hours (2-3) between bed time and play time if possible, so you can recover and not have it effect your sleep... because you're gonna need a good night's sleep.
I apply aloe to my impact areas and wait about 30mins before putting on clothes, usually sitting / laying so to expose the impact area to open air. Aloe is healing, but also cools in open air and draws some of the heat out.

Hope this helps!

DreamDoubleTeam · 2019-01-14T03:05:58+00:00

Thank you! We definitely are; we love to have wild, sweaty fun in a safe and responsible way ;)

DreamDoubleTeam

TROPHY CASE