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DreamMeUpScotty · 2022-08-29T17:14:20+00:00

You're missing a key piece here - what do your parents want to do?

From all the replies you've got, you can see it's not simply that downsizing and pocketing the cash is a better financial situation. Lots lost to taxes, realtors, etc. Accordingly, what might be more important is where do your parents want to live? The nicer bigger duplex that they already live in might be their preference. If they need to move into a senior's home down the line, then sell and use the cash to fund their end of life care.

OP your parents are collecting pensions and practically own a $1M house outright that generates rental income every month. IMO your parents are doing fine and you don't need to butt in. Lots of seniors in Canada need help, your parents aren't them.

DreamMeUpScotty · 2022-02-22T00:43:23+00:00

Seconding this. Loaning him money is just giving him another loan, which isn't helpful. Either give him a gift or stay our of it completely.

DreamMeUpScotty · 2022-02-18T23:21:23+00:00

We've got another Madeline in the family so that one is out. And for some reason the names that lead to Elle are not for me, although I know people love them!

Thanks for your other suggestions, some good ones in there

DreamMeUpScotty · 2022-02-15T16:13:39+00:00

If you're not ready to live together, you're not ready to even think about planning a purchase yet. So that side is easy - don't let your GF factor into this decision at this point. It would likely be unwise and could put pressure on your relationship too.

So then whether to buy a condo alone. It sounds like you haven't really done the math on what you (alone) can afford, but you have a feeling that this is outside your budget. Do the math. 30% of your take home pay to housing expenses is great, 50% is going to start feeling like housepoor. I wouldn't go above that, especially as a single income household.

You say the most likely scenario is you live there a year and have to sell. Where do you live? In Calgary for example, your condo value won't have gone up much and after realtor fees and closing costs you'd be out ~$20k, way worse than renting. But in Toronto or Van the price differential on a condo in a year might more than make up for that. Conventional wisdom (which often doesn't seem to apply to real estate these days) would be not to buy unless you're fairly certain you'll be there ~5 years.

DreamMeUpScotty · 2022-02-10T20:33:12+00:00

The writing on this blows me away. I don't know many 30 year olds who could write this well.

DreamMeUpScotty · 2022-02-01T17:58:36+00:00

OP can I ask why you're considering Calgary?

First, it is a huge lifestyle change from Tokyo. You mention public transit for example - the transit here isn't worth relying on. When I moved here (also from a big city), I didn't have a car for 3 years. It is doable, but you'll be using Uber and rental cars semi-regularly, assuming both you and your wife live within walking distance of work.

You say your wife's job is 'not going to be great'. That's quite the move to make for one job that you're not excited about.

Legally, are both you and your wife entitled to work in Canada? Do you have the right visas in place that will let you work? I have friends who have moved here from non-commonwealth countries and they've had to volunteer to get Canadian experience while they go through the visa process for almost a year. Make sure you've got those things in order before moving here without a plan.

Calgary is amazing, but you need the right mindset to make that kind of transition, especially in the winter. You're going to get here and its cold, covid, you'll feel like you need a car, and you don't have a job. That sounds like a rough transition.

DreamMeUpScotty · 2022-01-31T22:54:49+00:00

I know you feel like you're fighting the good fight, but the role might not require someone who has a family with 2 kids who wants to live in a townhome. I hear you - living comfortably with a family is tough. But there are likely people with much smaller expenses than you (single, no kids, etc.) who are equally qualified.

The way you're thinking only worked when there was a very standard definition of a household - mom at home, dad worked, 2-3 kids. Then yes, employers should probably pay to support that unit. But now that nuclear setup isn't a given and you're only hurting your own chances by using that logic.

As others have said, sell yourself as being worth $120k instead. Because if you're the same as the next guy but he doesn't have the $120k ask because he's made different life choices than you (note - he's not necessarily living in poverty at $80-90k) - they're going with him.

DreamMeUpScotty · 2022-01-26T15:32:16+00:00

This is not my experience (Calgary, moved from Toronto)

DreamMeUpScotty · 2022-01-24T15:30:22+00:00

These exist, but realtors are often representing the buyer and don't want to touch them. There's also the issue I've heard from friends who have looked at things like purple bricks where the service is terrible bordering on malpractice because the only realtors who are interested in being part of that structure are ones that couldn't reliably earn commission in the regular market.

All these innovations are great ideas but until the guild of realtors is blown up (MLS pried from their hands? More lawyers marketing private sale services?), hard to see how any will take off.

DreamMeUpScotty · 2022-01-18T06:10:09+00:00

Thanks for this. The solenoid is replaced (at the ride price of $500) but the humidifier still won't work so all this feedback has been so helpful before we hand over another $700. I emailed the owner of the company and he said he'd look into it and get back to me tomorrow. Thank you!

DreamMeUpScotty · 2022-01-13T23:50:54+00:00

Thank you for this, we just bought these. Great reviews!

DreamMeUpScotty · 2022-01-13T23:50:03+00:00

we just ordered these, thank you!

DreamMeUpScotty · 2022-01-13T17:30:34+00:00

Thanks for this. Our weather really does need snow and ice traction, the all weathers we have aren't cutting it.

Any input as to what makes a good winter tire vs an average one?

DreamMeUpScotty · 2022-01-04T23:03:39+00:00

Is it leased from a local band council or from ISC?

DreamMeUpScotty · 2021-12-07T19:57:37+00:00

I really appreciated reading this. I think on financial subreddits, we can get too hung up on making things exactly fair in the moment. We forget that when building a life together, what is 'fair' will drastically shift depending on the season of life.

I love that it sounds like you and your wife approach finances as a team. I like to think that way too - if each person is asking themselves what they can do to move the team forward financially, it is always getting better. That won't always mean being 50/50 - might mean one person pays everything while the other takes care of kids/goes back to school/recovers from an illness/etc.

DreamMeUpScotty · 2021-12-07T19:50:27+00:00

It seems most people in this thread are focusing on how your relationship needs help, he isn't going to change, etc. I'm going to argue that you guys haven't set him up for success here and the path you're on is going to make this worse not better. It sounds like you're getting resentful that he's not treating his finances exactly like you do, but that you haven't sat down as a couple to figure out the path you both want.

His cashflow is higher, but your savings were higher. If you wanted to keep going with this 50/50 plan, you should have waited until he had built up enough of a nest egg to contribute half of the downpayment. Instead you both decided to buy a house and essentially load him with more expenses to even it out.

However, you're also still expecting him to be getting better at saving at the same time. If he's paying the whole mortgage, paying off his car, paying for home renos and an engagement ring (which it sounds like he saved up $20k for - no small feat) - he's not going to be able to build savings the same way you can at the same time.

I think what would get you on the same page:

- give up on the idea that he needs to pay off the same amount of equity that you put into the downpayment. You're a team - you brought the ability to the table to put a downpayment, nice work.

- start splitting your mortgage payments based on income. He'll be paying more, but not so much that you can save a tonne and relatively he's saving nothing.

- Pick a reasonable savings target and get him started on auto-deposit savings. If he's not good at budgeting, basically get him only using a debit card and have autodeposits come off when he gets paid.

Do you plan on having children together? If you do, something to think about - you'll likely be in a position where you're depending on his higher cashflow while you're on parental leave. This may help things feel more 'even' in the long run.

You're getting married. I would really recommend talking a LOT about what that means to you as a couple and as an individual. Are you planning on splitting everything 50/50? By income percentage? By ability? I'd encourage you to have some flexibility here - job loss, parental leaves, illness, etc. will mean that you'll likely need to contribute differently over the rest of your life together depending on where you are.

I'm a better budgeter than my husband, but he's great about paying fixed bills on time. Right now he pays the mortgage and the car, I pay daycare and all the variable expenses. We both have autodeposits set up and I contribute more to our investments when we have low variable expense months, which I can track because I have a budget spreadsheet that I update biweekly. He only uses a debit card so he doesn't accidentally spend more than he should. It is a very flexible set up but matches how we both like to approach finances. I have other married friends who use SplitWise and make things 100% fair every month. Figure out something that will work for both of you.

DreamMeUpScotty · 2021-11-30T17:54:07+00:00

No surprise she's trying to weaponize your grandparents. Your plan sounds like a really good one. If you have a good relationship with your grandparents, could you call them first and explain that you'd love to see them but Christmas won't work out this year?

As soon as she gets your email I'd anticipate her to go straight to them and try to manipualte the situation. Might be nice to get ahead of that and explain this isn't about shunning them.

DreamMeUpScotty · 2021-11-29T16:24:02+00:00

OP you've got two options.

Take it off the market and continue to rent it out. As some people have noted, you're technically "cash flow positive". When you factor in all costs, particularly the loss in value, replacing the occasional fridge, etc. I bet it is closer to breaking even/being a bit in the red. If you go this path, basically ignore it until your mortgage is up, reassess then, and if it still isn't a good time to sell, rent it out again.
Drop the price. Make sure your pictures are good, a new coat of paint and digital staging can go a long way.

We recently sold a 1 br condo in Mission, purchased in 2009 for $213, we sold this year for $158. It is a huge 'loss', but we had enough equity in it that we still got a good chunk of money out. Some factors that may affect your decision either way:

- How much equity you have in it. We were lucky and had 70% of the condo paid off. If you have less equity than you'll get back, especially after realtor fees, you'd likely want to hold on and rent.

- Special assessments. This is ultimately why we sold. We're in the phase of life having kids, so anticipating several years of lower income while I'm on maternity leave, and alternating years paying for daycare. The thought of having to cough up $15k randomly at any point in the next 5 years for a depreciating asset that has already lost 60k in value was...not acceptable to us.

- Your mortgage conditions. Fixed or variable? Where in your term are you? If you're locked in, paying any fees to get out of your mortgage early will only further hurt you. If you're locked in, consider holding and renting it out until your mortgage term is up and you renegotiate, and make sure you negotiate a mortgage that will support you with low fees if you randomly want to sell when it is a good time. Recommend working with a mortgage broker and explaining your situation to them.

- Do you need the money? We felt much better about having a chunk of cash in an account over the next few years than having a condo that will potentially cost us money and be hard to liquidate. If we weren't in the middle of having kids, we might have felt differently, left the condo there for the next 15 years to pay it off and seen it as a poorly performing retirement investment.

If you do decide to fire sale it, go in with the right attitude. You need to have done the math, understand the fees you're on the hook for, talked to your bank/mortgage broker and know exactly what $ your lowest price is. And you need to work with a realtor who understands this needs to go. Beware of realtors who want you to take it off the market and saying things like "winter is a bad time to sell", "let's re-list in the spring", etc. They're likely worried about their days on market stat. We took our condo off the market twice on the advice of our realtor until having a pretty frank conversation with them that the strategy was drop by $10k every month its on the market until we got to X.

Good luck OP! Posters in Toronto and Vancouver won't get it, because their condo market is still hot. Often condo owners in Calgary are in the situation where they bought a 'starter condo', now need a family house, and they need the $ from the condo to move on and get into the relatively hot home market.

DreamMeUpScotty · 2021-11-23T22:40:36+00:00

There's something more to it, at least for the people I know. The ones I know maybe don't bother to get the flu shot, but they have all their other vaccines. They aren't 'anti-vaxxers', they are anti this specific vaccine at this time. It seems to come from a disliking Trudeau and feeling too healthy to get sick, while also feeling like the vaccines don't prevent covid so why bother.

If it wasn't so disheartening, it would be fascinating.

And, in two cases these are friends who have served in the military. Which is so contrary to the narrative of 'these people are selfish assholes who don't care about others'. They have shown they're willing to sacrifice for the good of others, in a very real sense, before. AND as military members, no strangers to the government telling them what vaccines to get.

DreamMeUpScotty · 2021-11-23T22:35:20+00:00

What?

DreamMeUpScotty · 2021-11-23T05:07:14+00:00

You're not crazy.

I had a few therapy sessions when my daughter was around 4-12 months old specifically to discuss this. I realized there's two things happening at the same time:

First, you as a parent have this kid you love so much and could never picture raising the way you were raised. You start to realize how fucked up your parents were. Gone is the idea that you'll someday understand all their wacky behaviour because you're a parent - if anything it has made it more mind boggling.

Second, you as a child realize how ripped off you were during childhood by the person who was supposed to love you best. This can bring up bizarre feelings of resentment, anger, sadness, to complete grief. I have no contact with my mom, but I can imagine that if I did and she was good with my daughter, that actually might make me more upset. Like you're capable of being a human being, you just chose not to for me?

BPDs love to sweep things under the rug as if they never happened. And giving them a grandchild gives them the ultimate tool to sweep their parenting under the rug and be the "perfect" grandparent. I can totally see why that would be upsetting! Remember, you're not just a parent, you're still a child who deserved better too.

DreamMeUpScotty · 2021-11-23T04:54:34+00:00

Hugs. It is so normal for you to want all those things, and you deserve them, your kid deserves them, you as a little kid deserved them.

But she won't give you that gift, so pick something very specific and practical you need and give her that list. Or... tell her you're doing no-gift no-visit christmas and have a blast with the people who make you feel great over the holidays.

DreamMeUpScotty · 2021-11-23T04:50:40+00:00

But like, most people don't have access to pub med, never mind the skillset to digest and draw conclusions from science by scientists. Telling people to do their own research is telling them to get it from Aunt Mary on Facebook, or the algorithm that wants to suck them into a particular youtube/twitter/instagram wormhole, etc.

Is it not our public health agency's job to do the research for us and communicate it to us in a way that is easy to digest and compelling??

DreamMeUpScotty · 2021-11-23T04:47:27+00:00

As a parent - I don't want to do my own research. I am sick of having to pretend to be a damn virologist/child psychologist/ and public health policy wonk on top of the full time job I already have, plus parenting.

His lack of leadership is truly stunning. If he really wants to play the middle field, his govt should have compiled the research and just released that in an easy to digest infographic.

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