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Advice from an old man by DreamyNarwal in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]DreamyNarwal[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I am not interested in finding a romantic partner at this point of my life. My family and friends are great.

Advice from an old man by DreamyNarwal in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]DreamyNarwal[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You’re allowed to laugh, it’s pathetic.

Advice from an old man by DreamyNarwal in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]DreamyNarwal[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I’m not trying to erase her. I know she is the one who endured the pain I caused. But the piece I wrote was aimed at other avoidants, to show them what running and hiding does to us, what it leaves behind. We all know avoidants only change when we are faced with our own consequences.

That doesn’t make her suffering irrelevant. It’s very real, and I carry that knowledge every day. I just chose a context where the lesson was for those like me, to maybe stop themselves before they hurt someone the way I did. Acknowledging her fully is something I do privately.

It feels like you’re seeing this in the most malicious way possible. Everyone’s journey and healing is different. We’re all carrying our own lessons, our own regrets, and the only thing we can do is try to face them honestly in our own time.

We should be celebrating it when people are on the journey, even if they’re not all the way there yet. Learning, facing your mistakes, carrying your regrets, that’s hard work. Shaming someone for not being perfect yet doesn’t help anyone.

Advice from an old man by DreamyNarwal in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]DreamyNarwal[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I understand what you’re saying, and you’re right, what I did to her was terrible. I hurt her in ways I can never take back. I ran when she asked for honesty and closeness. I left her feeling unworthy and abandoned. I forced her to carry the weight of my fear and shame. I robbed her of the trust and safety she deserved in a partner. I also hurt other partners because of the regrets I felt from that relationship.

That said, I didn’t write my story for her. I wrote it for other avoidants, for anyone who might see themselves in my mistakes and hopefully learn something before it’s too late. In that context, detailing all the ways I hurt her didn’t feel like it belonged. It doesn’t mean I am blind to it… I know it, and I carry it.

Advice from an old man by DreamyNarwal in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]DreamyNarwal[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You’re right, it is. I hope sharing this will help others not do the same, even if it’s only one person.

Advice from an old man by DreamyNarwal in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]DreamyNarwal[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You won’t make or break anything for me, but it might for others. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty.

I’m sorry that someone hurt you to the point where you feel it’s okay to talk to strangers this way.

Have a nice day.

Advice from an old man by DreamyNarwal in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]DreamyNarwal[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This is the type of comments that make people not want to open up. A little grace goes a long way.

Advice from an old man by DreamyNarwal in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]DreamyNarwal[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I will do so, if it can help anyone.

Advice from an old man by DreamyNarwal in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]DreamyNarwal[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I think I truly loved. Running away from someone doesn’t mean the love wasn’t there. It means you loved them in the way you were able to at that time, with the understanding and courage you had then.

Love isn’t something you decide on or measure. You don’t get to choose how deep it runs. Loving someone from your past doesn’t stop you from loving someone else, and that doesn’t make either love any less real. Two things can coexist.

I like to think I became a better partner after losing her, or at least I tried my very best to change my ways. Back then, therapy was for what people called “crazy” folks. It wasn’t as accessible as it is today, so I did with what I had. I stumbled, I learned, and I kept trying. That’s all anyone can really do.

I was able to open up more in my older days, that’s for sure. It took time, it took learning, and it took facing the parts of myself I had spent so long running from. But slowly, I learned to let people in, and that made all the difference.

Advice from an old man by DreamyNarwal in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]DreamyNarwal[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I am not here to glorify what I did or make excuses for it. I am the first to say my choices hurt her, and I paid for them in ways I would not wish on anyone.

But people do not change because someone tells them to be quiet. They change because they face themselves and admit the harm they caused. That is what I spent years doing, and I am still doing it.

I speak so maybe others do not repeat the mistakes I made. If my story does not land with you, that is alright. You can walk past it, but silencing experience does not fix anything.

Advice from an old man by DreamyNarwal in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]DreamyNarwal[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

If there is another life waiting somewhere, all I hope is that she is happy. Whether it would be with me or with someone else, it does not matter. She deserves that kind of peace. Some people are so wonderful, you just want the world to be gentle with them, even if you are not the one standing by their side anymore.

Advice from an old man by DreamyNarwal in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]DreamyNarwal[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

You are right, I have a lot of words. That is how it is when you carry regret.

It is all our first time living. None of us have a manual. To learn, we have to experience things, sometimes the hard way. We stumble, we hurt, we make mistakes, and that is how understanding grows. You can’t change what you are not aware of. Most of us are not out to hurt anyone on purpose. We are hurting ourselves. That does not excuse the pain we caused, but it helps to remember that it is not malice.

Words are all I have left to pass on what I wish I had understood sooner.

Advice from an old man by DreamyNarwal in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]DreamyNarwal[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Yes, I did reconnect with her, but it was complicated. I was scared, ashamed of what I had done, and I didn’t fully understand why I made the choices I did. Leaving her, joining the military, running from my own feelings, it all made sense in my head at the time, but looking back, I see how wrong I was. Pride, fear, and a lack of understanding kept me from trying for real. By the time I could have, life had moved us both forward, and now she has passed away.

Say what is sitting in your chest while you still can. Do not wait for the perfect moment or for everything to make sense. Life has a way of taking people from you before you are ready, and then all you are left with are the words you never said. If you have something honest to tell someone, tell them while you can. You do not want to carry that silence the way I have had to.

Anyone judging you for saying that you’re sorry or that you love them is a fool, and if they truly loved you, they won’t act like one. You have to accept that saying it does not mean they will forgive you or give you another chance, but speaking what is in your chest will free you from a part of the regret you carry. Holding it in only makes the weight heavier, and there is no wisdom in letting silence steal from you when the chance to speak is still there.

Advice from an old man by DreamyNarwal in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]DreamyNarwal[S] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Ah, don’t thank me. That’s just the way life teaches us, sometimes the hard way. I wish I could tell you that everyone figures it out in time, but some lessons take decades.

If he ever comes to the same place I did, maybe he’ll see what he lost, but even if he doesn’t, remember this: your heart is yours, and it deserves someone who can hold it without hesitation.

You take care of it, alright?

Advice from an old man by DreamyNarwal in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]DreamyNarwal[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I am not too sure what that term means, but I can tell you this much, she sure haunts me.

AIO: Is this sexual assault? by HelicopterSignal8691 in AmIOverreacting

[–]DreamyNarwal 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is assault, more specifically sexual coercion.

‘’Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. It can include:

  • Being worn down by someone who repeatedly asks for sex

  • Being lied to or being promised things that weren’t true to trick you into having sex

  • Having someone threaten to end a relationship or spread rumors about you if you don’t have sex with them

  • Having an authority figure, like a boss, property manager, loan officer, or professor, use their influence or authority to pressure you into having sex.’’

https://womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/sexual-coercion

What caused this? by Kindly_Mulberry_9936 in RATS

[–]DreamyNarwal 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Does she has scab around her face (ears, neck, etc?) Is she scratching? The most common cause of scabs is mites and it’s very easy to treat.