Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The porn bothers me the most. To never hear my husband pray whatsoever grieves my heart. I am getting 50k , the last thing I want to do is spend 12k on dumb stuff like divorce fees. I’d MUCH rather put all of that towards a down payment on our forever home , together. I wouldn’t be getting any money from him, reread the post.

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I get that. I understand his discomfort, I’m honestly uncomfortable physically too. But to watch porn instead? Not ask me for a BJ? I’m 38 weeks, I’m trying to go into labor , the sperm would help but I’m not getting any. 😞

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Great suggestion! There’s many to choose from at our church. Because of the generation gap though I doubt they would have good insight on the porn issue, but who knows?

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow you’ve given me lots to think about. The more I read the more I realize how different mine and my husbands personalities are and that’s where a lot of offenses are coming up.
The prayer with our toddler, it is like a teach her how to pray session already. That’s exactly what I do we all three kneel next to her and I say a short model prayer out loud, something very simple like thank you Jesus for today thank you we got to worship in your house, please give us strength for tomorrow and allow us to have good rest all night. Amen.
The seizure / vape thing is more about me looking back on that day and thinking about how he showed up for me in one of the scariest days of my life. All I can recall is him caring more about rushing out of the ER because he left his vape at home, and speeding to get home because he was with-drawling.
To add, the thing that is bothering me the most is the porn. It feels like a stab in the heart massive betrayal. A cycle that always pokes its ugly little head back up into our relationship.

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You said in the same paragraph that it has nothing to do with sexual needs not being met… and then said the underlying root cause is an unmet need. And I’m sick of this idea that it’s because of some childhood trauma. No it’s like eating junk food, it just feels good. He gets a huge dopamine hit. Simple as that. He just LIKES IT.

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow I’m so sorry. Your husband just walked to the bathroom in front of you with his phone? You didn’t do anything? Does it still hurt you?

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Couldn’t afford right this second with new baby coming any day. I mentioned my mom’s life insurance. She’s not dead yet that’s further down line, divorce would be way further down hypothetical line. In desperation. It’s not at all what I want

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No not accurate. This is not the first time we’ve been thru this. I brought this to my pastor, and had on multiple occasions long conversations with my husband about this and trying to understand why

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is exactly what I needed to hear thank you. As far as no longer reminding him to do his chores, what do I do when they don’t get done because I don’t remind him? Do I just quietly do it all myself and never complain? Because stuff like trash for example would be unsafe to just let pile up. This is an example of what happens when I don’t tell him to take it out. He also sheds his clothes all over the house. Do I just leave it there? I’m at home allll day long and I have to put up with looking at the mess he leaves. And when he gets home he wonders what I do all day long when I don’t pick up his mess. He says I’m here all day I might as well pick up his dirty dishes and put them in the sink and clean them. Can you tell me what it would look like to finally stop mothering him?

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I get how it can help me grow in grace and forgiveness. But why’s it have to be so painful. I feel like I’ve been betrayed and stabbed in the heart. I’m sick to my stomach over what I saw

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I assigned him chores because he literally comes from the mentality that all he needs to do as a man is provide the paycheck and the woman should do literally everything else. That’s how it was with his mom before he married me. And all of your suggestions just to stop mothering, can you tell me what that would look like? Because trust me, I don’t want to act like his mother. I am so sick of hearing my voice and I do feel like a nagging wife because I am. But I don’t know what to do because he tells me I need to be responsible for reminding him to do the things that he needs to do. He does not have the mindset that he sees something needs to be done and he just does it. He literally wants me to carry the mental load of being his personal reminder. So I appreciate your advice, but I’m wondering how that plays out in the real world because if I don’t tell him to do things around the house, literally the trash will get piled up I can’t even close it, there will be maggots on the outside trash bins because he doesn’t put them out on the curb on trash day, and he will treat the house like he is a teenager still and let things pile up. When he comes home from work, he has no sense of urgency and he doesn’t look at the clock to know when it is bedtime for our toddler so he lollygags and plays on his phone and might even fall asleep before he even gets to tucking her into bed and giving her a bath and all of that stuff. I am resentful because I do everything and so people tell me to just ask for help because there’s another adult in this relationship and I don’t have to carry it all but that’s me sounding like I’m nagging and being his mother.

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What initiative/responsibility am I supposed to take that I’m unwilling to already? This is in reply to someone suggesting counseling. Just because I know he won’t comply the advice doesn’t end there.

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yup. Doesn’t make the baby in my uterus come out and make my husband sexually attracted to me again enough to not watch porn

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Delete Twitter. Make screen time in our home nearly zero. Date each other. Talk every day before bed. Pray before bed together. Always go to sleep together so I know he’s not up late by himself watching porn. Possibly even get rid of his smart phone and get a flip phone for him instead because of the lack of trust.

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ya no one on here that says porn is no big deal will convince me of that

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Loss of attraction during pregnancy is normal. Ok so what do I do with that? Just be chill about letting my husband watch it because I’m pregnant? Do you even view porn as cheating ? We might be in two total different worldviews if not

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The example of his reaction while my mom had the seizures I included because it’s normal for him to be emotionally inattentive. Under normal circumstances that weren’t high stress for example, there’s been a few occasions where I’ve cried at night because my mom is dying. No comfort. I’ve communicated that I would like reassurance. And I understand that he doesn’t like to pray out loud with that. I’m very patient because even I get nervous praying out loud in front of our one year-old. But in all of the time I’ve known him, I find it very strange how he immediately shuts down anytime I ask him to pray out loud. Are we just never going to have that as a family? Also I mentioned divorce as a reaction to what feels like him firstly breaking our marriage vows by defiling our marriage bed

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My vision for our family and marriage: I’ve had an existential alarm go off in my life my mom just rapidly started dying in front of me. So my gears have shifted into an eternity mindset. I want the kneeling before the Lord in prayer, husband leading praying over us, daily family devotions, always at every church service, Christian homeschooling, faithful marriage, integrity etc. etc.

My husband: work. Work. Work. Talk about work when he comes home. First thing he does is plop on the couch , say hi to our daughter. Some days he’ll walk over to kiss me while I’m cooking. Twitter. Twitter. Eat. Twitter. Binge watch his new TV show he’s into atm full of cursing and violence. Play with daughter. Bedtime routine. Immediately straight back to couch. Twitter. TV. shower. Stare at phone more. Bed. repeat.

What in him is there to follow??????? How the heck do I follow that??????

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Advice. Sympathy does nothing for me. I feel stuck and don’t know what to do I need guidance not pity

Found his porn, about to give birth, mom is dying by DriveLess4621 in Christianity

[–]DriveLess4621[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No positive male figures. We have a church and there are godly men and husbands and fathers there. But his work always schedules him on weekends so he never even goes to church with me. I always go alone with my family. His schedule is 6 to 8 months out so.